Is 50/50 ok with a pd ex?

Started by Associate of Daniel, April 09, 2019, 11:44:30 PM

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Associate of Daniel

UNPD exH is going for custody of ds12.

Ds still thinks the world of his dad and his uNPD smum.

In your experience, is does 50/50 shared care work?

How do your kids cope?

If you know my situation from these boards, do you think it's something we should try?

AOD

mamato3

It's preferable to him getting full-time custody, but probably not ideal in any other situation.  Is he willing to settle for that? Where would DS go to school?

findjoy81

In the interim of filing for divorce and our divorce, we did 50/50 (I was coerced into it, him claiming if I didn't it would show I was keeping the children from him etc etc)...

In our divorce, I asked for 60% time.  He also asked for 60% time.  I "won" so to speak - in the sense I got more time.  So I have 1 more day a week than he has. 

I agree that 50/50 is better than him having full custody.  As far as can it work... as long as you don't expect any true co-parenting to happen.  And I've had to let go of things like children being taken to school on time and getting any information about if they are sick or something else is going on, because he doesn't share any of that (unless he wants to create chaos, then I get vague emails).   

Miranda0109

Hi,

My uPD xH and I had 50/50 custody for about 2.5 years. It wasn't ideal. It's hard to really call it "OK." But it was survivable. And preferable to him having more time. I am the one who moved out--and he was still in the school district, so 50/50 is where we ended up.

My xH passed away about 2.5 years ago and now the kids are 100% with me. Obviously, the loss was hard, but life is SO much easier without PD drama and chaos.

Both of my kids said they appreciated the "fairness" of it at the time--but some other perspectives have emerged over the past few years. My daughter recently admitted it was tiring and she was a bit embarrassed by her dad (he was always a mess). He dressed them badly and didn't help them stay on top of schoolwork, which also bothered her. Recently, my son has been sharing that dad emotionally abused and manipulated him. I knew that was likely happening, but he said dad threatened him to keep him quiet. :( And there was definitely the makings of a GC/SG dynamic going on (with my daughter as the GC and son as the SG).

So that last paragraph is not what you wanted to hear. But you know, dealing with an individual (or two, it seems?  Ick!) with a PD is going to produce PD behaviors. I did know what my children were likely experiencing, so did all I could to create a very different home environment for them. I made sure to keep life peaceful and stable, to provide them good experiences, opportunities to connect with friends, and models of positive engagement with others. They always kept their grades up at school and never got into any kind of behavioral issues. I talked to the school counselor at times about the situation with their dad. It took a few years for her to admit that she believed my version of what they were experiencing (you know the cliche two sides to every story--*sigh*), but she did. And she told me my kids gave her hope because they were so resilient despite their difficult home and custody situation.

So. . .50/50 is not ideal and definitely not a direction you want to go unless you have no other choice. BUT if it ends up being 50/50 then remember you still have tremendous influence over your DS. Trust that he will survive and he will grow to see the difference between his dad and stepmom's behavior and yours.

I also agree that you shouldn't expect any true "co-parenting" with an individual with a PD, as findingjoy81 said. And, yes, you'll have to become OK-ish with having less insight into the day-to-day when your DS is with his dad. And the vague non-answers and chaos-creating emails! So very true!

I'm so sorry you're facing this! I hope it all resolves in a good way for you and your DS.

sevenyears

AOD - I am in the same boat as you right now, so I don't have any advice. I can just give you support. It is a hard question to grapple with. If only the court systems could see what is going on and if only we had crystal balls to know how our children will turn out......

Miranda, how long were your children in the 50/50 situation?

cant turn back

AOD,
I am 50/50 with my ExH and our DD15, for the past year, one week with me then one week with her dad.  There would be no way he would get more than me, and with no "smoking gun" or very egregious issues, I didn't feel I could go for more, esp considering how fully ExH emerged himself into DD15's life the year before I left. 

It's incredibly difficult... only because ExH makes it so.  I think in some ways he believes that if he makes it as awful as possible, he has the fallback "this is what your mom wanted", ever covertly manipulative to win the affections of DD15 so as to not feel empty and abandoned.  While he gets the job done with the basics, and I know things are generally ok at their house... he's totally the Disneyland Dad, with a new puppy at their house, which he texts her pictures of everyday when it is my week, as in:  "See look what you're missing while your at mom's  house".  Even tonight she showed me a picture he sent her and said "look at —-, all cuddled up in my blankets on my bed".  So very covert, yet totally transparent and nauseating to me.  I am constantly on edge, worried that she will choose him, the path of least resistance, fewer rules and expectations.  And she is becoming ever more successful in triangulating circumstances to her advantage (the whims and desires of a 15 year old girl). 

Our DD15 has recently been having lots of struggles and I emailed ExH, appealing to him that could we meet to talk about how we can help her.  He declined and said a phone call was all he could manage as it might "interfere with his therapy" (he won't engage with me face to face, nor even speak to me).. but that he might be willing to have a phone call to discuss DD15.  I replied and said that would be great.  However the times I reached out to ask if he was able to talk he texted back and said he was too busy, that he wouldn't be free to talk for another week.  The only reason he pretended to agree to a phone call is because he knows this is the right thing and whomever he is getting counsel from (his therapist or his two brothers) they would certainly agree that we should be co-parenting about our DD15's issues.  Then at least he can tell them he offered to talk to me.  In his periodic rants to me via email, once a month or so, he's all about what a great dad he is and how he gets compliments all the time about what a great dad he is.  Still desperately trying to convince me (convince himself) that I have him pegged wrong, that he is a good person and a good dad.  I still gray rock it pretty strong.  No good will ever come from my responding to this, though he certainly tries his best to hook me.

There is NO coparenting, only parallel parenting.  It is "working" but it is an incredibly tense and less than ideal situation.  The worst thing is that I feel completely disempowered to make decisions for DD15, to help her, especially unpopular decisions, which there should be plenty of for teenagers, parents aren't friends or peers, they shouldn't always just get what they want...  I feel like I am somehow just relying on the person she is, and that the lessons she learned from her first 14 years were internalized enough to weather this storm of our toxic divorce and her adolescence.  She is walking a tightrope between us and she is ever mindful to not say anything negative to me about her dad, walking on eggshells, like she watched me do for her whole life.  It's hard.  I wish I had a crystal ball to know that she is ok 5-10 years down the line..

Penny Lane

"OK" is a good word for it. Not ideal, not even good, but OK.

Findjoy is spot on. If your ex is like DH's ex, your son won't get to bed on time on school nights. He'll be late to school, probably more than any reasonable person would think is possible. He'll come back to your house exhausted. And you've said he comes back to your house a different kid and needs to adjust - that'll probably get worse. Don't expect them to facilitate any homework on their time or other stuff like regular medicine. (Just a note, though, BM is single and I think a lot of this is that she's overwhelmed. Maybe the presence of two adults in the household would help with this? But with two PDs I wouldn't count on it.)

I've said this before but DH went to court and ended up with the kids just two more days each month, and the difference is like night and day. They're happier, better adjusted all around. I imagine the reverse would be true too - just a little more time with the PDs would be noticeably worse for your son.

But, like I said, it's OK. Right now, the way things are, I think DH's kids are going to be mostly healthy, well-adjusted adults who have the emotional tools to deal with their mom (and other difficult people). But it's a lot of work and a lot more stress on DH's part over the things I previously mentioned.

So if it were me making the decision, I wouldn't just roll over and settle for 50/50 at this point. I think your son would be much better served if you at least go down the path of court for a bit. I wouldn't agree to 50/50 unless you're worried the judge would likely order custody or more time with your ex than you.

But if you must settle for 50/50 - your son will be OK. Your life will probably be worse for awhile, but you'll be OK too. You'll keep working on radical acceptance, you'll instill good values and emotional skills in your son during the time you have, and you'll get through the next few years until he moves out.

Associate of Daniel

Thanks, Everyone - I think!

I can't say that I'm encouraged by your replies, but I appreciate your imput.

:)

How did we ever end up in this situation? We didn't plan for our children to live in 2 houses. Or to have to parallel parent with extremely difficult exes.

What a gut wrenching, devastating, chaotic mess.

AOD

hhaw

It seems to me that the ex PD delaying school choice is a sign of his mental illness.  It's not optimal to wait, and not have access to better schools, IME.  These things should be thought out, planned for, and proactively executed. 

What would happen if you went ahead and registered dd for school, the very best choice FOR HIM, and had that underway?  A rational Judge can see that you're acting in your son's best interests, and keeping his life on track. 

A rational Judge can see that this adult conflict isn't healthy for ds.  IT's detrimental, likely, and I have to ask what your original order says about decision making.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Associate of Daniel

It's not legal here to enrol a child in a school without the consent of both parents.

Ds is already attending a school that goes through to year 12 (he's in grade 6), so he has a school to attend if we can't get this sorted.

Our original court orders (and our only ones) say that we have "equal and shared" responsibility and decision making. (Or some such wording) You know, the usual unworkable phrasing that appears in standard court orders.

I long to have sole decision making but there basically needs to be violence happening before a court will award that.  And, thankfully, there is no physical abuse.

AOD

hhaw

Yes, the wording is typically woefully unworkable.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt