After 4 years of NC, I find hidden texts & appalled by my own therapy letters

[Kovera]

Hello everyone. It's been awhile since I've posted, but have been in & out of the forum lately & gained a lot of perspective and growth in my healing. A lot has happened since my last visit. I've been 4 years of no contact with my enabling and covert narc mother and FOO. After my last text to her telling her to stop contacting me,  she kept texting me a  few more times and leaving a couple of guilt inducing and then demanding voice mails, I eventually blocked her number.... things got quiet and so I came to the conclusion that she finally stopped...or so I thought. Only about a month ago i get an unusual text from one my past employers saying that my mother stopped by her office (where I used to work) to ask for information about me. How my mother even got to find the address of my place of past employment I had no clue, but later I found out she went to a few past friends (whom I've also cut contact with when they tried to coerce me into talking to my mother again when I went NC) to figure it out and give her sob story.

So my enabling mother gives my employer the "mail" that was sent to her address (which in previous attempts to contact me, she used the "mail" excuse to send my GC brother to go to my apartment uninvited.) I was so shaken up at this moment, because now my mother was going as far as to play victim with my social circle and gain pity for the "poor mother" trying to recover her relationship with her "crazy" daughter. Fortunately, my friend &past employer is educated on this kind of thing and even told me she sensed that my mother was trying to gain sympathy from her. It was both validating and relieving to know that I had that support from this co-worker. She just nodded, smiled and stayed kind but refused to give my mother any current information about me and didn't play along into her game... thank God 

That aside, she gave me the pile of mail in an envelope that my mother put together. I took it home and inside there was a letter my mother wrote to me about "praying for me every day that I'll come back, not knowing what she did wrong and asking forgiveness" and the endless "I am your mother" ticket, which usually indicates her supposed right to be in my life regardless of all the abuse. This letter shook me up for days after into a cycle of both hating yet missing my mother at the same time. A few nights later I was clearing old messages from my phone, and that's when I realized that there was a string of messages I didn't recognize hidden in my phone's deeper storage spaces. Turns out my phone's block feature still saves blocked messages, and still stores them in another data folder I was unaware of. And who else but my mother, continuing to send me texts long after i blocked her. Everything from "your pet has died we just buried her" to "happy birthday I am your mother god bless you" and even one more from the GC brother, trying to guilt me telling me indirectly that I'm full of anger and "even though you hate us we are your family come back whenever" text. Just glancing at these messages sent me into a mode of recurring PTSD and anxiety for days after. I was even tempted to break no contact because I started feeling guilty. luckily I am aware of my feelings enough to know that i need to wait and assess myself before ever making a decision in regards to my family. I stuck it out and still am NC. Unfortunately I've been getting this nagging feeling that closure on my behalf needs to happen soon, as my enabling covert narc mother is aging and I know the whole "your mother is sick" fiasco is going to come as she eventually will be dying of old age.

I've gone over with my therapist about the issue. I've decided some time ago that I will be contacting my mother again someday to confront her about all the abuse, with realistic expectations of course. I plan to do this for my own healing, not for her comfort. So it was suggested in my therapy to write down or make a letter to my mother to say all the things I would/could say to her about how I feel, all the abuse, and anything/everything I wanted to get off my chest. I've attempted this in the past and usually stopped after a few sentences because the process would bring up so many hurtful and angry memories I would just slam my laptop shut and quit typing out of frustration. Just recently I've attempted it again for the sake of looking at my own words and feelings from another standpoint. This time, I withstood it a bit longer... and man I was shocked at the words that came both out of my mouth and on the screen. I re-read it and realized how much I've been bottling up inside all the decades of abuse I've had with my FOO, my mother being the enabler of it all. I empathize with my siblings to some degree because I know they suffered the same abuse I did as kids... but my mother knew very well how much abuse she exposed us to and refused to put a stop to it, so most of my anger is towards her and how she supported our narcissist father for her own selfish needs. I look at my own sentences and words out loud and feel guilty with myself of being capable of such horrible cuss words and insults being hurled at them, even though my FOO destroyed me for most of my life. Sometimes I worry that I'll become like them... that one day i might end up saying or doing the same hurtful things they've done to me. I fear ever having children because I worry that I'll become just like my parents in some ways. i look at these personal therapy letters (not to send, just for personal therapy purposes) and while they do give some relief and insight, I feel guilty and angry with myself for thinking of such appalling words.

