Negligence/enjoying your insecurities?

[eternallystuck]

Hello

I've been pondering this for a while now & was curious whether as to others experience this with a pd parent

So lookswise I'm fairly confident (without sounding bigheaded here), I get a lot of attention from guys & haven't really struggled attracting them in a fickle sense..but like most ppl I have an insecurity or 2.

When I was younger my npd's stupid N partner (not my dad) hit me in the face with a door in a rage.

I was bleeding for ages & it turns out he killed the nerve in my front tooth. Go figure! The only reason they didn't fall out is Cos I still had a brace on that saved them. (Jeez thanks mom , another 1 of your terrible choices in men bites me in the butt again!)

Ever since it's always stayed discoloured even after treatments (hello, it's dead!) & to make it worse my teeth have never stayed straight since.i was weeks of getting them perfect too. Imagine putting up with metal in ur mouth through your most self conscious years then getting knocked back to square 1. I was quite pissed to say the least.

At the time & out of guilt my m paid for budget treatment but I was so peed off cos they basically told me this discolouration was an ongoing issue I'd have to fund.

However bc my m chose the dentist & it was budget, it barely fixed the issue & so Terribly insecure about them, I continued Into my teens NEVER smiling & somehow managing to get laid. Kudos to me?!

But truly it affected my confidence, I would settle somewhat thinking ok I can't quite get what I want because of this flaw. The hot guy wouldn't want me long term.  I have to settle, & so it caused problems in my relationships

This continued to be a major source of depression & social anxiety for me & every time I brought it up to my cold npd m she was so so disinterested. Literally shut me down everytime. But when it came to GC sis- kid got whatever she wanted.

The dentist would often make comments to me like aw it's such a shame Cos ur so pretty! And I'd think jeez thanks, sorry I don't have £6000 to fix an issue I didn't even create.

I still haven't been able to afford the money required to get them acceptable again. & my m has 0 interest in helping me, despite this being another factor in ongoing depression. I can't tell you the anxiety I get in social situations when some1 says smile.

Recently I've felt her bringing attention to them in a smug way in convo & ive noticed this a good few times over the years.

Honestly I may be going mad but I feel she genuinely enjoys this insecurity in me & would hate for it to be fixed .  She feels like one of those jealous m's that can't stand their daughter being more attractive /getting attention.

It really bothers me Cos A) her stupid partner caused the issue B) she left me to suffer with this all through my teens by being stingy & taking me a rubbish dentist & C) it stings that she may get some enjoyment out of it

Thinking about it, she's deffo been financially comfortable enough to help me with the costs. And I know other women who's m's helped them..but know, I am left to sweep up another one of her mistakes.

Does anyone else feel that? Like they take some sinister, sly joy in watching you struggle?

I'm pretty convinced I would of become a presenter by now if it wasn't for this holding me back

I'm tryna save, but it's difficult as the black sheep. I have a lot of priorities that come first

But if I ever have kids, I'll be sure not to neglect them & get it fixed straight off so they can enjoy their lives

[Penny Lane]

Oh yeah. This sounds like a double bind to me. Cause a problem for you, then make digs to make you feel bad about the problem.

I hope you can save up enough to get it fixed! In the meantime I imagine other people don't notice your tooth nearly as much as you do (and your mom wants them to think they do).

Could you shift your thoughts about the tooth? Right now you see it as a flaw, as you're defective. I see it as an example of how you survived even when your mom failed to do even the minimum to protect you from abuse (!) or even get you the medical treatments you needed (!).

Actually, she is the one who should feel insecure. And really, maybe that's why she tries to make you feel bad about it.

[athene1399]

I have high anxiety and some depression from the crap that happened in my childhood. uPDm always would yell at me about having depression or anxiety. She took it as a slight against her. Since I had depression symptoms she must be a crappy mom and she couldn't handle that so she would yell at me. She made me feel like I was the one with the problem. That my life was perfect so I shouldn't be depressed (she actually said that to me numerous times). So in my case, my insecurities make her angry.

I am sorry you are in this situation, and like Penny said, you probably notice it more than others. And this is slightly off topic, but my SO has very crooked teeth and is always self-conscious of them. He doesn't smile in pictures for that reason. But that's one of the first things that attracted me to him. I love his crooked teeth. No idea why, but I do. So you never know. Someone may love your smile even if you don't.

[DameMelba001]

     I read this stuff and just can't believe what I'm reading. It never fails ... no matter how much I know about narcs, no matter how many stories I read ...  it never ceases to amaze me how devoid they are of 'normal' caring emotions.

As a mother of two children who I have put before myself day in, day out for almost 18 years I can't imagine a) allowing a partner to harm them b) living with the GUILT of my chosen partner harming them c) NOT trying to make it up to my daughter for the rest of my life d) NOT paying for a cap or ceramic tooth e) the thought of somehow ENJOYING the 'damage' to my daughter is unfathomable to me.

My mum had a large gap in her tooth until she could afford caps in her 60s, and I know how hard it was on her as an attractive but painfully shy person to live with it. There is not a single photo of her smiling and showing her teeth for most her entire life. I really, really do feel for how a tooth makes you feel. I also had a dead front tooth when I was a little kid, and I still remember in my first school photo trying not to smile and show my black tooth. I really empathise with you on this xx

Regarding your mother, we know that having children makes you relive your own life. Then you age and watch your daughter replace you with her young looks and slim figure. Your daughter then has her whole life ahead of her when you feel like yours is ebbing away in middle age.

Your mother will find your looks, future and youth very challenging. She will undoubtedly feel jealousy and there is possibly a sadistic side to her that enjoys you being less than 'perfect' and being 'brought down' a notch or two.

I'm assuming she spares no expense on herself but cheapskates on you ?

