pd/narcissistic MIL- Son doesn't believe it

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Wanderingsoul

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pd/narcissistic MIL- Son doesn't believe it
« on: April 11, 2019, 01:29:24 PM »
After years of emotional torture, and after years of my husband neglecting my feelings about his mom,  I finally got the fauxpology and tried to look like a golden goddess of love and light to my husband by accepting my pdMIL's apology. It was in the presence of my husband and my parents. PDmil was obsessed with ruining my life for two years and once my husband told her she cant contact me anymore she lost it and begged to apologize to me and my parents.  She sat there and said she was evil, that she wanted to take my son away from me, that she intentionally baited me into conflicts, and intentionally would find bad in everything I did in an effort to slander my name to my husband. He thinks she's evolved. He swears she feels bad. Yet this is the same man that shut me down every time I came to him about his mom hurting me for two years: during my pregnancy, and after after I  had my son and was dealing with the emotions of post-pardom and having a new child as a first time mom. She became insanely jealous of the attention I was getting and started to self destruct and take me down with her.  He always told me it was my fault that she speaks to me the way she does because I argued with her 5 years ago about a couple things she was being manipulative about back then, but i was young (22) and I didn't know how to handle things gracefully. I didn't know how to be tactful. She takes that as a GREEN CARD to continue to abuse me.

 I knew her apology was bullshit and that it would only be a matter of time before she crossed the boundary again. Since her apology though, my husband has been very open with me and we're working through years worth of marriage issues. But I'm scared now to tell him she crossed the line again. Specially since he's helping my dad with medical stuff  so I feel like I can't say anything now. It's horrible. She went from OBSESSIVELY trying to ruin my life to now OBSESSIVELY trying to be my best friend. She has no other kids OR any friends. She's completely and utterly obsessed with me. It scares me.

She told us during her apology that all she wanted to do was control me. I feel she is still doing that now. She watches our son 2 days a week and is an amazing Grandma. I will give her that. But she does petty things like send my huband a pic and purposely withholds from giving me updates about our son. It's so petty and he doesn't see it but I do. For example, the other day she was watching our son, on a day my husband and I both work from home. She sent me an update about our son and sent my husband the same update. But his contained a really adorable picture. I know she's purposefully withholding and if I bring it up she can easily say, I sent it, it didnt go through. Play dumb. I asked her several times that when she watches him to pls send me an update about him because I miss him so much when I'm not with him. I'm a new mom, I'm very attached to my son specially because he's a true miracle. After not getting pregnant for 5 years and having to go through IVF, my son is my world.

The ONE time in our marriage back in 2014 he sided with me: the first and last time ever took my side. She cried like a baby, said shes going to move far away. That shes evil and will leave so we can be happy. So of course my husband felt like crap and was begging me to fix things with her so she wouldn't move away. She is so manipulative she never even told him the man he thought was his father his whole life wasn't his actual father. He had to find out by someone else in the family and it damn near destroyed him. My husband doesn't show emotion well because he's had a very rough life growing up with a single mother. Everything this woman does for her own gain. My husband will say:  "She's an amazing grandma, look at how much she does for our son" I WANT to say "no shes doing it to clear her conscious of dropping the ball raising YOU! For being worried about dating most of your childhood and leaving u to ur grandma to raise."

I wish I knew then,  back when she apologized, what I know now. I didn't know about this forum and the wonderful people here.  I didn't know my MIL was a PD/Narcissist then. I didn't know my husband emeshed with her. I should have told her then that I would like to continue no contact. I really want to talk to my husband about her aggressive texts but am fearful he will argue and change his mind about going to counseling. In the meantime, I've blocked her from texting or calling me and if she goes to him to complain (which we all know she will do bc she has lost control) why I'm not responding to her, I will say:

- For the last two years your mom has done this and every time I came to you, you didn't do anything. You neglected me because you feared confronting your mother. I know coming to you isn't an option anymore.
- So I did what I thought was best which was to tell her shes right, because confronting a narcissist is dangerous and always leads to WW3 between her and I. I diffused the situation.
- Then, I proceeded to block her to remove myself from any situation where she will contact me aggressively again.
- How else would you have wanted me to handle it? Confront her? Cry to you? None of those ever got me anywhere with either of you. So I'm avoiding future conflict by removing myself from the situation.

