Wedding fog

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lotusblume

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Wedding fog
« on: April 13, 2019, 07:04:02 PM »
Does anybody have any stories about their FOO not being at their wedding or sabotaging their wedding?

A few months after being engaged, I went NC with my entire FOO.

I have finally begun to start looking at dresses and thinking of planning our wedding, and it brings me immense sadness and anger that things are so messed up that we will not be inviting them. That my mother and sister will not be helping me to shop for dresses, that I will be doing it all alone. I am very proud of this, and frankly happy, but also mourning.

For my fiance, he absolutely does not want to have them there or ever see them again. He is a witness to the abuse, turmoil and scapegoating they have done to me, as well as to him. I do not want them there either, but the foggy part of me is having a hard time with this reality. That part of me believes that they can/will show up and part of them be happy for me and supportive, though the evidence refutes that.

Has anyone here got married and not invited their FOO?

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2019, 07:38:14 PM »
There’s lots on another thread. I think it’s called, “Outrageous PD wedding stories, please.” Mine are there too. I came OOTF after my wedding, but they passive-aggressively sabotaged it anyway. It’s what pwpds do. But you know that.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and having a fiancé who is on your side with going NC! :cheers:

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qcdlvl

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2019, 03:56:23 PM »
Not quite the same, but for our upcoming wedding, my FIL was not invited - from my fiancée's FOO, only MIL, SIL and a cousin's son and his FOC were invited - no cousins, half-siblings, aunts, uncles, etc. From my own FOO, parents and uncles were invited, but only one cousin and one distant relative. Not as unusual as not inviting one's entire FOO, but still a lot less than for a traditional wedding, esp. my fiancée not inviting her F.
Our reasons are, as you might expect, that FIL is toxic, as are some of my cousins and some of my fiancée's relatives. They've proven toxic before, so there's no reason to expect them not to be toxic during or after the wedding. Even though we don't expect, except for FIL, that they would actively try to ruin the wedding, we see no reason to invite people we're not close to or who don't bring joy into our lives. Most of the people we actually invited are friends, not FOO.

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Kiki81

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2019, 01:05:27 AM »
My parents wrecked my wedding, reception, and honeymoon. They stayed up very late Friday night  partying with friends and relatives, they showed up 45 minutes late to the church yet in no particular rush. I was crying, assuming they weren't coming, and the kind father of one of my students was preparing to go down the aisle with me to get the wedding happening. My father then proceeded to pretty much race me\throw me down the aisle. After the wedding, my mom said they were late because my father though the was having a heart attack. So I spent the reception and honeymoon very worried my dad was in very bad health. He had such a good time at my reception pretending that he paid for everything (I spent my savings on ceremony and reception) that there was no toast to the bride or to the happy couple. I suppose he and my mom made up for that by showing up to me and my new DH's hotel room with my new in laws in tow, demanding that we host the 4 of them in the suite and we open our wedding gifts in their presence.

Later, about 22 years when my mom was raging over "Tell me what we ever did wrong to you?" I asked what was so important to make them 45 minutes late to their only child's wedding. After 5 minutes of gaslighting, misdirection, etc she threw her hands in the air and told me my uncle was running late (hungover) and what was she supposed to have done. My response was you show up ON TIME so the wedding is on time and an unnecessary relative (uncle) gets a cab or waits to join at the reception. And you don't give the bride the impression that her father is about to drop dead.

For my second marriage, when I informed them I was getting married in a lovely vacation spot, my mom clapped and grilled about how much fun THAT was going to be for them and their friends. I told them we were eloping and NO ONE was invited.

They hung up on me and didn't speak to me for months. Lol, it was fine with me! Had a wonderful wedding and honeymoon.

Do what YOU want.

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daughter

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2019, 09:05:10 PM »
Add me to your list of Dutiful Daughters with npd-enmeshed parents who hijacked their weddings, after threatening to not attend unless all their self-centered demands were met in exacting compliance.  I've posted about my hijacked wedding, about my parents' threats to disown me, to "never speak to me again", unless their demands were met.  I was extremely traumatized by their threats and rancor.  Even though I was quite OOTF, I was nonetheless still quite the obedient self-effacing Dutiful Daughter, and obvious SG.  I wish I'd had the fortitude at the time to say that if they can't attend my wedding, because their wedding-plan conditions aren't met, THEN SO BE IT, and begin my NC two decades earlier than when it actually happened.

If I had done so, I'd have spared myself those two decades of further emotional abuse, and sadness over our dysfunctional relationship: me, SG Dutiful Daughter, valued only for my usefulness to my parents' personal agendas and self-centered demands.

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Jeral

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2019, 01:06:49 PM »
Hi Lotusbloom, oh how I feel for you. Isn't it so confusing? You realize you are breaking the chain of toxic enmeshed Dynamics yet, especially with weddings, you yearn for those family connections, even if that entails pushing those abuse filled memories way back and focusing on the good times you had with your PDs. As for me, as long as I was playing dutiful daughter things were ok with their temperament and treatment of me! It wasn't until I started placing boundaries and going for what I wanted in life that their PD behavior erupted to the surface!

As for me, I did invite my parents and siblings hoping they would come, I was not yet officially NC at that point. They refused unless my now husband and I changed our nondenominational ceremony plans to their religion. My husband and I wanted to incorporate traditions from both our upbringings and that was very important to us, i respectfully refused to start my life with him on a lie to appease my PD parents. My mom refused to come dress shopping with me, they tried to get my whole family to not come, attacked my character, everything they could. They successfully got my siblings against me, but not my entire FOO.

Shortly before my wedding my dear grandmother passed away, I went to the funeral and my PD parents and siblings acted like I didn't exist. I later learned my m called my aunt screaming that I better not show up...my aunt did not tell me this as she knew both me and my grandmother would want me there. She made sure i felt safe and welcome. My wedding day came and my parents and siblings did not come, it hurt a lot. But my extended FOO did and they made it so special! It was also a blessing, my PDm has ruined many a wedding and family event with tantrums and scenes...but I would be lying if it wasn't super painful, that they would make the start of my FOC about them. We have been NC since, and it still is a rollercoaster of emotions, but what I do know is that the life my husband and I have created for ourselves is peaceful, loving, and filled with respect and my children will never feel a parents love and affection be conditional like I did growing up. All I can do is wish them happiness and peace and that whatever is causing their control and toxic behavior, that somehow someday they get out of their dark downward spiral. But it is not the job of a dutiful daughter to create their peace and happiness.

Stay strong, your planning and experiences will be different than most that have their family by their side, but you do have people around you who love you, your future spouse, friends, focus on that. You are creating healthy boundaries for a healthy marriage with your FOC <3

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orb

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #6 on: April 28, 2019, 09:00:21 PM »
i was married for almost 20 years before i got Out of the FOG and went NC.
needless to say, my uNPDparents did everything in their power to destroy my wedding.....down to uNPDmother wearing a white lace dress.
so, i’d recommend that you keep your NC, and focus on celebrating the start of a wonderful life together with somebody  you have chosen.
yes, it is a bit sad that your family cannot be involved in that celebration....but keep in mind that you didn’t cause it and you cannot fix it.
believe me, if you invite them, you’ll be much much worse off.

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Twinkletoes88

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #7 on: April 29, 2019, 08:51:27 AM »
Oh you poor thing, this was how I was feeling a year ago. I got married last August and for 6 months before the wedding, I had gone NC with my narc mother and her husband. I planned the whole wedding without her being in my life and can absolutely relate to the feelings you’re having. It’s awful.

For me personally, I couldn’t deal with the feelings of guilt and maybe fear etc and so I got in touch with my narc mother and invited her and her husband to the wedding but everyone else had received an invitation months before her.

They came but I honestly wish they hadn’t. She was completely unemotional to the point she looked furious all day and her husband was angry, aggressive and rude. He was nasty to my husband, one of my stepchildren and he ignored me completely. I don’t know why he came other than possibly he had no choice (my mother wears the trousers!!).

I was busy that day and then keeping their distance worked well for me but it hit me a couple of days afterwards. The family that stayed at our venue were meeting for breakfast the following day at 9am and my mother text at 6am(!!) to say they had left to “feed the dog”. Again, at the time I wasn’t bothered but a day after I was very hurt by that.

I saw my mother about 6 weeks after my wedding day and she didn’t mention a thing about it. She never told me that I looked nice or anything. That was really tough. Then when I put some photos up on social media, she didn’t “like” a single one. There was nothing whatsoever on her social media about her daughter having got married or anything.

My mother did however point out to me that if I hadn’t eventually invited her, that “none of the family” were intending to go. Including my grandparents, aunties and uncles or cousins. I’ll be honest I don’t really care about that but it was horrible to realise. She’s not lying either, I believe that nobody would have come.

Anyway... sorry.. the point is, I guess in some ways the fact that she was there helps because perhaps I would still feel guilt and regret if she wasn’t.. but also it caused me a lot of sadness because clearly that’s not how I ever imagined it being.

I took my mother in law to choose my wedding dress and I’m so glad I did. I also went to my dress fittings alone and like you I felt both proud and strong and also sad.

I really wish you every happiness.


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Hilltop

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #8 on: April 29, 2019, 03:06:26 PM »
Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding.  It is sad to think that family are not going to be there however if they are there you bet they will do something to try to sabotage your happiness.

My sister didn't come.  Why, her answer, I can't be bothered.

The first moment my mother saw me in my wedding dress all ready to walk down the aisle, what did she say to me "How do I look?"  She had also sabotaged the makeup ladies so they didn't arrive to do my makeup.  They ended up getting there but late after I frantically called them to ask where they were, my mother had cancelled them.

I was seething, she was smiling and then got the camera out and took a photo of just my face, I still have the photo, the expression still to this day amazes me, my face is one of disgust and anger.  My mother took a photo of that expression all while smiling at me asking how she looked.

Don't let your family hurt you on your special day, enjoy it.

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free_thoughts

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #9 on: April 29, 2019, 03:28:32 PM »
Hello Lotusblume,

Congratulations!! What an exciting time for you!!

I am also getting married this year and my parents will not be attending either so I can relate to how you feel. I am dealing with it by taking the time to really think about what each event (buying wedding dress, picking a venue, discussing decorations, the wedding day itself) would be like with my mum and dad there and how that would make me feel. I let the scenarios play out in my head and feel all the feelings that come with it. Usually I end up feeling utter relief that they will not be there for any of it!!!! I also like to think about all the people that I love that will be there to support and celebrate with us.

Having said that I don't think there is any shame in allowing yourself to feel sad and grieve for the wedding you thought you were going to get.

Good luck with everything, I hope you have the best day ever!

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Saywhat

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2019, 03:58:05 PM »
Oh God, this makes me sad.

First of all, I feel with you. Having trouble with your FOO around your wedding time is terribly sad.

My parents sabotaged my wedding, and that was the straw that broke the camels back for me and made me go NC. They didn't do anything outrageous, no shouting or aggressive behaviour (I had wanted them to behave) , but they were terribly passive aggressive and did not seem happy for me at all. They didn't seem unhappy either, they just didn't seem to care at all. To me, this was a huge eyes wide open moment. These people who had raised me Didn't Care For Me. All the abuse and scapegoating had not been done out of 'care and concern' like they had told me my entire life. It was simply abuse and scapegoating, no excuses, period.

I have bitter sweet memories of my wedding (other than this, it was a really happy day) but I am in a way happy that they came as this opened my eyes forever.

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lotusblume

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Re: Wedding fog
« Reply #11 on: May 19, 2019, 10:51:21 PM »
A big thank you all so much for your replies, stories and support. I extend my sympathies and support back to you. Getting stronger everyday OOTF!!