Love or Stockholm syndrome?

Doggo · April 25, 2019, 07:24:33 AM

So in this last week, a completely irrational rage episode by my uPDh really opened my eyes to things. I've come to realize that I am essentially running a halfway house for a severely disordered man who will never fully be able to take on adult responsibilities in any meaningful way--including working for a living and having outside friends and interests beyond his tightly controlled online world. We don't have kids. We've been together 20 years. My T says the marriage isn't sustainable unless the H makes major changes--the H is, when he is rational, very good at analyzing his behavior and just came up with strategies for identifying his emotions and rating them and also ways for me to feed him small tasks to do so he feels like he is accomplishing something and contributing to us.

My sister wants me to go see a high-conflict divorce attorney.
And I still have feelings for the H and am reluctant to listen to either my sister or the T. So am asking here--anyone else feel this way/go thru this? Is it possible to still actually love someone thru all this horror and want to stay and make it work in a way that's not emotionally abusive to me? Or am I just fooling myself?

coyote · April 25, 2019, 08:26:29 AM

Doggo,
IME when we ask a question we usually already have the answer. We are just looking for someone to support our answers. There is an old saying, "if three or more people call you a horse; go ahead and buy a saddle." I think you know where I am going with this.

That said, it can be very difficult breaking away from a situation no matter how hard that situation is on us. Change is usually scary, even when that change may be for the better. I went through some similar stuff with my uPPDw. Fortunately I was in a situation where I was able to set very firm boundaries and enforce then consistently with logical consequences. Not everyone is in that situation. I do wish you the best though and hope you find peace and strength as you continue on your journey.

all4peace · April 25, 2019, 08:32:27 AM

Patrick Carnes has good books on trauma bonding. When I read them, I understood that some of my strong attachments to parental figures were actually trauma bonds and based on relational addiction. If you read about trauma bonding and it resonates, maybe that's something to pay attention to. And I think it's important to note that we can deeply care about and love someone AND still be in a very imbalanced and unhealthy, unsustainable relationship with them. My best to you.

Doggo · April 25, 2019, 09:22:18 AM

Ugh...just looked that all up and read about it. I'm so sad

all4peace · April 25, 2019, 09:46:39 AM

This is a huge and vital decision you need to make, so please do not rely too heavily on what we say here in this thread. You are the only one who can figure out what is best for you. I just know for me that when I read about trauma bonding it clarified some things for me. I'm sorry for your struggle.

Doggo · April 25, 2019, 10:47:10 AM

Thank you....it's going to take a lot to make any decision at all.

musttryharder · April 25, 2019, 02:27:16 PM

I think that, in our similar situations, the is absolutely an element of Stockholm Syndrome. For me, I am emotionally attached to the person I knew before things became difficult, and I have to remind myself that there is a difference between now and then. I've also spent so many years leaning on and confiding in my SO, and now that the problem is her, I'm completely alone.
As I was out running this morning (I've been going through another confused period), I tried to process it all again. I don't feel loved or respected - at all. If I'm actually not loved or respected as I understand those words, am I disrespecting myself by staying? At what point do I owe it to myself to be brave and cut myself loose?

Doggo · April 25, 2019, 04:50:50 PM

Quote from: musttryharder on April 25, 2019, 02:27:16 PM
For me, I am emotionally attached to the person I knew before things became difficult, and I have to remind myself that there is a difference between now and then. I've also spent so many years leaning on and confiding in my SO, and now that the problem is her, I'm completely alone.
As I was out running this morning (I've been going through another confused period), I tried to process it all again. I don't feel loved or respected - at all. If I'm actually not loved or respected as I understand those words, am I disrespecting myself by staying? At what point do I owe it to myself to be brave and cut myself loose?

Yeah, that. All of that, exactly I am trying to take it one day at a time from this point--today the H contacted his dr (I had to write the email for him because he couldn't bring himself to do it)--but he asked about getting medication that might help him deal with his fear of rejection and abandonment. I am just hoping the dr is smart enough to refer him to counseling, at the very least, or a psychiatrist who can make a better diagnosis and suggest a good plan of action. His primary care dr just sort of wallows around on it.