uNMIL and EnFIL visiting, working on boundaries

[Breakthrough]

Hi,

So MIL of course tried forcing a hug on me when she arrived yesterday.  My response was no thank you, and moving away quickly.  I always feel her unwanted hugs are so fake because she is all about forcing what she wants on her puppets (us, or at least in my mind she thinks of us as puppets to do her will as a N).  I have been very uncomfortable with hugging her since my first pregnancy where she had manhandled me and pushed me.  I just feel this sense of like the hug is a power struggle to her and I refuse to give up my body autonomy.  I have reluctantly hugged her in front of others in order to save her embarrassment, but I am not giving up my freedom to choose who touches me when it's just us and them. 

Sorry, this all may sound like it's coming out of left field, I am a mom to a 6 and 4 year old, both girls, and realized reading about how predators can groom small kids (in order to abuse them sexually).  Now, my MIL is nothing like that, but she is grooming them and did groom me to receive a different kind of N abuse.  I don't want her to think she can.  I don't like her hugs and as much as I want to refuse them All the time, I don't in front of her family.  to My kids I always say "give a hug if you want", so they know it's their choice.  In general they want to give a hug, they do love her, my husband does realize we need boundaries with her (even though he is still fogged), so we do limit visits. 

At any rate, this is me learning, but also turning 40 a few years ago now, I am just feeling done with letting people do what they want.  I don't like it and you don't have my consent, sure it's just a hug but no still means no lady. 

[Solong]

You're right on to protect your boundaries. Keep it up!

[all4peace]

This is such an interesting topic. We as a society are expected to "politely" accept whatever touch someone else gives to us (within a range) without comment or refusal. I have an uNBPDmil and uNBPDm and uNfil who all impose unwanted touch on me. What I notice is they do it in ways that make it very difficult for me to say "no thanks" or to even know it's about to happen (they often come up from behind or my blind spot).

I asked about this in T, specifically about not wanting hugs from M. My T said that the right to say "no" to any kind of touch was very fundamental, and that giving up that right can lead to insanity. I realized also that I ask my own children for permission to hug them (as does T for his children) and so most of us understand that it is not our "right" to touch others whenever we feel like it, if they don't want it.

People who don't appreciate boundaries, of course, aren't going to see if this way. When I first articulated with M that I don't want to be hugged by her, she acted like I was a dangerous rabid dog and wouldn't come within 10-20 ft of me. Then she started coming up from behind in public (rarely see her, but she just did this recently) and touching me before I have a chance to know she's there or to react (mil, bil, sil and fil also do this to me and DD, repeatedly).

I think you handled it wonderfully, and ditto with your kids!