My sister's kids want nothing to do with me

[TrashieSellassie]

My sister is probably a narcissist and her partner scored in the 90% range on an online psychopathy test (maybe not that scientific but still - their kids know about the test results too). My own dad might be a covert narc. I find it all very confusing and never know who to trust (I was recently diagnosed with autism).

There's a big age gap between my sister and I, so her and her partner always felt like sort of parents to me? Anyway, a few months ago my brother confronted my sister in front of the whole family about her/her partner's behaviour. As I am sure you can imagine she did not take it well and it escalated. This came out of years of biting his tongue for 'the good of the family'. My brother also stuck up for me on some issues which I thought was very brave of him. She ended up walking out with her whole family. My own dad has been a bit odd and avoidant about the whole thing.

I sent my sister a long email not long after this confrontation to raise concerns I had about what she/her partner had done over the years - the damaging lies etc. (I can give some non-identifying details of their mind games if people wanna know). I said it was hard to say these things because I love her, I tried to be as accurate and balanced as possible in the email.

She never replied to it, then her and 2 of her 3 kids blocked me on Facebook (her kids are all in their mid to late teens). I didn't get anything for her or her partner for their birthdays because she wasn't speaking to me. I sent over Easter eggs for just their kids. My sister sent me and my brother an Easter egg bizarrely.

A few months had passed since the original confrontation/email, so a couple of days ago I finally plucked up the courage to message her one kid who hadn't blocked me on Facebook. I asked if they or the 2 kids who blocked me wanted to go to an event with me. I sent it in the afternoon and got a reply late in the evening that just said 'no thanks'.

I am absolutely devastated. Part of the reason I never full-on confronted her in the past is because her kids were still young and I was worried she would stop them from seeing me. Now they are somewhat independent teens it has still happened anyway. Sometimes I cry, other times feel guilty or angry. I often struggle with feeling like an evil person in general throughout my life.

Tl;dr: Told my sister and her partner they had upset me over the years, they stopped speaking to me. Asked their teen kids if they wanted to go out with me - got rejected and feel sad.

[lostsister]

My sister's kids don't have anything to do with me either.  Last contact was 4 years ago.  They are boys.  They are getting older (20s_....but she still has 'control' over them.

My sister told me and others....she was not preventing the kids from contacting me or my parents. It was the kid's choice.  Yes...told me that and then sent a text message to me meant for them stating - Lostsister is emailing now; don't respond.

I still send birthday gifts and Christmas gifts through my ex brother-in-law.  I don't get 'thank you' or anything.  Nothing....nadda.

I'm told that boys are loyal to their mother.  It gives her nothing from satisfaction them having no contact.  She knows absolutely that those boys were my life  and my mother's life.  She gets great joy in knowing that this is killing us. 

I am also told that as they grow older and realize truths...things may change.  I am not counting on that. 

I have cried until their are no more tears.  I have gone through all of the grieving/loss processes....anger, frustration, etc.  You cannot show the person (my sister the narcissit in this case) that you are hurt or angry or anything.  That just brings them satisfaction.  So I say nothing and do nothing any more.  At times....I feel lost, alone, etc.  This forum - knowing there are others who are experiencing the same thing - has been the only thing that has kept me sane - that and taking care of my elderly parents.  It hurts to see an 80 year old man cry....missing his grandsons. 

I'm also told karma is you know what.  Maybe we will live to see that.

[Yael924]

Those kids are in survival mode. I wouldn't push. Maybe just send a "I love you and the door is always open" and leave it at that.

It's a tough situation -- most of us here have lost contact with nieces and nephews. I feel for you.

[TrashieSellassie]

My sister's kids don't have anything to do with me either.  Last contact was 4 years ago.  They are boys.  They are getting older (20s_....but she still has 'control' over them.

My sister told me and others....she was not preventing the kids from contacting me or my parents. It was the kid's choice.  Yes...told me that and then sent a text message to me meant for them stating - Lostsister is emailing now; don't respond.

I still send birthday gifts and Christmas gifts through my ex brother-in-law.  I don't get 'thank you' or anything.  Nothing....nadda.

I'm told that boys are loyal to their mother.  It gives her nothing from satisfaction them having no contact.  She knows absolutely that those boys were my life  and my mother's life.  She gets great joy in knowing that this is killing us. 

I am also told that as they grow older and realize truths...things may change.  I am not counting on that. 

I have cried until their are no more tears.  I have gone through all of the grieving/loss processes....anger, frustration, etc.  You cannot show the person (my sister the narcissit in this case) that you are hurt or angry or anything.  That just brings them satisfaction.  So I say nothing and do nothing any more.  At times....I feel lost, alone, etc.  This forum - knowing there are others who are experiencing the same thing - has been the only thing that has kept me sane - that and taking care of my elderly parents.  It hurts to see an 80 year old man cry....missing his grandsons. 

I'm also told karma is you know what.  Maybe we will live to see that.

So sad and unnecessary, isn't it? I often feel like I am being punished too for simply setting my boundaries.

I have begun to open up this past year or two and tell other people what led up to this and they are all disgusted by my sister/her partner's actions. I should have opened up sooner to trusted people.

