joint graduation party

[athene1399]

SO decided it would be less hassle to do a joint-graduation party for SD. His thinking was it would be easier on her and BM's the only one with a suspected PD in her family. The rest of her family is really nice/"non". We've taken care of most of the details after checking with BM for her input. I asked SO if we should invite BM early  to the place we rented  to help us decorate and he looked nauseous at the thought. lol I don't know if I'm being too nice. Maybe I should just decorate and not ask her to come help. The party is not until this summer.

Does anyone have any thoughts? Or have been through anything similar?

[Rose1]

It's stressful. Pd acted like he was responsible for all the amazing stuff and got in the way of everyone taking photos. I swear half my d's limo photos (she shared one with friends) had his butt in them.
I would not get her to help. She may sabotage. She's a guest. If she wants a private party she can arrange it. It's going to be hard enough without t a t.
Btw exbpdh's ubpdm used to pretty much elbow me out of the way at school play nights because you see them ALL the time. No clue that on these nights we were seeing the results of our hard work which she had not contributed to at all. But take the credit? They sure did.

[Associate of Daniel]

These occasions are the stuff of my nightmares.

My ds is only 12 and I'm already strategising his graduation, 21st, wedding, birth of his children etc..

Wedding, I'll just have to suck it up.  I'll give him what money I can for him to spend on whatever wedding item he likes. But I don't plan to be involved in the planning. I won't put myself in the line of uNPD EXh or his uNPD wife's fire. And she'll take over anyway.

The other celebrations I plan to celebrate seperately with ds. Even if it's only him and me.

I feel very selfish thinking this way but at this stage, doing things the normal way makes me feel ill.

As the BM I feel I should help with the organisation of these things.  Maybe your sd's BM feels the same way.

So perhaps it is worth it to ask for her involvement.  Radical Acceptance is the way to roll with whatever the response/result is.

What does your sd say?

AOD

[athene1399]

I have so much anxiety building up over SD's graduation. She's planning on dorming so I'm afraid BM will start becoming openly unhinged due to her immense fear of abandonment. She's been hanging on to SD like a life raft. I don't think BM knows who she is without SD.

Like you said, AoD, regardless of BM's BPDness, she is still BM. And SD is her youngest, so I feel like this is extra special for BM for that reason as well. I will ask SD if she thinks mom would like to help decorate. I'm seeing SD this weekend (first overnight since Oct. I'm so excited!) so will bring it up then. I'll have to deal with BM at the party all that afternoon, so what's an extra hour to decorate? Maybe I can get her to buy some decorations for the party. SO and I have been planning this without expecting any help from BM financially. It is going to be a pot luck type thing where we were going to ask some family to bring a dish to pass while we supply the main course. Maybe we can ask if BM would like to make a dessert, too. That way she would feel included, and if she doesn't bring anything it's also not the end of the world.

Aod_ I do cringe at the thought of SD's future wedding. lol I try not to think about that. The day of would probably include BM petting SD and not leaving her alone the whole time. I don't know how SD does it. I need my personal space. But our mom's are different kids of crazy from each other. But now I'm off topic a bit.

Rose- thank you so much for sharing your experience. I assume BM will be the same way, butting into every picture. Probably also talking loudly about what a great mom she is . Sorry to hear about what happened at the school plays. I would be so irritated. How did you cope? I may have to practice going to my happy place for this party.  Need to practice the radical acceptance for sure!

[Penny Lane]

This also seems like my nightmare. I would rather cut off my arm than joint host a party with our BM. Good luck, I hope you get through it in one piece.

I suggest splitting up the duties with you guys handling some stuff and BM handling other stuff. No sharing responsibility. And ideally BM's stuff would would be things that aren't necessary, per se. What if you just let her be in charge of decorations, or you asked her if she would rather do it or have you guys do it? It's not the end of the world if there are none. And then you and DH can focus on other setup. Obviously this wouldn't work if you REALLY REALLY care about decorations, but this seems like a good place to let go of some control. Then you guys can focus on things that HAVE to get done like invitations, food etc.

