Still being tripped up by husband’s FOG

[Call Me Cordelia]

This is a bit of a growl. I was planning to process some in-law related trauma in EMDR today anyway, so maybe this conversation with DH is providentially timed.

I've been NC with my uNPDMIL and uPDFIL for a few months now. The NC applies to our kids as well. DH and I went to marriage counseling and though he didn't like it, DH accepted that boundary. Both of the ILs have pretty much always ignored me and the children and they live far away. The main effect on my life is no longer having to stress over the annual visitation(s) and drama over gift boundaries.

But for DH it's much harder. I knew he was continuing to communicate with his parents. He has definitely been in a funk lately, and because I care, I asked him what was bothering him. Usually he tells me nothing about his parents.

So the latest is FIL told DH he would have some time to come visit us in a month or so!!!  DH did tell him that wouldn't be possible with things the way they are, and now FIL has been giving DH the silent treatment for two weeks or so. DH: "At least my mom still talks to me." Great. Fraternizing with the enemy. 

It sounds like the narrative of Cordelia just being too unhealed to be around them is still going strong. I'm actually more social than I was pre NC. Just not with certain people... hmm... I wonder what could be the deciding factor of who I'm "healthy enough" to spend time with... DH said he still holds out hope for reconciliation, and he's angry with me for forcing him to go along with NC for our kids. He felt he had no choice but he did it for me, and now he seems to think I owe him. It's made things awkward for him, it's all just very superficial with his parents now. (Good!) And that it's completely unfair to apply NC to FIL, when he didn't "do anything." Dude, I haven't spoken to FIL in two years, before I even came Out of the FOG at all, because he's been escaping into his workaholism like he has your entire life, and now is taking us off the shelf when it suits him. I've had enough. I did say I'm not going to put in more effort than he is willing to. DH defends him, "When he was around it was great! He was very involved in my activities blah blah blah. You're just judging him to be a much worse man than he is." He's angry that I just don't care about his parents and by extension his feelings. I do care about DH's at least, but not enough to drop my boundaries. So in effect, to DH, I don't care.

The last interaction I had with FIL was when we announced our last pregnancy on Skype. Silence, then, "congratulations. So, um, wasn't this rather a surprise?" I said, "Well, not exactly, we've figured out how it happens by now!" Then I heard through MIL through DH how FIL was really hurt by what *I* said.  I wouldn't apologize, so now I ruined that relationship. Whatever. It's been awkward forever since I took away FIL's playmate about 8 years before he planned.

DH told me he sent his parents info on NPD, and that my father has it, but left it to be inferred that MIL fits that description just as well.

They won't connect the dots. They won't take any responsibility as long as they can blame me. I feel DH merely gave them ammo with the NPD, because obviously I've been messed up and it's not fair that DH has to suffer the consequences of my brokenness. No doubt MIL is fueling the blame DH is aiming my way. MIL's letter and now FIL indirectly asking for an invitation without doing any work on himself proves to me that I have no reason to try and reconcile this.

I do think DH needs to go to therapy, but my going to expensive therapy is a convenient excuse for him to avoid it. I need it more than him. Because I'm the one with PTSD. I need to go and get better so we can finally reconcile with his parents. Not gonna happen. The more therapy I go to, the more sure of that I am.

[coyote]

Cordilia, Most PDs will never recognize the issues they face. I'm glad you are benefiting from therapy. Keep up the good work. 

[Poison Ivy]

My therapist, who I started seeing long before I got married (and divorced) and who is now retired, played a key role in helping me feel okay about recognizing and deciding not to put up with my ex-husband's and his family's unhealthy family dynamics.  I'm so glad I had her as a therapist and that she helped me survive the bad parts of my marriage.

[JayBird]

Call me Cordelia, I can relate to your situation. I too have DH who is in the FOG and while DH is not full blown NPD, he has lots of fleas.

As much as I want my DH to come Out of the FOG, I don't think it will happening anytime soon. DH's comfort zone (his coping skills) have such a strong gravitational pull that it prevents him from having any desire to change his thinking/thought pattern.

For me, the fact that my DH is not likely going to change- as in protecting spouse and FOC from PD Nmil abuse has been a sad realization. My DH has been conditioned by PD Nmil to think that he is part of the BEST FAMILY EVER, and any disharmony is the fault of others/non FOO members. Indeed, he is good 'n' brainwashed. Blame and fault always lies elsewhere. It took me a long time to see this pattern.

My DH is always trying to discount, minimalize, or generally rug-sweep PD Nmil behavior towards me. He likes to live in the fantasy of "what can be" vs. the reality of what it really is, i.e.: emotional abuse from PD Nmil. He wants me to be a 'duck and let the water roll of my back'. Impossible.

However, just the other day, my DH can home from an event where he ran into a person he had an unpleasant encounter with more than 10 years ago. And he was WORKED UP having faced this person again and remembering the past confrontation with him. DH was aroused and agitated.  I kindly, firmly, (gleefully) used this recent experience my husband had and compared it to how I ALWAYS feels when having to be in proximity with abusive PD Nmil and her covert, micro aggressions aimed at me. I just takes one bad encounter to create "hyper vigilance' in an effort to try and ward off another bad encounter.

With DH's recent negative encounter, I  asked him to try and gain some emotional maturity to relate to what I have been coping with in regard to PD Nmil.

Maybe the FOG lifted a bit? 

[Pepin]

However, just the other day, my DH can home from an event where he ran into a person he had an unpleasant encounter with more than 10 years ago. And he was WORKED UP having faced this person again and remembering the past confrontation with him. DH was aroused and agitated.  I kindly, firmly, (gleefully) used this recent experience my husband had and compared it to how I ALWAYS feels when having to be in proximity with abusive PD Nmil and her covert, micro aggressions aimed at me. I just takes one bad encounter to create "hyper vigilance' in an effort to try and ward off another bad encounter.

With DH's recent negative encounter, I  asked him to try and gain some emotional maturity to relate to what I have been coping with in regard to PD Nmil.

Maybe the FOG lifted a bit? 

  Amazing way to take a fact and make it into an example for the sake of clarity.  I hope your DH will remember this moment next time he decides not to have your back.  Like you, I am constantly looking for opportunities to open my DH's eyes with regards to his mother.  I know it makes him squirm but there is never an argument when facts are involved.   

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thanks for the kind words, Coyote.

Yep, Poison Ivy therapy is amazing.

So, you with Foggy DHs... how do you navigate the overall dynamic? I mean, on the one hand it's not my place to push him along, to change his beliefs. Only he can do that. I like what you said about never an argument about FACTS. How do you keep your marriage strong? I feel like this is severely crippling us. Like that other thread, you have your truth and I have mine and ne'er the twain shall meet is not a very workable long term situation.

[Poison Ivy]

I was not able to keep my marriage strong.  My therapist encouraged me to try to spend more time with my husband, but he arranged his daily life so that he didn't have time to spend with me (yes, you could call it avoidance). 

[Pepin]

How do I keep my marriage strong?  I am fully present when I am with Dh.  I also focus on our teens and their needs as we navigate our way to becoming empty nesters.  The teens seem to be having more added to their schedules that requires our attention as parents.  And when DH is not able to be present for that, he feels left out.  Truthfully, spending time with PDmil is NOT exciting and Dh realizes this.  His visits with her have become shorter and shorter.  He used to get upset that the teens and I would not go along with him but now he behaves himself.

Dh and I have had many conversations about where we want our lives to go -- and we would like to have what we had before kids.  SO much has been put on hold.  PDmil is not going to ruin my empty nesters years.