Anyone else go through this before ever confronting a PD parent? How did you manage your feelings beforehand and did you stick to your decision?
I know it will still be some time before I see my mother again. But I want to go in with a calm and clear sense of what to say and with firm boundaries as well as clear cut, respectful communication. it will be my last meeting with her, as I've decided I am not going to be a participate in her care giving or funeral when that time comes, and I wanna make sure I leave with a clear soul and leave the responsibility of the past where it belongs... with HER, not me.

[overitall]

Hi Kovera,

I also decided to confront my uBPDm and uNPDf regarding all of the ongoing, toxic behaviors that they would not stop....I was completely prepared and calmly approached them....I was met with complete denial....they flipped everything on me and attacked me, beginning with "you were such a horrible baby"....well, you get the idea....it turned into a list of complaints about me from my entire life...

Others may disagree, but for me, I found it completely futile to attempt to have any meaningful or honest communication with my PD parents...they accept zero responsibility; they deny any and all inappropriate behaviors (my uBPDm was telling my teenage children behind my back that they had every reason to rebel because "it must be so hard to have Overitall as your mother")

I also used to get the syrupy "we love you" cards, mostly after a particularly vicious attack on my character (any and everything I ever did was not right)  I also heard the "we are your parents" and "family sticks together"

I personally would not confront her....if you feel as if you want to communicate your feelings, you may want to just send a letter...I think if you confront her in person it will become an attack on you and your anger and frustration will explode.  I have been NC over 8 years now and the biggest frustration from my PD parents is that they cannot access me...I do not respond to anything they say or do...they have tried so many ways to trigger me, but I refuse to respond to them....at this point, I think they have accepted that I am done.

I know it's hard...it took me way too long to go NC....it has been the very best decision of my life, honestly....hang in there, it is tough

[daughter]

I'm NC for 7 years, the former Dutiful Daughter/SG to a malevolent NBM and a "boss of you" enNF who self-identified as "victim of your mother (NBM)" while throwing me under the bus, over and over again.  I've one sibling, my GC "princess" nsis, NBM's BFF mini-me, as blatantly favored as I was overtly disfavored.  These circumstances aren't "fixable", and I was the only genuine "victim" of this dysfunctional scenario - everyone else benefited to some degree, whether having a obedient SG target (me), someone to ridicule and disdain (me), or free labor, or polite hostess, or reliably generous giftbearer (me).  I was repeatedly told "it is what it is; we won't change" (sounds like some recognition of bad behavior, but actually just self-entitlement to behave as badly-rudely as so desired).  I was repeatedly told "we are your parents; we can say and do whatever we want" (more self-entitlement).  I was also frequently ordered to "not tell", whether my friends, or boyfriend, or DH (again suggesting some self-recognition of bad behavior, but really just erasing me as a person worthy of respect and kindness too).

My enNF presents himself as "Mr Nice Guy" with a "demanding wife" (NBM), and I did, in the last few years of Dutiful Daughtering, try to confront him with the FACTS of my sadness at my mistreatment by NBM and nsis, and by enNF enablement of this obvious bad behavior and disdain.  Even while quite bitter in his own furtive complaining about NBM, enNF didn't "allow me" any complaints.  He'd hector me with "you're emotionally strong enough to endure that cruelty", to tell me it was MY PROBLEM "that NBM didn't like me", told me it was "my job" to "fix your mother", etc.  HE told me I "had no right to have issues" with my mistreatment.  Absolute 100% resistance to notion that he had any responsibility for protecting me, to being a Good Parent.  Lots of self-absorbed self-pity.  Unwilling to listen, unwilling to intervene, unwilling to address obvious issues.  His responses eventually encouraged me to go NC, remain NC, and yes, block everyone's phone numbers and email addresses.  There was no accountability here.  Nor willingness to make constructive changes to implement simple civility towards me.  Nope, I was either powerless self-effacing dutiful daughter, or else I'd be labelled flagrantly offensive bad daughter. 

