Am I a bad Mom

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Adria

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Am I a bad Mom
« on: April 15, 2019, 07:26:39 PM »
I can't take it anymore. The phone calls about all of schizo son's problems (that he creates). One on top of another and another and another.  I am so exhausted from the renovation of our new home. It was supposed to take two weeks, it has taken two months.  People in my house ten hours a day for the last eight weeks and I have no where to go and no peace. Meanwhile my son is calling me with every problem imaginable. I can hardly recover from these miserable phone conversations anymore.  We moved, downsized into a gated community to try to regain some control of our lives, but the attacks keep coming through the phone. I nearly through my phone out the car window today.

Would I be a bad mom if I tell my son I will only take his phone calls one day a week?  That is where I'm at right now. Nothing I do or say changes anything. He just makes one mess out of another out of his life. The three C's right? Why is that so damn hard!  Right now, it feels like either I will survive or he will. I can't do it anymore. :sadno:

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Goldielocks

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Re: Am I a bad Mom
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2019, 08:51:07 PM »
Yes, you should tell him that but then you have to stick to it. Could you afford another phone with a different number? Use the new one for everything else and leave the old one just with him on it.

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momnthefog

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Re: Am I a bad Mom
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2019, 11:28:24 PM »
You have to ..... and I do mean have to....take care of yourself first.

If that means letting it go to voice mail or taking calls once a week, then do that.

You have taken so many positive steps. Whatever boundary you decide....make it stick. 

Momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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momnthefog

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Re: Am I a bad Mom
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2019, 09:25:53 AM »
Adria,

I just want to tell you that the point at which I found relief and started healing was the point at which I determined my boundaries and (most importantly) stuck to my boundaries.

In the early years of understanding my daughters BPD I allowed a lot of behavior that was damaging to me....she was oblivious to it....she often just needed a dumping ground, a place to vent.  Once I realized that no matter what I said, how many suggestions I gave, the number of uh-huhs I uttered or time I spent on the phone....it would NEVER be enough for her.  In several days it would be the same situation again.

I started filtering calls.  I didn't necessarily answer just because my phone rang.  I let it go to vm.  If she didn't leave a vm, I didn't return the call. 

I started ending calls when they went over my predetermined time limit.....not when she ran out of steam (as that could take 45+ mins). 

And I came up with some scripted answers like "I know you will be able to solve this on your own."  or  "What about calling your counselor about this?"  or  "I don't feel like I have the experience/insight to advise on that matter."

This was about 5 years ago....and it took a while, but things are better (for now).  I still end conversations after about 15 mins.....or if they get really toxic (she's dumping and trashing something).....and I filter calls from her and take them or return them on my schedule.

Hugs....it's not an easy journey....you are not alone....and (most importantly) you are NOT a bad mom,

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Adria

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Re: Am I a bad Mom
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2019, 09:40:36 AM »
Goldielocks,

Thank you for your thoughts.  Yes, whatever I decide, I have to make it stick. Two phones. I haven't thought about that one.

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Adria

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Re: Am I a bad Mom
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2019, 09:46:53 AM »
Momnthefog,

Ya know, I totally get what you are saying and know that is what I should do. But, when that phone rings, I think, "Oh, I can do it one more time, it's not going to kill me."  Well, yesterday, I thought it was going to kill me and told my son that. Now, I feel terrible.

Thank you for your reminders. Sometimes, it helps to see it in black and white and to reread it a few times until it sinks in and feels okay.

Man, can life get any harder?  It seems at some point, it should all stop. 

Maybe this is the lesson I"m supposed to learn in life. That I can't fix everything and to for once take care of myself.  It's a hard one.

I saw your post Momnthefog, I'm sorry for what you are dealing with again as well. I just don't have much to say right now. Hugs to you. I wish you all the best.


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Frances29

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Re: Am I a bad Mom
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2019, 12:44:58 PM »
Adria, 

No, you are not a bad mom.

I am going thru something similar with my DD (22), I don't announce what she is doing to me (which is making me FURIOUS, disgusted, disappointed, harming my sanity and mental health and that of my younger two children and husband).  I just don't say anything. 

I don't announce that I am not taking her calls.  I just don't answer them.  I turn my phone OFF at night; when I WAKE UP, I turn the phone on.  She is already set to silent ring..so during the day I don't see her call.  I check the VM or not..

DD text the other day to 'send me xyz at college.'  I ignored it.  She called 5x, I didn't pick up, she didn't leave VM.  She text again, 'send me xyz at college.'  *she didn't say please and I could have sent it, I didn't feel like it so I didn't and a day later I sent back, "not sending anything."  She has no idea if I am in town, has no idea what I am doing with my other children, I am not doing another thing for her.  NOT.

I am sorry you are going thru this, and I will say the house renovation is GRATING and exasperating WITHOUT having a PD child..we went thru this last spring..a 4 weeks job turned into 4 months (I want to say quadruple your 'estimated time' the contractor gives you, and EXPECT problems along the way to add to the cost..

My 2 cents for today will be; please stop taking his calls, for x time period.  Don't tell him why, just start lowering the contact...they will eventually have to figure out a way without you...

This is awful, but I sometimes think I know women my age that have died of breast cancer, my high school friend was dx with stage 3 BC last year at 47 and died within 6 months (shocker in today's world but she got severe and resistant infection complications after the DM) so what if that was me...the ADULT child would have to figure it out...so I think if I was dead right now, I would not have to deal with her/his call..his/her problem..endless problems....

Their problems are not our problems, lets stop making an adults problems our problems, we ACTUALLy have lives and other children...and our health to think about...they don't get to take everything from us because we had them, they don't...

« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 12:53:09 PM by Frances29 »

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momnthefog

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Re: Am I a bad Mom
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2019, 05:31:43 PM »
 :yeahthat:

I needed to read that today.

Momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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practical

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Re: Am I a bad Mom
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2019, 08:43:28 AM »
Somebody on OOTF came up with the following saying and it has helped me in these situations many times "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm". It doesn't work like you say yourself, you are burned out and he is still in the same place, still needy, unable to deal with his life on his own. Realizing it was me or my father with his ceaseless needs was a stark awakening for me. Committing to martyrdom for another person isn't a good thing in my book.

"It has nothing to do with you. Even if you had the character of Gandhi, Mother Theresa and Saint Francis rolled into one, you could never fill the void - because you cannot change what their mind creates. " This is from the article in the Glossary about "Self-Victimization" and has helped me many a times, because I know I'm none of these persons and even they couldn't do it. https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/self-victimization

You are not a bad mother, going on as you have would make you a bad caretaker of your own life.

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If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Adria

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Re: Am I a bad Mom
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2019, 09:48:03 AM »
Frances and Practical,

Thank you so much for your wise words. You make many great points.

 I almost died of liver cancer because of the stress of my son a few years ago. I was given a second chance and am scared of my health all over again.  I needed to read what you have to say, and you are right. You are so right. It's a new day, and I'm going to start living and enjoying my life for the first time ever. It's my turn now. Yup!!! :yes:

I think I'm finally getting it. Wow! I must have a really thick skull, but I'm still trainable LOL! :doh:

You all are the best people in the world! I really appreciate you coming to my rescue and setting me back in line. Your caring and thoughtful words continue to blow me away. You're simply the best. Hugs and happiness, Adria
« Last Edit: April 17, 2019, 09:59:08 AM by Adria »