After my husband

[Adria]

I am stymied!  Dh and I work at the same company. Works great for us.  The company just hired two new women. Both almost 20 years younger than me.  I have gone out of my way to make sure things are going well for them, and to make sure they are comfortable.  One seemed to buddy up to me rather quickly. However, I found out today from a very reliable source that this woman has told people about plans to go after my husband. She has been asking around about personal questions regarding dh and I.  She doesn't seem to care if I know or that I am working there. No shame or being sneaky about it. Just all out blatant.

She is super sensitive. If anyone looks at her cross eyed, she runs to Human Resources. Meanwhile, the other new girl has already landed her boss (the husband of a friend of mine). Once again without any secrecy, just putting it all out there like a neh, neh.

Is this a new normal?  Have people become so cold and indifferent that they just come right out in the open about something like this?  How much nerve can someone have? 

I told dh, and he couldn't believe how disrespectful she is, and said he will shut her down at every turn.  I'm not worried about dh. It's just that the disrespect toward me is something that I am quite upset about.

The other office women are appalled as we have not had this in the office to speak of before. Needless to say, these two have befriended each other, I'm sure to compare notes.

What should I do? How do I treat this woman?  I can hardly look at her.  I've just been walking by not acknowledging her presence, but she still tries to be so sweet to me that it's nauseating. Yuck!

[moglow]

Some people have no morals, no pride, no manners. Guarantee she's bounced from job to job doing this kind of thing, and never thinks a thing of it.

I'd keep it brief, polite and work related at all times. I wouldn't be blatantly rude but I wouldn't be her buddy either.

[clara]

I think often people who do things like this do it because they feel they have something to prove--to themselves, to others, or who knows.  They have no feelings about it beyond the ego boost it gives them.  In the case of them being possible PD, I had a PD friend who thought nothing of going after the SO or spouse of a friend, co-worker, relative etc.  Their relationship status meant nothing to him, all that mattered was what he wanted and having his needs filled.  He would talk about his conquests quite casually, never considering the damage he did or even recognizing it as damage.  He would even hurt himself by his behavior, such as gaining a bad reputation among friends or co-workers for how he used people, but he still wouldn't stop.  As far as he was concerned, as long as he was the one doing it, it wasn't wrong (but if someone tried to do it to him--look out!). 

[Adria]

Clara and Moglow,

I think you are both right.  She's another one that can dish it out, but can't take it.  It's just maddening when she acted like my friend, while hunting my husband.  Dh is on to her. They passed each other in the hallway today. Dh didn't say anything to her. He said she put her head down and kept walking, so obviously she realizes we know what she was up to. She will probably move onto the next. I doubt she will last very long at work. They already moved her to another department because she couldn't do her job.

Thank you so much for your input. Maybe I can simmer down now . Hugs, Adria

[Associate of Daniel]

This is my uNPD exH's uNPD wife.

I was always the 3rd wheel in their relationship. Even while he and I were married for 13 years.

When I think back to the things she used to say to me during our marriage that made it abundently clear they were seeing each other, it still shocks me how blatent she was.

It sounds like (and I certainly hope that) your dh is on the right page. Mine certainly wasn't.

I hope this all goes away for you soon.

AOD

[cookiecat]

I had an ex-friend who would go after the marrried hockey dads from her daughters team after she became single.  I always felt that she figured if she was suffering (bad divorce) then other women should suffer too/no big deal.  I also felt that it fed her ego that these men would be willing to cross a line just to be around her.  But I also thought she was getting played a bit because these men would discuss their "stale" marriages with her and how their wives "didn't put out anymore" and of course she had to be better than their wives....  It was all just so strange.  To make a point of going after a married person from the get go (vs accidentally getting feelings for someone over a long period of time, which still not cool, but less manipulative).    The real self-esteem of these women must be so low...

[Adria]

 Associate of Daniel,

Yeah, it sounds like they all come from the same playbook.

[Adria]

Cookiecat,

I get the third wheel thing with dh's ex.  Mine wasn't seeing her, but she sure ran the show for a number of years. At one point, I told him to go back to his wife.

I'm so sorry you had to live with them seeing each other. That would be really horrible. Ugh!

Thank you for your kind words.

[NoVoice357]

Hi Adria,

Glad to learn they moved her to another department. However, since this could happen again, I just wanted to mention a couple of things.

Highly manipulative people are intrusive. They want as much information as possible either to use as ammunition against us or for their own motives. They ignore our boundaries but it does not mean we cannot do anything about it.  We have to know our answers to intrusive questions beforehand  (I don't feel like discussing this right now ; I'm busy, I have other things to do; The topic is closed...) and not when it is too late. Also, how we are going to respond - without showing any emotion, using medium chill.

she still tries to be so sweet to me that it's nauseating

A manipulation tactic to make you trust her. Never let your guard down, especially when dealing with intrusive people you have just met.

Since there is always the possibility of new NPDs being hired, I would protect myself by not sharing anything personal (or at least as little as possible) with other colleagues.

I wish you a Happy Easter

[Adria]

No Voice,

Great post!  That all makes sense and fits her to a T. I have a couple of friends at work that I've shared some things with, but after reading your post, I think I will keep things mostly professional from here on out.  One thing I've learned is loyalty changes in a day where I work, so I will heed your words of wisdom. Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate them.

Happy Easter to you.