Triggered By A Facebook Memory; Tried Tinder Again ; Still Have A Ways To Go

[Artemis T]

It's been about a month since I've spoken with my emotionally abusive unPD ex. There are still bad days but the bad days are getting less grueling, and the good days are becoming more frequent. I don't expect to hop up in the next few weeks fully restored but I did think I was making some good progress. Yesterday I was on FB checking my messages, I'm not on there often and I saw a 'memory' of an old post of mine that my ex commented on. Seeing his picture was ....triggering? I'm not sure what it is I felt, it was a mix of anxiety, loathing, resentment and longing? I am at the point where I don't beat myself up for missing him on occasion we were in each other's lives for 8 years. I haven't looked at his or his new gf's SM for weeks and have been really prudent on making sure I am consistent with that. But just seeing his avi, and our exchange, made me realize 'wow this person who I valued like the very oxygen I breathed is no longer a part of my life' and it made me sad.

Nonetheless the sadness wasn't debilitating or anything, it just drove home that every once in a while I'm going to get a reminder that he exists and it might sting. I'm still taking it day by day.

Oh and last weekend I got a little drunk and re-joined tinder for 24 or so hours 
I think once the buzz wore off I realized I was in no shape to entertain dating anyone in my current condition, I was so disengaged and the idea of being intimate with someone makes me very very anxious and uneasy. I'm not very confident these days and unsure of how I feel about my self image.
I did meet one guy who I thought would be cool to grab dinner with every once in a while it's natural to want company outside of your friends and family every once in a while but even my interest in that wanes almost hour by hour.

Has anyone just made peace with the fact they are most likely gonna spend the rest of their lives un-partnered and might just be ok with it? Because that's kinda where I'm at.

[1footouttadefog]

It's okay to feel that way and be okay with it.

It is also to maybe in another place later and change.

You don't have to make a life time commitment to eother.

Instead maybe a life time commitment to being the best possible and healthiest you partnered or otherwise.

When someone looses a spouse or parent or child they are typically counseled not to make any major decisions or commitments until a year some something like that.

Loosing an 8 year relationship is pretty heavy whether it was good ,bad or a mix.  Be kind to youeself.

Small birds take small flights at first.  When bees orient themselves either initially or after a hive has been moved, they take small circular flights with increasing distances from the hive to get their bearings before navigating large distances.   Perhaps the 24 hours on tinder was such an exercise.

Be kind to yourself.  I have a need for company also and find meetup.com app to be a good way to find social activities that have no romantic or sexual pressure.  However if I was seeking potential partners I think I could bump into some at these functions.  In the mean time it's nice to go on outdoor excursions with a group of interesting people, or attend a lecture or wine tasting with the same.

[Associate of Daniel]

I think it's normal and healthy.

Date yourself first - get to know yourself first and heal first. Then you might be more open (and ready ) for a relationship.

Time is a healer afterall, I've found.  With some parts of healing, just getting on with the day to day is what's needed.  You'll realise one day, after a time, that your feelings and thinking about certain aspects have changed.

Other parts you'll need to be more pro active in healing.

I think I'm where you're at. Kind of ok with being single for the last 30 years or so of my life.  But wondering. Occasionally wanting the companionship but not often. And sex?  No thanks. Not yet.

And that's ok.

Last year I was in a different place with it all, as my posts on these boards show. I'm very thankful to be further on in my healing and growth today.

AOD