Fight for my right or let it go?

[M103s]

I am in the process of separating from my uPDH of 10 years. I left with no warning about 3 months ago and am still coming to terms with what I did and how I did it. I made a decision, but I don't feel like I had a choice and I feel really guilty about all of it even though I know it was the only way to make a clean break.
We are getting close to coming to an agreement about the kids (S age 3, D age 6). He is cooperating well because  there are lawyers involved and he wants te be seen as a perfect dad.
But when it comes to the house and the rest of our stuff, I am expecting trouble. I have more (family) money than he does and that bugs him big time. We used to fight about this when we were together and now he is using this as a reason to demand more than his fair share. It doesn't help that I am the one who made the decision to end it.This makes me the guilty party and gives him a clean slate. So basically, he is now the poor innocent victim af a shallow, fickle rich b*itch who threw him away when she was bored of him.
If the mean time I am burning through my savings while he wants to keep most of the furniture and is making offers that are far too low considering the value (e.g. he offered me 18% of what the family car is worth to buy my half). He feels this is a fair offer. When I explain that I am willing to take into account certain factors and ask for less than half the value, he gets mad and stops the conversation (if the kids weren't present, he probably would have been really mean).
Long story short: I really want to throw in the towel and move on with my life. For all I care he can have all the furniture. But I would like to recover my fair share of our house (I invested more than he did). I am afraid this will end in me losing on all fronts.
It would be nice to hear opinions and experiences of people who made it through: fight for all the smaller stuff or choose my battle and hope this means it can be over quickly so I can move on.
P.S. He doesn't want to involve the lawyers in the division of our property since this will cost him too much.

[Poison Ivy]

I have a few thoughts about this.
1) Do you have your own lawyer? If so, I doubt anything forbids you asking that lawyer about the property division, e.g., "What would a typical division of the assets be in our state?"
2) I was willling to not have an exact 50/50 division of assets in my divorce.  Ex-h and I didn't have anything professionally valued (e.g., the house or his pension); and for at least one item that had a clear value, I offered to take less than 50% after my ex complained about the item being split equally.  However, I would have fought harder if he hadn't been cooperative about other things. 
3) Part of the reason I was willing to not have an exact 50/50 division of assets was so that we could, for the most part, keep things already in our own names.  For example, he kept his pension and some investment funds, and I kept my retirement funds and some investment funds. I did this because my ex has difficulty with doing paper work and follow-through on certain matters, and I didn't want to have to rely on him to do these things before I saw my share of the assets.  Reducing the necessity for difficult communications and interactions was a good trade-off to me for not dividing the assets in a different way (that might have given me more $$, at least on paper). 
Edited to add:  My ex also tried to make me feel guilty about not dividing individual assets. (In my state, items that a person has received as a gift or an inheritance can be kept out of the property division.) I have an individual asset (a bank account) consisting of gifts from my parents. I didn't and still haven't spent this money. Basically, I'm saving it in case my  mom needs help herself financially some day. This was where I drew my line in the sand, legally and morally.  I felt especially strong about keeping this money because my ex freqently receives money from his dad, and they both have tried to hide these transactions.     

[openskyblue]

I'm sorry that you are going through this M103s. I have stood in your shoes in terms of trying to get to a financial settlement after having had to leave in secret and suddenly for my protection.

I found it very helpful to engage an attorney who was familiar with dealing with mentally ill and abusive spouses. For me, it was helpful to put all communications about the settlement between my lawyer and my exhusband's, because I knew that dealing with my ex directly would stir up all sorts of PD static and resentment that would get us nowhere.

Were you married over 10 years? That's an important benchmark in terms of division of assets. Also, you may be able to make some arguments about preserving wealth that you came into the marriage with. A lawyer can guide you about that stuff. 

Hang in there. There IS light at the end of the tunnel.

[M103s]

First of all, thanks for the reactions.    In a way, I'm happy that I'm going through this. At least now I am moving forward and not in circles. Still not sure if forward is the right direction, but the circles were driving me crazy, and this feels like a holiday. I'm so much more relaxed without having to worry about his reaction every single moment. 

We were together for 10 years and 'legal partners' for 6 years. I'm in Europe. In my country, gifts and inheritances remain individual. This means he basically has no right to the any of my family money and vice versa. So basically, that should be out of the equation, but he resents that I have more, so is trying to guilt me into giving in. If I don't I am condemning him to a life of poverty... I really wanted to save this money for the kids, but he is forcing me to spend it either on lawyers fees or on giving in to him to get it over with.

IIhave a lawyer and a therapist. Both are urging me not to give in. I would love to be able to leave it to the lawyers, but he doesn't want this. He doesn't want to spend too much money on his lawyer. (and also less opportunities for control). I should ask my lawyer if I can have him deal with her instead of me.

I am not opposed against a division that is not exactly 50/50, even though we earned about the same during the time we were together. He already profited from  my family money since we didn't have to borrow as much for buying our house, which means more disposable income. Still, I am willing to agree on a less than fair division, but I am afraid to start giving in without seeing the bigger picture. I am afraid I will just keep on giving in and end up losing too much. If I knew he was also willing to compromise, I would be less apprehensive, but he is always looking out for himself. I already lost too much during our relationship from constantly giving in to him just to be able to move forward. He is just so convinced that he is in the right and I am constantly doubting myself... 

I think it would be best if I waited with agreeing to compromises until I have a better view of the bigger picture. Right now I am just getting the feeling he is trying to squeeze me for everything he can get...

Anyway, thanks for all the input. It really helps to get a reality check even when the truth is not pretty.

[openskyblue]

All I can say is that is that it's important to put yourself and your kids first. It's hard to imagine this now, because you are swept up in PD drama, but there will come a tome when he his a minimal part of your life. That's the straight line where you're headed, and it's wise to only focus on that.

What I learned from my divorce from my sociopathic ex husband (diagnosed) is that there was no benefit in giving him more, acting in good faith. Like your stbx, benefitted greatly from an inheritance I had and other advantages. He resented my insisting on communications going through lawyers, mostly so he couldn't keep me in circular arguments forever, so he could stay in our house all that while.

[cant turn back]

If you give an inch he will take a mile.  There is no give and take, no operating in good faith from the PD.  As you said you are the one who threw him away, he thinks you 'owe him'.  You should consider having your attorney negotiate the financials, start from 50/50 and decide with your attorney where to bend if you are inclined.  Your Ex won't manipulate your attorney with guilt trips or circular arguments.  If you give in at the start you are very likely to continue giving in and he will continue pushing because no matter what you give it will never be enough to appease him.

[openskyblue]

Long story short: I really want to throw in the towel and move on with my life. For all I care he can have all the furniture. But I would like to recover my fair share of our house (I invested more than he did). I am afraid this will end in me losing on all fronts.

In my experience, it wasn't worth it to fight over furniture, car, etc. The house was our greatest (and only) significant asset, so that was worth fighting for an equitable split on that and joint retirement accounts (amassed during the marriage).

You have very young kids, and it sounds like you will be the main financial (and custody time) support for them. It's likely you will be paying the majority of their school fees, medical expenses, activity fees, and college tuition. I'd recommend you keep that in mind as you go forward. Those are big expenses. Don't give up financial security now out of misplaced guilt. You will need every penny.

[sevenyears]

Good luck with this. Have everything go through your attorney. More expensive in the short run, but s/he has should have experience in equitable division of assets. Moreover, s/he can't be guilt tripped into giving in and is better placed to see the big picture.