medium chill - did I do this right?

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Sidney37

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #60 on: May 13, 2019, 10:01:12 AM »
Maybe I should start a new post.  I thought I'd just vent here to those of you who knew what was going on.  They went on their vacation I assume.  I talked to her before she left the middle of this week, the day she told me about the vacation.  I called yesterday to say Happy Mother's day.  It just was 4 or 5 days later, but as I've posted, I'm expected to call every single day.  They had their phones turned off the entire day.  They went straight to voicemail.  I called a few times throughout the day - voicemail.  In the afternoon I left messages on her phone and his.  They never called back. 

Now today, my enD is posting passive aggressive memes and commenting on memes about loving your mother and respecting your mother.  Told one of his friends that their children (his and the friend's) kids don't love and respect their mothers the way they did.  Memes about loving your mother because one day they will be gone forever.  If it was just the memes it is one thing, but totally calling out his own child (me) on Facebook in front of our mutual friends and my husband's relatives because I don't love and respect my mother, is unacceptable.  My DH wants to comment in some snarky way on the posts about how they had their phones turned off all day and he's glad to see they are OK since no one called us back on Mother's Day.  I said it's not worth it and JADEing.  He thinks we need to defend ourselves and call them out publicly on their bad behavior.  I said the people here would say it wasn't worth it.  If I unfriend or block, they will say it's just because I'm the bad child and awful person.  It will be more evidence for the smear campaign.  How do you deal with the social media smear campaign when you've done nothing wrong?

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all4peace

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #61 on: May 13, 2019, 10:28:30 AM »
My opinion is you completely ignore it. This isn't a battle you can win, but it sure can get ugly while attempting to win. I stopped looking at PD's FB pages at all. One of the best choices I made. Every single time I wavered and took a peek, I was upset for hours-days. It's not worth it. You rise above it and simply live your best life, understanding they will play games, not answer phones and then accuse family of being so unloving.

uNBPDm did the EXACT same thing a few Mother's Days ago. It was just one more thing that started the rapid unravel of what was left of our relationship. This is not the behavior of healthy, mature and loving people.

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #62 on: May 13, 2019, 12:28:22 PM »
 :yeahthat:

Also, I think one voicemail/attempt is sufficient. But anyway, about the social media smear campaign... I am off FB now but when I was on there and saw passive-aggressive crap like that, I thought badly of the person posting it, NOT the person it was targeting. Maybe the person posting's feelings were validly hurt and maybe not, but it has nothing to do with me and looking for validation against somebody else with everyone they know is really cheap and nasty. This is just shaming, and has no constructive value. Hold your head up. Talk about love and respect, they are showing YOU exactly the opposite here. If flying monkeys don't see it that way, well you know what to do.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #63 on: May 13, 2019, 01:04:13 PM »
Social media - I hit "unfollow" so I don't see their stuff. Eventually I did unfriend and block just because ... My snarky 'tween reared her head and I felt like it and don't care anymore what PD persons do. However I do care what others think as a result of smear campaigns and medium chill those away with "really? How odd, we spoke just the other day, I'm not at all sure why you're under the impression we never talk, is that what she told you?" Cue backpedaling and trying to smooth things over.

Eventually over time some are catching on to the game and see it clearly.
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. Individuation is the key to emotional freedom.

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Sidney37

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #64 on: May 13, 2019, 01:08:29 PM »
Thanks all.  I just unfollowed all of my relatives, yes all, and created a list so that I can post without them seeing what I post.  It's sad that we have to do these things to keep our mental health safe from the damage that they do.  I just can't understand how they think this will cause us to continue to follow their rules when they walk all over boundaries, scapegoat, smear, give the silent treatment, etc.  It just pushes me away. 

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #65 on: May 15, 2019, 02:24:29 AM »
I think you did a great job in unfollowing relatives you suspect will be FMMs - or start a smear campaign.   :yes:

The best way to survive one is to *not participate* and ignore it.  Smart people will figure out what's really going on, and ones still stuck in the FOG will keep drinking the kool-aid.  That's just the way it is.

