Alienation - my story

[Downbutnotout]

It's a long post – sorry!

I've been on and off this forum for a few years.  3 years on from my divorce from hell it looks like the truth is finally coming out and accepted.

My marriage became a sham with daily accusations of me having affairs, of my family being vilified and of my ex-wife believing that everyone was out to get her etc etc. She was extremely volatile.

Once I left the marriage (the hardest decision I have ever had to make) I was suddenly accused of being domestically violent and controlling and coercive and of trying to strangle my eldest son.  My eldest son has recently been diagnosed with autism and is impressionable and susceptible to manipulation.  Police and social workers all completely exonerated me but social services would not take any further action in relation to my concerns about the children's welfare.  I had to pursue (at great expense) private law proceedings and a contact order in order to have my children stay with me.  My ex (and her immoral solicitor) tried (and failed) every dirty trick to prevent the children having any contact with me.

18 months ago my eldest son suddenly broke all contact with me for no apparent reason although my youngest son remains close and stays with me regularly.  Tragically my eldest son has had a complete breakdown and is now being looked after by social services.  I wasn't even advised by his mother that he was admitted to hospital for self harm and only found out when social services contacted me.  When I visit he hides under his bed clothes.  I haven't seen his face and he hasn't spoken with me for 18 months.
I warned the authorities of suspected alienation 18 months ago but nothing was acted upon.  As a result of his breakdown finally the authorities have taken my views into account and various psychiatrists and psychologists have interviewed and assessed family members and the case is being conducted in the court.

The outcome of this is that my ex-wife is diagnosed as having psychosis and delusional disorder and it is recognised that she and her family have alienated my eldest son and contributed significantly to his distressed presentation and that there is a correlation between their actions and his distress .  The expert reports also indicate that my youngest is being exposed to alienation but he is much more resilient and a very strong and determined little chap.  She is now not allowed to visit my eldest son unsupervised and her family are not allowed any contact with my eldest son whatsoever, pending further reviews.  This dramatic course of action shows, albeit belatedly, how seriously the authorities now view the situation to be.

What is even more concerning/worrying is that the maternal family has endorsed and validated her behaviour. Her brother is a religious education teacher whose moral standing should be beyond reproach! I question whether he is fit to teach – not content with the children staying with me (after I had the indignity of being investigated by the police and social services) he contacted the NSPCC on multiple occasions claiming that I was a danger to my children! The NSPCC told him to go away!

I feel vindicated and relived but saddened that it has taken such a dramatic course of events and I hope that the long and slow recovery of my eldest son can now take place – he is in a very dark place and it will not be easy for him to accept that I'm not what he has been lead to believe and that he can trust those other than his maternal family.

My youngest son however still spends the majority of time with his mother and his maternal side but given the findings of the psychiatrist and psychologist I have been advised that in their final reports they will be advocating that he is removed from the maternal sides contact. I, having had no voice and feeling powerless and unheard for so long, will now be fighting for him to live full time with me.  It will not be easy.  I work full time and I don't see that I will be able for the next few years (he is 11) at least to have very much of my own life.  However, finally the toxicity of the maternal family seems to have been accepted and I will be able to be a proper Dad rather than a part time Dad and will be able to have a positive influence on my youngest and hopefully given time my eldest too.

The psychologist warned me that when my ex receives his report to expect her to make a number of further false accusations against me in a desperate attempt to protect herself.  She has pretty much accused me of everything so there is not much left! 
It has been emotionally draining and it continues to be.  I lost everything financially and as the boys lived with her she took all the finances and bought a brand new house mortgage free.  I had nothing and have a huge mortgage until I'm an old man but it looks like things are heading in the right direction.  Both of my boys will need therapy (and possibly me too!) I'm sure.

[athene1399]

Thank you for sharing, Downbutnotout. I am so sorry that things had to get to that point before someone would finally step in. I really hope they are able to help your older son. He must be very confused. That happens sometimes with my SD. My SO's BPDxw always states what a terrible temper SO has and how abusive he was/is. SD always expects him to get mad and raise his voice or freak out or whatever. He always responds with "Have I ever raised my voice to you?" She always says "Not that I remember" but she is still afraid he will do due to what BPDxw says. Even without evidence to back up the delusional story, the kids still have a hard time not believing it. 

I think therapy will be helpful for you and your youngest son as well. PDs can do a lot of damage, making us doubt everything we've ever known, and worst of all, making us doubt ourselves. I hope things turn around for you. It will take time though.

[coyote]

downbutnotout,
Wow what a ride you have been on. You are to be commended for your strength and persistence in being there for your boys. I wish all fathers could stay as committed to their offspring as you. Yes therapy by a competent therapist can be very helpful. I wish you peace and strength as you go forward on your journey.