[athene1399]

That's a great idea and like a win/win. Give her stuff to do if she wants to. That way she feels included. But it's nothing that we can't live without. That way she can't derail anything if she "forgets" to do it. And we still have plenty of time of work out the details and plan. I figured SO and I can figure out how to handle BM and then get her involved when we are ready.

I'll let everyone know how it goes. Maybe I'll wear a good luck charm day of just in case. lol Thanks for the help! 

[HotCocoa]

My thoughts:  if SO thought it was so great to do a joint graduation party with BM, then he can do all the work and I would stay out of it.  Completely.  I'm with Penny when she said she would rather cut off her arm...totally get it.  I AM the BM and I would NEVER host a joint party with my ex and his girlfriend.  NO.WAY.
Good luck to you.

[athene1399]

if SO thought it was so great to do a joint graduation party with BM, then he can do all the work and I would stay out of it.  Completely.

OMG. I love it.  I think that's a great idea. Especially since I do not communicate with BM. I would be asking him to ask her, so you're right. It's just easier if he handles all that. Although, I am excited to decorate. But I should be prepared now in case I can't decorate or my ideas can't happen. Honestly, I just want to make a poster board with the school logo on it and bring sharpies so her friends and family can sign it. And that's just one small thing.

Part of me does not care that BM will be there. She knows SD likes me a lot, so plays the "You're suck a great step mom!" card in public. I'm more afraid I can't handle it and will get pissed off with BM bragging about what a struggling single mom she is. SO and I have been paying for so much stuff for SD, he's even been delivering groceries to SD because she's been staying full time with BM. SO was behind BM once at a store and she didn't see him, but she was telling the clerk how she's a struggling single mom (I don't think the clerk asked, she just starting yammering on about it). He thought it was funny, but stuff like that makes me mad. I know I shouldn't let it. I tell myself (and everyone here) that those who matter know the truth. Maybe I should ask a friend to put me in time out if it looks like I am getting upset. lol So I guess I'm more worried about myself than BM. I feel she triggers the BPD in me. But the event will be outside, so we should have plenty of room to stay away from each other.

[athene1399]

Nothing new from BM's end to update, I just have some emotional anxieties that I have to work through so thought I'd write them out because it always makes me feel better. At any rate, I found some low cost artsy/DIY stuff to do for the grad party. I have been spending a lot of time making party favors, painting the school mascot on foam-board to have SD's friends/family write messages on, and for years I've been working on a scrap book with SD's award ceremony programs and chorus programs and stuff. I suddenly got anxiety that SD will feel bad for BM not really contributing and will not appreciate anything I've done so that she can make BM feel better. It's just that I spent a lot of time to do something special for SD, so I'm afraid she won't appreciate that. Or maybe what I'm doing is stupid and she wouldn't like it anyway, regardless of BM. Obviously I don't know the future but part of me knows I will be hurt and mad if that does happen. I know BM isn't working, but there are no cost things that she could do to help. I guess for all I know maybe she is doing something. We did ask her to organize what food her family may want to bring. BM said she wanted to help, we told her how to help, then she went into the psych ward. So then we told gramma to organize the food their family brings in case BM couldn't.

I know so many of us do this. We get anxious over things ending up worst case scenario, then when the event comes we're like "why did I worry so much?" I guess all that matters is I'm enjoying my DIY projects and that they've come from the heart. And if SD doesn't appreciate it now, maybe she will look back and appreciate it later on. And at some point I will move back into radical acceptance. lol

[Stepping lightly]

hi Athene,

SD is so lucky to have you!  What you are doing for her is so incredibly thoughtful! I would guess, no matter how SD reacts, she is going to be really touched by how much you have done for her.  The one thing we all know is that we can't control how other people react, we can only control how we feel/react.  Remember the balancing act/issues SD is having to deal with in regards to BM.   I often get wrapped up in how my SKs are behaving/reacting that I forget that they have to live in what I envision as "the lions den". What move do they have to make to make sure they aren't eaten by the lion when they go home?

