I feel responsible, but I really am not!

[Samuel S.]

Yeah, this is how I feel on a gut level. It is amazing the impact of how one Dr, Seuss impacted my life. While I don't remember the name of the story, it was about the elephant that sits on top of a tree to warm some eggs while the stork flies off on vacation, an endless one at that! Through all kinds of weather conditions, the elephant says he will never forget. He basically means he feels responsible not to let the stork down and doesn't want the eggs to die.

Bottom line, while I know I am not responsible for my PDw's actions and while I have made minor mistakes but I have never been abusive, I am with her. So, all kinds of guilt, all kinds of responsibility, all kinds of ways to make things better by sitting things out, all that hasn't worked, but I am still sitting here.

I am revealing my innermost feelings, and I know people have tried to break that responsible feeling I have.

In the meantime, my PDw, my stork, is taking advantage of me, and it isn't right. My T patiently has worked with me, always saying I need to take care of myself, but it is hard to do.

[Blackbird11]

It is so hard. Commenting as a virtual hug because I'm in the same boat!

[1footouttadefog]

At risk of seeming less than warm and supporting...

Yes you are responsible.  It is your own choosing that considers your relationship livable and doable and tolerable etc.

It is the very core of who you choose to be that allows you to remain present in your current situation.

I am however glad you have the freedom to choose what works best for you.

[not broken]

I am struggling with guilt and feeling responsible as well.  Often times now, I see a little kid who truly doesn't get it when I look at my HwNPD, his behaviors scream arrested development to me, and since he doesn't yell and call me nasty names, I feel empathy or sympathy or whatever it is and all boils down to guilt.  Ironically, I just started talking to my teenage daughter about FAULT vs RESPONSIBILITY as a way to help her heal, because I see similar challenges she is having now, based on what I feel and know has been collateral damage to my thought process, trust, self esteem, etc. After reading your post and then 1footouttadefog 's response, I had this epiphany that I need to take my own advice.  His childhood trauma and suffering are not his fault, but he is responsible for his actions and treatment of me.  It is not my fault that I didn't understand what was happening for many, many years; but it is my responsibility now that I do know to give my girls and myself a safe home to recover rebuild and ultimately thrive in.   Mentally, I know this, and yet the damn guilt from wherever and whatever, tethers me to inaction in regards to my relationship. 

Do you think that fear is tied to the guilt, Samuel S?  The guilt that holds us to remain sitting?

[Blackbird11]

My comment was more commiseration on being in the FOG - which really feels more like a spider's web. You get one limb loose - you start to understand and envision freedom and happiness, but then you realize your other appendages aren't quite free yet.

1foot - your comment is true: we are choosing this. That's what is so crazy to me personally - I got myself here. , I would love, love LOVE to put it on someone else. It's me. I like that quote "we are the masters of our fate; we are the captains of our souls." I stare at this damn quote all day long while I try and grow a backbone to get myself and my kid out of this thing. Every time I think I'm ready, the fear or guilt is overwhelming. I hope each time I get a little bit closer to GTFO.

Notbroken - I'm damn near in tears over your post. Yup. In a nutshell.

[Samuel S.]

The only choice I made was based on being manipulated in so many ways like all of us nonPDs. Then, we either slowly or quickly sank in the "PD quicksand", if you will.

I have so much time, energy, and yes even money into this relationship. Now, she has "thanked" me by disregarding this relationship. Whether you want to call her quicksand or a spider, I hurt.

Not broken, indeed, it is also fear about my PDw. She is manipulative, vindictive, selfish. She cooks food for the two of us while complaining that she has to cook. I have offered to cook or cut things for her to cook; yet, I don't do it the way she likes it, and I cannot see as well as she can. She will talk behind my back and about others, too. She will laugh at others' pain, and she is a pharmacist who is becoming an acupuncturist. Go figure! If she is in a good which is rare, she can poke me with her needles. If she is in a bad mood, other people and I shouldn't be available for her pins. She has a lot of anger. So, there is fear that I have.

As for fearing on my own, I have a lot of love and support. So, I another afraid of not having her in my life. I am afraid of the repercussions of someone who is like a wounded animal who is 58 years old. And she considered herself originally as my soulmate! Well, it is now cellmate!