Husband mentioned to me that it would be easier in a way if I was dead.

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Littleblondie1983

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Long story short I left my undiagnosed probable BPD husband 6 weeks ago. He was lovely, kind and gentle 95% of the time but the other 5% approximately he had been emotionally abusive. Plus starting to get physical, punching walls, doors, said f*ck you to me a few times.

Since I left him he said he has a massive wake up call and is now in therapy, taking meds, takking openly about everything etc... He has been mostly very nice to me and positive. A few times tho Iíve seen a different side of him. We were talking face to face the other day, he was been crying, saying that he didnít blame me for leaving him, that I deeserved more etc... then he told me how much he was struggling to accept our marriage is over. He says to me ĎIn a way it would be easier if you were deadí. Then he quickly said ĎNot that I want that, it would be horrendous but I would be able to grieve.í

I chose to not really react to this but I did freak me out a bit. How could he say that? Iím really sure he wouldnít ever hurt me but why was he even thinking about me being dead?

We have still been on good terms mostly. We share a dog and he had been doing work on my house that I need doing so he still has a key. The plan would be to minimise contact eventually but i find it difficult at present as I donít want to hurt him anymore than I already have.

I havenít told anyone what he says yet. I have a therapist, maybe I should mention it to her? Or my family? Or his family? Any ideas? 

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sad_dog_mommy

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Hello!  You are not alone.  You will find a lot of people who post here in different stages of a break-up with a person who has a personality disorder.

In my case, I kept his 'secrets' and I never told my family about the bad/mean side of his personality.  I became isolated and distant from my friends and family.  When I started to put a plan together to break-up with him I finally told them the reality of my relationship.  All the awful things I was subjected to.  Not for pity but so that I would be too embarrassed to go back to him now that everyone knew the truth.   

I use to think that because he didn't hit me that I wasn't in an abusive relationship but I was.  Verbal abuse hurts just as much as a slap.  Financial abuse?  That has long term repercussions when you are my age and hope to retire before you are 100.  Emotional abuse is hard to get past because my exbf had slowly and systematically conditioned me to believe I was LUCKY to have him as a boyfriend.  He would tell me know one would treat me they way he did. 

So, my advice is to reach out to your closest friends and family and tell them what has been going on.  My 2nd suggestion is to read as many posts on this forum.  You will probably find stories and situations that sound familiar. 

You are brave to end a relationship that isn't working for you.  Keep the focus on what is best for YOU and everything will be OK. 

p.s.  Get your house key back.
Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which rebuilt my life.  JK Rowling

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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Poison Ivy

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Does this seem to you like a threat or like TMI? By threat, I mean the following: Do you think your husband wishes you were dead? By TMI, I mean the following: Do you think your husband might be thinking, "It would be easier for me to deal with the end of our marriage if the marriage had ended in a different way." Whichever it seems to be, I think you should tell someone, preferably your therapist.
« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 07:52:31 PM by Poison Ivy »

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Associate of Daniel

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My uNPD exH once wrote in an email that he had been wishing for a long time that I would die of natural causes.

It frightened me.  And I still don't know what to make of that comment years after he said it.

When he first left I was very concerned he was going to harm himself. I asked him one day if he had any thoughts to do so. His answer?

"Only when I'm with you."

He throws out such comments to hurt me.  I don't know if he really does want me dead (probably) or if he wants to kill himself (probably not).

I think he just is very nasty and those types of comments are a way for him to feel better about himself. He doesn't care that I might be hurt or scared by them.

I did tell his boss about the wanting me dead comment and he was flippant about it. That's when I knew he'd drunk the cool aid. I've never spoken to him since.

So, I guess choose carefully who you tell.  Certainly tell your therapist and solicitor. Any anyone else who may be in some sort of authority regarding your relationship with your ex.
But perhaps don't tell everyone.

AOD

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Goldielocks

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I agree with sad_dog_mommy. You need to get your key back. That was a very worrying thing for him to say. Couple that with his anger and door bashing and itís yourself you need to talk to about this - urgently.

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Liftedfog

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Pds are unstable, some more than others.    Either way they are disordered. For this alone, I agree with the others to get your key back.  Don't give him time to make a copy. Just ask for it back next time you see him. 