He will say "oh she was venting because she cares about us. She is sharing her frustration because she thinks you two are friends.. She wanted to prevent us from losing money". I constantly have to point out to my husband that his mom needs to realize we are NOT friends. We are NOT peers. We are not the same age. She is my mother in law and therefore should practice tact and grace when speaking with me. She needs to save those emotionally charged texts for either my husband or she can find a friend that will tolerate her to vent to. But she doesn't even have a single friend. The reason why she texted me is irrelevant to you readers,so I wont waste ur time, but it was emotionally charged and unnecessary and aggressive. She could have told my husband about it but there was a part of her that wanted to tell me. That wanted to make me feel bad. That wanted to get a rise out of me. I dont know what to do....

When she texted me, I greyrocked her and she still kept going. I explained myself (which I now feel stupid even giving her that energy), and she still kept going. Until I finally told her, you're right, she stopped. Because everything is about ego with her. She wont stop until someone tells her shes right. So I said "youre right" and she responded with a thumbs up emogie and I blocked her right after. I have been having so much anxiety since. I dont know what to do....

My plan is to block her until my husband mentions something to me about it. And I will say what I planned to say.
« Last Edit: April 11, 2019, 01:50:52 PM by Wanderingsoul »

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Entj

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Re: pd/narcissistic MIL- Son doesn't believe it
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2019, 05:32:00 PM »
Hi wanderingsoul, I'm sorry you're in this situation. I too had argued with my MIL in the beginning of this saga, as I had no idea what I was dealing with and it was three  months afterI had given birth. When a woman is pregnant and gives birth, she is put in the spotlight even if she doesn't want to. To a narcissistic MIL that's unbearable, because they're losing the attention oftheir son. I'm sorry your husband didn't step up to protect you during such a vulnerable period for you. I've had the same experience and it's something I'm still trying to come to terms with.

You're in a double bind right now; if you try to talk to your husband about her, you'll be the bad guy in his eyes, as he believes that his mom has changed. If not, you're stuck with taking the abuse. I'd try something in the middle to be honest; I'd mention to him the aggressive messages but without passing judgement, just saying I'm concerned. Let him decide whether they are appropriate.

It's a tough situation to navigate when your husband isn't 100% in your side. I'm there myself with all the feelings of hurt and betrayal that have accumulated in the past years. Have you tried individual therapy for yourself? Your well-being is important. Sorry you need to be here, but... You're not alone! Just sending you positive energy, wanderingsoul!

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

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Wanderingsoul

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Re: pd/narcissistic MIL- Son doesn't believe it
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2019, 01:03:08 PM »
Hi Entj! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post. That means the world to me. The people in this forum are truly amazing.

It breaks my heart to hear you are in a similiar situation. I am not sure what the ettiquite is here but if you need anyone to talk to I'm here! It is literally heartbreaking. I think you're spot on with your breakdown that if I say something to him about her, I'll be the bad guy and if I don't, I have to deal with the abuse. I've started to greyrock her which has been working. Essentially I treat her like a difficult coworker so I manage her crazy. I can tell she's trying to get my attention even more now which is wild. I did a ton of research and this and it's a great first step before no contact. The funny thing is...the less I give my MIL, the more she wants to control me and try to talk to me and be my best friend. It makes no sense. It's like she sees me as something that also belongs to her.

I have been in therapy myself for a couple months now and what a MIRACLE that is! I thank my loved ones who pushed me into therapy daily because it truly saved me.

A great user put me on to this youtube and I watch it every day and has launched me into watching a TON of videos like this. Youtube "How to deal with Narcissistic In laws." by Kris Godinez. I hope that your situation gets better, I really do. I don't wish this on my worst enemy!! Having a newborn and dealing with these types of stressors is so hard. What really helped me last summer was walking every day. I would put my son in a stroller and walk around the neighborhood for 1hr or even 2hrs sometimes when I had a lot on my mind. It's very theraputic!

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help make you feel better, I know what it's like having a new baby and dealing with the emotions with dealing with PD family members.

Hi wanderingsoul, I'm sorry you're in this situation. I too had argued with my MIL in the beginning of this saga, as I had no idea what I was dealing with and it was three  months afterI had given birth. When a woman is pregnant and gives birth, she is put in the spotlight even if she doesn't want to. To a narcissistic MIL that's unbearable, because they're losing the attention oftheir son. I'm sorry your husband didn't step up to protect you during such a vulnerable period for you. I've had the same experience and it's something I'm still trying to come to terms with.

