medium chill - did I do this right?

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Sidney37

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #60 on: May 13, 2019, 10:01:12 AM »
Maybe I should start a new post.  I thought I'd just vent here to those of you who knew what was going on.  They went on their vacation I assume.  I talked to her before she left the middle of this week, the day she told me about the vacation.  I called yesterday to say Happy Mother's day.  It just was 4 or 5 days later, but as I've posted, I'm expected to call every single day.  They had their phones turned off the entire day.  They went straight to voicemail.  I called a few times throughout the day - voicemail.  In the afternoon I left messages on her phone and his.  They never called back. 

Now today, my enD is posting passive aggressive memes and commenting on memes about loving your mother and respecting your mother.  Told one of his friends that their children (his and the friend's) kids don't love and respect their mothers the way they did.  Memes about loving your mother because one day they will be gone forever.  If it was just the memes it is one thing, but totally calling out his own child (me) on Facebook in front of our mutual friends and my husband's relatives because I don't love and respect my mother, is unacceptable.  My DH wants to comment in some snarky way on the posts about how they had their phones turned off all day and he's glad to see they are OK since no one called us back on Mother's Day.  I said it's not worth it and JADEing.  He thinks we need to defend ourselves and call them out publicly on their bad behavior.  I said the people here would say it wasn't worth it.  If I unfriend or block, they will say it's just because I'm the bad child and awful person.  It will be more evidence for the smear campaign.  How do you deal with the social media smear campaign when you've done nothing wrong?

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all4peace

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #61 on: May 13, 2019, 10:28:30 AM »
My opinion is you completely ignore it. This isn't a battle you can win, but it sure can get ugly while attempting to win. I stopped looking at PD's FB pages at all. One of the best choices I made. Every single time I wavered and took a peek, I was upset for hours-days. It's not worth it. You rise above it and simply live your best life, understanding they will play games, not answer phones and then accuse family of being so unloving.

uNBPDm did the EXACT same thing a few Mother's Days ago. It was just one more thing that started the rapid unravel of what was left of our relationship. This is not the behavior of healthy, mature and loving people.

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #62 on: May 13, 2019, 12:28:22 PM »
 :yeahthat:

Also, I think one voicemail/attempt is sufficient. But anyway, about the social media smear campaign... I am off FB now but when I was on there and saw passive-aggressive crap like that, I thought badly of the person posting it, NOT the person it was targeting. Maybe the person posting's feelings were validly hurt and maybe not, but it has nothing to do with me and looking for validation against somebody else with everyone they know is really cheap and nasty. This is just shaming, and has no constructive value. Hold your head up. Talk about love and respect, they are showing YOU exactly the opposite here. If flying monkeys don't see it that way, well you know what to do.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #63 on: May 13, 2019, 01:04:13 PM »
Social media - I hit "unfollow" so I don't see their stuff. Eventually I did unfriend and block just because ... My snarky 'tween reared her head and I felt like it and don't care anymore what PD persons do. However I do care what others think as a result of smear campaigns and medium chill those away with "really? How odd, we spoke just the other day, I'm not at all sure why you're under the impression we never talk, is that what she told you?" Cue backpedaling and trying to smooth things over.

Eventually over time some are catching on to the game and see it clearly.
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. Individuation is the key to emotional freedom.

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Sidney37

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #64 on: May 13, 2019, 01:08:29 PM »
Thanks all.  I just unfollowed all of my relatives, yes all, and created a list so that I can post without them seeing what I post.  It's sad that we have to do these things to keep our mental health safe from the damage that they do.  I just can't understand how they think this will cause us to continue to follow their rules when they walk all over boundaries, scapegoat, smear, give the silent treatment, etc.  It just pushes me away. 

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #65 on: May 15, 2019, 02:24:29 AM »
I think you did a great job in unfollowing relatives you suspect will be FMMs - or start a smear campaign.   :yes:

The best way to survive one is to *not participate* and ignore it.  Smart people will figure out what's really going on, and ones still stuck in the FOG will keep drinking the kool-aid.  That's just the way it is.

