Projection frustrations

[Pepin]

Projection - The act of attributing one's own feelings or traits to another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.

As I continue to work on myself and undo the damage I unknowingly allowed PDmil to inflict, I am often stuck on my "thoughts" about projection.  There are certain things that I do not like about PDmil (and I do feel bad for having those thoughts) and I worry that maybe those are things I do not like about myself?  But when I run through the list of what I perceive to be her "faults" I am unable to match them with my own.  There are things that she just cannot do -- that I believe most adults can do with ease....because we are adults.  But for as long as I have known her, she has needed consistent help over the years in getting those "adult tasks" done -- and some of these things are easily done by those much younger. 

Do I struggle with some things?  Absolutely. 

My DH really painted a different picture about his mother before I met her.  Upon meeting her it was like letting the air out of a balloon.  I learned to accept her for who she was...though at the time she had more of a network around her to help her get things done.  Now much of what she needs done falls to DH or his sister.  And they are tired.  I see little love being exchanged...just robotic movement. 

I am irritated with myself for constantly measuring myself up to PDmil when in reality we are two completely different people.  I also really struggle to see what DH finds so redeeming about her -- or maybe he is stuck in idealization from when he was a child?  He will talk about things from the past but has had nothing to contribute about the recent past or present.  He sees his mother mentally starting to decline, that she has had no sense of self after FIL passed away 7 years ago, and that she just doesn't want to learn or do anything.  But, she asks DH and his sister to do things for her ALL the time that she "should" be doing herself.  Saying that she is too old learn has been going on since I have known her for the last 20+ years.  I find myself learning new things every day and even hunting to learn new things in an effort to be as broad as I can.  PDmil is the kind of person that has very few options in her life because that is what she chose for herself. 

Seems that every now and then there is something new that she has decided that she cannot do and I get frustrated with my thoughts wondering how it is that someone can be so helpless?  And then when I think that, I worry that I am helpless, too. 

[athene1399]

What do you feel helpless about? It sounds to me like you are learning new things.And you are working on yourself. That takes a lot of courage. None of that sounds helpless to me. Or is it more that you see these faults in her and you are wondering if you are "the pot calling the kettle black"?

[Pepin]

What do you feel helpless about? It sounds to me like you are learning new things.And you are working on yourself. That takes a lot of courage. None of that sounds helpless to me. Or is it more that you see these faults in her and you are wondering if you are "the pot calling the kettle black"?

I definitely feel more the latter though I can easily do all the things that PDmil cannot.  But I worry that if she has faults, that my faults must be noticed by others, too.  If anything, I feel helpless sometimes that I am unable to go a day without thinking about how much PDmil bothers me by being a part of our lives.  I have anxiety anticipating when I will have to interact with her even though I have not seen her in weeks.  I also don't like it when she calls our home or when DH mentions her in conversation.  I really am doing my best to detach and just pretend she is irrelevant in my world. 

The other side to this is that I feel helpless for DH.  Obviously I have zero control over him, but the way he interacts with her plays a huge part in our relationship with each other.  He is caught up in the guilt loop and has very little wiggle room as far as I can tell until PDmil expires.

When I am talking about PDmil being helpless, to date she is unable to operate a bank teller machine to withdraw cash.  These have been around since the 90s.  When DH graduated from grad school (mid 90s), she was unable to book a plane ticket on her own or get a hotel room without the help of his sister who accompanied.  She is unable to make doctor appointments or find the right type of doctor for any care that she needs without the help of a family member.  She has been this way for decades.  DH got her furnace replaced a couple of years ago and I seriously doubt she has changed the air filter that is supposed to be changed every 2 months because guess who would have to order the filters?  DH!!!  Servicing her vehicle? Replacing a roof?  Balancing a checkbook?  Reading the mail?  She can pay bills.  She can cook food.  Was unable to drive grandchildren to any activities when they were younger or pick them up.  Did not know how to read a map back in the day before technology to know where to go.  Basically has lived and stayed near by to her house for decades....never once exploring or venturing around the city.  DH had to help her with her WILL.  The list could go on and on...I am flabbergasted at how she made it this far without the help of so many.  If I asked for help like that, my marriage would have fallen apart.  And then the bigger question of all: if she has had so much help in her life, has she been able to reciprocate?  No.  Stirs pot by being more helpless.  Reciprocating for her means more attention.  The martyr.  No one gets the spotlight except her.   

[Pepin]

I should also mention that what she gets away with is astounding.  There is no way that I could have behaved the same way as PDmil has.  If anything, her helplessness has pushed me harder to get as far away from her type of behavior as possible with myself.  But yes, I am helpless at not being successful at getting over how I feel about her. 

