Having Problems Functioning

[Artemis T]

This week has been especially difficult for me, I have been having problems focusing. I have deadlines for work, and my house is a mess, and I feel guilty because I have a son to take care of and I feel like I'm not being a good mother because I'm such a mess.

It's like a sheet of lead is always laying on me, and I'm so anxious about everything, and I toggle between missing my emotionally abusive PD ex and shame for missing him, and then loathing him. I'm trying to redirect my focus and energy and I don't have any energy I feel drained and tormented. I try not to think of him being completely fine and unaffected while I am in shambles because it only makes me feel worse.

How do you manage days like this where it's work enough just to get dressed and make it to work
?

[coyote]

Artemis T,
It can be hard some days and even harder other days. What have you done in the past to get through times like this? Do you think there is some depression operating? Do you think some short term antidepressants might help? Do you have access to a counselor or therapist? I am not trying to diagnose anything and am certainly not a doctor to recommend any meds. Just asking questions for your consideration.

The other consideration is what kind of support systems do you have. Are there family members or friends who can help with housework, child care, etc., just to give your a break?

[Artemis T]

Artemis T,
It can be hard some days and even harder other days. What have you done in the past to get through times like this? Do you think there is some depression operating? Do you think some short term antidepressants might help? Do you have access to a counselor or therapist? I am not trying to diagnose anything and am certainly not a doctor to recommend any meds. Just asking questions for your consideration.

The other consideration is what kind of support systems do you have. Are there family members or friends who can help with housework, child care, etc., just to give your a break?

In the past I've usually just suffered through it, or been able to redirect my energy and focus. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression, PTSD and my therapist and PCP are kind of disagreeing and batting around a dx of Bipolar 1. Currently not on any meds but mood stabilizers which have been ineffective, looking to try antidepressants.

My friends and family have been awesome and very supportive. Couldn't be more grateful for them, but I kind of feel bad burdening them with my own suffering all the time, and I'm not the best at asking for help. I'm trying to break the housework down into daily actionable goals so little by little it can get back into shape. But recently I've just been extremely fatigued and saddened. My son is 15 and quite independent but I hate that he's seen me like this so often.

[coyote]

I understand not wanting to burden family and trouble asking for help. Typically though a supportive family would rather help than see you suffer. You also have your son to think of. So asking for help does not mean we are weak, just means we need a helping hand at times. As far as T and PCP battling I think the PCP should have first say when meds are considered. Just my opinion but a T is not a doctor. I hope they figure it out soon because the right meds can make a world of difference.

[openskyblue]

I remember those "heavy" days very well. It was all I could do to get myself up, off to work, accomplish anything, and get myself back home again. The first year after I left/escaped my ASPD ex were so. darn. hard. There were some days I just wrote off, as in "ain't nothing happening today but me breathing in and out." I had to let myself be okay with that. I also got on an anti-depressant and also sleep meds (because I would wake up in a full blown panic attack). I eventually didn't need them anymore and weaned off, but the 5 years I was on them, they were a godsend.

When they say that divorce is like a death in the family, that is about right IME. It's an enormous life change under "normal" circumstances. With a PD involved, the level of magnitude of affect on your life can rocket to PTSD proportions. I remember people here telling me to take care of myself, give myself time and room to heal, etc. Sometimes I thought, what is it with these people and this broken record message? I AM taking care of myself. Well, now I know that I was still pushing myself too hard, expecting too much from myself. You literally cannot take good enough care of yourself at a time like this.

Perfectionism and rigid self-expectations are good things to throw out. So your house is a mess? See if you can hire a cleaner to come in once a month. Feeling like you're under a lead sheet? Pull a nice blanket and book under there and give yourself a mini-vacation. Worried about your son seeing you stressed out and exhausted? Kids see everything. He'll have more respect for you as he sees you take care of yourself, heal, and rebuild. Watching a parent put their life back together after disaster is probably one of the most important life lessons.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

[1footouttadefog]

I think it sounds like you are using many effective strategies. 

I and several other people I know found it useful to simplify our possessions.  Removing things with bad memories attached, and clutter and things that no longer resonate with who we are now, and old clothes and redundant items made keeping the house neat an easier task.

There were times however when I looked around and thought "tough sh#t" everyone ate, and is safe in a clean bed so mission accomolished.

I would also make deals with myself, do a single manageable task then read for a while to rest my mind and soul.  Another day I might work then go see the beach.

Don't underestimate the importance of holistic self care, physical, spiritual, mental, social, intellectual.  Have you been fascinated or curious lately?  Eaten something super yummy, heard good music, taken a bath or whatever you find relaxing?

Sometimes just playing hookie from being an adult helps.  Can you and your son take a break and see a show, visit an arcade, or hike or something you both like?

As far as the idea of the ex being over it ND unaffected while you suffer, coming to terms with the possibility the partner never was who they should or could have been is a grieving process.  Be kind to yourself.

[Whiteheron]

I feel the same way most days. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

When I got home this evening, I looked at the state of my house and wanted to scream. It's a freaking mess. The pets made messes that will take extra time to clean up. There is laundry to be done. I needed to get some work done tonight - which will not happen.
All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. So I made a list. What needs to get done, and what needs to get done asap. Feeding myself (kids are with stbx tonight) and cleaning up the pet messes are priority. In between, I'll at least start a load of laundry. In theory.

Some days I can't even make myself pay the bills...I have the funds to do so, but making myself sit down to do it seems like an impossible task, I have no idea why??

I'm going to take time tomorrow to get a pedi with a friend after the gym- a rare treat that I can't help feeling guilty about. There are so many other things I should be doing...

[iamthefire]

I am right there with you but I am more towards the beginning of my journey. I know the heavy feeling you talk about. It's a symptom of atypical depression which contrary to the name is actually the common one. You really could not have hit the nail on the head more. I feel the same thing as you as far as being disgusted that I'm so sad to be away from somebody who is so messed up. The things I found out he recently did are far further than anything I ever thought he was capable of. They were sick awful things he did. And yet I still I'm sad. I was thinking the same thing tonight what does that say about me? And I do the exact same thing as you do. I just push through it. And it sucks. It doesn't feel good. But I just do it. I know that wasn't necessarily advice. It was just to tell you I'm in the trenches with you. You are not alone.

[1footouttadefog]

Below is a quote from an article I came across this morning.


No, narcissism is not limited to vanity or arrogance, as they originally believed. It is so much more pathological and insidious than they could have ever imagined; and even worse, there is no cure.

Gradually, through their research, they realize that the narcissist never really loved them or anyone for that matter, as narcissists are wholly incapable of love and devoid of a conscience. Survivors slowly accept that the person they were in love with was just a façade and never really existed. Finally, this awareness forces them to mourn the loss of three people, only amplifying and adding to their grief. First, they must mourn the loss of the person they loved who never really existed. Second, they must mourn the loss of the person they believed their narcissist had the potential to be. Third, they must mourn the loss of their identity that had been eclipsed under the crushing weight of the imbalance and inequity of their relationship.

End quote.
It's all hard to get to and through, stay strong, and give those pets an extra lovin' squeeze. 

[Artemis T]

Below is a quote from an article I came across this morning.


No, narcissism is not limited to vanity or arrogance, as they originally believed. It is so much more pathological and insidious than they could have ever imagined; and even worse, there is no cure.

Gradually, through their research, they realize that the narcissist never really loved them or anyone for that matter, as narcissists are wholly incapable of love and devoid of a conscience. Survivors slowly accept that the person they were in love with was just a façade and never really existed. Finally, this awareness forces them to mourn the loss of three people, only amplifying and adding to their grief. First, they must mourn the loss of the person they loved who never really existed. Second, they must mourn the loss of the person they believed their narcissist had the potential to be. Third, they must mourn the loss of their identity that had been eclipsed under the crushing weight of the imbalance and inequity of their relationship.

End quote.
It's all hard to get to and through, stay strong, and give those pets an extra lovin' squeeze.

This is interesting, the day I found out my ex had taken the woman he broke up with me for to the exact out of town location he took me for on my BDay, a memory I told him meant a lot to me probably less than two weeks before he took her, I sent him an email pretty much communicating this exact thing before I ever read anything about emotional abuse, PD's or trauma bonding.
Saying that I realized the man I thought I loved unconditionally never existed, that he was a mirage, and that the great qualities I thought he had the capacity for were merely projections. That he didn't have the ability to love me or anyone.
It's fascinating to find out that almost everything I communicated to him about his behaviors and how he hurt me are standard PD behaviors, and not some anomalous mystery. I can't say that it makes me feel better but it makes me feel less manic. He'd always tell me that I'd create narratives that made him out to be the villain and if that's what I needed to 'heal' then he's ok with allowing me to think these things, when in actuality they  were accurate descriptors of his malignant behaviors.
But thx for this, it's always cool to get confirmation to help with my constant second guessing.

[bgirl12]

Do you have a friend that can come over and just spend time with you and maybe have lunch and tackle the kitchen or a closet? One of my dear friends loves to organize so I bought us lunch and we made it through my closet one afternoon for a few hours. I get tired easily, so we just did a little bit and it really made me feel cared for. I felt happy, not alone, and now when I do feel like being organized, I remember exactly where we put everything.
I just want to encourage you as a mom. You are doing a great job and just do what you can. Are they fed, clothed, and safe? Maybe clear a space that is easy and play a game with them. Let them pick the board game or card game. You can hang out with your kids on the couch if you are tired. You are there and you love them. You can do it. And I do agree with some of the folks on here. Depression and anxiety can be debilitating and when you feel like you can't handle it, I think it is good to take inventory. Wishing you some peace and rest during this time.

[Associate of Daniel]

I decided a few years ago that as long as I could stay on top of washing, dishes, food shopping and bills the rest could just wait.

If someone has a problem with my messy house it's their problem.

It's more important to spend time with my son than ignore him while I stress out over a messy table of unfiled paperwork.

By term's end my house is a bombsite. But my ds and I have a great relationship.

Children don't see or care about mess, usually. But they do care if we're stressed or can't spend time with/for them.

So working on our mental and physical health is also important.

AOD