I was Out of the FOG long before my NC decision.  I learned the hard way that you can't fix your subordinate (abusive) relationship with a personality-disordered person.  Even if they are your parent.  Even with society's expectation that we "respect and honor our parents".  I "respect" my parents by no longer permitting them to directly abuse me.  I've largely removed that opportunity, though they STILL lash out, whether to outright disinherit me (legal documents sent by mail) or emotionally manipulate my oldest yound adult son as "pawn".  We can't fix our difficult abusive parents.  We can, however, fix ourselves, and in doing so, learn to accept, without futher contact or intervention, that our parents are toxic to our emotional well-being, and so should be left uncontacted, unconfronted, and mere footnote to our lives.  I doubt "confrontation" would bring genuine closure for you, nor provide a meaningful emotional release to the sadness and upset in regards to your dysfunctional FOO Famiy history.  "Confrontation" is likely to stir-up more of that topsy-turvey baffled response from your mother, a mix of guilt-tripping denials and obfuscation of the obvious truths, to counter your statements concerning past experiences.  I'd recommend Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.  So far, NO RESPONSE is the best response, even to these provocations and hectoring hoovers via other people.  NO RESPONSE to pokes is most effective. 
[/i]

[Kiki81]

I'm with Daughter and the others who reject the concept of Confrontation as being beneficial in any way to US. I had a mini confrontation 5 years ago with my uBNM and I saw how damaging a bigger one would be for me and how wonderful confrontation is for the personality disordered and their love of drama and chaos and being emboldened by our misguided attempts. All due respect, your therapist is wrong if she believes confrontation brings closure.

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi Kovera 

I get the idea of wanting to say your piece and be heard, but in my case, I  knew it would be completely pointless.  UnBPD Didi and unNPD Ray, in their minds, could do no wrong and were perfect parents, so any blame for a bad childhood would fall on me - and I've already had MORE than enough invalidation in my life!   

Instead, I just stuck to my boundaries about lowering contact to a call once every 3 weeks, and stuck to Medium Chill, and told Didi nothing about me, DH, the pets, our lives - not a crumb.  I pushed her many health complaints back to her side of the table with, "You need to call your doctor.  I can't help you." - and any other complaints about  "somebody" should be doing x, y, or z for her were met with, "Call Merry Maids."  "Call the Senior Van."  "Call Meals on Wheels."   

She just "couldn't" she said - so nothing got done and she had to do her own cooking, while plotting and scheming "medical emergencies" that coincided with my DH going away on business -  until I realized I was the one arming her with that info, and stopped.

She then decided she was OWED a hospital bed in our living room, where I would treat her like an infant and be her slave, 24/7, while she slowly drove me mad.   

Nope.  I lowered contact even more, didn't fall for her medical or death hoovers, and stayed away - even when she really *was* diagnosed with terminal cancer and went to a Hospice facility.

I didn't see her - why bother?  She was mad as hell that she didn't "win"  and was going to use a visit as the opportunity to say every horrible thing she ever thought about me, and I just didn't need another live performance.

Besides, I didn't want to take the bait and tell her to go to hell.  It just didn't seem necessary - and neither did addressing all the abuse she dished out to me.  She wouldn't accept it, wouldn't believe it, and she
wasn't long for this earth, anyway, so what good would upsetting her really do?   

She died and I was FREE of her Reign of Terror over who really runs my life - and THAT I could live with!   

That's when unNPD Ray popped up on the radar - he'd been living in their hoarded up house, but really didn't want all Didi's stuff, so I set about dehoarding it and found out I could have NO relationship with him - he invalidated me, took the side of people who didn't have his best interests at heart and made me *the bad guy* - me, the one doing all the flipping work!    - and was constantly hovering like a child playing at, "Look at MEEEEEEEEEE!"   

The worst came when he started revising history - the man who spanked me *at least* once a day claimed to have NEVER spanked me - when I put him to the question he said maybe once and NEVER with the wooden spoon (I asked), because only a monster would do that to a child.

Well, Ray, guess what - you WERE that monster, and  you broke a couple of wooden spoons on my backside, then I'd get screamed at and spanked bare-handed about THAT!   