[blacksheep7]

As I have already written, your Mil sounds like my NM that I am nc with 2 years now.   Helpless, somewhat.   So I understand your frustration.  Stop comparing yourself to that woman, you are not like that and don't use her as an example to do any work on yourself. 
I grew up with this woman and I can tell you today that she was always like that, was afraid of having a microwave in the 80's and she was around 50, was afraid of using Internet.  She would never say that she was afraid of the unknown, of something new, only that she didn't need it.  Doesn't drive, does not know how to use the Atm machine also.... does not even write a check. ..why, because she does not want to learn! Another important factor is  that my NM kept her ignorant, had control over everything that way, making her a spoiled entitled N parent. Has my brothers and sister cater to her.  My b is like your husband saying she is old.  He's her fav child, I'm her scapegoat.  But she still badmouths all of her children, never happy.
To get over how you feel about her takes a long time because she is still in your circle, it's learning how to detach emotionally.  Don't punish yourself for having those feelings.  I am starting, yes just starting to detach emotionally from my NM and I don't even have any contact with any of my FOO.

[Pepin]

To get over how you feel about her takes a long time because she is still in your circle, it's learning how to detach emotionally.  Don't punish yourself for having those feelings.  I am starting, yes just starting to detach emotionally from my NM and I don't even have any contact with any of my FOO.

I get this.  Perhaps I am at a phase in my healing journey where I am unnecessarily comparing myself to PDmil as a way of further detaching? And YES because she is still in my circle, I keep asking myself is it true that her behavior is really bothering me?  Realistically, her behavior has been bothering me for decades -- except at the beginning I blamed myself and started behaving like a doormat -- which is exactly what she wanted me to do!  I ignored all her faults thinking that I was unfairly judging her.  And of course DH was bolstering her ego which made me feel worse inside.

It seemed that after FIL passed, PDmil really was exposed.  She had no one to hide behind anymore.  The next best option was of course DH -- especially since our kids were entering their teen years and *seemingly* needed their Dad's attention less. 

DH has said that after FIL passed away, that PDmil lost her sense of self.  I have done a lot of thinking about that and I think she knows exactly who she is: a fraud.  DH on the other hand, has in my opinion lost his sense of self.  He is so busy in PDmil's business that he forgets about himself.  He is the one suffering the most.  And how it is that a mother cannot see that?  To let her son be with his family...before we become empty nesters. 

PDmil has no relevance in our lives.  She is so different than seemingly anyone else I know!  I correspond with many other older folk and they have such a positive and giving state of mind.  I really hoped PDmil could be like that as she aged....but she went in the opposite direction. 

 

[athene1399]

I understand how you feel, Pepin. Everyone has faults though. And I'm sure a major difference between your faults and your MIL is that you can see your faults and admit you have them. Most PDs can't admit they have faults and shoot out a smoke screen blaming others so no one can see their faults. it doesn't sound like you do this.

On the other side, I do understand the fear of "maybe I'm just as bad as she is." I have that thought sometimes too. But i think in just noticing our behaviors may on occasion be problematic is a huge difference. And then we work to becoming better. Also, we don't blame others for our shortcomings or mistakes.

That can be very frustrating with DH, but like you said he makes his own decisions. Maybe one day he will want boundaries, maybe he never will. Try looking up Radical acceptance. It may help you. It's about accepting things you can't control. A lot easier than said, but after a bit it does help. It sounds like you are doing this a bit already. Does DH know how what he does for him M affects you?

[1footouttadefog]

One of the things I had to come to terms with was that I bought the false image that my spouse presented of himself.

I overlooked red flags and played along so to speak.  Later when the mask was slipping I continued to be invested in the image I had been sold.

I later when coming g further Out of the FOG recognized his own false image was not all I had bought into.  I had let my spouse "sell" me his version of others also. 

Your story of you and your mother in law reminds me of examples of where I bought a false version of someone second hand from my spouse.

Re-evaluation each and every relationship from a new and no longer enmeshed mind set was a healthy thing.  I accepted the reality of each person and adjusted my interaction based on reality to a degree that the relationships were healthy and based on truth and acceotance.

In some cases this meant that I let relationships fall away because they could be nothing other than toxic and that is unhealthy for all involved.


No longer expecting what cannot be and lowering the bar leads to less disappointment.  In manycases I was pleasantly surprised that the person was over all better than the image I had been presented. 

Removing the PD filter and assumptions, and negativity was a good thing.

[Pepin]

Does DH know how what he does for him M affects you?

I think that DH is not 100% aware.  If I came out and told him that I believe PDmil to be a fraud and that I really don't care to have her be a part of my life, he would be devastated.  At the same time though, I have been carrying my own burden of devastation with the realization that PDmil is not who DH has built her up to be!  And her behavior sure doesn't match who he describes her to be either. 

After coming Out of the FOG with PDmil, I have had to chip away at the truth...which takes a very long time.  DH as a result has been ruffled at times but also he has gained clarity.  His "loyalty" seems to override his "embarrassment" -- I don't know if it is a guy thing or not.

Just the other day DH asked if we wanted to go visit PDmil since he hasn't seen her in several weeks now  .  One teen was out of town and the other was unwell.  I decided to throw DH a bone and see what would happen when I said: I can go visit PDmil with you -- but only if you don't have tasks that you would need to take care of for her because it wouldn't make sense otherwise for me to join you...    The point is, that if he has "stuff" to do then there is no social reason for me to be there since they won't speak English in my presence.  We stayed home.  I know DH is tired of doing things for PDmil.  I took care of some yard work and he washed his car instead though.