First holiday without entire family - ideas/advice?

[Blue233]

I'm struggling this year.  Last year at this time I was celebrating Easter with my family of origin.  I had no idea then how badly things would unravel only a year later.  Long story short, I ended up having to go no contact with my entire family (my father, 2 brothers, 2 sister-in-laws) due to escalating emotional and psychological abuse.  This escalated after my mother's death in Dec. of 2017.  She was the buffer that kept my father and brother's abuse at bay and everyone on at least cordial terms.  Now that she is gone, it was open season on me (scapegoat).  So I went entirely no contact with all of them and it's been about 8 months now.

So normally we would be spending the holiday together along with my children.  This year, nothing.  I am mourning a loss of family, even though I am not missing them per se.  I don't want to see any of them ever again.  I also am mourning the loss of a family experience (holiday memories) for my children.

Would love some advice or input on what you all do during holidays now that you don't have the toxic family around anymore?  I do have friends, but none that I am close enough to that I would feel comfortable foisting myself on them for the holidays (much less my 2 kids and husband).  Plus, it's quite painful and embarrassing to think of people knowing my circumstances. 

I would love some ideas on making new memories with my husband and kids - or just some comforting words that y'all have been here, too.

Thanks everyone.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Blue233,

I've been there. And I had an acquaintance who was also there and we tried different things which made it clear thst each year is different and each person does their holiday differently after a loss like this.

For me ignoring social media was hard, but helpful to myself. My holidays are not going to look like the ones posted online and I felt awful seeing people post about their holidays.

Identifying one or two activities to do with the kids - that's where I usually start and then decide on some special items for a couple meals. 

I'm on the 2nd decade of NC now and it has gotten easier every year.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hugs to you. I've been there this past year. We were invited to other people's celebrations for some holidays. It helps we live in an area with a lot of transplants, and a few friends who were aware of our family situation.

But honestly, the holidays I enjoyed the most were the ones where it was "just us." No expectations or drama. We had the opportunity to decide for ourselves what we would enjoy the most and just do it! Cook (or not) what we wanted, go to church services without considering cranky family members, knowing exactly what presents our kids were receiving and being happy about them all. It was great. And we deliberately removed any pressure about setting a precedent for subsequent years. Some things may become tradition, some not. It's all good, we're finally creating our own family culture. If we're living according to our own values, that is what matters and what will be passed down to our children.

My DH in particular has a hard time and gets depressed at the thought of being "alone." I don't feel so much alone as free!

[11JB68]

We've had a lot of success spending holidays with friends instead of with family! Thanksgiving for several years. Easter for several years. This year we even did Xmas, and it was SO much better!!!  DS21 loves it.

[Blue233]

Thanks everyone, appreciate the input and understanding.  It's really really hard, but I'm hoping it gets easier with the passing years.  It's comforting to read everyone's stories and see that it does.  I know I wouldn't be happy being around any of them anyways, so it's just a matter of moving forward at this point. 

I've tried to go out of my way to plan other stuff next weekend, I'm joining a yoga underneath the stars class on Friday, and having a small Easter with my half brother (unrelated to the narc family) on Saturday.  Sunday we plan on just taking it easy, maybe making a different tradition like going to see a movie or having a picnic dinner at a park. 

[Goldielocks]

Blue233, basically you need to congratulate yourself on coming this far. I don't know how old your children are, mine were nine and seven when we had our first Christmas without the foo. We spent more one-to-one time with our kids. I sat for quite a long time doing a new handicraft with my daughter while hubby helped our son to build a model.
I made quite a lot of effort with the food all day and so the gaps in our day were filled.