Since Gramma is helping with food, maybe you could make a comment to SD to the effect of "it's great that everyone contributed to your party, you are really special to everyone".  Maybe just a quick off the cuff statement will alleviate some of her guilt if it starts to crop up?  This is how I manage things now when I anticipate a bad reaction/chaos.  Example, a couple of weeks ago DSD wanted to hang out with a friend of hers way on the far side of town during a really busy weekend.  I wanted this to happen for her, so we made this whole plan for me to drive her/pick up her friend and they would hang out while I ran some errands on that side of town.  Due to a few recent experiences, I knew the girls liked to change their plans  drastically on the go without really thinking of the impact to anyone else (typical teenager stuff).      Instead of worrying about it, I just dropped a comment that morning to the effect of "I think our plan will work out really well, if it works well we can plan to do this on  a more frequent basis".  It went perfectly, she communicated perfectly, and I would be more than glad to do that again. 

[athene1399]

Thank you, SL.  And I love your idea of saying how nice it is that everyone chipped in to help. And you are absolutely correct. How SD reacts is her survival mode for BM's. I need to remember that it doesn't reflect on me as much as it reflects on BM.  I'm also sure I am stressing over nothing, but knowing that doesn't help to lessen the stress. But since I am stressing now I should have it out of my system by then. Overall it should be fun for SD and I am really excited for her to start a new chapter in her life.  I guess that's really all that matters.

[athene1399]

This is nothing serious, I just wasn't sure if we should say anything. About a month ago BM said she wanted paper invites for some of the family and friends who do not have social media (we sent the initial invite on SM). Later that week, SD created paper invites and I paid for them. I assumed she did this because BM said she wanted paper invites for certain people. Then BM was saying a few weeks ago she wants to help with the party (again. We gave her suggestions before, but maybe she didn't like any of them) and asked if I would help her make something. SO gave her my number and I've not heard anything. Then over the weekend BM said she wants to create paper invites to send out to everyone, even those who had the invite on social media.  I don't know if we should remind her SD sent out paper invites or that her money would be better spent on something we haven't bought yet.  Or should i just leave it alone? I just don't know why she keeps asking to help but then won't or comes up with a useless idea (maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but everyone is already invited so why create a third invite?). It's probably that she wants to help in a way that makes her feel special or makes it look like she's doing the work. In the beginning we told her what we could use some help with and she's not done any of it. Her last suggestion she didn't follow through on. And now she wants to send out more invites to everyone who already has an invite (we've already done electronic, paper/picture of SD, and some received both). SD made extra paper invites for some of the family who she thought would want a copy of the picture she used. I thought it was a great idea, but I don't see why it has to be done a second time by BM. And if the paper invites was her idea, then why didn't she pay for the ones SD made? SD was going to pay for them so I stepped in and bought them thinking she did it because BM suggested it. It just seems like a waste of money for more paper invites when BM really has no money. If it were me I'd want to spend the money I had on something that wasn't a duplicate of what was already done. I don't think she's being intentionally difficult, so that's why I don't know if I should suggest to her to do something we really need? Or just leave it alone?

[athene1399]

So we all survived the joint party. I did learn some things:

1) BM is unpredictable.
She said she would do stuff and it never got done. There were things we told her not to do that she did last minute anyway. She's just going to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. She is literally like a 5 year old who won't listen.

2) I don't think she means to be a jerk (at least for this party), but it sure came off that way.
SO and I don't agree on this. He thinks she's secretly an evil genius. I think she  is incapable of planning ahead so her impulsivity wreaks havoc on her life. Her impulsivity and drive to just do things that she wanted to do regardless of what others said made her come off like she was being a jerk. I don't think she meant to be a jerk, she just naturally is.

3) She is so used to her family and friends just dropping everything to help her that she expects they will do it so asks them last minute. I think this is one of the reasons she told us so-and-so was doing whatever, but when she actually asked them they said no so then she came back to us with "this is not getting done." It was really frustrating though.

4) Her family knows that she is the issue.
Many of her family came up to SO and were kind of like "What is BM's problem? She's acting like this is a wedding. She's asking us to do stuff last minute. I guess she hasn't changed at all." That was very validating.

5) People could tell I was the one who put the work into the party regardless of what front BM put on.
BM pretended she was the hostess, but people could tell I was rearranging the food and making sure stuff was put out when it was supposed to be out and stuff like that. A lot of people I didn't know came up to me to thank me for putting on a good party. I'm glad it showed who really did the work.