If anybody says (directly TO you) that your mother is saying this and that about you, I've found the best way to address it is to say, "That's really strange.  If she has a problem with me, I wish she'd tell me instead of telling everybody but me.  Anyway..." - and change the subject.   :ninja:

That puts the listener on notice that they're being *played* - and most people don't like to be used.   :thumbdown: :P

I agree - ONE phone message is sufficient.  You don't have to keep calling and hoping, but you did confirm something:  your mother is playing stupid, childish games and made it *impossible* for you to get hold of her on MD, so she's got something to *complain about.*  :violin:

I get where your DH is coming from in wanting to jab back on FB, with something like, "Mothers  who complain about not hearing from their children on MD, while keeping their phones turned off for the entire day obviously have their priorities elsewhere."   :evil2:

I get it - but I wouldn't do it.  Yeah, a little snark never hurt anybody, but your mother may see that as an act of WAR - and you don't need that!   :spooked:

Personally, since she's giving you the ST now, I'd tack on a few days between calls as a *penalty* for bad behavior.  If you were planning on calling Tuesday - I'd call Friday, instead.   :ninja:

And I'd consider blocking her number between your scheduled calls, just to keep it peaceful at your home.   :)

You wrote:

It just pushes me away.

The same thing happened to me - all Didi's constant crapola did was make me put even more distance between us, to the point I was calling once every 3 weeks - if then.  And in that call, I'd tell her NOT one thing, and refer all her complaints to her doctor, which would result in her slamming the phone down.   :roll:

That's when she started having herself hospitalized, and I just *wasn't having it.*   NO, I will NOT visit.  I am BUSY.   8-)

You have to wonder if people like your mom and Didi ever heard the phrase, "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar."

What I think happens is they revert to things that worked when we were small, vulnerable children, terrified of mommy's wrath and foul moods - and all the things that came with them.

But we're *adults* now and her power is *diminishing* because you actually have NOTHING to fear except her nasty words - and those words have NO power, if we choose to let them have no power.  :yes:

And, in some ways, your mom and Didi act like angry toddlers, themselves - having tantrums when they don't get their way, which is total enmeshment and capitulation, 100% of the time - no exceptions!  :blink:

A healthy relationship *doesn't work like that* - but they don't want healthy relationships; they want total CONTROL, and will use just about any means to get it.

*Allow* yourself to be pushed away and *forcibly* pry her many tentacles off you and your life with firm *boundaries:*

If she blocks me on her cell phone so she misses a holiday call, I will leave ONE message, block her number and not call for X amount of days.
   :thumbup: 8-)

That's not retaliatory - that just makes *good sense* because this person is NOT in control of the relationship.  Relationships are two-sided, and if she won't give an inch, you have to force the issue.

The next time you talk to her, don't mention her vacation or the whole MD fiasco.  Stick to your Medium Chill talking points, and end the call if she becomes upset or abusive, or excessively sarcastic.

You don't have to put up with it from anybody - especially somebody who calls herself your mother.

If she had a lick of sense, she'd be ashamed of herself, but I've found there's NO level they won't stoop to, to keep the playing field 150% tilted in their direction, while screaming it's not FAIR because the playing field is 150% tilted in YOUR direction, so you must GIVE and DO MORE.  :bawl: :mad: :dramaqueen:

That's not love.  That's abuse and control.  And you don't need it in your life.    >:(

 :hug:

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Sidney37

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #66 on: May 17, 2019, 10:12:15 AM »
It's been over a week and finally I'm seeing the gift that the silent treatment can be.  My DH and I have also discovered (he hadn't unfollowed any of them) that they were on vacation with the most toxic PD in the family who caused a huge family fight several years ago.  My parents had refused to see that person since, until this vacation apparently.  It will certainly reinforce my uNPDm's opinions of the situation with me.  It always does, because this other person is much more toxic, has children who are NC and encourages my uPDm.

We also discovered that a few items that went missing from our house when my parents were here might actually have been put in a place that we would have issues finding them if we didn't do as she insisted - She might have hidden them.  The only explanation is that she did it.  There were a few items belonging to my DD and DH that she was complaining hadn't been put away.  I found them this week somewhat buried under a pile of things that she was on my case to clean while she was here.  It wasn't a priority for me to clean that area until now, but it was upsetting her that it needed to be straightened ASAP.  I had called her weeks ago to ask about the missing items, to see if she had seen them or accidentally taken them home.  She insisted that she hadn't.   It should have clicked when she started taunting me and mocking my husband for having lost his important items that she had something to do with it.  It almost sounds paranoid to admit that I think she hid items of my DH and DD to see how long it would take me to clean an unused area of my house that wasn't a priority.  My DD is supposedly her GC, so why would she hide her important item as well?  To punish me!

