Intense Feelings of Guilt

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jakeysnakey82

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Intense Feelings of Guilt
« on: April 15, 2019, 07:23:54 PM »
Hi all -

So I'm not certain that this is the right place for this post, but here goes.

My mom isn't an alcoholic, but she was emotionally abusive in many ways. After my parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm now 35), I was always blamed for every problem that happened in the home. Every problem was my fault, from the kitchen cupboard breaking, to my mom being stressed out...she'd do things like take away my car keys when I literally just needed to go to work or school the next day. Reading my diaries (I was a confused little 15 year old, I'll grant you) and then getting angry for me at what i was experiencing...I was suffering from an eating disorder and I'm pretty certain she knew, and didn't know (or try) to help me...instead she would get mad at me. I remember her saying she was going to turn off the hot water so I couldn't shower before I went to work after going for a run (cause she had taken my car keys away so i couldn't go to the gym, or work)...I wasn't a TERRIBLE kid, but I can absolutely say that I wanted to escape myself for as long as I can remember. Just wanting *something* to escape the way that I felt. Sometimes I still feel that way.

I've been very successful in life, and my life *looks* impressive. I've been in and out of therapy for years, I'm currently taking antidepressants, cause I have this overarching sense of dread and doom and GUILT that I just can't seem to get over.

My parents don't talk at all, and if I even mention my dad, my mom wll get all weird but say that she isn't being weird. Really what she's doing is quietly harboring resentment against me, until it all blows up. I feel like I wait for it to happen. This has resulted in me walking on eggshells around her, not mentioning my dad, or only mentioning how I dislike him or hate visiting him (which isn't true). However, my relationship with my father is pretty stunted, since I missed so many years with him. He's a good man, and couldn't put up with my mom's bull. I understand why he had to leave - he is so much happier and healthier now.

I currently live in Chicago, and my mom, dad and sister live elsewhere. When my mom gets weird about my dad, which she always does, it makes being home very miserable. I feel like I don't have *solid ground*. I don't have a safe refuge of a family. My mom is always mad at either me or my sister, and always my dad. I feel like a piece of my heart is broken or missing, and it feels this way ALL THE TIME.

This is very seriously affecting my life and relationships. I think that on some level, I feel undeserving of being happy, or that happiness doesn't exist for me, or that I can't have what I truly want. I've got myself stuck in this loop where I don't want to move back home to please my mom and it end up being miserable (which, is possible). I have a hard time seriously pursuing dating here, because I'm scared that I will feel forever guilty if I build a life in Chicago. My mom says she doesn't care, but she has cut people out of her life forever, and I'm really scared that if I make a wrong move, she could do that to me. Right now she *likes* me, and is *mad at* my sister, but I feel like if I made the wrong move I'd be dead to her. This is a stressful way to live.

I find myself playing this out in all my relationships. I can't speak my mind. I am so afraid of people being *mad at* me. I often feel like I'm a "bad person".

You see, my mom is not an alcoholic, but she behaves like a dry drunk.

How do I go about creating a life for myself that FEELS good? It's becoming exceedingly hard to just EXIST like I do, seeking for solid ground and being unable to find it literally anywhere.  I'd love to know what anyone here did to recover and create a life that they feel good with. 

I thought maybe someone here would understand.
xo
« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 07:48:56 PM by moglow »

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moglow

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Re: Intense Feelings of Guilt
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2019, 08:22:55 PM »
Hi Jakey, and welcome to OotF! FOG is an acronym for fear obligation and guilt and was very much intentional in creation of this site. So many (most? all?) of us have experienced varying levels and combinations of FOG, and it's a challenge to let them go and learn to live our lives on our own terms.

For me, the assumption that I was somehow responsible for mother's feelings, the sense of obligation and guilt were HUGE. I truly believed that her rages and meltdowns were my fault - never mind that *I* wasn't even allowed to occasionally have a bad day or feel let down. I was allowed only what she granted, and if it in any way overshadowed her, she'd cut it/me off. I resorted to trying my damnedest to be invisible. Well, you can imagine that in her desperate search to blame someone/anyone for her stuff, that didn't last long either. I was truly doomed if I did, doomed if I didn't.