I guess if the kids are still financially dependent on their parents that can add extra difficulty - more fear about disobeying. I don't know - maybe some of them will come around one day but I am keeping my expectations in check.

Yes, I go between "I want to live an honest and open hearted life" to "hide my feelings, it only feeds them" a lot I tell myself that breaking this pattern and being strong will one day set an example if I have kids of my own, hopefully stop future generations dealing with this pain.

[TrashieSellassie]

Those kids are in survival mode. I wouldn't push. Maybe just send a "I love you and the door is always open" and leave it at that.

It's a tough situation -- most of us here have lost contact with nieces and nephews. I feel for you.

That would be a lovely thing to say. I would like to, but there's a part of me that worries it would get construed as me using 'manipulative techniques'. Of course I know the truth so maybe should just go for it. Thanks - sending good vibes out to you too.

[SomethingElse]

So sorry. I also recently discovered I have female autism and that it had prevented me from noticing years of abuse. I wouldn't feel badly at all, although I know how it feels on the other hand. It has been a struggle for sure. Glad you are finally talking about it like I am.

[TrashieSellassie]

So sorry. I also recently discovered I have female autism and that it had prevented me from noticing years of abuse. I wouldn't feel badly at all, although I know how it feels on the other hand. It has been a struggle for sure. Glad you are finally talking about it like I am.

Thank you The diagnosis has helped me realise that I have different coping mechanisms to other people and it is okay if I don't do what is considered 'normal' sometimes. I feel more justified, I hope it had the same result for you.

[blacksheep7]

I'm sorry about your sister's kids. I do understand your heartbreak. 

I am nc with FOO because of NM smear campain.   I was very close to my nieces.

My sister's 2 dd are adults in their late twenties, the eldest very enmeshed with her M.  She uses and manipulates her and gcsis does not see it or does not want to see it. The youngest less dependent.  I think that they probably feel they are not being loyal to their parents by having a relationship with us.   I had to let go the rope after several attempts.

[TrashieSellassie]

Hi blacksheep7. It's funny I have always put a sort of mental separation in my head between me and my sister's kids - I always felt like they were her/her partner's 'property' (sorry to use that awful term but I don't know how else to convey it) and no one else could be fully let in. Like a mini cult or something. Then again I tend to be overly cautious about most relationships I have/trusting people.

I think what is difficult is that extended family members, who don't know my sister as well as I do, assume her getting me an Easter egg is an olive branch. That upsets me because I know her intentions by now, but it plants the unlikely idea that she will come around eventually and gets me asking myself am I being unreasonable?

Your situation sounds similar and must be very difficult for you When I question whether I am doing the right thing I always think of the quote "don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm".

[blacksheep7]

Property is not an awful word, it describes the enmeshment in our families.

Quote:  Then again I tend to be overly cautious about most relationships I have/trusting people.

Yes, I am the same.  My true circle of friends have diminished in the last years since coming Out of the FOG. We  were hurt too many times, or ignored by those who were close to us.  I am not an open book anymore, I trusted too easily. 

Quote: When I question whether I am doing the right thing I always think of the quote "don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm"

No you are not being unreasonable.  Trust your feelings, if you are here then they are  reasonable. It is the Guilt that takes over.

As for my story, as long as NM is alive, I can not have a relationship with gc sister.  Then again I feel that I will need boundaries with my sister as she could drain me if I let her.  Similar to NM counting on me to take care of her emotionally.

[all4peace]

This is really painful when we lose connections with our nieces and nephews, and they with our children.

I'm on both sides of this issue and so see it from both sides.
My kids are polite and kind to Dh's family, but this is family who has treated their father badly, excluded him and tried to pluck out only our DD from our FOC. My kids feel more loyalty to our FOC than to DH's FOO.
Since we set boundaries with DH's family, we are no longer included in family bdays or other family events. We already had been excluded from most of it, but now we are excluded from all of it, so we've also been cut off.

I don't know what to say except that when there is significant conflict, families seem to close ranks with their own. We send bday gifts and well wishes, but we do not send intimate notes or requests. Simply along the lines of "happy bday, hope you have a great day, love aunt and uncle all4peace". I don't want their parents to feel threatened, so I'm very careful.

It really hurts, though, and I'm so sorry for this loss you're facing.

[TriedTooHard]

Its very heartbreaking that you spent years working hard to prevent your sister from cutting you off from her kids, but it happened any way.   I feel your pain.  Please don't be so hard on yourself.  You tried, and I hope you find a way to move on.   I am trying to as well.  10 years ago, I thought I had the energy to deal with a nephew who was brought up in that environment.  But now I'm not so sure.  After what I've been through with my other uPD family members, I know it would ruin my health.  We can't be expected to do it all or perform miracles.  If they grow up to be decent, they will find you.  If not, you might not want to be found.

[TrashieSellassie]

Thanks for your replies and patience everyone (I got distracted by life so there was a delay in me replying!

We can't be expected to do it all or perform miracles.  If they grow up to be decent, they will find you.  If not, you might not want to be found.

I will hold onto to this statement for sure.