Preemptive documenting, what helps? What's pointless?

[Penny Lane]

Hi all,
We're settling into the new normal of life post-court battle between DH and BM and I could use some advice.

I had forgotten how much of a mess she is because she was really holding it together (relatively) while a judge was overseeing them. For example: No tardies all year, then they settled the case and since then the kids have been late to school about a quarter to a third of the days she's dropped them off. No homework is getting done at her house. Won't participate in discussions about extracurriculars, camps, etc.

Last time DH had to go to court it was kind of an emergency, she had let their health insurance lapse. He and I have agreed that he probably wouldn't go back to court for something unless it's a really huge deal, like he's asking for a custody change. (Ie, DUI with the kids in the car or similar). She also could always take him to court although I doubt it based on how it went for her last time around. Meanwhile, we're trying to spend as little energy as possible on her.

So my question is, if at some point DH might need to prove in court that he should have more parenting time/decision making power, what is helpful to document? What is useless? What is more trouble than it's worth?

Some examples:
- Tardies
- Kids not doing homework at her house (like, NEVER)
- Her lack of participation in sports - the kids wouldn't do any extracurriculars if it wasn't for DH. She does mostly take them on her time.
- She doesn't really seem to spend much of her parenting time actually with the kids. They spend a lot of their days at her parent's house, and she often gets a babysitter on weekends (in violation of right of first refusal)
- General violations of the parenting plan, like the aforementioned right of first refusal
- When she causes a scene in front of the kids, screaming and yelling at DH - does video of that help?
- Kids not getting enough sleep
- Kids spending the night at her friends' boyfriend's or parents' house on school nights so she can party

There's a whole bunch of other stuff too, those are just some examples. It seems like all of these things matter ... but would a judge care?

Also, we found that the judge seemed to like that DH had tried to work things out with BM before he took it to court. But like, how often does he have to do that before he's documented that he tried? Like the sleep thing, he's probably said something to her 10-15 times. She's explicitly told him she doesn't care. So like that's it, right? He doesn't have to send a monthly (or annual) update that it's still a problem?

Basically what I want to know is, how little energy can he spend on documenting while still having what he needs if he does go back to court?

[findjoy81]

I wouldn't go out of your way to find things to document, but as things come up, document.  All of our communication is email, and I do my best to use key words in my email subjects so I can find things.  At the end of each school year, go to the school and ask for their attendance/tardy records for the year and file it away.  Show that you have asked her to fix whatever the problem is, but that it is continuing (like you said).  I don't know how many times/how often you have to do that to get it to have weight with the court.  I have a suspicion it depends on the judge.  Whatever unbiased documentation you can have (school records are good) is great.  Just listing out, "son told me last week they spent the weekend at mom's boyfriend's house" is hearsay and likely not admissible.  I don't know about video/audio recordings, in my experience, they are unlikely to be seen/heard by a judge. 

[athene1399]

Maybe just track the important/easy stuff. Like tally up the tardies at the end of the year and make sure you can show it was BM who made the kids late (So she can't say it was you guys). Keep track of the receipts she isn't reimbursing her half of. Maybe if there's something major you guys are working on and need her input on (like the kids taking their meds, or doing their homework) and she's not helping DH to coparent, then maybe keep a copy of that email. Like if she's upright refusing to make sure the kids are doing their homework and it's also a problem the teacher has contacted home about. But it's really depends on you guys. How much energy do you want to put into it?   I like being prepared, but become obsessive at times. Find your balance. Find what's good for your mental health so you're not stressing about it all the time.

[anxiousmom]

Honestly, I tracked everything since the divorce (the last court order). Phone calls, times he was late, times he did something I found to be troublesome, etc. and I had a mediator still tell me the court would give him an opportunity to change from me having sole custody to him getting expanded standard. I still don't understand how they can do that when the burden of proof is supposed to be on him, and I'm the one with mounds of evidence to show the circumstances have not changed. So, for whatever my jaded outlook is worth, unless it's earth shattering it likely won't matter. (of course, I say that but I will continue to document)

[Penny Lane]

Thanks everyone, these are all great insights.

H and I were talking about this again and he had a really good insight as well. He said some of these things would be helpful in an initial custody trial. Like, a judge would certainly take into consideration where the kids do the bulk of their homework and get enough sleep, right? But the standard for a judge modifying an already agreed-to parenting plan would be a lot higher, and homework, etc doesn't pass that threshold. So we're going to keep that in mind.

I think what's not helpful at all - and findjoy you alluded to this - is a diary or document with every single issue we see. The judge is not going to give it a lot of weight and it really takes up a ton of energy. And anyway when we were in court there was nothing DH wrote down that was quite as damning as BM's own words, in emails to him. Fortunately (hah), DH doesn't have to expend any energy at all, those nasty emails just come in on their own!

I've also been thinking about it as "documenting" since BM won't ever work with DH on any of this stuff. But another way to look at it might be "giving her an opportunity to be productive on problems with the kids." I'm a lot more willing to invest (minimal, but some) energy in that. But also I think I should just step out of it too - I'm trying really hard to not even weigh in on a lot of this stuff, unless DH really needs me to. I think having at least one adult in the house consciously not spending energy on BM is good for the kids. And it's good for my own mental health! This board has been soooo helpful in figuring out how to do that, so thanks to all of you.