My Substandard Life in the Past 17 Years

[SomethingElse]

I have wanted to share some things with another human that I have learned about myself in the last 6 years. Thank you for listening.

In the last 6 years I have learned some really crucial things about myself.

1. I have witchy powers or super powers that I dont fully understand yet. Some of them have been passed down on my mother's side, but were never talked about very openly because my grandparents were holocaust survivors and they thought it was evil to talk openly about practicing any kind of "super powers", etc.. I am now trying to bust past the fears and learn about this aspect of myself. It's very important to my identification and my self-awareness.
2. I may need to live with a paid companion for the rest of my life.
3. I never want to have a life partner. Or rather, I did want to, but I realized that it will not work out the best for me to have one. (Although I do realize my need to have sex every once in a while with another human.) I am still working on how to negotiate this in my life as I just realized this.
4. I can never hold one single tax payer job. I am better at small side jobs. I am still figuring out what to do to make money. There is a lot of pressure in my family to "not say that anyone has a disability", to not talk openly about issues, and also to fit into a particular box. So, the pressure to have a career and one single tax paying job is still great.
5. My family does NOT understand me and still does not recognize that I have disabilities, and they do not support me. They also do not want to realize they have issues with each other, let alone themselves. Because of this last sentence especially, I have felt ostrasized from them over the years, as I DO like to work on myself. We will see if it changes for them. (I have also felt a lot of pressure over the years to try to help them to see these things, but I want my own life and deserve it.) This is a tricky one because..because of my disabilities I have to live at home. I used to feel trapped, until I moved a bunch, and realized that I could experience freedom in my mind by working on myself.   
6. I just got out of a year-long domestic abuse relationship with an ex partner. It was scary, I got isolated. I had to go to court. My family also doesnt want to hear about this. They have told me outright, except for my mom (who is also married to an abusive partner), but will still talk about my abuse with me.
7. There are worse places to live than home, like not having a permanent home and moving around a lot and not feeling stable because of that and not being able to fully grow as a human because of this as well.
8. For many years, I let my life be run by FEAR. I dont want that any more. I have actively been trying to change this for many years now.
9. I felt like my mom's mom had to die before I could fully be an adult. (Her influence over my life was very large. And her influence over my entire family as a matriarch who was NOT kind was strange. I am just beginning to talk about this out loud.)
10. I want to learn not to compare myself to my family members or other people. I spent so many years doing this. I am an only child (lonely child) and often times my family members  and others seem so starkly different from me.
11. I seem to get along best with people who are younger than I. I think it's where I'm at maturity wise on a larger scale in this lifetime?
12. I really need friends. And good ones. I have spent my entire life BEING a good friend, but I didn't always know how to pick truly good ones for myself. Because of this, and the fact that I was isolated by my last abusive partner, I do not have many friends yet. I am working on this actively now.
13. I feel like after the age of 28, I was re incarnated again into my own lifetime. I dont fully understand this. I havent been able to explain it to anyone yet.
14. I am on the spectrum. And, I have some sort of developmental disability. Neither has been diagnosed yet, and it's hurting me inside to not be recognized for who I am and also hurting me on the outside that I cant get the services paid for that I really need, like learning more life skills and job coaching and more disability money for my basic life expenses. And also, because I did not know I was on the spectrum, my life feels a lot different now to know this. I really want to cure my autism. I know there are many who may not want to or are afraid, but I want to be as healthy and whole as possible. And i've heard that gut health can be healed. (I do alot of work on my gut because I have researched and learned it is the root of most illnesses.)
15. I have a whole bunch of debt because my quality of life has been very poor since my dad died at 21. My mom also was taking a lot of money from me since then and trying to keep me at home for her own selfish desires. (FOr example, she used to take all my money I made from working jobs ..i used to have jobs...and also would try to control all I did with any small amount i had left. She also bought a life insurance policy on my name and forged my signature.)
16. I am ill. I think I may have Lyme Disease long term...and maybe cancer? I dont know what it is for sure? It may be multiple things? I have such strange symptoms, and especially for my age. I havent felt settled enough or felt safe enough to tell anyone except my partners yet, and they were never supportive enough or mature enough to help me get help for these things. My family also hasnt been supportive about my health.
17. Even though i have some of these disabilites, my emotional maturity is older than even my chronological age in many aspects. I feel like this puts me at a disadvantage when making friends? I end up always, either having friends much older or friends younger than I. Its hard for me to not have friends in my own age bracket or even older than I.
18. I am more in tune with my body than any person I have known well in my life so far.
19. I have a deep desire to be believed and accepted when I talk about things. I also have a deep seeded desire to be a teacher, and I have felt held back from this in life so far.
20. Actually "hearing" voices is relatively new to me. I dont always hear them. And I want to understand what is going on with me that this is happening. Is it spiritual? Is it biological? Can I stop it? Etc...
21. Self knowledge has been extremely important to me since my dad died. It could be because I did not have an appropriate childhood or home life growing up and especially not a stable home or home life and no good support system since my dad died when I was 21.

*sigh* It feels good to write this aloud. Maybe now I can start to talk about these things aloud too.
Thanks