How to let go

[athene1399]

There is a PD in my life that I am LC with. I would like to go NC, but can't yet. I have been working on radical acceptance which has stopped my anxiety about her, but I feel like i have a grudge against her and don't know how to get rid of it. I am harboring anger and I don't know how to get rid of it. I know only I can do that, but I don't know how. I know it is a waste of energy. I just hate how she plays the victim. I hate how so many people believe her lies. I'm sure most of them will learn the truth one day, but that isn't good enough for me. It still makes me mad. Recently I tried meditation on the idea of forgiveness. It helped a little. I know the problem is with me. I do sometimes hold grudges. it takes a lot for a person to make me mad, but once it happens I like never forgive them. I don't know how to get past that. I do catch myself with black and white thinking. When that happens I try to focus on the opposite side to balance it out. Like if I think "X always goes wrong" I try to remember times it didn't. Is there something similar I can do with forgiveness? Sometimes I feel obsessed with being mad at this person. It's such a waste of energy, yet I can't let go. I feel that she takes credit for things that I do or have done. I know my friends and family know my accomplishments. Yet I still get mad when this person takes credit for things she didn't do. Maybe I need to journal on why I need to actively be mad at this person. Like I need to find what need this satisfies in me and find a new way to satisfy it. Does anyone else have this problem? And what do you do to move past it? or how do you let go?

[notrightinthehead]

I am battling with the same thing. There are days when I don't feel angry at all and then - without any obvious reason - I feel enraged. And the bad thing is, it does not make me feel good, or strong, or powerful at all.

What sometimes works for me comes from the 12 steps of CoDA - I have no control over my feelings - and whatever we have no control over, we can safely leave to our higher powers to deal with. No guilt, no shame, no fight against, accept that this is how I feel at the moment and move on with the task of living my life. Last time when I asked to be freed of my rage it actually worked and I have not felt furious for a while. 

[Penny Lane]

Interestingly, DH said something similar to me when we first met (which was coincidentally right around the time he was realizing how terrible his ex had been to him). He said, I don't really get mad, but when I do it's relationship-ending. I thought then that he actually WAS getting mad, he just wasn't letting himself express it. And sure enough nowadays he does get mad, annoyed, etc. at me (and others) in small ways that don't end the relationship. I think a more accurate statement would be, he wasn't allowed to express any anger during his previous marriage until it got so overwhelming that the marriage ended. The anger was there, he just had to represe it.

It sounds like you've tried to jump straight to forgiveness without really sitting with and acknowledging your anger. I think the harder you try to force yourself to be not mad, the more the angry feelings will come up when you don't want them.

I like the idea of journaling. But instead of journaling to try to resolve it I would start with just journaling to try to express it. Anger can be a way of your body telling you that it's not fair that you were treated this way. And PDs try hard to convince us of the exact opposite - that you're to blame. You're right that being angry forever isn't a good use of your energy, but anger can serve a purpose. Acknowledging it and accepting it can be a way of taking your power back and acknowledging that your feelings matter, that YOU matter.

If you can really do that, deep down, I think it will be a lot easier to then let go of the anger and move forward.

Good luck, I know this is easier said than done.

[athene1399]

Thank you guys so much!

I'm going to look up CoDA. I don't think I've heard of that before. That you for sharing, NotRight. Sometimes I feel randomly enraged as well. It seems to come from nowhere and other times I know what causes it. But sometimes it is a surprise, almost like something  boiled over and I didn't even realize the stove was on. I probably am pressing a lot more than I realize.

I think you might be on to something, too, Penny, with I've been trying to repress my anger. I think I'm sometimes afraid of my anger so I try to get rid of it instead of sitting with it. When I was younger I used to express the emotions I wasn't allowed to through poetry. Maybe I should add that to my journaling as well. 

[Penny Lane]

I think part of the problem is that PDs treat us so badly that we feel like if we give into the anger it will be overwhelming. Like once the dam bursts it'll never stop. I feel like that sometimes too. I know you've said you're too busy for therapy but I think if you could find time sometime soon that could help you do it in a more controlled way. I love the idea of journaling through poetry too!