I knew again confronting him would be absolutely pointless because he'd revised history so much!   

He and Didi hated each other and fought bitterly every day, but now that she was dead, she was a SAINT, and perfect, generous, kind, loving - all the things she *wasn't* - and if he could whitewash her that much, what had he done to my childhood?   

I finished dehoarding and went VVVVVVVVLC instead.  He'd call here  and I wouldn't call back - and seldom called him.  I mentioned once he should get Life Alert and he refused, but months later, thought of it all on his own, doncha know?   

But he didn't USE it!  Instead he'd call me, and I wouldn't answer.  I figured he'd figure it out on his own, but he never did - even his visiting nurse had to tell him to press the damned button after he'd called me, but I didn't answer, so he called her - and he was having a heart attack!   

Six months later,  he didn't press it again, and I got the call I always knew I was going to get:  the visiting nurse is there, Ray isn't answering the door, the lights are on, the mail and papers are piling up - can I let her in?

No - call the police and have them break in.   

Which is what happened - and they found Ray on the bathroom floor, conscious, with his Life Alert right by his hand!   

He was pulled out, taken to the hospital and declared incompetent.  I got POA, he went to a memory care unit, I went NC and wound down his affairs.   

He overplayed his hand, thinking they'd make ME come over and be his slave but nope, he's where he needs to be - and probably needed to be at least 10-15 years ago, and the last I heard from one of the social workers, he's mad as hell at "that damned girl."   

Ray is always mad as hell at something, and I've been downgraded to A Girl Has No Name, so I'd say I made the right decision.   

Maybe he can't - or won't - remember the past, but I'll never forget - and the child inside me skips and plays, knowing Ray is in Monster Jail and will never hurt her again - and will die there, in the company of all those "old people" he said were so disgusting.  (At 90, Ray ain't exactly a spring chicken!)

So, you don't have to confront to be happy, or get "closure" or because your T thinks it's a good idea - especially if you think it won't go well and will blow up in your face.

Instead, you don't HAVE to break NC at all - even when she's old, sick and needs care.  She can figure that stuff out without you, and you can have a *fabulous* life, knowing she's made her bed and now she's got to lie in it - and will never be able to hurt you again, in words or deeds.   

If you want to write it out - do it for YOU, in a journal, where you can say anything you want, and be as vulgar and profane as you want, because nobody is going to see it but you. 

You can call names, you can drop F-bombs - YOU make the rules, and you get to *say whatever you want, without fear of reprisal.*

YOU get to tell the truth and have the LAST WORD. 

[Foggymoggy]

Another no vote for confrontation here.
You sound very genuine and caring in your post. It sounds like you are coming from a place of wanting to share a very honest and thorough assessment of how she has treated you and what it has done to your lives. However, honesty has no value to her and your words will be cultivated into a new treasure trove of things she knows have/will hurt you. Please don't give her that; she does not deserve your honesty and vulnerability.

When I was around 22 or 23, my NF expressed to his sister that he was sad we didn't have a closer relationship. At her nudging, I poured my heart out in a handwritten letter and mailed it to him, thinking he truly wanted an explanation. A week or so later, I got a letter back. However, it was the full text of my letter. He had typed my letter in all caps, printed it out triple-spaced, highlighted parts, and "corrected" my honesty and pain in the space between the lines. It hurt like hell. My truth was treated like a failed assignment.

Now, I work hard to treat painful memories by confronting myself to truthfully acknowledge how horrible he was/is rather than minimize and dismiss. Processing this way helps me feel stronger, and reminds me that NC is a healthy choice.

[40andfab]

Hi Kovera,

While no one can tell you what to do and everyone's journey is so personal with NC or VLC, it speaks volumes to me that reading her letter or even her texts had such an impact on you, I wonder if a face to face confrontation would be safe for you.