Normal families don't operate this way.  The silent treatment might certainly turn into NC the clearer this all becomes. 

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illogical

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #67 on: May 17, 2019, 04:39:26 PM »
Hi Sidney37,

Your mother is playing more childish games, designed I believe to provoke a reaction from you.  She wants to manufacture chaos and watch you spin. 

I would not mention the fact you found the items.  The way she did this, it was so PA-- deniable.  She can still claim she had not seen the items and it was your inattention to cleaning that "hid" them from view, i.e., "you caused this problem"!

So don't take the bait.  I will go out on a limb here and predict that the next time you talk to her-- and she will eventually call you-- she will ask if you ever found the items.  I would say "Oh, those.  I'm sure they will turn up.  Turns out they weren't that important after all."  What she wants is for you to get upset because of the items.  If you act like it's no big deal, she won't have the satisfaction of pushing your buttons.  Also, if she does bring them up, you will know that she was indeed behind their going missing in the first place. 

I think it's important for you not to call her at this point.  Let her call you.  That was great that you did not show any reaction to her going on vacation.  I also think that because she invited this toxic PD along, it was another PA game of hers to get you upset.  She knows you don't like this person, so she makes them "her ally" to again, try to upset you.

Keep on with the medium chill.  Don't give her any personal info about you and your family.  Act polite, but not super interested in her vacation.  If she gets in a dig about the "unfollowing", don't take the bait.  Don't JADE.  Just say "I don't really want to talk about that" and if she persists shut down the conversation.

It sounds like you are getting the hang of Medium Chill.  It's difficult, but empowering to know you are shifting the spotlight from your mother to you and your family.   :yes:
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #68 on: May 18, 2019, 01:38:07 AM »
I completely agree with Illogical in waiting for your mom to call *you* and when she does, don't even bring up the items.  If she brings them up, I'd do exactly as Illogical advises:  "Oh, they'll turn up.  They really weren't important, after all."

She *wants* you upset.  She wants to push your buttons, and watch you *react negatively* - so don't give her the pleasure.  :ninja:

If your mom is going to play asinine, childish games, her last visit to your house would be, IMO, just that - her last visit *ever.*    :yes:

Remember the reaction she had when you weren't upset about her vacation?  *That's* what I think the outcome will be when you announce the items aren't important and they'll turn up.  It's not that you're trying to hurt her, but take the wind out of her sails.   8-)

Stick to Medium Chill, especially if your mom brings up how much *fun* she had with the person you dislike - "That's nice."  "Good for you." - and the like.  :ninja:

And tell her nothing of yourself, your FOO - any of it.  You've been busy with the usual.  Same old, same old.   Never a dull moment around here.   :ninja:

As for the unfollowing - again, Ilogical nails it - "I don't want to talk about that." - and if she gets upset, end the call.   8-)

You've *got* this, Sidney - especially now that you've experienced the sweet, sweet freedom of the Silent Treat and realize how much you like it.  It gives you freedom to process and move forward, because you're not being constantly poked, prodded, baited, goaded, antagonized, or verbally battered by your mother - who is old enough to know better, but chooses to act like a nasty toddler, having an extended tantrum.   :pissed:

I used to *love* it when Didi would slam the phone down, because it meant two weeks of peace and quiet.  For some reason, it was *always* two weeks - never more or less - like she figured that would be the *exact* amount of time it would take for me to learn my lesson, I'd come crawling back and tearfully apologize, while promising to never do it again.   :roll:

I never did learn that lesson - nor did I grovel, cry or apologize.   :sunny:  I took a page out of her book, acted like nothing at all had happened, and acted like everything was just *lovely* - which she hated, because her desired effect was to hurt me and make me feel bad.

I really do think that was the only thing that gave her joy.

As I said, it was never my intent to intentionally hurt her, but denying her the ability to hurt me was beneficial *to my mental health.*  I didn't get angry, I didn't get upset, I wasn't too enthusiastic about anything, I was low-key, like I was talking to a stranger I'd just met at a bus stop - you'd never give that person detailed information about you and yours - and *that* effectively blunted her fangs and talons.   :yes:

I was actually quite proud of my new Teflon-coated kevlar armor, because anything she'd throw at me would slide right off - you're well on your way to having your own set, which will protect you and serve you well.   8-)

 :hug:

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Sidney37

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #69 on: May 26, 2019, 12:58:25 PM »
It's been almost 3 weeks since I have talked to her.  My dad called.  We talked about what the issues are.  I told him what my boundaries were with her.   I reminded him of the boundaries set years ago that she broke during their last visit.  He reminded me all of the ways that he avoids her at home for treating him the same way she treats me.  He wanted sympathy for it being worse for him because he has to live with her.   I reminded him that was his choice.  He's clearly a fixer.  He confirmed that he knows how badly she treats me and others, but wants me to ignore her PD behavior because she's never going to change.  She isn't going to change, but I don't have to listen to it, especially not daily.    I told him that. 

A few hours later my uNDPm called and snapped at my husband that she was calling to find out why I am mad at her because she hadn't done anything to me.  It was like a young teen being required to apologize to their sibling but refusing to.  She didn't leave a real message or tell him to have me call.  She just half shouted about how she had to call to figure out why I'm mad this time when she never does anything.  I never called back.  They haven't called me. 

This might really be it?  I might not talk to them again?  It's very sad in some ways.  My anxiety is less because she's not insulting me and creating non-stop negativity in my life.  But at the same time, it's so sad.  I could care less about flying monkeys at this point.  She's shown her true self.  Who cares what lies she tells about me to her church ladies.  I'm sad that I might never see or talk to my dad again.    Does it sometimes just end this way?  It's strange, honestly. 

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #70 on: May 26, 2019, 02:42:36 PM »
Yes it's sad because it's a loss to grieve. There's no way to tell at this point if it's an end or if it will just slip into contact as needed or weddings and funerals only or let's sweep this under the rug occasional contacts or no contact if the silent treatment continues. It's hard to live with that sort of uncertainty but yes that's exactly how it is for some of us and I understand.
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. Individuation is the key to emotional freedom.

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illogical

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #71 on: May 26, 2019, 06:38:38 PM »
Hi Sidney37,

Remind yourself that you are in control here.  If you want to remain in contact, you can.  If you want to sever contact, you can.  The level of contact is up to you, although your parents' behavior may "make" that choice for you.

The fact your enD wanted you to ignore your mother's PD behavior is very telling.  He wants you to come back "into the web" and assume your role of Scapegoat.  So very typical when one tries to break away from a dysfunctional family.  But he is asking the impossible of you.  You cannot "un-see" your mother's PD behavior.  The scales have fallen from your eyes and you are OOTF.  You "see" your mother's PD behavior and your dad's enabling behavior in all their "glory" (or hell, as the case may be  :yes:).  And, as such, you have to make some hard decisions.  But you don't have to make them right away.  And you don't have to make the decision to go NC permanent.  You can proceed at your own pace and do what is best for you.

Telling that your mother called you.  She obviously sent your dad to "stick a toe in the water" and find out how you would respond.  Only you didn't fall in line.  You told him you didn't have to listen to her bullshit.  In my opinion, that was a pivotal moment for you.  You stood up to your mother, The Bully, and you said "No more!"  I think that is a milestone.  There is no going back to the web here.  No going back in the FOG.  Regardless of how this plays out, you are free.

Like I said, your mother calling you, but dealing with your husband and not you, was telling.  It tells me that she is very much a bully and really-- on the inside-- a scared little rabbit.  That's what bullies are.  They bluster and fluster, but on the inside they are quivering, shivering masses of jelly. 

You have come so far, here.  You are in control and that's a really big deal.  Yes, it's sad that it has come to this, but that's reality.  Your mother will never be the mother you deserved or want.  Take your time to process this.  You are strong!!

« Last Edit: May 26, 2019, 06:40:30 PM by illogical »
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #72 on: May 27, 2019, 01:50:08 AM »
I agree with everything Illogical wrote, and then some!   :applause: :thumbup:  :worship:

Your dad calls you and tries playing the victim.  Good for calling him on it and saying it's his choice to live with her, because that's *exactly* what it is.  People don't win Victim Awards for staying in abusive relationships because they *get something out of the Dysfunctional Dance.*   :blink:

If he wanted to leave, he would have left - and it doesn't give him cart blanche to spin his tales of woe to you, to get you back in your little Scapegoat box, so the Eye of Sauron no longer falls on him.   :aaauuugh:

He picked her - he can live with the consequences.   :yes:

I know why your mom called your DH - your dad probably got off the phone with you, and your mom grilled him, asking, "WTF is her problem, anyway?"   :mad:

And to keep the peace, good ol' enabling dad says the same thing he's probably been prone to saying most of his adult life, to save his hide.   "I dunno."   :roll:

Even when he DOES know, the answer is still, "I dunno" - because you *told him what the problems were* - and he's too chicken shit to address them with your mom, who puts it down to you being "mad" and she's done NOTHING to make you mad.  (BTW - she does NOT get to make that determination, and I know you're probably anything *but* angry - disgusted, weary, wanting peace, wanting to be left alone, and sick and tired of the bullshit, but certainly not angry!)

The level of contact you're *comfortable with* is up to YOU.   8-)

If you don't want to call for another three weeks, but the date grows closer and you're thinking, "Eh...I'd really rather not hear it.  I think I'll consider it again next week, and see how *strong* I feel then..." - that's perfectly FINE.   :)

Nothing is set in stone - and YOU make the rules.   :yes:

Yes, your mother calling your DH was *very* telling - like she's *tattling on you* for being a BAD DAUGHTER and thinks your DH will take you to task for it, instead of backing you up.   :roll:

Since your DH  had your back, there probably won't be more divide and conquer tactics, unless she starts bending your ear about how terrible he is.

If she does, say only, "That's really odd.  I'll have to mention it to him..." - and she will FLIP the hell out, but stick to your guns, stating only, "I don't keep secrets from my DH."   :ninja:

And that will be the end of THAT.   :yahoo:

And of *course* you'll tell your DH, while rolling your eyes and making a really silly face, indicating you know she's full of crapola.   :banana:

I'd expect your mom to stage some kind of "medical emergency" if she's not getting her way and has done so in the past - if she does, "stay out of it, completely.*  Do NOT go to the ER or the hospital, even if she's admitted for testing or some made-up problem or another - or even a real one.   :ninja:

This is important - she can't *summon* you with sickness, real or faked.  You are BUSY with your own life and your FOC, and the world doesn't just stop because somebody is admitted to the hospital.   :yes:

The first few days are easy - you don't want to be in the way - and that's *true.*  You want to let the doctors, nurses, and all other hospital personnel do their thing.

After that, you're just too busy and can't get away.  Whether you send flowers or a card is up to you, but I wouldn't.  Why provide intermittent reinforcement that her ruse may be working and she's just got to keep plugging away at being constantly "siiiiiiiiiiick..."     :dramaqueen: :violin:

I only mention it because you said something about being NC until a medical scare - well, she knows that one works - or *worked.*  Prove to her it doesn't by not budging an inch.   8-)

You are doing SO well, Sidney!  I am really impressed with how far you've come, so quickly - but remember this is a marathon, and YOU get to set the pace.  :sunny:

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illogical

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #73 on: May 27, 2019, 10:28:30 AM »
...This is important - she can't *summon* you with sickness, real or faked.  You are BUSY with your own life and your FOC, and the world doesn't just stop because somebody is admitted to the hospital.   :yes:

This is so true!  My relationship with my NM changed dramatically beginning when I refused to rush to her side after a "fall".  The ALF called me and I did not answer my phone-- let it go to v-mail.  The ALF woman was very annoyed with me-- I could tell by the tone of her voice.  She said "Your mother needs help!" with disdain in her voice.  I did not call the ALF back.  They summoned an ambulance because they were not equipped to deal with an injury (independent facility).  I know they expected me to rush to her side, but I did not.  I let a couple of hours go by, then called GC brother who was "hiding out" several states away (lol).  I told him I was no longer going to be responsible for NM.  She was all his!

WI is right-- I think a medical "emergency" is a distinct possibility here.  Even if you decide to go to the hospital, my humble advice is to delay your response.  Because really, the only support you can give is emotional.  You aren't medical personnel, so you can't attend to her medical needs.  So if you find yourself in that situation-- and I earnestly hope you don't-- tell yourself the world won't end if you delay your response.  That allows you some control over the situation because you are responding, but not reacting by rushing to her side. 

I also think it's great you don't care about the "church ladies" (flying monkeys).  That's a nice place to be, in that mindset that you don't let others' reactions drive your decisions.  Keep that in mind if you get a phone call from the hospital.  Maintain Medium Chill!
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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Sidney37

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #74 on: May 27, 2019, 12:45:27 PM »
Thanks again everyone.  Your advice is helping so much!

I totally think there will be a medical "emergency".  The question is "whose"?  Will she have a trip to the ER due to her stress over this and since she knows it worked before.  I didn't run there, but it opened up the lines of communication.  Or will he have so much stress from dealing with her constant complaining and picking at him because I'm not falling into line that he will have a stress induced illness?  Honestly it could be either.   I won't go to the hospital this time either.  I live hours away and unless the timing is just right, I can't pull kids out of school or summer camp to race down there for what is likely nothing.  Or even if it is something, what am I going to do with 2 kids in a hospital room?  The issue for me will be if it's him with an actual medical emergency.  Then what?

I think she certainly "made" him call me to find out what is going on.  He likely told her that he doesn't know and she needs to call me herself.  Unfortunately for her, she got my DH on the phone who told her that I'd be back later and that she should call then.  She didn't. 

Next up will either be a medical emergency or an email that she has taken me off as POA and beneficiary on all of her accounts.  That was her threat last time.  She actually took me off of most of the accounts.  Supposedly I was just recently put back on - years later.  Oh well.  Good luck getting someone else do deal with this as you age.  I'm an only child.  There is no one else that is going to deal with this.  If I no longer have POA or medical POA, oh well.  I hope her church lady friends are available to deal with the drama. 

I'm just wondering if they ever show their true colors to others once they run off their relatives?  I wonder if the church ladies will get a dose of all of this if I'm not around?

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #75 on: May 27, 2019, 04:17:35 PM »
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The issue for me will be if it's him with an actual medical emergency.  Then what?
then he goes to the doctor or to the emergency room like every other adult. There's nothing you can do, you're not a medical professional.

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I'm just wondering if they ever show their true colors to others once they run off their relatives?
once I disconnected yes I've had comments from others in the community that they're not sure what's gotten into my parents. Sometimes I just shrug, sometimes I ask what do you mean and get a good dose of validation, sometimes I just say oh that's nothing new that I've seen the same since childhood. Depends. Never though do I share my unprofessional undiagnosed PD suspicions.
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. Individuation is the key to emotional freedom.

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Sidney37

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #76 on: May 27, 2019, 04:56:50 PM »
once I disconnected yes I've had comments from others in the community that they're not sure what's gotten into my parents. Sometimes I just shrug, sometimes I ask what do you mean and get a good dose of validation, sometimes I just say oh that's nothing new that I've seen the same since childhood. Depends. Never though do I share my unprofessional undiagnosed PD suspicions.

Do I say anything when their relatively new church pastor calls?  Do I share anything?  Based on their recent friendship with this young new pastor, I'm expecting that phone call first.  The pastor will call with genuine concern and probably a bunch of lies from my uPDm.  I doubt this pastor has a clue about PDs.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #77 on: May 27, 2019, 07:07:19 PM »
Do you mean you think the pastor will try to intercede on their behalf to try to initiate reconciliation?
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. Individuation is the key to emotional freedom.

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Sidney37

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #78 on: May 27, 2019, 07:15:54 PM »
Yes.  They have a fairly new young pastor who has made friends with my uPDm and enD.  My impression is that this new pastor sees my parents and a few other older couples at the church like adopted parents so to speak since the pastor's own parents are far away.   If I get a call from anyone trying to initiate a conversation or reconciliation, I believe this pastor will be the one.   I think it's pretty likely that I will get that call.  Do I treat a pastor like any other flying monkey?  Do attempt explain that the truth is certainly very different than the version this pastor has likely heard from my uPDm?

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illogical

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #79 on: May 27, 2019, 07:18:54 PM »
I really can't imagine their pastor would call and butt into your family business.  If he did, I would say something like "I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine.  These things are complicated.  Again, I appreciate your concern."  And leave it at that.  Don't give any information.  Drop that ball back in his court big time, if he has the nerve to insinuate himself (innocently or not). 

Your mother very likely has painted you in a dark and foreboding light here, to the pastor and the "church ladies".  It's part of the smear campaign.  Read up on it and learn what to do and what not to do.  Maybe you already know, since you went NC previously.  It's not a pretty thing.  I remember well getting stared at by unwitting pawns in my NM's game, who stared daggers at me when I encountered them.  WTF?  Welcome to the world of The Smear Campaign.

I don't think the "church ladies" are wise to your mother's game, but you never know.  If they are only around her occasionally, they may not have seen the mask slip.  They may never see the "real" her, just an illusion of a "poor old lady whose daughter has done her wrong."  Enter violins.   :violin:

« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 07:22:19 PM by illogical »
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

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