Toxic communications

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

I have been entirely NC from my NPD parents for several months now. I was VVVVVLC for almost 2 years before that, only responding when they contacted me or when I thought it was an emergency (one of them being admitted to the ER). I know some people choose NC. In my case, my parents discarded me. I have one of those personalities that relationships and acknowledgment are very important to me. My parents I think sensed this when I was a child and intentionally starved me of it growing up (things like forgetting my birthday, neglecting me to the point of me only having one outfit despite other siblings always having new clothes, not letting me get a job when I lived at home, etc.)  My parents destroyed any hope of me forming relationships growing up and then told me I was defective for not having friends and for being single. I have found that no contact is the safest thing for me.

HOWEVER, some of my well meaning siblings have felt the need to share the awful things my parents continue to say about me. I have asked them not to do this as it really messes with my head. I can handle not having parents. Having parents that obsessively hate me even though they do everything they can to make sure I am not acknowledged otherwise, is very hard to deal with. I would like to get to the point where this toxicity doesn't mess with my head. At the moment, when I get news like this it will throw me into a depressive state for a week at a time. I can't get work done, can't take care of myself, and generally feel horrible.

Has anyone else experienced this reaction from negative information? How do you deal with it or protect yourself from it? I know even if my siblings respect my boundaries, my parents could still screw with my head. They send something my way every few months.

[notrightinthehead]

It's a bummer if such communication sends you in a downward spiral that takes you a week to recover from. What I do in such a situation, I praise myself that it did not take me a month and I tell myself that maybe next time it will only take me two days.

[TwentyTwenty]

I'm very sorry that you are going thru this. Your title of the topic states the problems exactly: Toxic Communications.

In my case; My health, safety and the well being of my family comes first before maintaining any relationship with siblings, friends of families or other relatives.

Our family policy is to eliminate the source of poison to our family; meaning that my siblings and former relatives are also completely NC since they continued having an extremely negative effect on my ability to take care of my family and work.

Hopefully you can come to a place to eliminate the attacks on your well being, you are worth so much more and deserve peace and happiness!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so very sorry. Being discarded hurts. And that your siblings don't respect your boundaries either... Whatever they think they're doing, they are in fact perpetuating your parents' abuse.  I learned early in therapy that a boundary without a consequence is merely a request. What is the consequence to your siblings for telling you things against your explicit wishes? End the call the moment it becomes clear what they're going to do and time out of x days/weeks? Block them on text/email/social media? NC? The consequence is up to you, and it's also up to you if you want to communicate the consequence in advance to stave off a "next time" or decide you've already have had enough and just enact the consequence. You don't owe it to your siblings to explain things to them; you communicated what you needed from them and it was ignored.

I'm another one who is now NC with my entire FOO. No siblings or extended family members either. In my case, I chose NC intended to be temporary, and then Nparents escalated their behavior in response which left me no choice but to extend the NC time. At first siblings were supportive, but then as the weeks stretched to months their patience and support ran out. I experienced the discard, even though I was very careful not to drag them into the middle of the conflict. Other probable N siblings tried to use the conflict to their benefit, enSis probably just ran away and hid from me in an effort to stay alive with all the other abusers around her. Regardless, it was clear they didn't care about me and my pain whatsoever. Then later on they tried to contact me for very self-serving reasons. I no longer have room in my life for people who do not show me basic respect, gaslight me, in short, are willing to use and lie to further their own agenda. I blocked them all and no regrets. Grief, but not regrets.

I tried for a long time to nurture these sibling relationships with no success. Now I've been freed to put that energy into relationships with people who really do care, and give me life, not drain it so I feel like a zombie after every interaction. I'm very familiar with the feelings you describe of having a week-long emotional hangover. I learned that I wasn't merely anxious and oversensitive, my fight or flight response was kicked into high gear during encounters with abusive people and what I was experiencing was a perfectly normal response to a very psychologically threatening situation. If something is happening to cause you that kind of trauma, you owe it to yourself to protect yourself from it.

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree with CMC - your siblings are acting as Flying Messenger Monkeys, spreading your parents' toxic messages *even after you've told them NOT to.*

What I would do in those cases is *block anybody who doesn't respect the boundary, "I don't want to hear it!"*

It's a very simple and  direct boundary - "I don't want to hear what mom and dad have to say about me."   

Ignoring it *invalidates your feelings and wishes* and makes it seem like it's okay to just ignore you and do what they want.

If they're going to violate that very simple boundary, they *will*, in all probability, trample others - or pretend they don't exist, or say you don't really *mean it* when you say no - and try to argue with you or defend their decisions for ignoring you.

Those are relationships I can do without.  I don't want people like that in my life. 

[GentleSoul]

Sorry you having this going on in your life.

I respectfully disagree that your siblings are well meaning in telling you the things said.  They are spreading the nastiness. Can you ask them not to tell you, then if they continue to do so, move away or even consider going NC. 

You deserve peace and quiet.

My sister used to pull this stunt too.   I am sure she got a buzz from it.  I went NC with her years ago.  Phew, what a relief.   

[athene1399]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It almost feels like your siblings are trying to triangulate you or something. Like they have a motive for sharing this toxic information with you (i'm not sure what it is). I get put into the middle of all sorts of stuff that shouldn't have to do with me. It's like my family expects me to fix things with other members and be the peacekeeper or something (or maybe they want me on their side and that's why they tell me these things). I eventually set up a boundary because if it doesn't directly involve me, then it's really not my concern. I'm sick of being dragged in the middle.

Anyway, my point is boundaries. If your siblings can't respect your boundary of "i don't want to hear it", then they aren't allowed to come over or call you or whatever. I believe a few others said this, but for a boundary to really stick you have to enforce some type of consequence. "It you continue to tell me about x, this conversation will be over" Or "i will stop inviting you over".  You are NC with your parents for a reason: you don't want to hear the negativity. Unfortunately, you are still hearing it through your siblings.

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

Thanks for all the feedback. I should have clarified that the content of the last barrage of toxic information included a lot of negative stuff about the sibling that sent me the stuff. I think she wanted my thoughts on what to do. The reality is that I can do nothing. Ignore and avoid are my only two defenses against this stuff. I talked to her and explained how damaging all this is for me and she got upset with herself (because I have already told EVERYONE not to send me information and NOT to share my life goings on with my parents). Hitting forward on an email is so easy these days. I don't think it will happen again with this sibling.

I think that all of my siblings are broken. We all suffered a lot of abuse. Both my parents are toxic and abusive. The GC for one was the SG for another and it rotated. It is an interesting time for us. I think all my siblings are coming to the same conclusion, just at different rates. We relied so much on each other growing up, but I realized I can't get help from people that have the same blind spots that I do. Most of us have started therapy within the past couple years.

So, per your suggestions, what I plan on doing is this: First, if I get more second hand toxic waste from my parents, I will immediately tell the person that I don't want to hear about it. Second, I will NOT read it and I will discard the text, email, whatever. Phone calls are easier because I can just tell them that I don't want to talk about a subject and my siblings respect that. If the sibling persists, then I will just stop talking to them. Third, if I get something directly from my parents, I will have my therapist read it and work through it in therapy.

I posted a while back about one of my siblings pressuring me into visiting my parents around the holidays. That particular sibling has now figured out that what she did was awful and that I had very good reasons for staying away. We are all working through this and unfortunately hurting each other a bit in the process.

Thanks for all the feedback. It helps.

[caramelia]

I realized I can't get help from people that have the same blind spots that I do.

Thank you for this, I needed to read this today.

So, per your suggestions, what I plan on doing is this: First, if I get more second hand toxic waste from my parents, I will immediately tell the person that I don't want to hear about it. Second, I will NOT read it and I will discard the text, email, whatever. Phone calls are easier because I can just tell them that I don't want to talk about a subject and my siblings respect that. If the sibling persists, then I will just stop talking to them. Third, if I get something directly from my parents, I will have my therapist read it and work through it in therapy.

Excellent that you have a plan in place. I'm sorry for the hurt you and your siblings are dealing with.

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

Thanks caramelia. I am happy that so many of my siblings are coming Out of the FOG together. I feel like the hurt is just the painful process of cleaning out a wound that has been festering untreated for years. It hurts, but it is necessary for healing.