Once I found out about and started learning more about personality disorders it made so much sense! I didn't and still don't excuse her, but I have learned more about how to separate myself from her, being an individual instead of some sad extension of a deeply unhappy person. With that, I've also had to learn that I'm also not responsible for her misery OR happiness, that those are choices as much as anything else in this life. I'm reminded of the old saying that one can either let circumstances make them bitter or better - and I look at mother's choices.

For decades I listened to what she said and how she said it. I watched how she responded to people, or not. One thing that struck me over and over were all the vile or deeply personal things she used to tell me about other people. All the times she'd say "I need to tell you this but don't tell X I told you ..." Sheer gossip and innuendo, reveling in other people's pain and misery - betrayal, really - and I finally realized she was most likely doing the same behind MY back. HUGE turning point for me! Being her "friend" just meant I wasnt her target for that moment in time, but I knew it wouldn't last. It never did.

I'm telling you all this to hopefully help you step outside that box you may be in, that box she may have built for you that simply no longer fits who you are. If you don't move "home" and she's unhappy about it, what happens? She's still unhappy and it's still her choice. You can continue building your own life, wonder of wonders! She can't stop you, really.

Just think about it. Open that door and step outside for a blast of fresh air - what's really the worst thing that could happen if you decide to think of yourself and your needs first?
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

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jakeysnakey82

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Re: Intense Feelings of Guilt
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2019, 11:05:27 PM »
thank you thank you THANK YOU for this reply.  Funny how I can be in so much denial that I didn't even realize that the G in FOG stood for Guilt!

Well, the worst thing that could happen is that she alienates me, and I have no mom.  That is my biggest fear.  I feel sick thinking about it.

I know my mom, I know she wants to feel like I need her.  If I branched out and truly focused on what *I* wanted, I'm really really really scared that I'd lose any semblance of a good relationship with her.  She cuts people out of her life, friends, family members, and just never talks to them again.  I'm most definitely afraid of that happening to me.

Growing up i was the scapegoat, my sister was the GC...the feelings of being the "bad child left out" kind of haunt me.

How did you move beyond this, specifically?  I've been trying for years and it is literally ruining my life.

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moglow

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Re: Intense Feelings of Guilt
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2019, 12:15:49 AM »
Specifically ... I can only share mine as it's different for everyone, but here goes. I had to take a hard look at my and mother's actual relationship, apart from hers with my brothers or anyone else.  It's hard because I'd played along to get along for as far back as I can remember, always trying to second guess and be prepared for the inevitable. Stepping back - WAY back - from mother was necessary for me, so I could see it for what it truly was. I dug into some serious counseling and was reminded repeatedly that I was not and am not responsible for her happiness.  That's ALL on her, not me and not anyone else. We really are only as happy as we allow ourselves to be, after all, right?

Thing is, when I stepped back and pulled away to try and regain/find my sanity, other than a few token attempts she never really reached out. Still hasn't, to be honest, we just play nice when we have to but it's all superficial. I found out that I don't matter to my mother. On the surface and where others see her/us, yes. But on a day to day actually having a relationship with the woman? Nope. It's a vast sad emptiness. I had tried everything for as far back as I can remember, and at the end of the day I still had nothing.

Mine also can and will cut people off - of course she then plays the martyr and victim, that person did her wrong and took things the wrong way and she doesn't know why they don't talk to her yada yada.  Personally I think it's that queen mentality that no one would DARE speak/act/treat her the way she does them, so entitled and above all, but she plays that card for all it's worth.

Context:  Years ago [ten, according to a good friend who was on the periphery of a her last over the top Christmas performance] mother was invited to my brother's for Christmas dinner.  Last minute, literally as we were putting dinner on the table, she called to say she couldn't make it.  Fabricated this whole scenario designed to make herself appear the victim of circumstance. As usual, she'd twisted things around in her mind where he was somehow to blame for her cancelling last minute. Okay. We continue on and silence ensues. A month later she called and left a voicenasty on my brother's cell, and I mean a truly.nasty.snarl. I overheard it when he was playing it back, made me sick at my stomach to hear her tone of voice, all manner of accusations - and he'd not even talked to her in a month.

