Parents of Narcissistic Child

[stepmomtonarcissist]

Seeking to connect with anyone who has raised a narcissistic child who is now a young adult. Our family struggles with the ongoing drama which continues to divide us. My husband's eldest daughter is narcissistic and sociopathic. (Professional has diagnosed.) She's now 21 and still controlling. She withholds love and punishes her father, her sister and myself if she doesn't get things her way or even sometimes just for the sheer joy of creating chaos and pain.
We would like to connect with parents who have found appropriate ways to deal. And since the daughters' mother (husband's ex wife) is also narcissistic, we are dealing with she and the eldest daughter scheming together for the demise of the other daughter and our marriage/family unit in our home.
How will we deal with this once the now adult daughters have children and our grandkids are used/abused/pitted against one another? How do we stop the cycle of abuse now and set boundaries that might help avoid pain to us now as well as to the future generations who will surely be affected by this disorder?
Thank you.

[coyote]

Hi stepmom and welcome to Out of the FOG,
It is not an easy situation to be sure. If you haven't already I'd suggest checking out the Toolbox. Setting boundaries, Medium Chill, Grey Rock, no JADE and no Circular Conversations are tools that many of us lean on. You will probably have to decide how much contact you want to have. There are varying degrees from Limited Contact, LC, to No Contact, NC. Once again all these are in the Toolbox.

There is also a section on the site that recommends different books. Setting Boundaries by Townsend is one and Stop Caretaking the Narcissist is another one I hear mentioned often. Looks at the different boards. There is one dedicated to Parents. You will find good info and support on the open boards.

Boundaries can be difficult since we are not taught to set them when we are younger. They are also ineffective if they can't be enforced with logical consequences. Consistency is another important factor. The flip side is while difficult to navigate a NPD it is not impossible. I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us.

[momnthefog]

Stepmomtonarcissist,

Welcome to Out of the FOG. 

I'm a mom of non-PDs and I have ASPDs and BPDd.  BPDd has a child.  "Stopping the cycle of abuse" and "setting boundaries" is easier said than done. 

The only way to stop the abuse (IMHO) is to set boundaries.....and enforce them......and that appears for many parents to be the difficult (myself included).  We get caught up in feeling guilty, like we've somehow failed, or hanging on to toxic hope.  The boundary may be no contact, or limited contact, or gray rock.  As my non-PDs have matured they realized the difference in those family members and frankly chose to limit their interaction.  As far as the mental illness being passed between generations, I believe it's a mix of nature and nurture.  I try to spend as much time with my grandchild as possible (when she's not being withheld from me for some reason). 

There is a Parent's Discussion, I hope you will join us and share your story and questions there as well. 

momnthefog

[Goldielocks]

The best way to help any future grandchildren I think is to make sure that you stay in contact with your narcissist step-daughter no matter what. Boundaries could well be very tricky since the step-daughter could block access to the grandchildren.

It doesn't get mentioned here by name very much but there is an approach called Grey Rock.

This means closing down any strong reactions to your step-daughter and her mother. Boring, low key responses give them little to 'feed on.'  Such calm behaviour keeps you in charge of the situation.

Aiming for a good relationship with the future partner/spouse of your step-daughter will provide a firm basis for helping any future additions to the family.