Is your PD obsessive about everything to not be close?

[Samuel S.]

Throughout the years, I have noticed a trend that grows exponentially in which my PDw gets obsessive about everything. First, she was the loving, supportive spouse until she decided to get into marital arts which consumed her during the hours she didn't work. Then, she started studying acupuncture which again consumed her time beyond her work. Then, she joked that I should be having another woman in my life, because she is so busy. Now that she has completed her MA, she is studying for her doctorate degree. Now, she has completed 4 major tests. Now, she has 300 hours to intern.

While all of this seems admirable and standard, she freely admits she is doing all this so she doesn't have to feel the loss of her deceased child some 20 years ago due to West Nile Virus. She also is not close to me, to her family except for her other daughter, and is also too busy for friends.

So, amongst all the other traits your PD has, does he/she show signs of obsessiveness not to get close to you, be it with their job, hobbies, etc.?

[1footouttadefog]

What I discovered is that I was a hobby so to speak.

I was the manic focus of the year so to speak.  I notice that when my pdh becomes magically obsessed about something or someone or a new activity etc, the results are about the same.

I think this is why they have no qualms about setting us aside. It's the lack of empathy once more on display.

If my pd had bought a weight set then quit using it, or started fly fishing and stopped, I could sit amongst the discarded former fascination as an equal.

[Whiteheron]

What I've experienced was that stbxuPDh would always need a distraction. He would manufacture a reason he needed to start a project - usually something irrelevant he decided needed to be done to the house. Once in a while he would try to 'fix' me. If he had free time, he would create a problem and expect me to get worked up over it and be at his beck and call. Usually, work would provide enough of a distraction and he would work from home, after hours, on a regular basis.

I later discovered he needed the distraction to cover up the voices inside his head. If he was busy with a project, he was able to completely focus on what needed to be done, thereby avoiding his toxic inner dialogue. For my stbx, it is a way to escape himself.

[Samuel S.]

From your posts, there are 2 significant words that seem to come across: distraction and discarding. Our PDs are distracted either intentionally or unintentionally. The end result is we nonPDs are discarded, like they get tired of us. Whatever their intentions or motivations may be, we have been left high and dry without the person we had perceived as being our perfect fit.

My PDw has become heavily influenced by a "medium counselor" who also presumably lost her child a long time ago. Thus, my PDw immediately could relate to her. This "medium counselor", I believe, hates men and relationships. This "medium counselor" has focused solely on supporting my PDw's desire to do whatever she wants without having a balance of our marriage and her desires. So, like you folks, I have been put on the back burner as just being there.

I suspect that my PDw will not even shed a tear when I leave either while I am alive or if I suddenly pass away. After all, she is too consumed with herself to even care. Then, she will just say: "oh well, it was going to happen eventually. . ."

[Samuel S.]

The last couple of days, my PDW has been out of town, and what a relief it has been! Now and in the past when she is out of town, I text her in the morning so she knows I am thinking about her and that she has a good day. Also, her morning routine is such she has to get up around 7 am. Then, she gets ready and goes to school. So, I don't call her. She typically responds with have a nice day and that she will call some time in the evening. This is usually what happens.

Nevertheless, several months ago, she didn't call in the evening. So, I just sent her text. Within a minute, she called me saying she forgot to call, because she was so busy.

Last night, she didn't call. I just thought she was so busy with her studies. At 10:30 pm while I was asleep, she called me. I was groggy and didn't answer right away. When I woke up, I sent her a text that I was asleep. She responded that she forgot to call, the very thing she said she was going to do. I don't take it personally, because she is a PDw. Her priority was and is her studies.

Whether she has learned from this situation is debatable. It would be nice, if she did, but she is so focused.

BTW, since she is studying acupuncture, there have been a handful of times which I have complained about a pain or two. When and if she had the time, she would apply pins to me. It helps her, and it helped me a little. Otherwise, I just go to an acupuncture clinic in town. When I mentioned this to a friend of mine what my PDw does, my friend said that I should be my top priority.

[Doggo]

Slowly starting to un-lurk on this site. Oh wow--my uPDh has talked for years about always needing a project to distract himself. He blamed it on his diagnosed/treated ADHD. So this is a symptom of PD? Any place folks can recommend for more information on it? The ADHD meds don't address his symptoms at all in this respect. It's just the two of us--we have a 3 bedroom house completely stuffed with his discarded projects.

[Samuel S.]

Doggo, you deserve to be the top priority of his life. He could blame his need to be distracted on his ADHD and anything else.; nevertheless, he is making the choice to do what he is doing to not be close.

I am acutely aware of this, because she only recognizes as being there. She can't handle being close while she did a superior job of being nice at first. Then, while I still am loving, sincere, generous, and positive, she just chooses to disregard what I say and feel and discards me as though I don't matter, and that hurts!