My brother called her back once he'd composed himself, basically told her he's an ADULT and NO ONE is allowed to talk to him that way anymore, she could either show some common decency and respect or they wouldn't be talking at all. It didn't end well - he called me after they got off the phone and told me when she called don't answer the phone. Said didn't need or deserve to hear what she had to say or the way she'd say it. He was right - within the hour she called repeatedly, leaving increasingly nasty messages about my brother, me, and anyone who had anything to do with either of us. He's stuck to it. There were a few holidays I know he texted her, but I'm pretty sure that stopped after her most recent round of shenanigans.

She's less than two hours away, hasn't seen or spoken to her son in ten years other than a few brief words at a family funeral here and there. I work for/with this brother, so I'm tarred with the same brush. She tried to divide and conquer with all manner of snotty comments and sniping. There again, I live less than two hours from her - she's not once in over 13 years seen where I live. She doesn't and hasn't asked even for the address or a picture, nothing other than my mailing address where she'll send a birthday card.

It's not all one sided - As of today, it's over a year since I last saw her and I honestly have no plans to visit any time in the foreseeable future. It used to really get to me, the distance, the lack of caring from her. But at the end of the day it's still all about mother, her wants and needs and feelings. No one else really matters and never has. THAT's where all of this brought me - that very harsh realization that on too many levels, I really don't matter to my own mother. I don't wish her ill or pain or any kind of misery as I'm pretty sure she has more than enough of all the above and that's why she treats others the way she does.  But neither do I want anything from her anymore.  She doesn't have it to give and I got tired of trying to draw from a dry well. I live my life and she's the woman who raised me for 17 years. My strongest emotion for her at this point is sheer pity, that she has so little relationship with her own children - and she doesn't seem to have it in her to care.
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

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JayBird

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Re: Intense Feelings of Guilt
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2019, 04:26:07 PM »
Jakey- I can relate to your post.  I have two uPD’s in my life who have caused long lasting pain and difficulty for me.

I had a wake up call when I realized I was experiencing absolute dread each and every time I had to be in contact with these PD’s (my sister is likely uBPD and my mother-in law is most definitely a NPD). I too experienced walking on eggshells so as not to trigger nor become target of rage and anger. Obligation and guilt where the only driving forces that pushed me to be in company of these PD’s.  Not friendship, not helpfulness, not companionship. Just guilt and obligation to maintain an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship where I would make myself small in their presence, minimalize myself due to fear of having PD reign down on me with rage and contempt.

I told myself that I would have NOTHING to do with these people if they were not family. I don’t know why I gave these two PD’s a “hall pass” to not be accountable for their damaging behavior. I certainly do not give out “hall passes” to non-family members.  But, with therapy, I have begun to learn the importance of boundary setting. And it is starting to get a lot better.

Another dimension of my healing process has been that of grieving the loss of these relationships, letting go of the fantasy that my relationship with these PDs will get better, and accepting the loss. Next step= moving forward with healthy relationships that are balanced and mutually kind.

Its not easy, Jakey, hang in there.

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Intense Feelings of Guilt
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2019, 04:32:38 PM »
Hi jakeysnakey82,

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Well, the worst thing that could happen is that she alienates me, and I have no mom.  That is my biggest fear.  I feel sick thinking about it.

I know my mom, I know she wants to feel like I need her.  If I branched out and truly focused on what *I* wanted, I'm really really really scared that I'd lose any semblance of a good relationship with her.  She cuts people out of her life, friends, family members, and just never talks to them again.  I'm most definitely afraid of that happening to me.

Growing up i was the scapegoat, my sister was the GC...the feelings of being the "bad child left out" kind of haunt me.

How did you move beyond this, specifically?  I've been trying for years and it is literally ruining my life.

It sounds to me like you fear abandonment, which I think is totally expected considering your situation and all that you've been through. My best advice is to get some more therapy regarding that issue. I think that as long as you let that fear of abandonment rule you then you are kind of letting others rule your life and you are going to be pretty miserable. I read a quote recently that said something like "people pleasing hides who you really are." I am a people pleaser myself so it really made me think about ways that I've morphed myself into what others wanted by doing what they wanted me to do, not standing up for myself or my beliefs, no being authentic because I was afraid of being judged, etc. etc. When I changed myself for other people, I found that it was still never enough for them. They always wanted more - more control over my life, me to do more for them, etc. I can't make those people happy even when I run myself into the ground trying, not to mention this was all at the detriment to myself. In a way, my world came crashing down at one time but I got to rebuild my life based on my choices and what I wanted and that has been a beautiful thing that has brought ME a lot more happiness. The more confident I feel inside, the less I feel like I need others. This was a long process, however. It doesn't happen over night.

