Something has to give

[Pepin]

The more inner work and inquiry I do for myself, the more bad/sad/mad I feel about DH and his situation with PDmil.  It was nice having him have a respite from PDmil for a few weeks and this morning he flatly admitted that since he hasn't seen her for a few weeks that maybe we should have dinner together.  He dropped in to visit her two weeks ago and left frustrated and sensing that her competency was slipping.  Last weekend we were able to regroup as a family and just relax.  This weekend is partly busy.  It is Easter but we have no plans to celebrate though that doesn't mean that I want to include PDmil either.  She doesn't even understand the significance of the holiday whether religious or commercial -- she just thinks it is a time to robotically meet.  But as I have come to expect now, when we get together she only interacts with DH.  Her English at this point is likely gone as her mental capacity continues to decline or she is keeping up with her game of ignoring the girls and I.  I don't want to be a part of that game and I relish the opportunity for her to speak in English so I can challenge her on the spot about why she does what she does!  In a sense I want her to take a jab at me so I can prove to myself that I am secure enough to handle it...but I also am sick to my stomach at having to even lay eyes on a human being like her.

As for DH, I have this lava inside of me that is getting ready to explode because I want to also challenge myself as to why I feel the need for him to stand up to his mother on behalf of himself, his marriage and his children.  He is stuck in the endless loop of thinking that he needs to honor his parents wishes (FIL passed away 7 years ago) and I cannot understand this.  The guilt that he carries over PDmil being a widow "before her time" is crazy making.  And the other suitcase of guilt that I think he carries is that he knows he has done too much for his parents as an enabler and now it just cannot be undone with a frail and elderly PDmil calling the shots.  It would make him seem like an uncaring son -- yet of the 4 children in his family, two hardly do anything with PDmil and the 3rd is somewhat in the same boat as DH but has taken advantage of PDmil financially as a way of leveling the field.  In the respect of the latter, DH has done no such thing against his mother but in turn has contributed to a lot of unneeded aggravation within our marriage and family.  Let me be clear when I say that the kids and I have no love for PDmil anymore and we just tolerate her for the sake of DH while he continues to forge on with her lunacy.

The other part of all of this is that there are cultural demands in play here that I was not raised with nor can I wrap my head around.  As much as PDmil claims to be lax about what her culture expects of hierarchy and familial roles, I call foul.  What she says and what she does are two completely different things.  She tells DH what he wants to hear and then goes ahead and pushes for what she wants.  In her culture, the firstborn son is supposed to become the head of the family after FIL.  This has not happened for two reasons: 1) DH's older brother lives far away and 2) DH's older brother is neither trustworthy or smart.  BIL has had his messes cleaned up over and over -- never learning his lesson.  As a result, DH, the younger brother, has been promoted to head of the family but with PDmil having the final say in important decisions that affect HER immediate family.  This has been extremely difficult for me to swallow.  In essence, DH is responsible for his mother, his older brother and more or less his two sisters to a degree -- i.e. making sure his sisters get what PDmil leaves them in her Will.  DH will however have to financially oversee his brother even after PDmil is gone, rather than letting him fall flat on his face. 

Where does this leave me?  It leaves me to work harder at building stronger boundaries with both PDmil and my own husband.  It forces me to have conversations with my kids about the crazy that we deal with and that we will get through this.  It necessitates the will that my kids will NOT end up in a situation like this if they choose to get married - and they can clearly see this now as teens.  And lastly, all of this highlights how sad the entire situation is over the fact that one person can be so completely destructive and suck so many people down with her. 

I am surprised that DH has not collapsed from the huge and heavy burden that he carries by being placed in the situation that he is in.  I am REALLY doing my best to not poke the hornet's nest for him.  As always, I continue to pray and wish for him to one day see the light because I KNOW he can diffuse it if he really wanted to.  But for whatever his laundry list of reasons are (from above) he just cannot do it.  In turn DH continues to become less of the man I knew and married....a man that is now exhausted and unhealthy.  I worry that asking him to do small things that he used to do will cause him to self destruct....and I have been quietly picking up his slack, which sadly could leave him feeling less than...I do things now for me because I want them done, whether it is DH's job or not. 

IDK, I know these are some ramblings as I try to sort out where we are.  Either way, something has got to give in order for there to be healthy change.   

[Alexmom]

I can really relate to your IL situation as I also had a MIL - from a different culture - who wouldn't speak English in my presence, and who was a manipulative, needy vampire that clinged onto my DH as well as her other son.  My DH was raised to feel responsible for her and the rest of his FOO.  He was parentified as young boy.  My MIL was the source of all kinds of problems in our marriage.  She competed with me for DH's loyalty, and played mean girl games like not speaking English to exclude me from conversations with DH then feigned ignorance or hopelessness when she was called on it.  I grew to really dislike her.

In any event, I ended up going NC with my MIL and the rest of DH's FOO just before she was diagnosed with cancer.  This was 5 years ago.  It was the BEST decision I could make for myself and my marriage.  It brought me so much peace.  My MIL passed away last August, which also brought me an added layer of peace.  What is holding you back from doing the same with your MIL?  I just see no reason for you to continue on with your MIL and you've been struggling with this for a long time.   

P.S.  My DH maintained contact with his mom after I went contact, but we often discussed and agreed on just the amount of time he would spend at his mom's house helping out, and if it conflicted with our family activities or time, we took priority.  Also, DH has continued to work focusing on being responsible for himself only and letting his FOO and all the manipulative games they play to try to rope him back in go, and is in a much better place these days.   Me going NC helped him get to this place as I was no longer available to participate or help DH out when it came to his FOO. 

[Pepin]

Thanks Alexmom - I am sorry that you also had to go through similar.  But it is obvious how much you and even your DH have grown and I appreciate you sharing with me. 

I have thought many times about going NC with PDmil but sadly have gotten stuck thinking that she or DH would have a turn around.  To date this obviously has not happened.  I have also tried to view their relationship from a place of compassion but in the big picture what does their relationship actually teach me or our children?  If my children were to get married would they put me ahead of their spouse and any children they might have?  Would I constantly be turning to my adult children to get my needs met if I became a widow or if my husband was not fulfilling what I needed?

I am absolutely at the point where I see no need to include PDmil in my life anymore.  I literally have nothing to offer her.  There is no communication and the times where I have reached out she really doesn't want it so why should I keep offering?  She is telling me to leave her alone.  As for our children, when has PDmil reached out to them or even shared any sort of wisdom on them when they were struggling?  This is something that she is unable to do and I do not know why.  Most grandmothers consider their grandchildren to be gifts but PDmil does not.

And DH -- how can he think that everyone must love his mother the way he does?  When she first met me she was upset that I was the wrong race and culture but DH stood firm.  She knew that I would cause waves within the "protocol" by being who I am.  She figured that if she gave me the cold shoulder long enough, that DH would discard me, but he did not.  Despite that rough beginning with her, DH and I moved on with our lives, married and started our own family.  But unknowingly, DH got hooked. 

7 years ago FIL passed away from cancer.  It was a harrowing short amount of time before he was claimed after his diagnosis -- after waiting too long to act on symptoms.  Of course, PDmil was upset, knowing that his end was near.  And she gave up on him in the hospital (which brings me to tears).  She just couldn't be there with him anymore because she didn't understand anything and was tired.  DH ended up filling in for her which I feel badly about.  PDmil's lifelong partner was left to fend for himself without her during his final days because she just couldn't be there for him anymore.  Arguably all the attnetion YES was supposed to be on FIL but PDmil instead made it about her.  Such a sad way for FIL to leave this earth without his wife by his side.

*sigh* I have been afraid to go NC with PDmil for fear of what DH would say.  But I now feel that at this point that I can speak up because PDmil's behavior has clearly demonstrated that she does not need me in her life anymore.  It does not make sense for me to visit with her or interact with her when she just sits there.  She doesn't even look at me.  Years ago she would answer my questions by first looking to DH (who angrily told her to answer me and not him as if I was some sort of bad person) and then she would answer questions with one word.  Who does this?!  PDs.  She has wanted to spend every holiday or birthday either having all attention on her or alone with DH.  And when we get together, she pretends like she is alone with DH while the rest of us look on with an awkward silence. 

So yes, it is time to move on and have NC with PDmil.  It is also time for DH to start working on himself and I have no idea what it will take for him to realize this before it is too late.  Somehow I always felt that if I did the work for both of us that things would be alright but now it is too much for me.  I cannot change him -- even though I know he can change since he already did (for the negative) after we were married.  I think he can reverse himself.  He just needs good reasons why.

[qcdlvl]

Pepin, you mention the role cultural and family expectations have played in your IL dynamics and in your DH's actions. So I thought you might find some of my FOO background useful/interesting as a comparison:
I'm from a Latin culture, so generally cultural expectations of ties/loyalty to FOO, especially extended FOO, are much stronger than they are in mainstream American culture. Now, on my F's side, my great grandmother was clearly the family matriarch and my great grandfather was her enabler - to a clearly pathological degree. My GGF proved willing to throw his own children from a previous marriage under the bus to please his wife, who wanted them out os fight, out of mind, while her own child from a previous marriage was the GC, far more favored than the children they had together, and after my GGF's death this GC was the only one my GGM would defer to. This, while not truly rare, is far from universal in this country. So my GM, their child (a sort of secondary GC as her F's GC, but nowhere near the overall GC), kind of grew with these expectations about there being a family matriarch, etc, and had "fleas" from her upbringing. Anyhow, my GM clearly had the expectation that my F, her firstborn, would eventually be a sort of fixer/rescuer/responsible party for the family, and that he would eventually be like the head of the family (but with the emphasis on responsabilities, not on authority - perhaps a bit like your DH's position). My F is by nature strong-willed, so while he did act as the main support for my grandparents in their old age (did more for them than his siblings put together), he dropped the rope on caretaking/rescuing/bailing out his siblings (and thus on the whole cultural/FOO expectations about it). There was a lot of conflict around it, but he did it, and without going NC with anyone (although at one time it was a close thing). There were other complicating factors, like a PD marrying into the extended family, but a big factor was dashed expectations of what role my F would play. My point is that while FOO and cultural expectations (which are related, but distinct) can be very powerful, it is possible to defy them, though inevitably at a high cost in terms of conflict.
Back to your own situation, it does sound like you going NC or nearly so with your MIL is the healthiest for you, as it doesn't seem she brings anything positive into your life. I'm sorry it's this way, especially as you've clearly tried so hard to have a cordial relationship with her. I hope you find peace and healing.