You're in a double bind right now; if you try to talk to your husband about her, you'll be the bad guy in his eyes, as he believes that his mom has changed. If not, you're stuck with taking the abuse. I'd try something in the middle to be honest; I'd mention to him the aggressive messages but without passing judgement, just saying I'm concerned. Let him decide whether they are appropriate.

It's a tough situation to navigate when your husband isn't 100% in your side. I'm there myself with all the feelings of hurt and betrayal that have accumulated in the past years. Have you tried individual therapy for yourself? Your well-being is important. Sorry you need to be here, but... You're not alone! Just sending you positive energy, wanderingsoul!

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

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Bloomie

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Re: pd/narcissistic MIL- Son doesn't believe it
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2019, 01:38:14 PM »
Wanderingsoul - After decades of intrusive, confusing, chaotic, envious and manipulative behaviors that tore us down I started OOTF before my H like many of us that come here. I began to set consistent boundaries around my inner world... my ruminating, stressing, fear, wrong thinking about what was mine to do or say and around my outer world. I needed to get clear and be consistent in my messages and boundaries for my own health and wellbeing. No more playing "the golden goddess of love"  :bigwink:

I learned to hold a neutral position, zip my lips, and let my H be in the line of fire for the first time in his disordered family paradigm. I was feeling all the feels for everyone - if that makes sense at all? I looked around and realized that I had been edged into the role of the actuator, the mover, the one that brought warmth, love, light, a listening ear, THE party to an otherwise drab and disconnected group of people who do not know how to love and care for one another. AND... they resented me for it all the while expecting it of me and offering very little in the way of even a reasonable level of reciprocity.

I no longer have contact with most of my H's family. If they text me... I forward it to my H to answer or not. If they call me I do not answer the phone. If a message is left... I forward it to my H. Any communication goes straight to him to sort out and through. There is only one family member who we include in our family gatherings and I have contact with that person only with my H present.

I use Medium Chill technique always in every situation. Just stepping back to a neutral position and living my boundaries allowed my H to begin to feel the full force of disordered and manipulative behaviors himself. It also caused a huge ruckus and backlash, but I would do it all over again to assert that human right that is mine to not be in close relationship with people who are not able/choose not to manage their hurtful behaviors toward me and my family.

It has taken therapy, a lot of talking and growing together, and a lot of love to overcome the difficulties that toxic behaviors from our in law family can bring into our lives. We are unified now and though my H is responsible for many aspects of my uPDmil's care he is able to handle it with mostly consistently healthy boundaries. I am my H's wife and support. That is my role. Period.

If something arises.. and something always arises... I listen and support my H as he needs and do not engage emotionally, offer advice, or get involved.

With all of my heart I wish I had taken this position only much sooner or had known how to stay OOTF from the very start. I just didn't have a clue and was love bombed into the position that served this broken system best at a very great cost.

I mention this gently as an observation.. I understand childcare is tricky and expensive and at the same time am wondering if your mil caring for your child and manipulating even updates when the child is with her is working for you? Is there a way to begin to plan for another way to cover your child's care? It seems to put you in a position that is uncomfortable for you.

Keep coming back and sharing. It is terribly difficult to feel alone in all of this. A wise hero member Starboard Song says something like this: Don't let people who do not love you come between you and your dear husband. Don't let the issues with your mil drive a wedge between you and the man you have chosen to build a beautiful life and family together with. Be patient and stay focused on what you can control, change, cure... and that is only and always ourselves. :hug:

A book I highly recommend as a must read for you and your H to work through together is Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.




« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 01:40:43 PM by Bloomie »
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

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Entj

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Re: pd/narcissistic MIL- Son doesn't believe it
« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2019, 09:22:03 PM »
Hi wanderingsoul, thank you for being so supportive  :) It's been already a few years now since I was pregnant and that incident happened. But you're right, it was tough to navigate everything at the same time. I'm very sorry you went through something similar.


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Wanderingsoul

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Re: pd/narcissistic MIL- Son doesn't believe it
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2019, 04:27:17 PM »
Hi Bloomie!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and sharing your story. It never fails to blow my mind when I hear about other folks going through similiar circumstances. For years I thought I was alone in this...every day I'm learning more and more.

I'm in such a weird place where my husband and I are dealing with our own marriage issues separate from his PD mother and the issues with his PD mom are just making everything worse.

