Dealing with accusations- advice please.

[Peace and healing]

I've been away from the forum for a number of months as I've been focusing on my kids and on healing. I'm doing well in general. I've had successful EMDR treatment for the PTSD that I got as a result of being with my ex. I'm also having conventional talk therapy which is hugely helpful.
I've just got one area that I am still struggling with and wondered if you guys had any thoughts.
My ex was the usual BPD blend of wonderful and sadly very verbally/emotionally abusive. I tried my absolute best to help him but as you can imagine life became hell and I got really ill. The end point came when he confessed to having put a tracker in my car and having stalked me for months. At that point hope finally died for me and I've been no contact with my ex for about 10 months now. All good however as a parting shot my ex sent me the most hideous abusive toxic email which I sadly read. It was 10 pages of awfulness which he also forwarded to my ex husband (who I'm actually good friends with) Most of it I could ignore but a few things stick in my mind
1. That the 3 tragic miscarriages that I had when we were together were caused by me taking the abortion pill
2. That I said that my ex husband had raped me
3. That I had lied about the abuse that I suffered as a child
4. That I am a covert Narcissist who psychologically abused him.
5. That I was unfaithful during our 5 year relationship
Obviously this is all rubbish however it still hurts in some weird way. The thing that hurts the most is the conflict that I have between wanting to speak out against these accusations and feeling that if I do contact him in anyway it will kick off a whole load of trouble again. I feel gagged.
Any thoughts guys?
Much love to all xxx

[Spygirl]

Your ex sounds alot like mine,

But then, it seems PD's all generally operate out of the same playbook. It is wierd. I have also had to deal with false accusations through the marriage. I can only imagine what is said now that we are almost (thankfully) divorced. I have this fantasy of getting everyone he knows in the same room and just letting fly with all his lies, all the badmouthing he did about them behind thier backs, all the crazy illegal stuff he did while he looked like Mr. PERFECT to everyone outside. Just destroying him in one day the way i was broken down over ten years.

But, would it really get me justice? I dont think so. Any horrible thing he says about me just proves that he does not/maybe did not ever LOVE me. I was a prop and a convenience to care for his needs. If i had recieved that letter, i would pour a glass of wine, toss it on a fire and watch it burn while i cursed him. Even better, i would write him a letter, hold nothing back, and burn that too. Because i am not a sick person. I do not exist to cause intentional pain to others.

You have been on a long, painful journey. You have suffered tremendously, but you are overcoming it. Do not give him the pleasure of causing you more pain.

Congratulations on your healing journey!

[findjoy81]

I would say that those accusations he's leveling at you reflect much more on him and his state of mind than on you or anything you did.  I get so fired up when I hear a person taking something traumatic that happened TO a person (through no fault of their own) and using it to justify abuse or to blame you for it (like the miscarriage thing).  My ex told me the reason I was a terrible wife is because I never had my mother to teach me how to be a wife -my mom died when I was young.  That kind of thing is just despicable.  Like, there are some lines you just don't cross.  You don't insult a woman for having miscarriages. 
In the end though, I know that the fact that he felt it was ok to say something like that, shows what kind of disordered brain he has.   Focus on the truth, and on your healing, and moving on in your life.  And I'm sorry you have to deal with that. 

[Peace and healing]

Thank you both. Good advice. Just being able to talk about it is helpful I realise.
Spygirl I can see you now with a glass of wine sat by my fire  in my garden- so cheers!
Findjoy I'm so sorry to hear what your ex said to you. You are right that some lines really should never be crossed. Thank you for reminding me that it's really ok to feel angry about this and hurt and then to see it as more evidence of his mental health problems which I can do nothing about. Xx

[cant turn back]

Peace and Healing,
I still have a dysfunctional need to want to correct my ex in his periodic rants and rages to me in email.  But, I don't take the bait.  Just what he would want, evidence that he can still reel me in.  I'm all about the high road and gray rock.  But, unfortunately, it DOES still get to me, I do get reeled in, just not outwardly.  His dad/husband of the year act so disgusts me.  I want him OUTED and exposed for the dysfunctional man that he is.  I sometimes fantasize that everyone DOES SEE IT, like fully.  They see it and are humored by his act because they remember who he was before... 180 degrees from who he is now (minus those pesky emails he sends me which reveal his true character).  They all see it, yet, they are just carrying on with their lives, because, well, that's what people do.  Somehow when I think like this, I get a little bit of peace, you know, like maybe his act is transparent.
Mostly though I'm despondent because I know our DD15 is buying the dad of the year act, and she buys into his victim play and martyr tendencies and it's not at all productive for me to put him down to her.  I try to find clever ways to plant some seeds for her to think about on her own while not overtly dissing him.
It's all soo hard!!
The actual leaving was VERY HARD.  But trying to find a way to move forward in this new uncertain single life in which I am still somehow being poisoned by him, well, that's been pretty tough too.
When does it get easier???