In my experience dealing with a PD person anything you express to them is twisted and turned around and used to hurt and traumatize you over and over again, this is the purpose of NC, to protect yourself. I tried to have one final phone call with my mother and the things she said were so horrific and abusive, so I, deep in the fog, sent a final email pouring out my feelings, desperate for understanding and so honest in trying to bridge the gap between us. The response I received was appalling and hurtful, but it was a gift, I was completely mocked and I was blamed for all the bad things that happened in my family, in writing. Sometimes when I get the idea that I can safely make contact or have "closure" I re-read these emails, mine and her response, and remember why I don't speak to her and what she is capable of.

The idea of closure is such a beautiful concept, but what does it really mean? Does it mean we get to finally express our hurts and trauma to the people that hurt and traumatized us? Does it mean we get one last say before we never speak again? Does it mean we are trying to repair the relationship? Does it mean we can walk away with peace and composure? To me, closure means peace, and you can have closure without speaking to the person who abused you, if you think about it people do it all the time after someone dies, they make peace with things and let it go. We have this concept that it has to happen in person, but I believe true closure and forgiveness is wholly one sided. I love and forgive my mom and wish her well, but the consequences of her behavior are that she won't have me in her life, however much that hurts.

One more thing, and this is only from experience, if your words are angry in your letters (which is totally and completely normal and okay!!) do you think if you confronted your mom you would be able to do so while still maintaining your integrity?

What I mean by this is that our own anger is normal and appropriate in response to abuse, yet in a dysfunctional PD family, there is no outlet for expression of these feelings  -- the only ones allowed to say mean things are the addicts and PD's (because in their mind others deserve it), yet us being human and all, they build up sometimes inside the scapegoat and come out at the wrong time. I know in my family my one expression of anger, something that paled in comparison to what has been "allowed" by others in the family, was a tool used over and over again, those few words have somehow been "proof" that I am a horrible terrible person who deserves to have been abused and plops me right back into a swirling foggy guilt that opens me up to further and further abuse. It is one reason that I realize I am different than my family - I actually feel bad about any angry words I may have spoken and take responsibility but in my family taking responsibility for your own half, means taking responsibility for all of it - if that makes sense? I don't know how your family is, but safe people who can bring closure to situations are those who can take responsibility themselves, and not blame and project all over you. I worry about you in this respect, because PD abuse is so insidious.

Take care of yourself first, and if anything, really define what version of closure you are after.

Peace.

[Jade63]

4.5 years NC here. I would have to agree with EVERY response.

The only way it may be satisfying for you is to confront with NO expectations...NONE. If you want her to suddenly (or even eventually) see things from your point of view IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. She has buried herself in complete denial of your feelings and her affect on them.

From my overt NF, I received a blank stare, and then he simply changed the subject.
From my covert NM, I received blame and the smear campaign.

~Jade

[Kovera]

Thank you everyone for all your replies, there is much inspiring input and I'm thankful to you guys for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I see a lot of resilience in your own struggles with NC. You are all awesome and strong people to have survived such ordeals 

I apologize for getting back to the thread with such delay, usually I'm a bit better at keeping up with my own posts. This PD situation in particular makes it difficult to face and write about, so I often take too much time questioning myself before coming to answer... I'll do my best to communicate without scattering my thoughts too much 

I know not to  expect anything out of confrontation with my mother. I've long ago come to the conclusion that she will never admit to what she's done, she chooses to live in her denial to this day. Admitting what she's done would mean facing the reality that her marriage, children and virtually all of her lifetime was all in vain to please and serve the narcissist (our father) and carrying out his motives. It would mean admitting she was never the "perfect" sacrificial martyr wife and mother she has led everyone to believe she is. At her age, it is far too late to change the relationship on her end, the way I see it after decades of abusing me/my siblings,  the behavior is so instilled in her that it is pretty much going to be the norm if I ever decided to continue a relationship with her... which I firmly decided I wouldn't when I chose NC.  I refuse to continue sacrificing my own mental health and look away from the abusive reality that she exposed us to in order to continue to fulfill her desperate need to feel as if her beloved narcissist "wasn't all that bad." I still get periods of sadness, missing my mother and wanting to see her again, remembering the times we spent together that seemed like a real mother-daughter bond... but then the awakened part of me realizes I'm not necessarily missing her, but rather what the inner child in me wanted her to be. It feels weird knowing and identifying the two sides of my thinking; the inner child that still wants to believe she had a mother who loved her, and the adult who's Out of the FOG and knows what's best for her own sanity. Strangely enough, being fully aware of my feelings and emotional turmoil, it doesn't make it any easier to fight off the feelings of stirred inadequacy and loneliness when I realize I never truly had a family beyond the biological connection. We may be blood related, but there was never any love, emotional support or bonding,.. the things that truly define and create a family imo.

