My dad is going to do it too . . .

[Adria]

My mother passed away a number of years ago without anyone informing me until it was all done and over.  Now, I found out my dad is sick.  It's been pretty much a quarter of a decade of no contact mainly him ghosting me most of my life like I've never been his daughter (I'm the SG).  Anyway, I texted him. Got nothing.  No surprise, just hoping I guess.

I have two thoughts going through my head which I will never act on.

1.  I think about calling him and asking him if he ever cared. If he would stop by my house once on his way through the state. I think about asking
     him if he plans on dying without ever speaking to me like he had my mother die.
2.  I think about calling him and telling him once and for all what a miserable SOB he has been for a father, the worst father I could ever have
     imagined.

As I said, I will not act on these thoughts, but I know he will take great pleasure in dying without ever contacting me, just as he orchestrated with my mother's death.   Sometimes, it's more than my mind can comprehend. 

I guess it's bothering me lately because dh moved into a happy little house in a happy little neighborhood, and I wish I had family to come over and enjoy it with us. So pathetic after all the years of abuse, but I still wish . . .  just maybe.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

This is one of the saddest things I've read on this forum. Your father is pridefully throwing away the greatest gifts of his life right until the end. And of course you've only ever wanted a father and a family. That was your birthright. And of course you still want that. We all do. I pray you find comfort and the love you need and deserve.

[WomanInterrupted]

That really is incredibly sad, Adria.  He sounds like such an angry, bitter and petty man, and wants to stay that way, until he draws his final breath.

I will never understand people like that.  Life is about joy, love and raising people up, and PDs just can't *stand* that sort of thing.  They want to destroy, ruin, scoff, mock, smirk at the sorrow of others - or openly laugh, then wonder why nobody wants to be around them, when all they've done is push everybody away!

Your father will die as he's lived - alone, miserable, and with nobody to comfort him.

UnBPD Didi died that same way - in Hospice, in the company of strangers she'd just met.  She demanded to know who they were - one was her doctor, the other a priest - and that was that. 

Her final words were a demand.   SO typical.   

I knew she was in Hospice - unNPD Ray had called to tell me and to say I was surprised is an understatement, because I *still* didn't believe her cancer diagnosis was real, when it hadn't been all the other times she'd cried cancer.

Her final words to me, roared across the room into the phone Ray held to his ear were, "Tell her I'm BUSY!"

Yeah, the sad little old lady with terminal lung cancer sure had a set of pipes on her! 

I'd already decided I wasn't going to visit, because it wasn't going to be a warm, loving scene - she'd take her last chance to vent her spleen and say all the horrible things that were on her ugly mind.  They're things I've already heard, over and over again, so I decided I really didn't need another live performance - and I also didn't want to embarrass myself by telling her to go to hell or to fuck straight off, before marching out of the room.   

I knew, from the way she roared, "Tell her I'm BUSY!" that any visit wasn't going to go well, at all - and decided to spare myself.  She could keep her bile and poison to herself, where it belonged.

She roared at me Wednesday afternoon, not long after she arrived, and was dead by the next mid-morning.  Maybe all that bile and poison, combined with the cancer and nobody to direct her anger at  contributed to her demise.  Who knows? 

All I knew was I was *free* of her for the first time ever, and her Reign of Terror was over! 

Just because the end is nigh doesn't mean they change - for the better, at least.  They often get *much* worse, so your father is secretly doing you a favor, whether he knows it or not.

That's how I choose to look at it - by being himself, he's *sparing* you from being his lightning rod of hate.   

He probably thinks he's punishing you and ha!  I'll show Adria!  She'll be sorry when I'm gone!

I find when people say things like that - no, you won't.  Not at all.   

He probably thinks he's getting back at you for some slight - real or imagined - and THAT will teach you a lesson.

No - the only lesson you've learned is your father can't change, is impossibly rigid in his ways and only cares about hurting others to make himself feel better. 

What I'd do, if I were you, is write your thoughts out in a letter you'll never send to him - everything you think, everything you feel, how much he's hurt you - just let it pour out, in any language you deem acceptable, while calling him any name you think fits.  This is for YOUR eyes only - you get to tell YOUR truth. 

I find it often helps to get it out of my head and into a Word doc.  Once I *put* it somewhere, it doesn't continue to weigh me down and feel like it's festering inside me.

You deserve *much* better than he's shown you - and that's your ultimate revenge:  a life well-lived.   

You'll continue to thrive with your DH and your new home (congrats!), and celebrate milestones with friends you care about - who care about you, in return. 

Maybe you can't share your happy home with your FOO - but you can share it with your FOC, who will *appreciate* it - and you! 

[Adria]

Call Me Cordelia,

Thank you for your sweet and kind words.

And of course you've only ever wanted a father and a family. That was your birthright. And of course you still want that. We all do.

Brings tears to my eyes.

One of my family's mottos is, "I'm gonna take it to the grave." Why would anyone want to spend their whole life hating like that?

[Adria]

Woman Interrupted,

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. So sad it's unimaginable.

My father, fortunately for him, has a large following and support system as he is a very wealthy man and everyone sucks up to him and dances around him for his money while secretly waiting for him to die.  I've never asked anything of him except love which he can't give.

You are right, he is punishing me for standing up for myself for when he stole my house, my equity, my car and tried to buy my kids (but failed) with my inheritance. When that didn't work, he proceeded to emotionally destroy my son and throw him into a mental institution without telling me. (We were living out of state to get away from it all and son stayed behind to finish college.)

I, like you, will choose not to see him if he requests my presence on his death bed because of the same reasons you mentioned. It would be one last chance to throw a dagger through my heart. 

All I knew was I was *free* of her for the first time ever, and her Reign of Terror was over!

Yes, that is how I felt when I learned my mother passed away. Not the normal feelings you would think, and I couldn't wrap my head around it for a long time, couldn't cry for a very long time, but I knew she couldn't lie about me anymore and that was a happy thing.

I appreciate you words of wisdom. I'll be okay. It's just hitting me right between the eyes again right now.

It seems such an oxymoron to still have feelings of hope for a family who has tried to destroy us over and over again. I don't think that will ever change until they are gone. At least then, there will be some kind of finality to it all.