I may have convinced DH to get his own therapy

[Call Me Cordelia]

Posting about it because I know a lot of you also have foggy spouses.

I approached it from the perspective I can see he's really suffering in this situation not of his making. It's hard for us all to see. It's not fair that he suffers from this, especially mostly alone, and for obvious reasons I'm not the best person to help him. (NC with his parents for me and our children, which he still doesn't fully agree with but he's smart and respectful enough not to go behind my back on it.) What prompted this discussion was that yesterday was his uNM's birthday, and he mentioned the fact to our kids. So I had to call him out on that.    Not fair to prompt "I'll make her a card!" When he knows they won't be sent. He still hopes for reconciliation, and is angry that I have zero desire for that. But I made the conversation about him.

It helps he's a very logical person (normally). He was resistant to the idea of therapy, because the problem was that he hasn't been able to find a solution to this problem, and he'll feel fine once it's fixed. So, what's needed for that to happen? For me, it's I need to see understanding of their abuse, genuine sorrow, and change over time. Which he accepts. He's okay with feeling horrible until that happens? He said they just don't know what to do. Okay, and do you think you are able to tell them in a way they will receive? Well I haven't so far...

Yesterday he texts his mom "Happy Birthday" and she replied what she really wanted for her birthday is pictures of the kids... I confess I burst out laughing when he told me this. Oh, the guilt!  So predictable. He looked hurt, and then said he knew I would react that way. He just feels so torn, because he knows he can't give her what she wants but he feels so bad for putting his parents through this.  You're putting them through this? Yes, that's why you need to talk to someone other than me who understands PDs. it might be a long time like this. He's also stuck on decisions about seeing his family on his own, and said that yes seeing a counselor might help with that.

I do have a question for you all though: He said his preference would be to see the same therapist that I went to, and whom we saw together for three sessions. Because she knows the background and PDs. I'm no longer going to her, because I switched to EMDR on her recommendation. Would that be advisable for my DH to go to the same person I went to?

[coyote]

I would think the T would give you feedback on how this would work.

[all4peace]

I think that generally couples share a marriage therapist, but have their own individual therapists, which would be a total of 3 different therapists.

For me in my life, that didn't work and I didn't want to keep repeating the same story over and over, and we don't have many therapists to choose from. When I found one who could start getting to the root of things, this T now sees me, DH and both of us together. I don't think that's typical, though, and definitely has complications.