Considering moving from Grey Rock to NC

[sarandro]

Hi Everyone...
I am fairly new to all this and only found out what was going on with my family when I stumbled across this forum.
What amazing posts on this thread...it's like we have the same Nparents!

I am at the same stage myself...trying to decide what's best.

My en F has just died and my NM says she now needs me to fill the void.
As a lot of you have gone through this scenario, I will post about that later.
Anyway, I have been LC for many years (not knowing that I was already learning to protect myself) and when visiting in person I tried so hard to be the dutiful daughter, maybe to 'make up for my aloofness'.
This always backfired on me...you know how they do it.

So, now I feel I am Out of the FOG at least a little and really want to go NC, so I am trying VVVVVVVVVVVLC just now to test the waters.
By that I mean weighing the blasted guilt with my own peace of mind.
I am not the kind of person who is happy if I have made someone else unhappy, if you know what I mean?
My NM knows this and seems to be relying on it.

It has been a week since my Dad's funeral and the only contact with her was a phone call to say thanks for doing the food/flowers/program etc, (something you would do politely to the businesses involved)
I really thought that she might then acknowledge my grief, but no...
She proceeded to witter on to tell me what my GC sis's other half thought of my family!!!!
I said 'that's nice' and then 'speak to you later'

Now I am dreading another call...you know the gut wrenching thing?

Sorry if I have gone on a bit.

Moglow is right...She built this dragon with her consistent abuse, neglect and deceit, she gets to live with the outcome.

We must go with our gut feelings...the primitive mind has only one agenda...to survive at all/any cost doesn't it?

Sending you all much love and the ability and strength to do what's right for us

[SpunHead13]

I think the thing I find so tough is, could I honestly say I tried everything to fix this relationship before going NC? And I honestly couldn't.
Sure, conversations with my parents sap my energy and drain my spirit, and attempts to address this directly are ignored or rebuffed.
However, if I were to explain my situation to a "normal" person, so I think I could make them understand? No, I don't think so.

I could have written this. I was trying to figure out where these kinds of feelings come from it myself and here's what I've come up with.

The feeling of "have i done enough" i think this comes from having been the person who is responsible for my Nm's feelings as a kid and as an adult responsible for maintaining the relationship that she herself created. I have done enough, going all the way back to doing whatever mummy wants as a girl to keep her from being angry or to get her to stop ignoring me. You have done enough too!

"Worry about what normal people think" aka people outside the dysfunctional family. In my family, there was always an unspoken rule about not letting the outside world know just how f#*ed up we were. When outside the house we had to be a happy looking family. It's the same thing with this, just the grown-up version. I have internalized my parents need to keep the mistreatment secret. This was for their own benefit. It's ok if others don't understand. There will always be some that do. Focus on them.

This is not meant as advice really, i guess your post was just so familiar to me i wanted to unpack it myself.

Listen to your gut

[doglady]

This thread has been the single most helpful thing for me over the past couple of days as I am finally after much soul searching about to initiate NC for a yet to-be-determined period of time. I need to do this so that I can just breathe and reflect on where to next after a recent further deterioration in my relationship with elderly parents and flying monkey sibs, one of who is also the GC. Plus my gut is giving me massive grief about it, literally.

I may post about the  'latest developments' 
at some later point but am too mentally and physically burnt out with the complete irrationality of it all at the moment to say much.
I'm currently working on a rehearsed script I can say briefly to those community members and extended family who continue to ask me how my PDM is and tell me what a wonderful person she is.
(I'm beginning to believe parallel universes really are a thing.  )
But I wanted to say, how much I concur with every word of the previous posters. Thank you so much for this thread. This stuff saves one's sanity.