Thank you for being here

[Echo in the Dark]

This is my second go round with this site. I didn't create an account the first time, just used the information and browsed the forums for my validation of my uN ExH (did I do that right?  ). This site and the research gave me a very good understanding of  Overt Narcissism. But I didn't dig deep enough to see why I looked for love within abusive relationships. I dropped the ball 10 years ago.

And here comes that "getting your wildest dream to come true" at 52 years of age, HUGE trigger,  that made me go back to digging through university and psychological research in an effort to understand my (diagnosed as BP 1) M and BAM - we now have a "covert" narcissist.  More books, more crying, and I came back to this site and looked under the parents tabs, reading through and crying even more.
We share so many of the same stories. I have been reading parts of my life in your posts and wanted to thank you for having the courage to be here. For giving me the courage to be here.

I'm tired of existing and ready to live. I want out of the fear cages, to rid myself of the nagging voice in my head and heal myself from a lifetime of hurt. I want to understand my own feelings!
But first and foremost I need to get through the rents 50th anniversary party without falling into the chaos party and other traps waiting for me after going LC for the last 2 months.
Wish me luck!

[Goldielocks]

Hello, Echo in the Dark. 
You'll need to be So prepared for that party. I would be very tempted to follow the theme of LC and not spend very much time there. There will be traps without a doubt and people will have been drinking ...
A possible approach you could try would be to display the utmost, gracious good manners you can possibly muster towards everyone and then leave the first chance you get.
As requested, I'm Wishing you Good Luck.

[coyote]

Echo,
Welcome to Out of the FOG. Yes it can be a shocker to realize what we have been dealing with. The Toolbox is a great place to start to find tips and tricks on how to keep yourself emotionally safe when confronted with these challenges. Setting boundaries, Medium Chill, no JADE, avoiding Circular Conversations, are tools we use a lot. You will also find a lot of support and good feedback on the boards. Once again welcome. I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us.

[openskyblue]

Welcome toOOTF, Echo. It sounds like you have fully embarked on the journey.

I'm tired of existing and ready to live. I want out of the fear cages, to rid myself of the nagging voice in my head and heal myself from a lifetime of hurt. I want to understand my own feelings!
But first and foremost I need to get through the rents 50th anniversary party without falling into the chaos party and other traps waiting for me after going LC for the last 2 months.
Wish me luck!

You descriptions — fear cages, nagging voice — and wanting to understand your feelings are so familiar to me and, I'm betting, to others here. Even though going to this anniversary party must feel like jumping into the deep end, it might be a great bit of practice and source of clarity. Perhaps you can set things up so you have your own private lodging (haven) to retreat to when you feel overwhelmed? Get some one on one time with a trusted friend? Schedule a pampering activity just for you? Those things have helped me get through those super enmeshed tortuous family visits.

Good luck and welcome!You are not alone.

[Echo in the Dark]

No alcohol at this party!!    She'll be wrapped up in all the out of state family and friends and I've given myself permission to develop a sinus headache if need be. I've also requested no one tell her which hotel I am staying at. Hasn't stopped the body tremors and acid factory, but I am also going to be meeting my soon to be 1 year old niece for the first time  and I'm trying to look forward to that.

More backstory, I'm guessing a part of me has always known and is the reason I moved 700 miles away from my family almost 30 years ago. The hooks were in so deep, I'd drive myself and small son back to the "hive" every 3 months as demanded for the longest time. Stay 2 days, clean her house and turn around and drive back.  When my son was about 8, and we were visiting for Christmas, she pulled a temper tantrum at us (including my child) to clean the house - she had invited the entire family for Christmas Dinner. I lost it, and asked my brother to take us to his house for the night. I told her I was not her maid, I had my own house to clean and was tired of cleaning hers too (hoarders). Can we say huge hoover the next morning? She went to a country road therapist for a few months after that. The bipolar 1 diagnosis was not really made for another 6 years.
20 years later and my half sister and I found each other through a dna site. Exactly 2 months before this party. Cue the "new family" guilt trips and lets rewrite those stories I was told about my biological father for the 99th time, and start raging at me through email since I asked for time to sort through the attic full of resentment and rage that just fell out on me. I didn't even realize how much I had locked up and denied. I told her I didn't want to spew my anger on her - leave me alone and let me heal. Enjoy her party preparations. And we all know how well that goes....... She has invited my child hood friends (and NOT my brothers) to this party. It made me realize that all her old friends have nothing to do with her. She's also invited my first ex (neglect - not abusive) and his current wife.........
I'm the fixer, I'm the one who takes care of all her messes, comes in and organizers her "helpers" and gets everything running as it should. And this time, I'm not doing it AGAIN.  Worse, I cut my trip from a week to just the weekend and (as she suggested and then backtracked on) I am not staying at her house, I'm staying in a hotel!!
My son and I are flying out tomorrow and back on Sunday. I already feel that sinus headache coming on from the flight. 

[openskyblue]

She has invited my child hood friends (and NOT my brothers) to this party. It made me realize that all her old friends have nothing to do with her. She's also invited my first ex (neglect - not abusive) and his current wife.........
I'm the fixer, I'm the one who takes care of all her messes, comes in and organizers her "helpers" and gets everything running as it should. And this time, I'm not doing it AGAIN.  Worse, I cut my trip from a week to just the weekend and (as she suggested and then backtracked on) I am not staying at her house, I'm staying in a hotel!!
My son and I are flying out tomorrow and back on Sunday. I already feel that sinus headache coming on from the flight. 

Oh my, this sounds like it has all the makings of a disaster --- for you.  I'm so sorry. Your backstory fills in a complex, difficult story.

One question: Why go at all? Sounds like your mother is not going to appreciate what you do and "fix", you have to spend time with neglectful ex and new wife, your brothers aren't even invited, and you are going to quite a bit of expense to get there with your son. (And I'm guessing he would be fine skipping the trip.) Could it be that that sinus infection flares up before you get on the plane and you have to cancel?

Just akin...

[Echo in the Dark]

Openskyblue - Trust me I did think about it!  Not leaving my house for 4 days sounds like bliss.
But I haven't gone to meet my brothers child yet. This is his first and last, and I'd like to see her and visit with him. I've shared some of the information I have found with him and am hoping to heal the chasm between us.
The "headache" will come on prior to the event or possibly at it.
My son LOVES his uncle and is looking forward to baby time too - the rest not so much.
I won't be seeing the rents until the day of the party IF at all. My enDad will be turning 80 in a few days, and I would like to hug him one last time. He's done his best to shield and deflect, but coming from a N stepmother himself...... oh the way this flows through generations, (deep sigh).
It ends with THIS generation.