The reason I want to confront her is to get the burden off my chest and off my life. I feel like ignoring the nagging feeling that I was never heard or stood up for & not facing it before she dies makes me a coward in the same way my mother is. I never confronted my father before his death, I was naive and ignored my feelings, never voiced myself and let my FOO walk all over me and guilt me into playing the "dutiful daughter," forcing myself to pretend to "forgive" him and even care for him as he drank himself to death. I regret not speaking up for myself and leaving, like he got away with everything. The way I see it, confronting my mother I want to release the burden of all her enabling and abuse, because it was never my responsibility. What she decides to do with it, won't be (and never should've been) my problem to begin with!

I guess wanting to be heard is the central feeling I have in all of this. My therapist doesn't suggest it, as many would say abusive parents rarely, if ever, admit to the abuse & make any real effort to truly apologize and change their ways. I was told to go in with realistic expectations, which I've given much thought before deciding I want to continue. I know I do want to do this, not for my mother or trying to change her, but rather for myself to get it over with and move forward... I guess in a way releasing the past and letting go of it to her face. When I went NC, I didn't really say why, I just stopped talking to her and said don't contact me anymore. I was still in the FOG back then. Now, I know that the survivor in me was trying to escape on a subconscious level... and she wants to make it clear she won't be abused anymore.

[JenniferSmith]

I will share my experience.

I wrote my mother a letter confronting her on her abuse of me and it was the best decision of my life.

It wasn't a decision I made lightly though. I did it after nearly five years of weekly therapy. My therapist did not suggest it nor encourage it. It was a decision I came to on my own after working through years of healing from physical and emotional abuse, much of it when I was too young to remember.

I did not write the letter for her. I wrote it for me.

I grew up utterly terrified of her due to being physically abused at such a young age (toddler). The letter was the first time I could actually speak up and stand up for myself in relation to her. I needed to do it. I needed to call the abuse what it was, rather than couch it in term of us "having a bad relationship."  There are generations of abuse on that branch of my family. I was the first one to stand up say I reject it.

I didn't care what her response was. I asked her to give me privacy and leave me alone, and of course she couldn't do that. I took all the letters she sent after that and put them in a box and didn't read them for five years, when I went back and read them with my old therapist. Then I put them in a box and haven't looked at them since.

My n-mother is not a severely mentally ill, intrusive, stalker type. She is very high functioning, professional, and puts up a fake persona to everyone except those who lived in our home when we were young enough to be controlled by her. I didn't have any fears of her stalking me or anything like that when I sent my letter. Had she been that type, it might not have been the right choice. I also didn't have children of my own, so I didn't have to be concerned about their relationships with her.

Its been many years since I sent that but it is a decision I have zero regrets for. It empowered me on a very deep level. There are still many painful dysfunctional dynamics in my family. Some of those might be different now had I not sent the letter but I still have no regrets.

Best wishes to you OP ~~~

[all4peace]

Kovera, I think you are carefully weighing the pros and cons and that you're realistic about your motivations and how your M may or may not respond.

I faced my parents recently, first in writing but then in person. It felt very important to me to face them in person, to reassure the inner children in me that the adult was now in charge and could handle it. I'd been facing a lot of anxiety and fear, and when I finally faced them in person (with my T as support) my anxiety finally subsided. It didn't resolve anything with my parents. If anything, that's worse. But I also have that to look back on, to know I truly tried everything and my T was a witness to the whole process. My T also didn't recommend it, thought they were "ineligible for reconciliation" and that I "didn't owe them anything." Still, I knew it was what I needed to do.

I think you should do what you need to do for yourself. You're already weighing pros and cons. You already know that it may not improve anything. And you already know what it feels like to have a parent beyond reach (in death) and to not have done what you're contemplating doing.

My best to you!