[athene1399]

I have thought about squeezing therapy in. I wonder if I could find a place that does monthly appointments. My insurance isn't that good, but I may be able to find an income based program or something. I know therapy will help a lot. But for now I will try the journaling. I could probably find some journaling questions online that could be helpful if I wanted to work on some more specific problems. or I can just do a more narrative approach and just describe my problems and feelings. I also found some meditations that focus on feelings. That might help me to sit with some of it as well.

Also, it has been my mother who put the idea in my head that I shouldn't be upset about this person. Maybe I am listening to her too much about it. She never let me be upset when I was a child, so maybe the same thing is going on now. No one else thinks I am out of line, aside from my sister who parrots anything my mom says.  Maybe I should let myself openly feel the anger and frustration and let it run its course. While journaling about the process. And maybe I should be more self-compassionate about the anger. As long as I don't let it control my behaviors, there's really nothing wrong with being angry. Everyone gets angry from time to time.

Thank you for listening and thank you for the advice!

[cookiecat]

Athene1399,

Do you think any of your anger could also be about your mother putting the idea in your head that you shouldn't be upset at this person?   Typically, a mother is supposed to support you/be on your side (I NEVER experienced that but it seems like people with good mother relationships have that).   Was she supportive of you and now she is just saying that it's been too long to still be angry? 
I know exactly how you feel about letting go.  I have an ex-friend who is just so phony, esp on Fakebook.  She is a user and an attention seeker and because I tend to get close to people in friendships, I saw it up close.  Many people don't.   She's done many awful things that most don't know about and it still makes me angry from time to time.   I think probably because I was used so much and did so much, it's harder for me to let go of the anger.  I'm also going to use some of these suggestions.  But I do feel like when someone close to me tells me to "get over it", or something of that nature, it's like getting hurt all over again by this person.  Like I'm not being validated, which is really only something I can control, thus still a work in progress 🤷🏼‍♀️

[1footouttadefog]

What helped me get past the anger phase was a lengthy exercise that caused more pain upfront.

I examined myself and my life to figure out what about me caused me to pick the pds in my life.  What about me allowed the red flags to be ignored.  Why did I gloss over some stuff.  Why did I contunue to believe in the false personage the false identity that the pds needed my participation in maintaining.

Hard questions like these are very personal in their answers.  They involved me examining my family of origin dynamics and those relationships as well. 

I became less angry eventually.  Overall it was a grieving g process and anger was one phase of it.

[athene1399]

Typically, a mother is supposed to support you/be on your side (I NEVER experienced that...

I'm in your boat. I wasn't allowed to have depression as a child. She told me I had no right to feel the way I did. So I think the reason I am questioning my feelings now is because I'm listening to her again. She means well, but doesn't go about stuff like this in the right way.

But with this person, the attention seeking drives me the most crazy. She pretends to be this motivational saint on social media, but in reality rages over nothing and is a bully at times. And on social media, people just eat up whatever she says and sympathize with her. They also agree that nothing is her fault, but she also puts such a spin on the truth. I've been better with that though. I've been staying away from social media (her page at least) and I do feel a lot better.

1foot. I have recently  been doing a lot of what you suggested. I learned that I used to be attracted to PDs in relationships because at first the positive attention and charming personality was so different than the emotional abuse of my childhood I would feel intoxicated by them. Then when the emotional abuse started, it was just what I was used to, almost what I expected. I didn't think I deserved better for so long. And I hated myself for so long. It all stemmed from family relationships and my childhood, like you suggested. I'm still moving through that though ,but a lot of the anger is subsiding. I think part of it was I wasn't allowed to express negative emotions, so I feel I shouldn't' have them. If I sit with them now, then I move through the process and it gets better. There's been a few childhood memories that surfaced and I'm like...wait a minute that is so messed up. Then I got really angry. Let the anger come, then eventually it fades away.

I'm sure this ties into that too, I just have to figure out how. I think part of it is I feel I'm not being noticed enough or something. I don't know yet for sure. Like the thing this person takes credit for are things I have done/do, yet I'm not blabbing about it for attention. It's like I don't want the attention, but I do all at the same time. Like I've had similar struggles and am not using it as an excuse to act like a maniac like she is. She does this "I can't help it, I was abused as a child... I have PTSD from my ex's abusing me...therefore can't control my behavior... feel bad for me..." And I know everyone deals with trauma differently. But it still irks me.

Usually I vent here and then feel better the next day. So thank you so much for listening and talking everyone!