His new girlfriend asked me if he's abusive..

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Hattie

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His new girlfriend asked me if he's abusive..
« on: April 17, 2019, 11:14:09 AM »
Hi gang,

Advice needed. My ex's new girlfriend contacted me in Facebook today to ask if he has a pattern of being abusive. She says he has been verbally abusive to her and that she is worried it will escalate to physical abuse. She asked if he was physically abusive to me. (He was a bit albeit infrequently-mainly the abuse was verbal).

Thoughts on how to handle this? I would sort of like to tell her the truth. She has a couple of kids, which is a factor. On the other hand, I am worried that my ex will find out, or that she will mention what I have said in an argument or something... I do not want him getting angry with me...

So what to do? I am wondering about just reflecting back what she has said to me without actually commenting on my experiences : "ok, so you're worried you are in an abusive relationship and that it is escalating. I'm not sure I can add anything "  Or maybe speaking to her on the phone and not putting anything in writing...

I have called a domestic violence helpline to ask their opinion and am waiting to hear back.

Would appreciate any thoughts.

Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

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coyote

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Re: His new girlfriend asked me if he's abusive..
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2019, 11:23:33 AM »
Hard decision to make Hattie. I do like the idea of not putting anything in writing. I do like your response though of putting it back on her. It will be interesting to see what the DV line says.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: His new girlfriend asked me if he's abusive..
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2019, 11:40:49 AM »
Hello Hattie!

She put you in a tough spot.  I TOTALLY agree with Coyote.  If you communicate with her (especially in writing) you open yourself up to potentially being triangulated in their drama.  I am usually a big fan of women sticking together and helping each other out of a bad situation but in this case I think she has to find her own way Out of the FOG.  The good news for her is that she is in the 'questioning' stage which for me was beginning of my education about BPD.  Hopefully she will get the advice she needs from someone in her own circle.

Not your circus, not your monkey.   ((( hug )))
Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which rebuilt my life.  JK Rowling

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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Hattie

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Re: His new girlfriend asked me if he's abusive..
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2019, 11:48:35 AM »
Thanks guys. Sad dog mommy- yeah she is clearly questioning everything and has worked it that his behaviour is abusive. I am kind of thinking that it is already a pretty extreme measure for her to contact me at all. So I think she will figure it out herself before long...

And yeah, you are right about the risk of triangulation. He regularly tries to involve me by complaining to me about her, and now she is trying to involve me... It is not ideal really! I do not want to be the rescuer in this little drama triangle I must say
« Last Edit: April 17, 2019, 11:59:27 AM by Hattie »
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

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findjoy81

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Re: His new girlfriend asked me if he's abusive..
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2019, 01:19:46 PM »
I agree with turning the question to her.  Maybe direct her to resources that define what abuse is so she can do her own research, but you'd rather not discuss your experiences with her.  Definitely a fine line that could lead to negative consequences if you opened the door too far. 

I would think, if you're questioning whether it's abuse or not; more than likely, it is. 

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notrightinthehead

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Re: His new girlfriend asked me if he's abusive..
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2019, 01:38:32 PM »
Difficult decision. Are you scared that he will harm you if you tell her of your experience with him? I just wonder if by not speaking the truth, that he was abusive in your relationship, you are keeping the silence and continue to cover up for him.

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Hattie

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Re: His new girlfriend asked me if he's abusive..
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2019, 01:49:56 PM »
I'm worried he will dysregulate big time if he feels she and I are ganging up on him. I don't know if he would physically attack me but I could see him for example abducting my cat  (he threatened this when we split).

He also has called me to ask if he could move back in last time they had a big falling out so that will prob happen again if they split. I will say no obviously, but I could do without it!

I am also a bit pissed off with this woman tbh, as she had a year long affair with him while he was still with me. So as far as I'm concerned, she enabled his abuse of me. So not sure how far I am prepared to go to "help" her. She has kids who are blameless though.
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

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coyote

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Re: His new girlfriend asked me if he's abusive..
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2019, 02:01:21 PM »
Especially now that you say there was an affair I would say she has made her own bed and now she can lie in it, no pun intended. But seriously it does seem best for you to stay out of it all together. I have no doubt she will figure it out if she has not already.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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clara

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Re: His new girlfriend asked me if he's abusive..
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2019, 02:08:35 PM »
I'd think of it like this--is this something you would do?  You're in a relationship you're starting to question, and your instinct is to go back to the ex and ask their opinion?  Really?  Sounds like there's an agenda going on here and you're better off not getting involuntarily dragged back into his life.  Yeah, she may be sincere and honestly want to know, but I have my doubts.   If I was in her place, I wouldn't turn to you looking for answers, I'd turn to friends or others who would have a more objective viewpoint.  I wouldn't trust your opinion (i.e., I would suspect of you being biased because you're the ex and I'm the one who he was cheating with). 

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Hattie

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Re: His new girlfriend asked me if he's abusive..
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2019, 02:12:06 PM »
Yeah, good point, Clara. It is a bit weird, isn't it? It seems a bit like drama - seeking, doesn't it? Which makes me think that she will just tell my ex anything that I say...
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

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Liftedfog

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Re: His new girlfriend asked me if he's abusive..
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2019, 02:31:53 PM »
She had an affair with your ex and now she is seeking your advice?  Sorry but I don't trust her motives.   Ignore her.  Don't answer her or just block her.  She will figure it out on her own.  I have no sypmathy for her at all.  Did she think she would score an honest and loving family man when she hooked up with a lying, cheating married man?   Sorry.  I just don't feel sorry for her.    And whatever answer you give will bring drama.  So just gnore her completely.  You don't owe her anything.  I might feel different if they met after your separation.  Sounds like her moral compass is off.  Not your pig. Not your farm.   

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Hattie

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Re: His new girlfriend asked me if he's abusive..
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2019, 07:33:23 PM »
Haha, thanks LiftedFog. You are on point.

The DV line said that although it is a difficult situation, I should prioritise my own well being. They said I was not obliged to discuss my experiences with anyone. They confirmed that I shouldn't put anything in writing. They agreed it was best to be quite vague if I do reply and let her read between the lines. I'm thinking of saying something like "I am not prepared to discuss this. You sound very upset and worried so I suggest you talk to family and or friends". They also suggested I might give her the DV hotline number.

She actually just sent me another message (third one today!) saying sorry for her earlier messages, and that she realises they were inappropriate. The DV line said I should wait a few days before replying so that I feel comfortable with any response I do give, so I won't reply to that message either! Lord have mercy
« Last Edit: April 17, 2019, 07:37:50 PM by Hattie »
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.