I'm not sure of your age but I feel like the sooner you break away and head on your own path the better. You are the pretty scapegoat that challenges her own insecurities and self loathing by the sounds of it.

The injustice of her causing damage to your tooth, then not caring it about it could be used by her for years as a way of bringing you down. I really hope you can cut loose away from her.

I have found a lot of stories like this on quora dot com, and people have shared photos of themselves in similar situations where PD parents have been putting them down. When you see how beautiful and handsome some of the victims of PD abuse are it's just heartbreaking but the comments and support from the community are really heartwarming.

For the record ..... this isn't what a mum is meant to be like.   

[Foxbrown]

Yep, totally get this. When I was aged approx 8 my UNPD mother looked me direct in the eye and said "My god you're ugly" this was as I was excitedly telling her something, can't remember what now but she succeeded in taking that excitement away. I can still feel the pain that caused 30 years on. For the remainder of my life I have believed myself not only to be ugly, but physically repulsive. Exact words I have said to therapists over the years. Like you, I haven't ever struggled with male attention so couldn't really understand the sheer self hatred I felt for myself. I'm working on this now! There are very few pictures of me in childhood as for years and years I refused to have my photo taken, as seeing the captured moment of ugliness would cause me great upset. All family and friends were aware of my hatred of photos, it was a "thing". For my 21st birthday present UNPD mother wanted to book me a photo shoot for my present.....! The glee in her face when I went crazy saying that's the LAST thing I would ever want and getting upset over how insensitive it was. UNPD mother then loved to tell me in front of everyone it's because I'm her beautiful daughter and she want's a beautiful picture of me as she doesn't have many....ARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!

[eternallystuck]

Thanks for the reply guys they mean a lot

Pennylane- that's exactly it, I think she deffo feels insecure that lifelong damage to my tooth wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for her aggressive partner being in my life. I never liked him & had to tolerate him until he left her for another woman (which we all saw coming, since he couldn't keep it in his pants). Here's the kicker- at the time it happened I was told it was an accident& I was exaggerating lying on the floor shouting in pain . It's only when the blood came gushing they realised i wasn't but it was repeatedly drilled in me it was 'an accident'. The way he swung that door was no accident, it was clearly going to hurt /scare me since he was 10 x my size. Years later when they got divorced , my m had the cheek to say we should sue him, only bc that point he had turned his back on her. Lol I couldn't believe it! So my mouths on fire & it's get up & over it, but once she's divorced it's game on?? Beggars belief

Damemelba thanks for your kind reply. I'm super relieved to hear that's not how a mums meant to act, bc my m made me feel bad like  I was making her responsible for it when actually she was- I was only 15 at the time. Exactly, you see my point- this is something I have to repeatedly pay for, for the rest of my life, cos it's always goin to turn discoloured after a while due to the nerve bein dead. And dental care of any kind is expensive here. And she's so blasé! As if I don't have a right to be mad, that her  partner killed the nerve in my front tooth- weeks b4 getting my brace off.  Funny you mention that actually, she doesn't spoil herself perse, but totally spoils my younger sibling & proceeds to brag about it. They're barely 10 & they have like every single game console , 20 odd storage boxes of toys, a super expensive gaming chair , ridic amount of clothes, constant trips - anything they want basically. It sometimes feels real shady he gets overly spoilt whilst she can't lend a bit of money to fix my teeth, which really effects my esteem in social /career settings. In fact she got annoyed one Xmas I asked if I could just have cash instead of the iPad she got, in order to get another round of whitening to my tooth & she got mad saying I was ungrateful :S even tho she knows it really  bothers me. I have literally shelled out £1000s on whitening since that happened. But apparently 'it's not her problem '

Yeah I think ppl underestimate how much it affects you. Like these days it's acceptable to be overweight or not that attractive- but if you don't have a good smile , it's not tolerated. You must smile to greet new ppl, to seem friendly & trustworthy etc. Ppl assume it must be a hygiene issue- ppl assume you're dead broke, even tho the real cost of braces /veneers is almost like a deposit on a house here. It's a big sum to part with. I've found it's affected me in interviews cos of my confidence & especially long term dating, I feel they look at me like you'd be perfect 'if you just fixed that!' & it's a lil disheartening. But I have
to remember guys get insecure about stuff too. I just find it holds me back cos I'm pretty confident otherwise. I've had a few mean comments in the past but generally these days it's the sense someone notices that makes me anxious! I definitely agree with you that my m wants to keep me knocked down a peg. Growing up I always used makeup/Male attention as a way to make me feel better/pump up my esteem & counter the horrid stuff my m said to bring me down & my m always likes to pick at me about it bc of that- saying I'm vain or laughing at me making an effort. I don't feel she wants me to feel good about myself, cos she doesn't. It's like she feels threatened I don't need to cling to bummy dudes for 8 years like she does. I find it pretty disturbing tbh. Why would u want ur daughter to be insecure? That could end up with them in an abusive relationship or dead

I think I just want my freedom to smile back, to be drunk at festivals havin a good time not worrying & bein anxious...whilst I still have some youth left. I wanna be able to smile at ppl genuinely. I get so angry I missed out on a lot of that bein too self conscious.

It's also nice to hear as a mother ur also alarmed by the fact he harmed me! She was so defensive of him at the time, that I was gobsmacked. But altho she won't admit it, we we're often an afterthought to her relationships. They were never a dad to me. I still am taken a back by how she rolls her eyes whenever I talk about how insecure it makes me- even when it was her stupid choice in men that caused it :@

I have been keeping quite a distance from her of late & ironically so has my GC sis which is why she's tried to cosy up to me. However I just started dating a new guy that makes me feel good & the last thing I need is my m bringing attention to that flaw again.

It's nice to know there's some caring mothers out there to reassure me my m's response is not normal