You have to do what is right for you and you need the freedom to be yourself but that is impossible if you let fear of abandonment rule your decisions. IMO, the only way to survive a PD parent is not to need them, to be okay with them walking away. This way, you can set boundaries and get what YOU need and if your parent can't accept that than the parent doesn't get to be in your life. Yes, it will be sad to lose your mom but has she really been there for you through your life? Mine has not been there through hard times, she's only caused me more stress. I do not need her. If she does not respect my decisions and treat me decently than she does not need to be in my life. I have all the power in the relationship, which has helped me SO much.

We all make mistakes and that is okay. You are not a bad person. I was also brought up to believe I was a bad person but you know what? Most people don't have that opinion of me! I know in my heart I do make mistakes but I try to be a good person and do that right thing and that counts for something. Our parents want us to believe we are bad & wrong so that they can control us. Just because someone has a certain opinion of you does not make it true. You are the only one who can decide what kind of person you want to be.

Keep working and soon you will find that you are the solid ground that you need.

Good luck & take care.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Intense Feelings of Guilt
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2019, 02:17:44 AM »
Hi Jakey,  :)

I also had the same fear that unBPD Didi would cut me off, as she had many others in her life (if they didn't ghost her, first) for the crimes of having boundaries, using Medium Chill, and putting my DH, FOC and myself *first*.

She didn't - she just ratcheted up her nastiness, negativity and toxicity to levels that made me not want to contact her, for any reason, and I began *hoping* she'd ghost me!   :evil2:

Sometimes it doesn't take much at all to go from one extreme to the other, once you start putting order to your life and implementing the same boundaries normal families have.

Didi used to expect me to call her daily, and listen to her complain for at least two hours, while she exhibited *no* interest in me, my life, or FOC.  I decided that was *far* too much, and decided to slowly cut back to once a week, which she *hated* - and used to say things like she thought I ran away from home or was dead in a ditch somewhere.   :roll:

I'd tell her she was being silly, I'd just been busy, that's all - so she'd launch into all her health  problems, which I'd put back on her side of the table with, "That's a shame.  Did you call your doctor?"  :ninja:

BANG would go the phone in my ear, and I really didn't *care* - it wasn't my intent to make her angry, but if she was, that wasn't my fault.  Didi's health problems were hers to deal with, and there was really nothing I could do about them, even though she was convinced I had some sort of Magical Cure-All hidden away in our house, and I just wouldn't give it to her out of spite!   :wacko:

As you start using more boundaries, non-confrontational language (Medium Chill), and making yourself dull and uninteresting (Grey Rock), I think the same thing will happen with your mother - she won't ghost you, but may become *extremely* nasty, and become a person you really don't like dealing with.

I think, at worst, she'll give you the Silent Treatment, for however long *she* thinks your punishment should be.  :roll:

For Didi, it was always two weeks - I'd ignore that ST, call on *my* schedule and act like everything was lovely.  I knew I had nothing to apologize for, so I didn't.   8-)

Why do I think she won't ghost you?

You're the scapegoat, and that probably entails being her Old Age Golden Parachute Plan, where you move her into yours and wait on her like a slave, or you move into hers, and she treats you like a slave.   :aaauuugh:

It seems to be the "thing" for us scapegoats.  In my time on this forum, I've seen it happen to Golden Children, but far more often, it's us scapegoats that our disordered parents expect to care for them.

Didi's increasing toxicity made me lower contact to one call, every two weeks (eventually) and I would *not* visit, even though she lived 3 miles away, so she  started having "health scares" and winding up in the hospital for nothing, with increasing frequency, thinking THAT would make me come running.   :roll:

It didn't.  It only made me lower contact even more, because once you flip that "abandonment" switch to, "Ghost me, please!" you can't flip it back.  :yes:

You've seen and heard too much, and you're angry, as well as disgusted that a grown woman stoop to such pathetic levels for attention.

If I were you - and I once was - I'd put the fear of abandonment on the back burner, and focus on YOU.  :)

What *boundaries* do you want to implement?  What do you feel is reasonable?  How can you bring that about?

YOU get to decide - and then just DO.  :yes:

How your mom wants to react is up to her, but you are *not* responsible for it or any subsequent Silent Treatments. 

That switch I mentioned can flip  during a Silent Treatment, too.  You may go over the call in your mind and realize, "I didn't do or say anything wrong.  I have nothing to apologize for.  If she wants to get her nose out of joint over nothing, she's going to be a very lonely and miserable person, and there's nothing I can do about it."

Do you.  Everything will fall into place and the world won't end if she decides to give you the ST.

You may even come to enjoy the silence, instead of fearing it and wondering WTF she's plotting now.  You start to see how one-sided the relationship really is, and how she takes and takes, but gives nothing back.  You're the one doing all the giving, and she's constantly demanding MORE, in search of that unknowable, intangible *something* that will make her happy for more than 5 minutes, until she finds fault with it and demands you fetch her another unknowable, intangible something.   :blink:

Journaling also helps, when you're trying to make sense of things.  I find that once I get it out of my head and onto a page in Word, I feel a lot better, because I'm not carrying it around inside me, like a stone.

Didi's ultimate goal was to get herself installed in a hospital bed in our living room, while she slowly drove me out of my mind.  Instead, she died in Hospice, alone, because she'd cried cancer SO many times that when the real diagnosis came in, I didn't believe her.

The "mother" I once feared would abandon me finally had - and I was *relieved.*  I haven't shed a single tear, and it's been over 5 years.

You just never know what's going to flip that switch in your head until you try to detach, un-enmesh yourself, and make a go of it without her knowing every detail of your life.

The journey may be long and hard, or it may be short but arduous - but it starts with a single step, and I promise you, it's *worth* it because YOU are worth it!   :sunny:

 :hug:

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jakeysnakey82

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Re: Intense Feelings of Guilt
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2019, 05:10:36 PM »
Hi jakeysnakey82,

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Well, the worst thing that could happen is that she alienates me, and I have no mom.  That is my biggest fear.  I feel sick thinking about it.

I know my mom, I know she wants to feel like I need her.  If I branched out and truly focused on what *I* wanted, I'm really really really scared that I'd lose any semblance of a good relationship with her.  She cuts people out of her life, friends, family members, and just never talks to them again.  I'm most definitely afraid of that happening to me.

Growing up i was the scapegoat, my sister was the GC...the feelings of being the "bad child left out" kind of haunt me.

How did you move beyond this, specifically?  I've been trying for years and it is literally ruining my life.

It sounds to me like you fear abandonment, which I think is totally expected considering your situation and all that you've been through. My best advice is to get some more therapy regarding that issue. I think that as long as you let that fear of abandonment rule you then you are kind of letting others rule your life and you are going to be pretty miserable. I read a quote recently that said something like "people pleasing hides who you really are." I am a people pleaser myself so it really made me think about ways that I've morphed myself into what others wanted by doing what they wanted me to do, not standing up for myself or my beliefs, no being authentic because I was afraid of being judged, etc. etc. When I changed myself for other people, I found that it was still never enough for them. They always wanted more - more control over my life, me to do more for them, etc. I can't make those people happy even when I run myself into the ground trying, not to mention this was all at the detriment to myself. In a way, my world came crashing down at one time but I got to rebuild my life based on my choices and what I wanted and that has been a beautiful thing that has brought ME a lot more happiness. The more confident I feel inside, the less I feel like I need others. This was a long process, however. It doesn't happen over night.

You have to do what is right for you and you need the freedom to be yourself but that is impossible if you let fear of abandonment rule your decisions. IMO, the only way to survive a PD parent is not to need them, to be okay with them walking away. This way, you can set boundaries and get what YOU need and if your parent can't accept that than the parent doesn't get to be in your life. Yes, it will be sad to lose your mom but has she really been there for you through your life? Mine has not been there through hard times, she's only caused me more stress. I do not need her. If she does not respect my decisions and treat me decently than she does not need to be in my life. I have all the power in the relationship, which has helped me SO much.

We all make mistakes and that is okay. You are not a bad person. I was also brought up to believe I was a bad person but you know what? Most people don't have that opinion of me! I know in my heart I do make mistakes but I try to be a good person and do that right thing and that counts for something. Our parents want us to believe we are bad & wrong so that they can control us. Just because someone has a certain opinion of you does not make it true. You are the only one who can decide what kind of person you want to be.

Keep working and soon you will find that you are the solid ground that you need.

Good luck & take care.

Yes, I absolutely have a fear of abandonment.  I just can't seem to move beyond it, I'm terrified that she will reject and leave me if I don't do certain things.  Right now I'm pretty sure she's mad at me, because she's mad at my sister.  Cause that makes sense to a borderline parent.

She hasn't said that she's mad at me, but she has been distant, polite when she responds to me but is barely talking to me or reading my texts.  So all of this triggers my abandonment fear, and I want to start going out of my way to do the things I know she wants.  She's also super weird around holidays, and obviously it's easter.  I'm worried if I don't do something, the relationship is going to deteriorate.  I can't help but care!  She is my mother.  She has torn my family apart, but she is my mother. 

I really do want a therapist that will help me directly with these things, but nobody seems to really get to the root of it.  I'm going to try hypnotherapy, and a life coach, because gosh darn it, I don't want to feel this way anymore.

How does anybody become "okay" with being abandoned by their mother?

Plus, if I decide to have a relationship with my dad, she'll reject me.  The whole parental alienation thing is very real in my situation. 

Yet, I still sit here feeling guilty, and that if only I did the right things, I could repair the relationship with her.  When it's good, even if it's superficial, it's so good.  I hate this.  I can't even talk to her about it because she will tell me I'm crazy. 

I emailed a bunch of therapists who deal with bpd, but none of them are in my area.  I guess I still don't really know what to do.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Intense Feelings of Guilt
« Reply #8 on: April 22, 2019, 02:25:59 AM »
Hi Jakey,

You wrote: 

How does anybody become "okay" with being abandoned by their mother?

For me, it was a matter of realizing I'm not the one with the problem, I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.   :yes:

There was *nothing* I could do to fix the relationship.  Didi didn't want it fixed - she wanted to abdicate ALL responsibility, while retaining total *control.*

She once said, in a phone call, "I should be able to call you up, ring a bell, and you'd know exactly what I want, without saying a word!"    :blink:

I told her I'd hang up and change my number, so she countered with, "Of COURSE I'd tell you what  I want!"

I told her if she *ever* rang a bell at me, I'd change my number, go dark, and she'd never hear from me again.  She then told me she was just *joking* and I have no sense of humor.  :snort:

I wanted to retort, "Then obviously you've never met me!" - but let it go, and got her off the phone once she started complaining about her health problems - "Did you call your doctor?  You really should.  I can't help you.  What do you mean, why?  I'm not a doctor."  :ninja:

SLAM went the phone in my ear.  I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing I wouldn't call again for another few weeks - only to endure more of *that.*   :P

When that's all you're getting - nastiness, negativity, toxicity, judgments about you and others (often negative), and are listening to stories about how her "enemies" (the neighbors) are out to get her - you begin to realize how much of a lost cause this person really is, even if she's your mother.

The only way to have a meaningful relationship with your mother is to be absolutely perfect in everything you say, think and do, and be able to read her mind, to bring, say or do whatever she wants, before she even knows she wants it - which *still won't be enough!*

THAT is what you're up against, and it's impossible.

I'm sure you're a perfectly lovely person, but you're not perfect - nobody is.  It's a part of the human condition, and our individual imperfections are what make human beings so wonderful - or toxic.

I also want to put forth to you the idea that your mother doesn't see you as a person - she sees you as a THING.  A tool to be used and discarded, until the next time it's needed.  In her mind, you just sit on a shelf, waiting for your marching orders, and when finished, you just get back up on that shelf and wait for more commands.   :stars:

And you're only as good as the last thing you did for her - and they have VERY short memories, which is why you often hear that you do *nothing* for her, when you just did her shopping last week, or ran some errands for her *today* - which is the reason for your visit.   >:(

Jakey, it's OKAY to not like her.  And it's OKAY to not want to walk on eggshells, or endure constant emotional abuse, just to maintain a relationship with *somebody who doesn't really love you.*

Relationships are two-sided.  Give and take.  Back and forth.   :yes:

But often, our relationships are very one-sided, with us doing all the giving, and your mother just taking and taking, then *complaining* that you don't do anything for her, you don't listen to her, you never visit or call (when you're either there or you're on the phone with her), and she very rarely shows you love or tenderness, because she's only able to think of *herself* and what she can GET out of a situation.

Didi didn't love me.  It took me a week to get my mind around that one, and I felt sick, every time I thought it.  Didi didn't love me - her own daughter!  No matter what I did or how hard I tried, she would never love me.   :'(

I think you're going to have that realization about your own mother - she doesn't really love you.  And it hurts like hell, but it *helps* in helping you to put order to chaos, separate, and put up clear, definable boundaries.   :yes:

Once you start to see the forest for the trees, and the FOG starts to lift, you start thinking, "I don't deserved to be treated like this.  I am NOT a personal assistant or her own version of Alexa.  I DESERVE compassion and respect, and I am NOT getting it from my mother, who treats me like a washing machine that needs to be kicked, to get it working properly.  That stops NOW."

Then, you won't see it as being "abandoned" by your mother - you'll see it as *liberation* from her, and she can go take care of her own problems, while you continue to heal, find a good T, post here, and realize how unhealthy your attachment to her was.   :yes:

You'll get there and operate from a place of kindness - you don't want to hurt her, but you *must* detach and claim your life as your own, without fear of reprisal (her cutting you off).

And one day, that prospect may not sound so bad  - it might sound downright *amazing.*  8-)

You are never going to be able to fix this relationship, because it suits your mom just *fine* the way it is - she's an angry person, who *wants* to be angry at the world, and *enjoys* having you feel like she could cut you off, so BEHAVE!   :no:

That's not something a loving, stable, rational, reasonable mother would do.

And as you do the work, you're going to realize you deserve SO much better!   :sunny:

 :hug:

*

Lillith65

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Re: Intense Feelings of Guilt
« Reply #9 on: April 22, 2019, 07:10:06 AM »
Hi Jakey,

There are similarities between your experiences and mine. I also grew up being blamed or if not directly blamed, I felt guilty for everything. I was trained to feel that it was my fault.

My mother also tells anyone who will listen nasty stories about what I was like as a child. This includes people visiting to do jobs around the house, neighbours and acquaintances in the street. She would even do this when she introduced me (as an adult) to someone.

My young sister was the Golden Child, who could do no wrong and needed everything done for her - often by me once my parents moved away. She also enjoyed long, nasty gossip sessions about me with both of my parents and would occasionally tell me the things  they had said about me.

I went through an absolutely dreadful couple of years that were heartbreaking for me and none of my immediate family offered any understanding or help. They stood on the sidelines and focussed on telling me how useless and pathetic I was.

After my father’s death 18 months ago a plan was cooked up (without my knowledge) to have my mother move close to me so that I could be her carer, chauffeur and ATM. When I realised and explained that I would not be playing that role, all hell broke loose and I received several absolutely horrible, nasty phone calls. My mother screamed down the phone and called me lots of terrible names. She finished by telling not to contact her or my sister ever again and I took her at her word. Of course, that didn’t last long and she and my sister have contacted me a couple of times saying that they want me to visit. No apologies. No acknowledgement of how badly they have both behaved - my sister has done some terrible things to me - and I believe that they want me back to resume business as usual and to take care of my mother.

It’s almost a year since I took up no contact when it was offered and I do feel better without either of them in my life. I still sometimes feel guilty, but that is my training, and I do sometimes miss having a family - they are all involved with my mother and sister - so have all been poisoned against me I guess. I wasn’t told about a family member’s death late last year for example. But overall it is the right thing to do for me.

Why would I allow ‘family’  to treat me so badly when I would never accept that behaviour from ‘friends’? My golden rule now is to keep away from people who deliberately hurt me because I have had enough pain.
« Last Edit: April 22, 2019, 07:13:42 AM by Lillith65 »