** Update to last post- She just doesn't stop

Started by Nakedtruth01, April 18, 2019, 11:01:11 PM

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Nakedtruth01

**update** last week my son celebrated a bday.  She contacts my DH telling him she is going to leave his gift on our porch.  My DH told her no, he wanted to sit down and talk to her and would get it then.  We had made a therapy appointment to figure all this out with her and he was waiting to address anything with her until after that appointment.   So several times over the next week she asked to drop the gift off on the porch.  (Because it's totally normal to leave a 4 year olds present on the porch and not be asking to actually give it to him) but anyway each and every time he told her No I will get it when we talk.  Well this morning we had our therapy.  It went well, I think DH is finally getting it a little more and was going to address a few things with her per our therapists advice, mainly about her trying to come between his marriage and addressing her smear campaigns. Before we could figure out a time that would work and he could even reach out setting something up with her, when we went to my sons preschool today to pick him up, THERES THE GIFT. Hanging on his coat hook.  I was livid!!  I dont believe she actually was able to see him but I will get confirmation from the school on that tomorrow.  But just the fact that she once again disrespected our wishes and did what she knows damn well was not okay with us.   So after seeing that my husband texted her asking if tomorrow night would work for him to come by and she has still not responded.  My guess is she won't, as her way to control this and have it her way and not let my DH have an opportunity to say his piece. I'm not sure where to go from here if she continues to ignore him and beyond that I really wanted to hear what other peoples takes on all of this was. I don't believe this gift was about my son at all. It was about her saying "f*&^ you, I will give this to him when I want". Another way to put it blatantly in our faces that she doesnt give a damn what we say. That's my take but please let me know your thoughts.

bloomie

Nakedtruth01 - Hi there and I apologize that this went for a few days without response. :hug:

I know this maneuver you are describing all too well and how frustrating and energy sucking the manipulations can be. I am sorry this is happening.

Did you find out if your mil was able to see your child without your permission? I would be just as eager as you are to know what happened there for starters.

It must be really reassuring that your DH and you are seeing the issues and are in unity as you find help and advice from a therapist and make decisions around how best to hold your boundaries and go forward with a recalcitrant mil who deliberately works around your stated boundaries so avoid having to sit face to face with her son and talk.

An important type of relational currency in my in law family is gifts. It is part of the paradigm that was in place long before I came along and what gifts "do" can accomplish a myriad of things in that dysfunctional system entitling the family member giving the gift privileges and relationship despite any and all misconduct and disrespectful behaviors. Gifts - in my in law family, are always and forever about the giver's needs, position, to usurp and reclaim a position that is "theirs", to manipulate, avoid consequences, and most importantly to impose control, to FOG and confuse. Gifts are not about the recipient.

It is not surprising that the power struggle you all experienced over a gift for a child started with when and how the gift would be given. It seems that possibly there were at least two things at play... one, your mil is the grandmother and she will give gifts and retain the privileges of a grandmother despite the stated wishes of you, the child's parents. And done so with an audience of "see what a loving grandmother I am" at your child's school. :no:

And secondly, she is covertly and passively avoiding a one on one conversation with her son, negating his position in his own family, while aggressively claiming her relational place of honor and intimacy with your child and asserting a certain undue authority imv.

I believe you are onto her and this chaps your hide because you know the underlying power struggles and disrespect that this boundary busting behavior indicates. This may be an attempt to put you all in a double bind with her looking golden and you all looking like withholding, unreasonable parents to a generous grandma who only wanted to deliver a gift. You don't have to let it back you into a corner.

Talk this through with each other and possibly with your T and find the best and right path forward. In our own case with one uPD in law who insisted on gifting, but like your mil refused to manage her disrespectful behaviors and have a face to face conversation about the fractured and trouble relationship we ACTUALLY had we stopped pursuing trying to talk to someone who tacitly and then outrightly refused and we adjusted the level of intimacy and contact we had to a level that reflects the actual state of the relationship.

Strength and wisdom to you as you figure out how best to handle this.

The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

Peaceforme

#2
My MIL is a big love bomber and gift giver. We are vvvvlc and she doesn't really show much interest in the kids besides giving huge gifts.
The way we handle it is to not acknowledge the gift at all via phone call or text. If she asks to meet to exchange the gift, we ignore. If she texts asking what they would like, we ignore. Once the gift has been received (usually by shipping), We go through it and hold back anything that is excessive or not appropriate, give them the rest of it, and have our oldest send a short thank you card in the mail.
It's not up to her expectation of flattery so over time the gifts have gotten smaller and it isn't as much of an issue. Hope this helps!
Also, we have letters on file at the kids schools and have notified them that she is not to see them. That needs to be done ASAP. No excuse for a gift to be left on your sons coat hook by someone who is (I'm assuming) not on your list of approved guests/pick up people.

all4peace

I could duplicate nearly everything Bloomie has said as regards my ILs and gifts. Same dynamic here in my life. We got very, very grey rock about gifts so as not to feed the drama. When uNBPDmil started getting very manipulative and game-playing about gifts, we opted out entirely. For my own mental health, I work really hard to not let a lot of energy get attached to their gift-giving drama. If it is gifted to me, I give it away immediately, burn the card and put it out of my mind. If it comes to our kids, they write a thank-you. If it comes to DH, he acknowledges with a text. Our physical boundaries (finally) aren't violated, and we try to not let it violate our emotional or spiritual boundaries, either.

It sure can become a nightmare when they're using gift-giving as a manipulation technique! Did your T give you any good advice?

In future, I would suggest considering not acknowledging ANY gift that is given outside of your stated boundaries or any common-sense boundaries. I would consider not acknowledging any gift left at school.