No one understands and i can't decide

[beacartoonheart]

It has been 3 years and 3 months since i have gone NC with my bpd mother. A lot has changed, i moved, i've changed careers and am doing quite well for myself. Because i moved i had to transfer with my work and because my job often requires me to go out of town i've been scheduled to go back to my home town where my Bpd mother lives. My job is very proffesional, and requires me to go in and out of specific locations, some in wich she used to freqent a lot. I'm having a lot of anxiety over this shift. I'm not sure if i should suck it up and face my fear of her humiliating me in public or if i should ask to change my shift. I don't want to look like a slacker at work but i also don't want to have to explain why i don't want to go somewhere when it is my job to do so. I've asked a couple friends who basically just tell me to suck it up and go, but my anxiety is so bad when it comes to potentially accidently bumping into her. I haven't spoken to her or seen her in 3 years, and i left obruptly, i feel she would get dramatic and scream at me in public. I don't want to look bad while in the company uniform as we have an image to uphold. Sad part is if it weren't for her i would enjoy that shift.... Am i letting her win again if i ask to change the shift because of my anxiety towards her? Or am is anxiety my bodies way of telling me i need more time to heal? What if i'm given this shift again in the future? If i go will it make me a stronger person or a much more terrified one of her. I can't believe im scared of my own mother.... Any advice would help please.

[Mommacon]

Beacartoonheart,
Just my opinion, if you have a good track record and working reputation, I would see if you could switch your locations with a coworker (or whatever the remedy is in your company) for various reasons. 1) you're making great progress with NC with your mom and you don't want to go backwards 2) you haven't reestablished communication with her and there is potential for a blow up that would embarrass you and reflect on the company 3) it would benefit you and the company to NOT have a situation, thus helping you do your job better . A very public meeting of theirs type would harm all involved, and really it would harm the BPD parent as well. I think if you have good rapport with your employer and they become aware as to why you relocated, they will understand. They don't want drama associated with the company, I'm sure. You're taking care of yourself and you don't need to feel bad about that. If the employer can't accommodate your request, then just suck it up and take a chance. I believe honesty with your company/boss is best because if some drama unfolds, you can say you tried to tell/warn them . I think they will understand even if they can't switch things around and hopefully your anxiety will go down knowing you tried. Then prepare yourself to remain calm regardless of what she says if you see her. (Medium chill?) look up some of the responses and have them ready just in case. Good luck ! I hope all goes well ❣️

[all4peace]

beacartoonheart, I'm sorry for how much anxiety you are feeling. It's such a horrible feeling. For myself, I found that I had to do inner child work before I could get past the terror of facing parents. Our inner child may need help being protected, comforted and healed before it can be integrated with our adult selves and realize that we--as adults--have the power to face anyone we need to face.

I've also found that I had to completely avoid contact during that healing process when the anxiety was overwhelming.

Breathing exercises, yoga, mindfulness exercises, meditation can all help. When we're terrified, our body is in fight-flight and it's hard to make good decisions or calm down. We can bring our body and brain back into a better space by intentionally slowing everything down. There are lots of apps that can help with this. I have enjoyed Affirmation Pod for walking through helpful messages and then following up with meditation exercises.

My best to you!

[JustKat]

Am i letting her win again if i ask to change the shift because of my anxiety towards her?

No, you're not letting her win. You're taking care of your own health. That's a win for you.

I, too, have an anxiety disorder and when I was still in contact with my Nmother it would increase dramatically anytime I knew I would be seeing her. Just thinking about having to see her for Christmas would send the anxiety into overdrive by November. It was awful.

If changing your shift poses no threat to your job, I'd definitely try that option. Anxiety feeds on itself so if you go to a work event already anxious and happen to see your mother, now you have to do your job with an overwhelming level of anxiety. You won't be at your best so both you and your job performance will suffer. I would think most employers would understand a request for another shift given the circumstances.

If your anxiety is anything like mine I totally understand your situation and would try to avoid any contact if at all possible. Anxiety is a terrible thing and can lead to other health issues, so please be kind to yourself. Hopefully you can change your job schedule so you can put this worry behind you.

Take care, and best of luck with it.

[beacartoonheart]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies, I'm sorry for the delay, it has been a while since I have been on this site and was having trouble finding the reply option. I ended up having to plug in an old computer, my cell phone must not be compatible with the site.

For starters i have no idea what i would do without you guys, you helped in a huge way, and having complete strangers take time out of their busy day to help a stranger out is much appreciated. I'm not the type of person to scare easily and because of the pride I have in my work I had a hard time deciding what was right for me. I'm very hard on myself and admitting that I can't or am not ready to do something is not normally in my state of mind. You all helped me see that I needed to put myself first for once and that I was nowhere near ready to take that leap especially with it being so close to mothers day. I ended up asking my boss to switch the shift, and I'm glad I did because as days got closer and I had no concrete answer as to whether or not I could switch my anxiety grew, my heart would race and I was feeling rather ill. The moment I found out that it was switched is when I knew for sure I wasn't ready, as the weight lifted off my chest. I never had to explain why, luckily my boss never pried.

A very public meeting of theirs type would harm all involved, and really it would harm the BPD parent as well.

Saying this really helped me change my mind, often i have a hard time caring for myself, i tend to put my feelings aside but hurting her is the last thing i want to do especially since she has been doing so well without me. With me out of her life she finally has to learn how to take care of herself and there is no longer anyone there to enable her behaviours. She has a job now, something i have been trying to support for years (she never had a job while i was growing up, i got a job at a young age) you really can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, knowing she has a job now proves that, and that I made the right choice the day i walked away. I would never want to set her back. so thank you so much for saying these words.

thank you everyone, i really appreciate it.

[betta fish]

I'm sorry for all you are going through moving back to your home town.  Is there a possible transfert possible?  Maybe going back to therapy or finding a support group?  Take care of yourself, it is important.  If a public confrontation should happen, you could try to find replies that are unexpected.  If she confronts you, it is to snap you back in your old role.  If your were to come back with an answer like: ''I see you are upset and feel compelled to make a seen, I do not wish to engage in this manner while I am working.'' or maybe''It has been a long time, this behaviour is the reason why.'' Or anything you feel like saying that is out of the box for you.

The other thing I want to help you with is explaining the situation to others who say ''Suck it up.'' that really bothers me when people dismiss your reality because it is family.  The way I have found to explain it is this:

I say ''Imagine you are working in an office: people do not speak to you, unless it is to criticize: they go out to lunch and don't invite you: everyday someone goes out to get coffee for everyone, but you (even though they know you like coffee): when you express ideas in a meeting your are laughed at and the next week someone presents your idea, but now it is the best ever and that person gets all the recognition: Your boss regularly forgets to invite you to an office meeting;  You are passed up for promotions time after time...  How long would you stay in that environment? Most people will leave or have a burnout.  Why is it that when family treats you like this, one is expected to suck it up, year after year?''

People usually understand me better by then.  The idea of being constantly invalidated is put in a scenario everyone can relate to, understanding is much easier for them.
 

[beacartoonheart]

Thank you betta fish for your help 🙂 To clarify i did not move back to my home town( i could never do that, as much as i love my home town it is no longer my home because of my nc parent) , i moved to a location near my old town wich requires me to sometimes work there. ( sorry if this is confusing i just finished a late shift).
I have not been to therapy for this situation.... And my only support group is this forum and the amazing people in it. I am very good at pretending i'm ok, and i'm pretty stuborn so i'm not sure therapy would work for me, but maybe one day i'll try.

Again thank you for your advice 🙂