Poisoned the Well with my Brother

[lexophile528]

I haven't posted in a long time, but my brother's birthday is in a couple days and I've been thinking about trying to reach out to him.

Some background:
We were very close growing up, and maintained a close relationship through college. My brother got married shortly after graduating and we drifted somewhat apart because I did not get along as well with my sister-in-law. Fast forward a few years and he splits from first wife and marries second, with whom I got along well, but we had already begun to diverge in life paths and remained somewhat distant.

I cut ties with my parents in late 2016. I refused them contact with my young child and that was what made them furious with me. They treated my decision as a "phase" that I would grow out of and I guess they didn't realize I was serious until I started sending back the cards and gifts they sent my daughter. I worked very hard to keep my brother out of it, but he is local to them and I am not, so when he suddenly stopped taking or returning my calls, I reached the conclusion that they got to him and poisoned the well.

The last time I tried to reach out to my brother was his birthday following my break with my parents. I've respected his space, and I speculate that he is under a lot of pressure from them, now that I am out of their lives, to be the "good child" and put up with their nonsense. He probably resents me (as I know I would) for leaving him to bear the storm of their disapproval of my actions. He also relies very heavily on them for financial help.

I really, really miss my brother. I want to reach out and wish him a happy birthday, but I'm afraid of several things. I'm afraid I will open a can of worms and draw him even further into the fray. I'm afraid my parents will get wind that I'm contacting him and take it as permission to contact me and my family. Mostly, I'm afraid he will still ignore me. I don't know what to do with these feelings.

[Goldielocks]

Hi, one sentence that you wrote really stood out to me - "he relies very heavily on them for financial help."
That's it in a nutshell.
The brother you miss has changed, as you probably have too since splitting from your parents. The feelings you struggle with are based on past memories. The brother you once had a good relationship with is gone now.
He will stick with the parents because of the money if nothing else. Siblings do seem to have a loyalty to the parents that we can't really understand or share.
On his birthday you might like to pay homage in some private way to the brother you once had and silently, send him your love.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

If your brother is taking money from them on a regular basis, it's very likely indeed he's been "bought" sad to say.  Your brother can't be very young, just getting started in life, since he's on his second marriage?

I have a younger (adult) sister. When I first went NC with my parents, around Thanksgiving, she wanted to ride that wave and "escape" as well, and never go back to that house again. Now that the whistle was blown, she said she finally felt safe to speak up. She was very supportive of me. Until I told her that she would not be able to move in with us and go on our health insurance as a dependent. That Christmas Eve she sang a duet with my mother in church, and we are now NC as well.

This is an extreme example, but your brother's story reminded me of this. Not many people are going to bite the hand that feeds them. It feels so awful to realize that our family members just don't care about us the way we do them.

[Jeral]

I am so sorry you are going through this, my experience with my brother is so similar. I went NC with my folks and I live pretty far and he is local, the first few months into NC we had our same relationship, then after a normal convo I reached out again about a week later, he and his gf told me to never contact them again. It hurt worse than anything my PD parents ever did because I realized they too were brought into the fog, they also rely on them financially as well. I told him I wish we could've talked about how he was feeling with no response. Like others have said, our brothers are now different, just as we are. Sending you warm wishes as you deal with this pain <3

[blacksheep7]

Been there.  I'm sorry.

Others gave you good insight.  Money talks.

I thought that my brother and I had a very good relationship until he married my gfriend, not a good match in the first place.  Two unhappy people that did not evolve, enmeshed.  Brother did not have any relationship with us because his wife didn't want to.  She died of cancer.  He's back after 35 years because he is alone now, no children, hardly knew mine and his other blood nieces and nephews, saw them the most 4-5 times.   The first year was fun, like we were teenagers again but reality settled in and I saw his true colors which did not fit well with me, he was an alcoholic and very co-dependent.  Fine, he chose to drink but when you disrespect the people around you, not okay.
He would flip his phone pictures of  his nieces and nephews.   That wasn't necessary.   

I saw who he was as an Adult.  I decided to go nc with him and NM did not like that, all hell broke loose. NM enables him because of $$$$$
I would have had to forgive him Again, like the family celebrations that he never attended.  NO. 

He tried to reconnect, I'm not interested.  He hasn't changed. He lives 1.5 hrs away and comes to visit NM once a month and pays her groceries etc...making up for his absence.

He was more absent than present in my life.