UPDATE - last week H picked our son up from pdMILs house and they gave him a haircut without asking me first. I understand he is the father too, but these decisions need to be made together. I explained to him that I was upset, and I wanted so badly to tell her NOT to ever do that again. But I know that's what she wants - a reaction out of me. I didn't give her one. I finally buckled down and blocked her. I keep blocking and unblocking her because I fear that it would turn my husband off to me if I separate from communicating with his mother....specially when shes been love bombing me since her fauxpology.

I blocked her, and then on Easter, she sent a text to my family (my mom, my dad, my sister, her husband and me. Didn't even include her own son in the group text. I only let my mom reply bc I didn't want my husband thinking my parents were mean-girling her. My mom told me about the texts, since I didn't see them after having blocked her on my iphone. I also blocked her on Whats app (another app she likes to communicate on). This woman literally whatsapp'd me, assuming because she noticed I had been unresponsive in texts, and wanted to see if I had completely blocked her. She sent a random video of their neighborhood Easter egg hunt. I replied to her with a simple thumbs up emogie like an idiot because I should have remembered to block her on whatsapp too. I then unblocked her and texted the group chat a simple "happy Easter" and left it at that. The reason why I felt compelled to respond is because whatsapp notifies the user when their message was read. So she knows I received it and I'm scared of her telling my husband I'm being mean since I graciously accepted her fauxpology and have been being fake nice back to her ever since. It makes me look inconsistent, which I am aware that I'm being.

Then at easter, my husband started a huge fight with me on the way to Easter brunch with my parents because I know deep down he's mad his mom wasnt invited. Back before things went south, we used to all hang out as a family a lot. My parents, his parents, and us. It was a little weird even back then bc my husband has no friends. He's not social. For him, a perfect world is where we would all hang out. But things have changed, and my parents dont want to be around her unless it's like Christmas or thanksgiving. The big holidays. Once we get to Easter brunch after fighting like cats and dogs, he was very rude and cold to my parents who were treating us to brunch. He blatantly ignored my mom asking him to take a picture and told me to tell her "he doesn't like taking pics" while she was standing right there. He could have told her nicely himself but decided to be rude.

I told him in the car afterwards how disgusted I was with his rude behavior. And then, to make matters worse, he decides, without telling me, that he is going to go to his moms house on our way home. She lives within a mile from our house. Once we got there, I smiled at him and put on the best show. Unlike him, I walked into his moms house with a smile on my face. When she asked why we were so dressed up, I told her we had brunch with my family. She then proceeded to ask me a thousand questions about who came, who sat where, who ate what, who wore what, who was sitting next to whom.  The next day it hit me, that she did that to emphasize to my husband that she wasn't there. With every question it was her way of showing my husband how rude I was. She kept trying to one up me in conversations and I just kept greyrocking her. Very minimal but polite responses. Afterwards my husband felt really bad and asked if we could grab a cake and take it to my parents house because he saw that despite being sad by our fighting, I was able to handle myself like an adult and NOT be disrespectful towards his parents, which is more than I can say for him. I allowed him to but have been very distant with him since. He knows I'm upset.

Bloomie- what you said about being the life of the party really resonated with me. I am that for them too. The whole time we were at his parents house my husband didn't say a word. I was the charismatic one, being talkative and warm. That's why my MIL is so obsessed with me and my family. We're all a LOT of fun and now that I'm not including her in these family moments anymore, we are the bad guys.

I felt so disgusted by everything the next morning and I blocked her again. Then last night my husband rolled out the red carpet by making a 4 course meal when I got home from work, did everything for the baby and was waiting on me hand and foot. Apparently, I guess I didn't check that I blocked her correctly because I woke up to a text from her this morning asking if I needed anything from Costco. I know my husband had a laundry list of things for her so I sent them to her. I'm realizing I should have asked her to ask my husband but I was half asleep and not thinking. She then love bombs me and sends me a text saying "Sweetie, I do love you. I hope to warm up to your heart one day sooner. Please believe me :-[". I was fake nice back like "aw thanks!" and then sent her the costco list. But now i feel so disgusted with myself.

I cant stay consistent with my boundaries because I fear my husband's retaliation. She keeps love-bombing me and if I even try to explain to him what I'm feeling, I'll only end up pushing him away and making him resent me more than he already does.

I'm feeling like at this point, my marriage is doomed and this woman is just waiting to deliver the final blow to make me run for the hills and never come back. H has backed out of therapy and tells me to wait a few more months. I dont know how, when things are good, to explain to him that I dont want a relationship with his mom. It's almost like I'm waiting for her to blow up again so I can take my exit. How messed up is that? My therapist said that I'm going to end up causing the blow up from her myself if I don't set solid boundaries now.

