Agreement Wording - Request Response Time

[HopefulOne44]

Hello Friends ..

I need some help.. 

Our MSA was drafted and signed, and the Final Judgement is being drafted now (ableit very slowly, by my attorney).

Over spring break it has become apparent that I will need to add language to the judgement so that Stbx uBPh will have to give definite answers within a reasonable time, where it comes to when he'd like to see our 2 DSs...

He basically gives partial, ambiguous or indefinite info  about when he want to see them despite my clearly asking for him to consider that the kids feel much better knowing when they are going to see him.

I'm sure some may relate to this - my kids asking "when are we going to see Daddy?" all the time.   

It's not really because they are eager to see him, but coming more from just needing to KNOW when, so that they are mentally prepared.

Having plans up in the air undermines their stability and peace!

I already emailed my attorney, but am thinking they will ask me what I'd like to add *specficially*. 

By the way, I'm not all that sure that they can add anything without my PDs consent, or if they can and it will just be up to PD to read the Final before signing.

Can anyone help with my questions and/or how to word my request? 

I'm not even really clear on what a 'reasonable' timeframe would be for him to get back to me about these things; at least according to the law.  It is however, very clear to me when things have gotten to an unreasonable point.

Oh, I'm especially interested in wording that denotes CONSEQUENCES.

Thanks in advance!

Blessings... HopefulOne44

[Associate of Daniel]

Would it be bettee to draw up court orders that state when ex is to see the children?

Eg:  from Friday 3.15 until Sunday 12pm.

On his birthday from 3.15 for 4 hours etc.

That way, it becomes a routine that you can both work with.

Consequences?  When it comes to not abiding by court orders there are none. Not unless you want to routinely call the police on the ex and take him back to court.

But you could perhaps word it something like, "if either party foregoes their time with the children, such time will not be remunerated."

Either way, make the wording extremely specific so that there can be no misinterpretation.

(Although my pd always finds different ways to interpret things.)

The go to, one size fits all, court orders  DO NOT WORK with pds.  So put the work in now to get as much detail in to it as possible.

Also, be prepared to revisit and change them every few years as the children's needs and interests change.

48 hours is, I think, the generally accepted time frame for requests to change plans etc.

AOD

[athene1399]

I agree with AoD, the more specific the better. I also like her idea of the "if the time is lost then it will not be made up."

But if you can't do anything specific, my SO's says "Visitation as agreed upon." Which I feel is annoying, but his attorney always said that means SO has the power. If he felt BM was becoming unstable he didn't have to give SD over. If that's more the route you want to take maybe do something like "Visitation as agreed upon, requested a week in advance..." or whatever you want your limit to be. Put down what you feel is best for the kids. I feel the week is not too much in advance and it will give your kids the chance to plan. I feel anything less than three days may be too annoying, but I personally hate things sprung on me. So that's personal preference IMO. Your agreement will be the law, so technically it's whatever you and your ex can agree on and put in writing is the legal limit IMO.

Me personally, I would have preferred the set schedule. But as AoD said, there's nothing to make them follow even that unless you want to spend the money to take them to court for not listening to it  or threaten calling the police.

[findjoy81]

I'm curious how much time you would *like* to have in advance of the visit.

We go crazy because my husband's ex doesn't communicate until the day of or until she is already late; which adds stress to us/our plans and to the kids.  It is a little easier now that they are older - if we had something planned that night at church or someplace, we don't have to drop our plans waiting for her to maybe show up.  She claims we are "rigid" and expect too much of her because her work hours allegedly change at the last minute - but really, we just need to know.  Like, are we feeding them?  Do we need to make arrangements for them?  It's annoying. 

Being as clear as possible will help in your agreement.  Not that it necessarily will make him comply, but it will help with your sanity to an extent.

[Penny Lane]

My husband's order says they're supposed to respond to each other in three days or more quickly if the other parent requests it. But that doesn't stop his ex from getting back with the vague non-answers you described. So even if she's technically replying within three days she can drag out a discussion for weeks by not participating in any meaningful discussion.

It sounds like he doesn't have set visitation times, you're just supposed to work it out, is that right? I think a provision that he needs to give you at least a week's notice that he wants to spend time with the kids is reasonable.

Also, I think outside of the court documents you can just set some boundaries on your own. I don't think any reasonable court would expect you to cancel plans because your ex decided to tell you at the last minute that he wants to see the kids.

Instead of saying "are you going to see the kids on XX day? Please let m know, it's not good for them to have that uncertainty" (and then following up a whole bunch) what if you said this: "Do you want to have visitation with the kids on XX day from (time) to (time)? Please let me know by Monday, otherwise I'll make other plans." And then if he gives you a vague nonanswer: "It sounds to me like you're not planning on seeing the kids so I've made other plans. Do you want to try for YY day at the same time?"

And then, at least the first time, actually do make other plans. Even if it's just movie tickets or an outing with some of their friends. The key to this strategy is actually enforcing the deadline, while looking like you're trying hard to accommodate him. (And you are trying to accommodate him! Just not in a way that's disruptive to you and the kids).

Obviously this depends on what the existing order says, but I think you could even do a modified version of this if he does have set parenting time and the issue is that he's often not using it.

Setting this sort of boundaries with H's ex has slowwwwwly improved the situation, although she often has a giant meltdown before she starts working within the boundaries. Our situation is so far from perfect but the boundaries definitely help us live with the chaos that seems to surround her at all times.