If anybody says (directly TO you) that your mother is saying this and that about you, I've found the best way to address it is to say, "That's really strange.  If she has a problem with me, I wish she'd tell me instead of telling everybody but me.  Anyway..." - and change the subject.   :ninja:

That puts the listener on notice that they're being *played* - and most people don't like to be used.   :thumbdown: :P

I agree - ONE phone message is sufficient.  You don't have to keep calling and hoping, but you did confirm something:  your mother is playing stupid, childish games and made it *impossible* for you to get hold of her on MD, so she's got something to *complain about.*  :violin:

I get where your DH is coming from in wanting to jab back on FB, with something like, "Mothers  who complain about not hearing from their children on MD, while keeping their phones turned off for the entire day obviously have their priorities elsewhere."   :evil2:

I get it - but I wouldn't do it.  Yeah, a little snark never hurt anybody, but your mother may see that as an act of WAR - and you don't need that!   :spooked:

Personally, since she's giving you the ST now, I'd tack on a few days between calls as a *penalty* for bad behavior.  If you were planning on calling Tuesday - I'd call Friday, instead.   :ninja:

And I'd consider blocking her number between your scheduled calls, just to keep it peaceful at your home.   :)

You wrote:

It just pushes me away.

The same thing happened to me - all Didi's constant crapola did was make me put even more distance between us, to the point I was calling once every 3 weeks - if then.  And in that call, I'd tell her NOT one thing, and refer all her complaints to her doctor, which would result in her slamming the phone down.   :roll:

That's when she started having herself hospitalized, and I just *wasn't having it.*   NO, I will NOT visit.  I am BUSY.   8-)

You have to wonder if people like your mom and Didi ever heard the phrase, "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar."

What I think happens is they revert to things that worked when we were small, vulnerable children, terrified of mommy's wrath and foul moods - and all the things that came with them.

But we're *adults* now and her power is *diminishing* because you actually have NOTHING to fear except her nasty words - and those words have NO power, if we choose to let them have no power.  :yes:

And, in some ways, your mom and Didi act like angry toddlers, themselves - having tantrums when they don't get their way, which is total enmeshment and capitulation, 100% of the time - no exceptions!  :blink:

A healthy relationship *doesn't work like that* - but they don't want healthy relationships; they want total CONTROL, and will use just about any means to get it.

*Allow* yourself to be pushed away and *forcibly* pry her many tentacles off you and your life with firm *boundaries:*

If she blocks me on her cell phone so she misses a holiday call, I will leave ONE message, block her number and not call for X amount of days.
   :thumbup: 8-)

That's not retaliatory - that just makes *good sense* because this person is NOT in control of the relationship.  Relationships are two-sided, and if she won't give an inch, you have to force the issue.

The next time you talk to her, don't mention her vacation or the whole MD fiasco.  Stick to your Medium Chill talking points, and end the call if she becomes upset or abusive, or excessively sarcastic.

You don't have to put up with it from anybody - especially somebody who calls herself your mother.

If she had a lick of sense, she'd be ashamed of herself, but I've found there's NO level they won't stoop to, to keep the playing field 150% tilted in their direction, while screaming it's not FAIR because the playing field is 150% tilted in YOUR direction, so you must GIVE and DO MORE.  :bawl: :mad: :dramaqueen:

That's not love.  That's abuse and control.  And you don't need it in your life.    >:(

 :hug:

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Sidney37

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #66 on: May 17, 2019, 10:12:15 AM »
It's been over a week and finally I'm seeing the gift that the silent treatment can be.  My DH and I have also discovered (he hadn't unfollowed any of them) that they were on vacation with the most toxic PD in the family who caused a huge family fight several years ago.  My parents had refused to see that person since, until this vacation apparently.  It will certainly reinforce my uNPDm's opinions of the situation with me.  It always does, because this other person is much more toxic, has children who are NC and encourages my uPDm.

We also discovered that a few items that went missing from our house when my parents were here might actually have been put in a place that we would have issues finding them if we didn't do as she insisted - She might have hidden them.  The only explanation is that she did it.  There were a few items belonging to my DD and DH that she was complaining hadn't been put away.  I found them this week somewhat buried under a pile of things that she was on my case to clean while she was here.  It wasn't a priority for me to clean that area until now, but it was upsetting her that it needed to be straightened ASAP.  I had called her weeks ago to ask about the missing items, to see if she had seen them or accidentally taken them home.  She insisted that she hadn't.   It should have clicked when she started taunting me and mocking my husband for having lost his important items that she had something to do with it.  It almost sounds paranoid to admit that I think she hid items of my DH and DD to see how long it would take me to clean an unused area of my house that wasn't a priority.  My DD is supposedly her GC, so why would she hide her important item as well?  To punish me!

Normal families don't operate this way.  The silent treatment might certainly turn into NC the clearer this all becomes. 

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illogical

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #67 on: May 17, 2019, 04:39:26 PM »
Hi Sidney37,

Your mother is playing more childish games, designed I believe to provoke a reaction from you.  She wants to manufacture chaos and watch you spin. 

I would not mention the fact you found the items.  The way she did this, it was so PA-- deniable.  She can still claim she had not seen the items and it was your inattention to cleaning that "hid" them from view, i.e., "you caused this problem"!

So don't take the bait.  I will go out on a limb here and predict that the next time you talk to her-- and she will eventually call you-- she will ask if you ever found the items.  I would say "Oh, those.  I'm sure they will turn up.  Turns out they weren't that important after all."  What she wants is for you to get upset because of the items.  If you act like it's no big deal, she won't have the satisfaction of pushing your buttons.  Also, if she does bring them up, you will know that she was indeed behind their going missing in the first place. 

I think it's important for you not to call her at this point.  Let her call you.  That was great that you did not show any reaction to her going on vacation.  I also think that because she invited this toxic PD along, it was another PA game of hers to get you upset.  She knows you don't like this person, so she makes them "her ally" to again, try to upset you.

Keep on with the medium chill.  Don't give her any personal info about you and your family.  Act polite, but not super interested in her vacation.  If she gets in a dig about the "unfollowing", don't take the bait.  Don't JADE.  Just say "I don't really want to talk about that" and if she persists shut down the conversation.

It sounds like you are getting the hang of Medium Chill.  It's difficult, but empowering to know you are shifting the spotlight from your mother to you and your family.   :yes:
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: medium chill - did I do this right?
« Reply #68 on: May 18, 2019, 01:38:07 AM »
I completely agree with Illogical in waiting for your mom to call *you* and when she does, don't even bring up the items.  If she brings them up, I'd do exactly as Illogical advises:  "Oh, they'll turn up.  They really weren't important, after all."

She *wants* you upset.  She wants to push your buttons, and watch you *react negatively* - so don't give her the pleasure.  :ninja:

If your mom is going to play asinine, childish games, her last visit to your house would be, IMO, just that - her last visit *ever.*    :yes:

Remember the reaction she had when you weren't upset about her vacation?  *That's* what I think the outcome will be when you announce the items aren't important and they'll turn up.  It's not that you're trying to hurt her, but take the wind out of her sails.   8-)

Stick to Medium Chill, especially if your mom brings up how much *fun* she had with the person you dislike - "That's nice."  "Good for you." - and the like.  :ninja:

And tell her nothing of yourself, your FOO - any of it.  You've been busy with the usual.  Same old, same old.   Never a dull moment around here.   :ninja:

As for the unfollowing - again, Ilogical nails it - "I don't want to talk about that." - and if she gets upset, end the call.   8-)

You've *got* this, Sidney - especially now that you've experienced the sweet, sweet freedom of the Silent Treat and realize how much you like it.  It gives you freedom to process and move forward, because you're not being constantly poked, prodded, baited, goaded, antagonized, or verbally battered by your mother - who is old enough to know better, but chooses to act like a nasty toddler, having an extended tantrum.   :pissed:

I used to *love* it when Didi would slam the phone down, because it meant two weeks of peace and quiet.  For some reason, it was *always* two weeks - never more or less - like she figured that would be the *exact* amount of time it would take for me to learn my lesson, I'd come crawling back and tearfully apologize, while promising to never do it again.   :roll:

I never did learn that lesson - nor did I grovel, cry or apologize.   :sunny:  I took a page out of her book, acted like nothing at all had happened, and acted like everything was just *lovely* - which she hated, because her desired effect was to hurt me and make me feel bad.

I really do think that was the only thing that gave her joy.

As I said, it was never my intent to intentionally hurt her, but denying her the ability to hurt me was beneficial *to my mental health.*  I didn't get angry, I didn't get upset, I wasn't too enthusiastic about anything, I was low-key, like I was talking to a stranger I'd just met at a bus stop - you'd never give that person detailed information about you and yours - and *that* effectively blunted her fangs and talons.   :yes:

I was actually quite proud of my new Teflon-coated kevlar armor, because anything she'd throw at me would slide right off - you're well on your way to having your own set, which will protect you and serve you well.   8-)

 :hug: