Passive-Aggressive Cards - Confront or Ignore?

[pünktchen]

Hey everybody,

I have recently gone from lc to vlc with my grandmother and as expected, she does not like it.
It was her birthday this week and since it was a workday and my brother is in town for easter  this weekend I didn't see her that day but we all went to dinner yesterday for a belated birthday celebration.
It went ok and after dropping her off, she gave me an easter bag with chocolate and a card inside. When I read the card later at home it said (paraphrased) that I would surely be able to manage my life without her but that there would be a "however" (whatever that means?) and that she wishes me the "best".  In quotation marks. 

She sure has a habit of writing insulting cards to family members and usually they are just being ignored and thrown in the trash. For some reason though, this time I just don't feel like letting it slide. I don't think I have done anything wrong and even if I did, this kind of card does not tell me what it could have been. My initial impulse was to just send it back to her without explanation but that I feel would not be far off from her behavior.
Maybe I should call her and have her explain to me, why she wrote what she did, tell her that I do not appreciate getting passive-aggressive remarks and do not wish to get a card like this again and that instead she can tell me in person whatever is bothering her about me.
I am just not sure if it is worth the stress and if I should just ignore the card, do not address it and go from vlc to vvvlc instead. It seems like the easier choice...

What would you do or what have you done in a situation like this and did it work or would you do it differently?
I would love to hear your stories!

[StayWithMe]

You could send it back to her with the message : "And your point is........"  Make sure your messag is on the crd so that if she shows it to anyone, they will have to see the message that you are responding to.

[Call Me Cordelia]

StayWithMe, that's kind of passive-aggressive too...

Pünktchen, what would your goal be in confronting your grandmother? If this is a habit with her, it's not likely she would take ownership of her behavior. But if you want to do it for yourself and are willing to accept the fallout and have your boundaries prepared it could be a positive thing. I feel you on wanting to push back and call her out for once. I think you can do it kindly and assertively, and put it on her. E.g. "Grandma, it seems like you were angry with me when you wrote my card. Is there anything you'd like to communicate to me?" While you already know in advance but don't have to say: If you turns things around and blame me for your behavior, or pull the poor lonely old woman act, or further passive-aggressive stuff, the conversation is over for at least a month. Or whatever you decide.

I agree that simply lowering contact even farther as a consequence would be easier! Ultimately it's which would be better for *you* going forward.

When I called my mother on passive-aggressive stuff, she simply lied and denied having ever said such a thing. In my case it wasn't in writing, though.

[illogical]

Hi punktchen,

I had a passive-aggressive NM.  They hate to be ignored.  Your grandmother very likely wrote the card so you would ask her to explain and then she could try to make you feel guilty or sorry for your going VLC.

What you could do is politely thank her for the card the next time you talk to her-- I wouldn't make a special effort to call her-- and just say "Thanks for the card" and nothing else.  That way, you aren't "playing her game" of Trying to Get a Rise Out of Punktchen because she's angry at you for going VLC.  Quickly switch the subject after you thank her to the weather or some other innocuous subject.  What this does is put her back to square one.  Her tactic didn't work.  Further, you aren't even acknowledging that the card had any effect on you whatsoever. 

I think if you call her out on it she will think her tactic succeeded and you can expect more insulting cards in the future when she doesn't get her way.  I would reserve "calling her out" for a more direct and blatant insult.  I found with my NM that I had to pick my battles or I remained stressed out all the time.   

[qcdlvl]

Some people crave drama and conflict, and/or crave attention, any attention, including negative attention. It's not rational, but it is what it is. Your GM might want you to confront her so there can be a fight or trigger drama, she may be trying to provoke you. if she's PD she'll have no problem lying outright about the tone/meaning and even about what she wrote. So my advice is to keep the card (documenting things, if only to remind yourself how things are if the FOG starts rolling in) but ignore it - don't mention it unless she brings it up, and if she does "Yes, I got it, thank you" - and change the subject. Or you could tell a white lie and pretend you never received it.

[Spring Butterfly]

what have done depends on the situation and what will make me feel better and more powerful. Sometimes it feels better to confront the behavior and used some of the tools in the toolbox and the top trades. Other times it feels more powerful to just roll my eyes and walk away. What would feel good to you within your own self? What would help you reclaim your power and your voice?

[Starlightgirl]

ITA w/Illogical.

Your grandmother is clearly baiting you and seeking attention.

If you really want to get under her skin....ignore her.

It will drive her crazy.