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Bloomie

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Littleblondie1983 - A very wise person on the forum says that someone can treat you great 90% of the time and terribly 10% of the time and you feel badly 100% of the time. I imagine that may ring true for you.

Domestic Violence (DV) experts and the law enforcement communities all agree that the time a person is most at risk from an abusive partner is the time surrounding them leaving. I strongly encourage you to talk with DV counselors in your local area and get expert guidance as you end this relationship and to contact law enforcement and emergency services if you are at all at risk. Please be careful and keep yourself safe.

Some important resources:

https://outofthefog.website/emergency/

https://www.thehotline.org

https://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/

Let your therapist, friends, family know what your stbex said to you. Consult with your therapist and DV counselors how best to extricate yourself from the contact you currently have. Cover your tracks as you share here and guard your anonymity and privacy very carefully for your safety.

Thinking of you and hope to hear update that you are safe and sound and surrounded by a team of loved ones and experts to get you through this time. :hug:
Bloomie 🌸

The reality is that you cannot have an emotionally mature reciprocal mutual adult relationship with someone who is not emotionally and psychologically an adult.

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Littleblondie1983

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Thanks everyone for your replies.

To answer your question poison ivy it seemed much more like a TMI than a threat. More like you said, that if things had ended differently it would be easier (in a way) for him to accept. Not that he wouldnít be absolutely devastated if I died, I know he would! He didnít say it in anger, he was really calm and had been crying and saying all the right things until that point.

I feel so guilt at the thought of even asking for the key back but thatís crazy isnít it? After what he said.

 

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Hikercymru

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Just change the locks. Then you have complete peace of mind. He could make a copy of the key. It is for the best and avoids conflict and risk.

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openskyblue

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I feel so guilt at the thought of even asking for the key back but thatís crazy isnít it? After what he said.

When you are enmeshed with a PD, it can be hard to see the reality of the situation before you, even when it is dangerous. I hope you can take in what people here are saying and take precautions to protect yourself. IMHO, you need to do everything you can to secure your home (changing locks) and limit contact with your partner. Expressing a wish that a longtime partner would be better dead than separated is a red flag that shouldn't be ignored.

I was married to someone who was needy, always begging for/demanding my care, charming, reckless -- and a sociopath. He erupted with anger and would smash things, throw things, race up to me in a fury and stand inches from my face glaring, etc. He never struck me, but I got pushed and physically intimidated plenty. For a long time, I told myself he would never harm me physically. Then, in front of our daughter, he shoved me off a stool in kitchen one morning, because he didn't like that I couldn't help him with a computer problem. The look on her face said it all. She was horrified and afraid -- the feeling I should have been having about his behavior for years. It was a big wake up call that helped me leave.

The reason I bring this up is that because sometimes when we are deep in the FOG, it's hard to see the abuse and danger we have around us. It's really okay to step back, protect yourself, and also let others close to you know what you are dealing with . Sometimes seeing other witness the truth of our lives is the best way to start finding our way out of the damaging path we find ourselves on.
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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coyote

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Re: Husband mentioned to me that it would be easier in a way if I was dead.
« Reply #10 on: April 16, 2019, 12:28:20 PM »
"I feel so guilt at the thought of even asking for the key back but thatís crazy isnít it? After what he said."

Have to say I picked up on the same thing OSB did. You are still in the Guilt part of the FOG. The statement he made is so inappropriate it is unreal. Often people tell you just what they are made of if we listen. I feel there has been a lot more physical violence, either toward you or property, than you are sharing here. That is all OK. You only have to share here what you want.

All I am saying is that there is the potential here for more violence and danger than you are possibly willing to admit.

 You are also continuing to take responsibility for his feelings as in when you say, " but i find it difficult at present as I donít want to hurt him anymore than I already have." No one can be hurt unless they allow themselves to be hurt. That is his choice and has nothing to so with your actions. 

I hope you take my comments in the vein they are meant; out of concern for your safety. Believe me we have all been entrenched in FOG and taken way too much responsibility for our partners', parents,' relatives', friends', whoevers', feelings and behaviors. It is a journey exiting from FOG. One on which we can all use support and feedback.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

ďThe only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.Ē  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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MyHappyFuture

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Re: Husband mentioned to me that it would be easier in a way if I was dead.
« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2019, 03:03:17 PM »
Hello, LittleBlondie1983,

I just saw your post there and had to respond as my STBX NPD (with BPD traits) husband said exactly the same thing to me a few years back. If you read any of my previous posts you will get a bit more information about my past situation.

During my marriage the PD in him worsened over the years until it got quite out-of-hand. There were the OK times (never good, just OK) but these got less and less. I could tell you some crazy stories but I will stick to the one about him wishing me dead....

One day whilst walking the dog I found him to be receptive to talking about his feelings and emotions, which was very rare so I used this opportunity to ask him to tell me what he was feeling. I told him very gently that he was being difficult to live with, that it was torture for me and that the kids found it very upsetting to see the way he was treating me (he agreed he was difficult and nodded a lot although never apologised, as he has never been able to manage an apology). I would never have broached this sensitive subject with him at any other time as he would rage at me and then give me days of the silent treatment but in this state he was like a confused and overwhelmed young boy and whilst I never liked what I heard at these times  :'( I at least could see into his disordered world and his reality.

He said then that his life would be easier if I died. Calmly, I said, 'Why do you think that?' but he said he didn't understand why but he knows it would be better. I said, 'You know that doesn't sound good?' and he responded by saying I know but that's how I feel. I didn't question this anymore as I knew if I pushed him whilst in the vulnerable state that it would quickly turn to his default setting of rage. We carried on walking and he continued to share his other thoughts.

I wasn't aghast by any means. My marriage had been one long, agonising roller coaster anyway and nothing would have surprised me about him. However, that day was the beginning of the end for me. He had never showed any interest in me romantically and had always seemed disinterested in my health, wellbeing or whether I was safe if I was out late or after a long journey - that kind of thing. He just never had my back - it was always, always about him. He was an abstract member of the family and he just wanted to be on his own most of the time, unless he was drunk. It was all very bizarre but I knew then that if he loved me, even a little bit - the mother of his lovely children - then he could never want me dead. It was intensely sad to realise that but I wasn't surprised and that day I remember thinking that I need to get out as soon as I can. I didn't fear for my life then and nor do I now. I did for the first few months after we split a little as he started to unravel and was acting unhinged whilst still living in the family home but when he left any worry went.

I have been separated for 18 months now and I have to be honest and say that the journey post separation has been beyond traumatic. I have intense therapy and have attended group for domestic abuse survivors, all of which have been very helpful but I have a long way to go. I've never doubted that it has been the right thing to do and only stepping away from the dysfunction did I realise how truly awful it really was. In fact I doubt people would believe what I put up with - I hardly believe it myself.

I don't know if your husband did mean that comment the same way my husband did with me but I believe living with a disordered person who is feeding off your soul is dangerous to your mental and physical health. If I stayed any longer than I did I absolutely know that he would be the death of me and I'm not being dramatic, it's true.

I wish you strength moving forward. Lots of love. xxx



« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 03:08:23 PM by MyHappyFuture »

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Husband mentioned to me that it would be easier in a way if I was dead.
« Reply #12 on: April 16, 2019, 03:23:11 PM »
MyHappyFuture, your post reminded me of a TMI conversation with my then-husband.  He has been the full-time, live-in caregiver for his very old, very sick parents for several years.  It's a terrible situation in many ways.  A few years ago, I persuaded H to take a few days off the 24/7 job so that we could visit one of our children out of state.  While we were on the plane, we chatted and I thought he seemed to be in a mood to really be able to talk and to listen.  I said something like, "Please let me know if I can help out with your situation with your parents." (I've said this many times.) He responded with something like the following:  "Yeah, you could help me by killing them."  He was kidding, but he also wasn't kidding.  This was one of those times when I really wanted him to see a therapist again!

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MyHappyFuture

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Re: Husband mentioned to me that it would be easier in a way if I was dead.
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2019, 07:52:21 AM »
Poison Ivy, thatís all too similar. I expect he was caring for his parents out of duty rather than genuine love. Itís all terribly sad that they canít love and we have hearts full of it. I never would have believed people couldnít love until the last few years since I came Out of the FOG. I assumed we all could.

Lots of love x

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Husband mentioned to me that it would be easier in a way if I was dead.
« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2019, 12:34:20 PM »
My uNMIL has also made several  comments about how it would be so much easier when her sickly mother goes... how her mother still being alive has put so many plans on hold, said with obvious resentment. She has no concept of how horrible that is.

I think all of these examples illustrate how other people are not people to the disordered, but objects that are either convenient or inconvenient. Itís all about the PD. Even other peopleís existence ought to be by their approval.

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Littleblondie1983

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Re: Husband mentioned to me that it would be easier in a way if I was dead.
« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2019, 04:58:09 PM »
It was really weird the way he says it. He didnít seem to say it in an anger, he was very calm and sad. He said he would be devastated if I died and he seemed to cringe at the thought of it. I guess he was implying that he could understand why we couldnít be together if it was because I was no longer here but he canít  understand how I could walk away from him after I promised to spend the rest of my life with him.

I really donít think it was a threat. However he has nearly hit me once before in anger (thatís once in 6 years). He did punch doors etc though on about 6 occasions.
I will ask for the key back.

Iím still not sure who to mention this to. I will tell my therapist. Iím not sure if I should tell my mum. She is the closest person to me and should really know even if there is a slight chance I am in any danger. I know that if I tell her she will hate my husband and try to make sure I donít see him. Then Iím worried my mum might tell my husband that she knows what he said. I donít actually want him to think that I think he threatened me, as I actually donít. 

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openskyblue

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Re: Husband mentioned to me that it would be easier in a way if I was dead.
« Reply #16 on: April 17, 2019, 08:27:44 PM »
If a friend came to you and told you this story, how would you feel? Would you be concerned for her? Would you warn her to be careful? Would you be checking on her later to see if she was okay? Would you trust that her partner would not hurt her?

In my experience, threats said calmly can be just as dangerous as threats said in a rage. If you are afraid making a boundary (changing locks) or getting help (talking to your mother about the situation, you are being controlled by fear. I hope you can pay attention to that fear ó because that kind of fear in your gut is a valuable warning system.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2019, 08:29:58 PM by openskyblue »
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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coyote

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Re: Husband mentioned to me that it would be easier in a way if I was dead.
« Reply #17 on: April 18, 2019, 10:50:03 AM »
We are taught and socialized to ignore our intuition. We are told "don't be rude" or "don't be paranoid." So when we get into an elevator with someone we are uncomfortable with but we get in anyway. We are the only animal that will get into a steel cage with no egress with a possible predator. But our intuition usually is founded on some subconscious cues we are picking up. 

There is a true story of a lady entering her apartment and a man insisting on helping her carry groceries to her door. Although she did not feel comfortable she let him anyway. The result was horrific for the lady. She later realized she was uncomfortable because it was a locked entry and she had not heard the entry being opened after she entered. He was already there stalking and waiting for her.

So just because we are prepared does not mean we are paranoid. IMO we need to trust our instincts and intuition. I would rather risk being rude and offending someone and being sure that I and my family are safe.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

ďThe only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.Ē  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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Bloomie

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Re: Husband mentioned to me that it would be easier in a way if I was dead.
« Reply #18 on: April 18, 2019, 12:18:27 PM »
Littleblondie1983 - run this by a professional and see what they advise. That keeps your mom out of it and allows you to freely and anonymously get some expert input. Free, easy, and confidential to chat live with a counselor today:

https://www.thehotline.org
Bloomie 🌸

The reality is that you cannot have an emotionally mature reciprocal mutual adult relationship with someone who is not emotionally and psychologically an adult.

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Shell-shocked

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Re: Husband mentioned to me that it would be easier in a way if I was dead.
« Reply #19 on: April 18, 2019, 03:03:25 PM »
Have your locks changed!  If he asks  why tell him you " misplaced them" you don't have to add it's because you don't feel safe. Adding a chain lock on the inside is good for peace of mind when you are home alone. If he wants to see the dog you can meet him at the door with the dog on a leash for him.
   When people show you who they are listen..My Ex once said he wasn't going to prison over me. No one verbalizes a thought unless it's already in their mind..even subconsciously. The most dangerous time is when you are leaving a PD because they feel like they are losing control and they do stupid stuff.