She rages, then acts like nothing happened

[Lilyloo]

My middle brother called me very upset. Mother had another rage, threw the saran wrap at him, stared him down because he was drinking a beer, told him to get in the house and eat and put the beer down. He's 57...

This is the pattern with her, boss her senior citizen children, if we speak up, then the rages begin.  The sad part is my brothers keep going back. My deceased brother did the same thing. He had many rounds with mother, but always went back. She treats them as if they are children.

My brother swore he "was done"  yet the next day he was back at her house. I tried to help him when he called. He voiced all the pain he went through as a child, but still at 57 he can't get free of her.

I don't visit her. I get raged at about not visiting, she tells people I don't do anything for her. She makes me look bad,  but I don't care.  I have the skills now to know how to react. She lies and twists things.

My brother let go of so many hurts, yet he goes back. It's so sad the hold these mothers have. I don't understand it, but even for myself I have been there, the guilt trips  she dishes out are strangling. I have learned a lot from this forum. I wish my brother could be free

She also will rage at anyone in the community.  Just the other day a large truck with a trailer, parked where she felt they should
not  at the post office. My step brother was nearby and witnessed her get out of her car and rage at a total stranger.  This happens often.  The entitlement she feels is over the top!!!

Still after all these incidents she behaves like she did nothing at all out of line.  Typical for sure!

[biggerfish]

LindaLoo -- heard and understood. I get the sense that you have a real soft spot in your heart for your brother. Good for you for not trying to fix him. You're left with sadness, though. Maybe it's kinda like an ongoing grief on behalf of your brother?

You can't be fixed either. What I mean by that is you might always have that soft spot for him. Possibly the only iterative relief you can get is what you're already doing: sharing it sometimes, such as you've done here. And maybe chasing it out of your head sometimes, for the sake of your own mental health. Mental health does involve some choices of detachment at times. You're probably doing that too.

So I'll just say "heard and understood." Keep yourself well.

[Lilyloo]

biggerfish, Thank you! I love all my brothers. I have 3, well I had 3.  I hate the fact that mother rages and gets away with it. Not sure if there's an answer to that. If we confront she gets worse. I'm sad we have a mother like that.

I do see she has messed my middle brother up so badly. He admits it, but goes crawling back. I will never understand why, other than he believes he has to honor her. The commandments say so.  I believe differently. God does not expect us to honor a mother who has no respect for her children. She has said we were all a burden and why her life is miserable. I do not have to honor that! He feels differently.

We differ on her care also. I have stated she will never live with me. I would never live with her rage. He hates nursing homes. I guess he will decide and he can take her in. I told him it will be the end of any life he has.

[biggerfish]

I guess he will decide and he can take her in.

You and your brother obviously have different priorities for how to live life. They're both legit. You don't have to bend to his style, and he doesn't have to bend to yours. Something about how he is living is making him happy (in a way that's a little hard for some of us to understand). It sounds like you respect that about him, as painful as it is to do so.

Gosh, given the circumstances, it doesn't get any better than what you're already doing. Keep up the good work maintaining your boundaries and preserving your mental health. And you're even showing the best kind of love toward your brother by respecting him and his choices.

I'm impressed. You're a good role model for others here, including me.   

[Lilyloo]

Thank You biggerfish!!   It's always good validation to get replies. Hope you are having a good day

[moglow]

LindaLoo, this all sounds too familiar - mine is much the same. She'll rage and raise all manner of hell, say the most awful things then complain that I (and others) don't visit, rarely call. She really doesn't seem to get the connection, that her behavior is the driving wedge between her and other people. That her treatment of them is the REASON things are the way they are.  But at the same time she demands "better," more respect and compliance with herself and her "needs". She gets it all (or as much as it ever is) out of her system then seems truly baffled that people are avoiding her. Not one shred of responsibility for what she's laid waste around her, no apology for the abysmal way she's treated others.

Like you, I've stood firm on my own lack of involvement with any eventual care. Her only daughter or not, that woman isn't going to come live with me nor me with her. It quite simply wouldn't end well, for either of us. At this point I can't honestly say how I'd respond to one of her meltdowns in person, where I'm stuck with her and nowhere to go, no way out. I just think it best that I not put either of us in that position and put it to the test.

Don't you hate the apparent divide and conquer attempts?!

[Lilyloo]

Thank you moglow!  So very true that they don't seem to get the connection that their behavior is at the root of all the problems. They demand and feel entitled just because they are called 'mother'  I believe we earn the right to respect and I have never felt my mother respects anyone, or deserves respect.  I guess they have no inner thoughts that what they have done is wrong. I surely would feel guilt if I lost it and raged at someone. I would say I'm sorry and feel terrible about what I had done.

I'm grateful to hear someone say they feel as I do about taking our mother's in. It seems to be expected of us, but I stand firm also on this matter.  I could not live one day in the same house with her. That would be a battle waiting to erupt!  I know it's going to be a fight with my brothers, at least the middle one who is her medical power of attorney.  It's hard enough taking care of an elderly parent, even a sweet and loving one, but...taking care of a mean one, nope I cannot do it!   My mother will be most difficult when she loses control of her life. 

Yes I do hate the divide and conquer. I'm glad I learned to see through all of it.

Thank you and