Wedding fog

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lotusblume

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Wedding fog
« on: April 13, 2019, 07:04:02 PM »
Does anybody have any stories about their FOO not being at their wedding or sabotaging their wedding?

A few months after being engaged, I went NC with my entire FOO.

I have finally begun to start looking at dresses and thinking of planning our wedding, and it brings me immense sadness and anger that things are so messed up that we will not be inviting them. That my mother and sister will not be helping me to shop for dresses, that I will be doing it all alone. I am very proud of this, and frankly happy, but also mourning.

For my fiance, he absolutely does not want to have them there or ever see them again. He is a witness to the abuse, turmoil and scapegoating they have done to me, as well as to him. I do not want them there either, but the foggy part of me is having a hard time with this reality. That part of me believes that they can/will show up and part of them be happy for me and supportive, though the evidence refutes that.

Has anyone here got married and not invited their FOO?

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2019, 07:38:14 PM »
There’s lots on another thread. I think it’s called, “Outrageous PD wedding stories, please.” Mine are there too. I came OOTF after my wedding, but they passive-aggressively sabotaged it anyway. It’s what pwpds do. But you know that.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and having a fiancé who is on your side with going NC! :cheers:

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qcdlvl

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2019, 03:56:23 PM »
Not quite the same, but for our upcoming wedding, my FIL was not invited - from my fiancée's FOO, only MIL, SIL and a cousin's son and his FOC were invited - no cousins, half-siblings, aunts, uncles, etc. From my own FOO, parents and uncles were invited, but only one cousin and one distant relative. Not as unusual as not inviting one's entire FOO, but still a lot less than for a traditional wedding, esp. my fiancée not inviting her F.
Our reasons are, as you might expect, that FIL is toxic, as are some of my cousins and some of my fiancée's relatives. They've proven toxic before, so there's no reason to expect them not to be toxic during or after the wedding. Even though we don't expect, except for FIL, that they would actively try to ruin the wedding, we see no reason to invite people we're not close to or who don't bring joy into our lives. Most of the people we actually invited are friends, not FOO.

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Kiki81

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2019, 01:05:27 AM »
My parents wrecked my wedding, reception, and honeymoon. They stayed up very late Friday night  partying with friends and relatives, they showed up 45 minutes late to the church yet in no particular rush. I was crying, assuming they weren't coming, and the kind father of one of my students was preparing to go down the aisle with me to get the wedding happening. My father then proceeded to pretty much race me\throw me down the aisle. After the wedding, my mom said they were late because my father though the was having a heart attack. So I spent the reception and honeymoon very worried my dad was in very bad health. He had such a good time at my reception pretending that he paid for everything (I spent my savings on ceremony and reception) that there was no toast to the bride or to the happy couple. I suppose he and my mom made up for that by showing up to me and my new DH's hotel room with my new in laws in tow, demanding that we host the 4 of them in the suite and we open our wedding gifts in their presence.

Later, about 22 years when my mom was raging over "Tell me what we ever did wrong to you?" I asked what was so important to make them 45 minutes late to their only child's wedding. After 5 minutes of gaslighting, misdirection, etc she threw her hands in the air and told me my uncle was running late (hungover) and what was she supposed to have done. My response was you show up ON TIME so the wedding is on time and an unnecessary relative (uncle) gets a cab or waits to join at the reception. And you don't give the bride the impression that her father is about to drop dead.

For my second marriage, when I informed them I was getting married in a lovely vacation spot, my mom clapped and grilled about how much fun THAT was going to be for them and their friends. I told them we were eloping and NO ONE was invited.

They hung up on me and didn't speak to me for months. Lol, it was fine with me! Had a wonderful wedding and honeymoon.

Do what YOU want.

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daughter

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2019, 09:05:10 PM »
Add me to your list of Dutiful Daughters with npd-enmeshed parents who hijacked their weddings, after threatening to not attend unless all their self-centered demands were met in exacting compliance.  I've posted about my hijacked wedding, about my parents' threats to disown me, to "never speak to me again", unless their demands were met.  I was extremely traumatized by their threats and rancor.  Even though I was quite OOTF, I was nonetheless still quite the obedient self-effacing Dutiful Daughter, and obvious SG.  I wish I'd had the fortitude at the time to say that if they can't attend my wedding, because their wedding-plan conditions aren't met, THEN SO BE IT, and begin my NC two decades earlier than when it actually happened.

If I had done so, I'd have spared myself those two decades of further emotional abuse, and sadness over our dysfunctional relationship: me, SG Dutiful Daughter, valued only for my usefulness to my parents' personal agendas and self-centered demands.

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Jeral

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2019, 01:06:49 PM »
Hi Lotusbloom, oh how I feel for you. Isn't it so confusing? You realize you are breaking the chain of toxic enmeshed Dynamics yet, especially with weddings, you yearn for those family connections, even if that entails pushing those abuse filled memories way back and focusing on the good times you had with your PDs. As for me, as long as I was playing dutiful daughter things were ok with their temperament and treatment of me! It wasn't until I started placing boundaries and going for what I wanted in life that their PD behavior erupted to the surface!

As for me, I did invite my parents and siblings hoping they would come, I was not yet officially NC at that point. They refused unless my now husband and I changed our nondenominational ceremony plans to their religion. My husband and I wanted to incorporate traditions from both our upbringings and that was very important to us, i respectfully refused to start my life with him on a lie to appease my PD parents. My mom refused to come dress shopping with me, they tried to get my whole family to not come, attacked my character, everything they could. They successfully got my siblings against me, but not my entire FOO.

Shortly before my wedding my dear grandmother passed away, I went to the funeral and my PD parents and siblings acted like I didn't exist. I later learned my m called my aunt screaming that I better not show up...my aunt did not tell me this as she knew both me and my grandmother would want me there. She made sure i felt safe and welcome. My wedding day came and my parents and siblings did not come, it hurt a lot. But my extended FOO did and they made it so special! It was also a blessing, my PDm has ruined many a wedding and family event with tantrums and scenes...but I would be lying if it wasn't super painful, that they would make the start of my FOC about them. We have been NC since, and it still is a rollercoaster of emotions, but what I do know is that the life my husband and I have created for ourselves is peaceful, loving, and filled with respect and my children will never feel a parents love and affection be conditional like I did growing up. All I can do is wish them happiness and peace and that whatever is causing their control and toxic behavior, that somehow someday they get out of their dark downward spiral. But it is not the job of a dutiful daughter to create their peace and happiness.

Stay strong, your planning and experiences will be different than most that have their family by their side, but you do have people around you who love you, your future spouse, friends, focus on that. You are creating healthy boundaries for a healthy marriage with your FOC <3

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lotusblume

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2019, 02:18:18 PM »
Thank you all for sharing your experiences and advice. I am very grateful to you all. Reading your stories have been very helpful and I thank you for sharing about something so painful.

I very much relate to the dutiful daughter before and during coming OOTF. Jeral, what you said there relates with my situation a lot.

Before we got engaged, my fiance took my father out and asked for my hand as a respectful and bonding gesture. My father was very strange around the topic, saying "I know what you want." He told my fiance a warning story about how him and his brothers beat up his sister's husband when he was abusive (not true), and how his father put a weapon on the table when that sister's then fiance asked for her hand...basically a threat by proxy.

When I was then together with my fiance and parents after the official asking had been done, I asked my mother if she heard the news. It was all out on the table, and she literally told me "shhh!!!" As if it were some kind of secret. I had to propose our own toast to our pending engagement, and they didn't acknowledge it out loud. They finally mustered a few words, saying "we are glad you have someone to take care of you now", one of them responding "you're saying we don't take care of her?!" The whole evening was not what I had imagined but only in hindsight was I able to pick apart their strange behaviour, even though at the time I felt crushed.

Fast forward to when we got engaged... Their reaction was truly mind blowing. F says something along the lines of, "so, how do you feel being engaged to a married man?" (My fiances divorce not being finalized). It was so cruel, I called him out on the spot, he apologized saying he didn't know why he said that, it was a bad joke, it was very stupid of him. I was horrified by not only his comment but what I can now pinpoint as my mother's indifference and distraction. I cried after speaking with them on the phone. My fiance was so pissed. I was not OOTF at that point, and found excuses for them. The next day I confronted them, and my father scrambles to fix everything, while my mother blamed all the dysfunction on my father.  I told her I was upset with her too, because she seemed distracted and not to really care, and that I had cried after speaking with them (very difficult for me to tell my mother she had hurt my feelings). She started to cry, and said "well how do you think I feel now???"

Even after all that, we made "amends" in the old dysfunctional way, my fiance and I agreed to let that huge one go, and then sh*t hit the fan even worse about a month later.