Thank you for being so kind Bloomie and for encouraging me to share my story!! You are so very kind dear <3


Wanderingsoul - After decades of intrusive, confusing, chaotic, envious and manipulative behaviors that tore us down I started OOTF before my H like many of us that come here. I began to set consistent boundaries around my inner world... my ruminating, stressing, fear, wrong thinking about what was mine to do or say and around my outer world. I needed to get clear and be consistent in my messages and boundaries for my own health and wellbeing. No more playing "the golden goddess of love"  :bigwink:

I learned to hold a neutral position, zip my lips, and let my H be in the line of fire for the first time in his disordered family paradigm. I was feeling all the feels for everyone - if that makes sense at all? I looked around and realized that I had been edged into the role of the actuator, the mover, the one that brought warmth, love, light, a listening ear, THE party to an otherwise drab and disconnected group of people who do not know how to love and care for one another. AND... they resented me for it all the while expecting it of me and offering very little in the way of even a reasonable level of reciprocity.

I no longer have contact with most of my H's family. If they text me... I forward it to my H to answer or not. If they call me I do not answer the phone. If a message is left... I forward it to my H. Any communication goes straight to him to sort out and through. There is only one family member who we include in our family gatherings and I have contact with that person only with my H present.

I use Medium Chill technique always in every situation. Just stepping back to a neutral position and living my boundaries allowed my H to begin to feel the full force of disordered and manipulative behaviors himself. It also caused a huge ruckus and backlash, but I would do it all over again to assert that human right that is mine to not be in close relationship with people who are not able/choose not to manage their hurtful behaviors toward me and my family.

It has taken therapy, a lot of talking and growing together, and a lot of love to overcome the difficulties that toxic behaviors from our in law family can bring into our lives. We are unified now and though my H is responsible for many aspects of my uPDmil's care he is able to handle it with mostly consistently healthy boundaries. I am my H's wife and support. That is my role. Period.

If something arises.. and something always arises... I listen and support my H as he needs and do not engage emotionally, offer advice, or get involved.

With all of my heart I wish I had taken this position only much sooner or had known how to stay OOTF from the very start. I just didn't have a clue and was love bombed into the position that served this broken system best at a very great cost.

I mention this gently as an observation.. I understand childcare is tricky and expensive and at the same time am wondering if your mil caring for your child and manipulating even updates when the child is with her is working for you? Is there a way to begin to plan for another way to cover your child's care? It seems to put you in a position that is uncomfortable for you.

Keep coming back and sharing. It is terribly difficult to feel alone in all of this. A wise hero member Starboard Song says something like this: Don't let people who do not love you come between you and your dear husband. Don't let the issues with your mil drive a wedge between you and the man you have chosen to build a beautiful life and family together with. Be patient and stay focused on what you can control, change, cure... and that is only and always ourselves. :hug:

A book I highly recommend as a must read for you and your H to work through together is Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.
« Last Edit: April 24, 2019, 04:32:34 PM by Wanderingsoul »

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Wanderingsoul

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Re: pd/narcissistic MIL- Son doesn't believe it
« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2019, 05:40:14 PM »
Entj, do you mind if I ask how you got your husband to come around?


Hi wanderingsoul, I'm sorry you're in this situation. I too had argued with my MIL in the beginning of this saga, as I had no idea what I was dealing with and it was three  months afterI had given birth. When a woman is pregnant and gives birth, she is put in the spotlight even if she doesn't want to. To a narcissistic MIL that's unbearable, because they're losing the attention oftheir son. I'm sorry your husband didn't step up to protect you during such a vulnerable period for you. I've had the same experience and it's something I'm still trying to come to terms with.

You're in a double bind right now; if you try to talk to your husband about her, you'll be the bad guy in his eyes, as he believes that his mom has changed. If not, you're stuck with taking the abuse. I'd try something in the middle to be honest; I'd mention to him the aggressive messages but without passing judgement, just saying I'm concerned. Let him decide whether they are appropriate.

It's a tough situation to navigate when your husband isn't 100% in your side. I'm there myself with all the feelings of hurt and betrayal that have accumulated in the past years. Have you tried individual therapy for yourself? Your well-being is important. Sorry you need to be here, but... You're not alone! Just sending you positive energy, wanderingsoul!

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: