does it ever end when kids are involved?

[Elsbeth]

I would really like peace and quiet and to have to not deal with the uNPD-ex

However with kids, even older kids, it seems to be never ending and I am feeling disheartened. Kids are not emancipated - adults. So legally the ex and I are both involved decision makers and have a court order by which to abide.

Quick side note, the ex has not abided by one part of the order currently.

The order, as with anything court related, tends to leave the thinnest of openings for a uNPD to squeeze into with gas lighting and word salads so as to not just abide.

Today is one of those days. From my perspective, I see the squeeze as just another obstacle and avoidance of money toward kids that have been divorced along with me. However I am pissed off in that any success by the kid, the uNPD-ex loves loves lurves to take credit and be boastful.

I know those are all NPD issues and disorders.

I'm just tired of it and as I run out of money to deal with these things it feels more pronounced / more injurious.

Hence, I am just tired.

So to the group ... does it ever end when kids are involved? When the kids are emancipated, can I actually block the uNP-ex emails as junk mail? When the kids are emancipated, can I block the cell number or at least respond to any text as "who dis? new phone" and then fein it being the wrong number?

when does it end?

[Poison Ivy]

My children are adults and both were already adults when the divorce was taking place and was finalized. 

However, there are two main ways in which I still have contact with my ex because of our children. 

1) Ex has agreed to help with certain expenses that I cover or contribute to for the children. I'm grateful when he contributes.  But he tends to not respond to my messages about the expenses and he shares finances with his father in a potentially illegal way, so the money transfers only occur after a lot of silence and secrecy on ex's part.

2) I received the family home in the property division.  Ex lives with his parents, 150 miles away.  When our children are planning visits to our home state, they always contact me first and I often help them pay for plane tickets. I usually pick them up at the airport.  They stay at my house, which is where they grew up. The process of contacting and seeing their dad is slowly evolving toward one in which our children contact him directly and independently. If he or they don't want the visits to take place at his parents' home, so far the only place the visits have occured has been at my house.  Yep, that can be very awkward. So far, I have not had the courage to say, "Can't you find someplace else to meet that isn't our house but doesn't require our children to drive 300 miles?"

[Associate of Daniel]

Elsbeth, I'm right there with you and wondering the same thing.

I'm looking forward to blocking the email addresses and phone numbers of my uNPD exH and his uNPD wife one day in about 7 years (hopefully).

But I also don't want to.

There's the "what if something happens to ds? How would I find out?" thing.

But there's also the fact that I'd be closing the door on what will have been a very (awful but) significant part of my life for nearly 30 years.

Much as I long to never hear from them again, or to deal with their abuse, or to have to clean up their chaos, it would leave a massive hole in my life.

So, I'm working as best I can with my limited time, energy and resources, to firm up my own identity outside of my uNPD exH.

And I'm trying to limit communication with them by not responding to emails that require no response, by using B.I.F.F. strategies etc..

Their abuse has the appearance of being cyclical most of the time, although I've never once been hoovered. That fact, and that he seems to get worse around his holidays and significant events, helps me to detach emotionally from the abuse.

Detaching emotionally  completely is my goal.  I hope to remain compassionate about my uNPD exH but I aim to be emotionally detached for my own sanity.

As ds12 gets older, I hope he can take on more of the communication. But that will likely lead to me having to pick up the pieces as he comes to realise who his dad and smum are. I want him to know, but I don't want him to be hurt.

It could go the other way, too. Ds could fall completely for their game, and that scares me.

Anyway, enough rambling.

Hooefully others can give us some advice and hope.

AOD

[Rose1]

In my case peace reigned when oldest d went nc at age 24. Prior to that I had seen ex at funerals but not to talk to. He tended to use the girls to communicate and be passive aggressive through which wasn't good but nothing I could do anything about except support them and validate that it wasn't acceptable.
Answered their questions truthfully. Discussed bpd and mental illness (mid to late teens) and again expected our family values to be kept In our house.

They saw the contrast clearly but they had very little contact with pd and I really think that make a huge difference.

A friend of mine had her violent ex come back into adult son's life in his early 20s with lure of job and money. He went to live with his father. She was advised to let him without trying to prevent it. 3 months later he came back with "you were so right". Apparently his father had tried control and then lashed out.
Others do unfortunately drink the cool aid or think they are strong enough to deal with it.
I strongly believe in hindsight that protecting our kids from the pd in their life sets them up for trouble. They do better if they learn strategies on dealing with pd. Kids who are sheltered from pd, told their parent means well, loves them, doesn't mean it etc etc get mixed messages and cognitive dissonance. It's also a rude shock when they wake up one day and are suddenly the target, or as my oldest d (former golden child) says "painted my own shade of black".

[Elsbeth]

i think the kids at their own level of understanding have some concept of what is PD but I also think (know?) that kids want the love and acceptance of a parent.

I just want NC with the uNPD-ex and seem to be realizing that will not occur until all the kids are emancipated adults.

And as for a black hole in my life if there is NC with the ex - yeah no. It will be the filling of light into years that had blackness. The NC is a means of healing me with light and a firm boundary that I am not the fuel for the uNPD-ex.

I just cannot accept that my existence on EARTH has to consist of having contact with the uNPD-ex.