Hot & Cold

[Twinkletoes88]

My mother (NPD) near enough vanished on me since March. Friday she text saying she missed me badly and asked when she could see me.... today when I gave her a suitable date to meet, she replied to say she hoped to see me more when I had moved house (I don't understand this as I'm moving 5 minutes away from where I live now)...  less surprisingly, she also told me that we needed to get a date in for "a night out 😀😀😀" which means "for drinking".

I don't understand all of this. It's so confusing. One minute I'm trying to handle the fact she's given up on me and doesn't contact me or ask to see me despite living ten minutes away and the next she's telling me how much she misses me and how she can't wait to see me more and how we need a night out together as well as our planned breakfast.... I'm confused!!! 

[popcorn2]

 You are confused because you aren't NP but this is how they are.

[caramelia]

You are confused because you aren't NP but this is how they are.

Boy, is this the truth.

My mother once told me in a sarcastic tone how I always like everything so matchy-matchy, rolling her eyes as she said it.

Then came over for a holiday and gave me a ton of things for my new house (really nice, really generous gifts) that were all extremely matchy-matchy.

Who can figure them out??? 

[Twinkletoes88]

Hi Caramelia and popcorn2.

LOL thanks there is that I suppose...

Okay so perhaps trying to understand it is crazy-making and perhaps I am wasting my own precious time and energy in doing so.  That would be true..... but still..... I can't help my stupid brain....

I don't get how my own mother can literally act as though my wedding day was such an AWFUL day and look soooooooo miserable and never mention it again and then not contact me for literally months including not even wanting to see me on my birthday and then send me messages the last few days saying how much she misses me and how much she can't wait to see me and how she hopes to see me more.... like whaattt??

Is it manipulation or just dependent on how her mood takes her day to day? Is it that she was angry and now she is not?  Is it that she tried to punish me and make me come running and I didn't so she thought she had better do something else? Is she bored? Lost her supply? Just fancied seeing how easy it would be to pick me back up again? Eugh I don't know. 

Is anyone else's narc mothers like this?  I thought it was hard trying to cope with her being engulfing OR her being neglecting but this flip flopping between the two is harder!

[caramelia]

Is it manipulation or just dependent on how her mood takes her day to day? Is it that she was angry and now she is not?  Is it that she tried to punish me and make me come running and I didn't so she thought she had better do something else? Is she bored? Lost her supply? Just fancied seeing how easy it would be to pick me back up again? Eugh I don't know. 

Is anyone else's narc mothers like this?  I thought it was hard trying to cope with her being engulfing OR her being neglecting but this flip flopping between the two is harder!

It's probably all or none of that! Ha ha, really helpful I know, but it's so fruitless to try to figure them out. I always think that I wish both my parents would just pick one personality and go with it, so I would know what to expect. Like if you're going to be horrible to me, just be horrible. Don't be horrible one day then love bomb me the next. It messes with my head so much. I imagine you're feeling the same way.

[bohemian butterfly]

they are consistency inconsistent and that is where the crazy making comes into play.

It's like the brain turns to mush (which is understandable, it has gotten tired of trying to find a pattern, to make sense out of senselessness)

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.  I am dealing with something similar (my boyfriend lovebombing) but I keep posting and I keep writing in my journal.

It might make you feel crazy, but you are not.  You are a normal person trying to deal with the abnormal.

Stay strong! 

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

This happened to me. The cold was the discard. The hot was because other people started to notice that she was avoiding all contact with me and it made her look bad, so she tried to spin it that I was the one that was avoiding her. It could also be that she has gotten bored and maybe discarded someone else recently, so she needs more people in her life to torment.

[Andeza]

Well, M isn't a narc, but I think I know why she behaves in a similar fashion. uBPDM also will drop out of contact for weeks at a time, almost as though I don't exist, and then about once a month she'll send me a text message meant to guilt me into calling and talking to her. With her, I know she's trying to force me to initiate contact because then she "wins." Sounds weird right? Yeah, took me a while to figure it out. She used to say things about her family, like "if they really want to talk to me they'll call." She's now attempting to apply that same rationale to me, which does not work.

Imagine that my M has a pressure gauge labeled "need contact/supply meter." Now, day by day she doesn't actively think of me, or the wrongs I have suffered at her hands, or how ungrateful I must be for not contacting her. But in the back of her mind the "need contact/supply meter" is steadily increasing pressure. Once it hits the red zone, that's when she'll actually text or try to call me. At no point was I necessarily front and center in her mind. I'm just an item on the shelf that she periodically feels the need to pick up and play with. 

[candyapple]

It's all meant to be crazy making. They call it a double bind, where you get two opposite messages, meant to make you question your reality and perceptions. Her silent treatment despite being closeby, the intentional nothingness between you two for extended periods of time...I mean living that close how can you even avoid each other that long without suspecting it's intentional? Right when you are realizing it's intentional, she Hoovers you back in with lovely words stating the exact opposite of her previous actions. It makes you doubt and do a double take at your perceptions you had during the period of silent treatment. They are typically so charming you let that resentment go, don't hold them accountable, get comfortable and invested, then boom silent treatment again. You are left wondering what the heck happened, and pondering all the mixed messages. It's a way for them to control you and hour emotions. I couldn't handle that game forever which is why I went no contact. Best wishes to you but it's not you, it's her and it's intentional!