Now I just have to vent a bit (of course lol). The week of the party BM said no one was making food in her family so we told her not to worry about it because we had plenty on my side bringing stuff. So two days before the party she orders main course food and tells us. SO asked her why she did this since we ordered the main course food the week before. She said there would not be enough food. She was of course wrong and there was way too much. But she spent the same money on her food as we did on our pizza (SD wanted pizza so that's what we got). Maybe she did it because she didn't want to split anything with us? IDK.

Then two days before the party SO decided to do a run down because he knows she can't plan ahead. He asked her what time she was getting her food because we weren't putting out the main food at the start of the party since it started early in the afternoon. She was going to pick up her food on the way so didn't know how to keep it warm. The day of the party, she asked her cousin if she could keep it in her oven. So BM's cousin had to show up late to the party because BM wanted to use her oven (In my opinion she should have just said no.). She was one of the ones who told SO "I guess nothing's changed with BM". She was kind of mad when she found out we ordered the main food the week prior and there was no reason for BM to order her food.

BM told us her friend made a card box for thank you cards (so people could put their addresses on the envelopes). My dad made a card box for cards for SD. BM made a sign for her box so there would be no confusion. She never brought her box, saying "SD told me not to do it" and put her sign for the thank you cards on our card box. My friend came up to me and was confused where to put her card for SD. At least I had extra paper to make a sign saying cards for SD go in the same box. I'm assuming her friend never made the box, so that's why she didn't bring it. But don't put your sign on the box for the cards/money for SD. I'm glad I found out early in the party what happened so we didn't have a pile of cards with money in them laying out on a table somewhere.

And the last thing that irked me was BM was going to show up early to help decorate. She showed up ten minutes late and started putting together the collage she said she said she wanted to do a month ago. So she didn't help decorate at all. I was a little mad because my sister kept trying to decorate and I was like "I promised BM I'd let her be a part of the decorating and she said she wanted to help.". Then of course she shows up and doesn't decorate. Then when it was time to clean up she disappeared with her friend. My sister and a friend of SD's helped us clean up.

Overall it was a success, but so much was stressful and irritating I don't think I'd ever offer BM a chance to help again. I hope we never have another joint party. If we do I will either stay out of it, let someone else be in charge, or not let BM be a part of the planning (but she does whatever she wants so that probably woudln't work).

The good news is that is all over! 

[athene1399]

And I forgot the creepiest part! BM wore a dress with a similar print and colors on it to SD's.  SO came up to me and was like "You forgot to wear your matching dress." It's just so weird how BM likes to show her and SD are the same. I find it creepy.

[Penny Lane]

She is literally like a 5 year old who won't listen.

HAHAHAHA I feel this so hard.

SO and I don't agree on this. He thinks she's secretly an evil genius. I think she  is incapable of planning ahead so her impulsivity wreaks havoc on her life. Her impulsivity and drive to just do things that she wanted to do regardless of what others said made her come off like she was being a jerk. I don't think she meant to be a jerk, she just naturally is.

SO and I have also discussed this at length. He really did think BM was an evil genius when I met him. And when I saw her behaviors up close I was like, she is just flailing no strategy??? But then also some of her behaviors are clearly mean, on purpose. Where I came down to is that she makes thing really difficult for everyone around her because she just doesn't know how to do it differently. (Like, she's late to EVERYTHING, not just to bring the kids to DH ... not a behavior aimed AT him, just a bad behavior anyway). But then sometimes she's definitely really awful on purpose. Like a child throwing a tantrum. But knowing that not all her bad behaviors are intended to get under his skin makes it easier for us, psychologically, to find work-arounds.

Congratulations on living through what sounds like my nightmare! I hope you never have to do it again and can go blissfully NC soon. 

[athene1399]

Thank you, Penny!

It was defiantly helpful in this scenario to keep in mind she wasn't creating chaos on purpose. I tried to see her as a child. It helps me to keep my patience. But in the past she has been nasty on purpose. Maybe knowing that I could handle this I will have an easier time working through her causing problems on purpose. It may help me to accept that this is just how she is. With the proper therapy maybe she could start adjusting her behaviors, but I don't think that is happening. It probably never will.