[Doggo]

Thanks, Samuel S. I was just surprised to hear it could be a symptom of BPD instead of ADHD--it would explain a lot to me. (Like why, after 7 years, the ADHD meds STILL haven't helped). 

He does "make me his priority." By hyperfocusing on me, engulfment and all that--he says his "job" is to make me happy and 'protect' me. He never has things that HE wants to do--and only ever says that it's up to me to choose what to do (eg, leisure activities, vacations)--except when he is in a rage and calling me selfish or after the rage when he has apologized and then decided he is going to take more control of his own life and choices and try to do things that HE wants to do....until, of course, the next cycle.

It took me 19 years to realize this. 
He is not really 'close'--he's just getting engulfed in me and then trying to take over things for me so that he is 'helping/ (aka controlling me.)

[Samuel S.]

You got that right. It is all about control for whatever reason. PDs don't know what compromise, love, respect, and active listening are.

[Whiteheron]

You got that right. It is all about control for whatever reason. PDs don't know what compromise, love, respect, and active listening are.

First thought that came to my mind was control, like Samuel mentioned. My stbx smothered me with his presence - only so he could be in complete control of everything and know every move I made. It was suffocating.

[Cascade]

Yes, my husband tends to get obsessive over things like hobbies and games. I could list off a bunch of things he's been into over the years but the odd thing is that none of his interests last.

[Samuel S.]

Control, obsession, selfishness, and abuse are unfortunately many signs of a PD.

If someone else has any kind of happiness, a PD can pounce on that person and bounce the conversation back to them. My PDw knows that I love and I am proud of my daughters. I don't make mention of that to my PDwnot only because has one surviving daughter due to her older daughter tragically passing away just about 20 years ago, but also my PDw admitted sometime ago that she is jealous of my younger daughter. It is all of my PD's doing. Anyone who steals the limelight from her, she immediately puts them down. We had many arguments about her jealousy until she finally realized that I love my daughters just like any parent does.

I only bring up the jealousy component, because to my alarm, a book I co-authored has been doing well. I am just happy that others can gain insight and happiness for their lives. When I shared this info with my PDw, she was very dismissive, saying that the other author must be promoting it more than I do. I have promoted our book o social media and with friends, which my PDw doesn't know. So, the green eyed monster is alive again. So again, I don't make it a big deal. The other author and I just want to help people hel0 themselves.

Bottom line, my PDw is jealous. I am proud of her accomplishments, having been successful professionally,although she wants to have the upper hand by being more popular. It is her vanity, her need to be better than everyone else. Yeah, besides being a jealous person, she has a superiority complex. Ugh!

[Whiteheron]

Samuel,

Congratulations on the success of your book! That's wonderful!

My stbx is the same way. Any recognition, any accomplishments by me were demeaned and put down. I was made to feel lesser than.

Photography used to be a hobby of mine. We had a friend over and this friend noticed one of my photographs, complimented me on it, told me I had real talent, that I should explore getting into it more. Next thing I knew, stbx was buying himself a very expensive camera and started taking photos, while at the same time making it impossible for me to continue with my hobby. I'll never forget this, he took a photograph of snow on some pine trees out back. Sent it to everyone he knew. Waited for the praise to roll in. He even forced my son to use it as his computer background. DS later confided in me that he didn't think the photo was that good.

Anything I excelled at, he had to go out and do bigger and better. I think for me to be better at him than anything - cooking, childcare, photography, math, science, helping the kids with schoolwork, art...anything- made him feel less than and his ego could not allow that to happen. He even does this to the kids! Has to be bigger, better, faster, smarter. Because if he's not, then he's nothing. It has to be a sad way to live.

[Samuel S.]

Due to my PDw thinking she is perfect, she considers me:

1. Not making enough money
2. Having chosen the wrong profession
3. Having chosen the wrong car
4. Not sweating enough while working out
5. Like her father during intimacy
6. Not having good eyes to clean
7. To have caused an accident when I was at a legal stop, and I was rear ended.
8. Not doing enough emotional work during a non-traditional form of therapy
9. Not strong enough while doing Pilates
10. That I should have an affair with another woman, because she is so busy.
11. That I should not get medical help if I am hurting

Well, you get the idea. To top it all off, she said she apologizes for everything and for everything she will do.
Her obsession of being perfect and degrading is totally the opposite of her calling us soulmates.

[1footouttadefog]

I personally am ADD, I have a tendency to get distracted easily, I can become overwhelmed with all the tasks that need done and want to distract myself, at times I have a hard time prioritizing and keeping order. I loose my car keys and many things several times a day.  I can enter a room and forget what I wejt there to get.  I forget names easily and loose tract of time easily.

Despite this I have always had time for my spouse and children.  As a matter of fact I would have a tendency to get involved with spending  time with them to the detriment of getting my work done. 


I don't personally don't think ADD or ADHD is an excuse for neglect in a relationship. 

I think neglecting you is an issue separate from ADHD and is likely part of a PD.