[findjoy81]

I think it has got to be pretty common to want to out the behaviors of them.  I fantasize about printing his nasty emails and making thousands of copies and dropping them from a plane over the city.  Instead, I just live my life as well as I can, and focus on not letting him know when he's getting to me.  Boy is it hard sometimes.

[mrstring]

"4. That I am a covert Narcissist who psychologically abused him.
5. That I was unfaithful during our 5 year relationship
Obviously this is all rubbish however it still hurts in some weird way"

Interesting my ex would always call me a covert Narcissist as well to the point where I asked my therapist about it. Maybe I was and didn't know it. It sounds funny now, but I was dead serious. He smirked and took out the DSM book, I think it's called and went through the traits one by one and was not even close

Same thing about being unfaithful, the truth was I was never and she was twice that I know of.

It does hurt and not in some weird way. You care and and try to do everything for someone and they view you as a monster. It's a strange disconnect from reality. I can share with you but my biggest regret was always defending myself and trying to prove she was wrong. I was ready to take a polygraph test and have my phone tracked.

[Peace and healing]

Can't turn back- coparenting is hard enough anyway without having a very difficult ex to contend with. I watched my ex's daughter go through lots of changes in how she viewed her dad (my ex) in the time we were together. Initially she idolised him then she got wise to him then she hated him and finally she actually told me to leave him as he treated me so badly!! I saw her Mum give her a good grounding in self respect and boundaries and keep a calm and stable home life for her. I got on really well with them both! I do think from seeing that that kids will come to see the real person behind the perfect parent act. It (sadly) just takes time. It did help that her mum didn't bad mouth him but let his actions speak for themselves.

Findjoy- ah yes. I have imagined sending copies of his worst emails to all his family and friends oh and his work and printing it out poster size to stick up near his house!!! But no. Though it makes me laugh to think about it. He is pretty scared of horses and I learned to ride this year so on bad days I imagine chasing him down the street on horseback (dressed in some kind of flowing evening dress!!! 😂)

Mrstring- apparently it is quite common for some people with BPD to say that their partners are Narcissists! I think that it is because they expect/want absolutely all of your attention to be on them and when it isn't they consider you utterly selfish. My ex also accused me of being mentally ill, autistic, codependent, dyspraxsic, BPD, a combination of NPD and BPD, damaged from my childhood experiences, lying about my childhood experiences, delusional because I had PTSD, lying about having PTSD, etc etc. And yes for years I also tried to defend myself by writing long long explanatory emails and having crazy circular conversations. I used to believe that if I could just explain myself properly he'd understand!!! Ah. My counsellor has helped me to see myself at that time with a huge amount of compassion and love. I was trying so desperately to fix things. Have you read the book (and I doubt that you have!) Women who love Psychopaths? In there it has some wonderful reframing of what I'd seen as a weakness in me- especially my optimism and hopefulness and compassion  about/for others. They reframe it as a fundamental character strength that just needs awareness applying to it so that it isn't taken advantage of again. This advice obviously applies to men too.

[blunk]

It is possible, and IMO likely, that the reason he wrote such horrible things was to upset you enough that you did reach out to him in an effort to defend yourself.

Even when I was with my BPDxh and had become pretty good at ignoring his insults, he knew the buttons to press to get me to respond...and then the crazy-making could begin. I was a cheater, I was crazy just like my (bipolar) father, I was a child for not having gotten over the death of my mother (ie getting emotional around her birthday or the anniversary of her passing). Fortunately in my case there were no kids, so once we divorced I was able to go complete NC. He actually did reach out once after the divorce at which time I blocked and deleted his number.

I like the suggestion about writing him a letter and burning it, it can be very liberating to get all of your feelings out (no hold barred with the knowledge that it can't come back around to bite you in the butt.

[Spygirl]

Peace and healing,

You go girl! The best revenge is living your life well in spite of the past.

Yesterday is heavy, put it down.

[Peace and healing]

Blunk- I'm sorry to hear about the cruel and hurtful things that your ex said to you. Sending you a big hug. Thank you for reminding me of something that I had forgotten at the time when I received my ex's last awful email- that he was trying his upmost to bait me into replying. I'd already not answered a couple of pretty accusatory emails from him and I think that he was totally outraged that I wasn't answering. Over the 5 years that we were together I had always responded and tried to calm him down/explained myself/ forgiven him etc. It was also a move on his part to make me look like the abuser- sort of yes I did verbally and emotionally abuse her, stalk her, abandon her, and on a couple of occasions physically abuse her and generally treat her terribly but SHE MADE ME DO IT. You know the one. Total victim blaming.

Spygirl- thank you. The past is indeed heavy and is best put down!!

[SomethingElse]

Just a thought: could you talk and speak out about it to someone other than him? That way you wouldnt have to contact him. You could write about it on facebook if you feel safe now? Or you could blog? There are a lot of options out there now that we all have the internet. Good luck.