Flying Monkey brother

[Mathilda]

I've been reading this forum for some months. I have elderly parents (mother 81, father 85), mother is what I believe a undiagnosed convert narcissist, father enabling. Then there is my brother, diagnosed by a psychiatrist as a borderline with narcissistic traits.

Great family
7 months ago I went nc.
I was visiting, NM en enD were raging at me for no reason and when I stood up for myself ofcourse put the blame on me ...  next I tried to have a calm and reasonable conversation with them with no success, the shouting got worse, so I told them this would be my last visit.
Father replied with "Then f** off!", mother shouted she never wanted to see me again either. So I left and they locked the door behind me (yes, they locked it!).

They live in the same appartmentbuilding as I do. Long story, but I needed a place to live and I guessed things would go better now they were old. I guessed wrong.

They are not very outgoing, so I only run into them sometimes when I go  shopping. I greet them, they greet back, that's all.

Never heard from dearest brother either these last 7 months. My life was peaceful at last  I was a bit afraid of flying monkeys, but no-one showed up, but then I guess most people (including familymembers and neighbours) know my parents far too well.

Until today. I found a letter in my mailbox from my brother. He said he didn't want to interfere (then don't  ) but he wanted me to know how hurt my parents are. They are crying each night    and they are so afraid they may have lost me forever.
My mother cried how happy she was 52 years ago that she had given birth to a girl, me, her daughter! Well, she's had 52 years to show that happiness to me, but I'm still waiting 

He finished his letter by saying he didn't want to emotionally blackmail me (then don't), but asked me to reconsider my decision, for my parents didn't want to lose their daughter and he didn't want to lose his sister .... heartwarming, isn't it?


At first, it seemed the best not to respond. But maybe it would be better to write a short respond, something like yes, indeed this is emotional blackmail, and no, I won't fall for it. That I'm really sorry, but I haven't changed my mind. Tell him to stay out of it, because it's none of his business.
That it's been 7 months and I'm really busy right now (which is true, I'm working, studying, oh, and looking for a new appartment ofcourse). End with something positive, that if they are in real need, they can always ask for my help (because I know they would rather die then do that  ).

I'm thinking about writing my respond on the back of his own letter. That shows I really don't care about his letter at all and I don't even want to waist my own paper to writing him a respond.

Any other suggestions?

[Mathilda]

OK, so I tried to write something as short and mediumchill as can be ...

Do you think this is mediumchill enough?


Hi brother,

Thanks for your letter.
Yes it's true, every story has 2 sides and you only heard one side.
But honestly, it's been 7 months since we had that fight and it's not on my mind anymore.
Sorry to hear that they feel sad, although I don't feel the same way.
Sometimes familymembers just don't get along, for reasons of conflicting characters. Sad, but true.
Ofcourse in case of an emergency they can always come to me for help, but I asume they know.

Thanks again for letting me know,

Sis.

[Penny Lane]

Hi Mathilda and welcome to the forums. Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you've overcome a lot and you have a really great perspective on your family. It sounds like you've already checked out the toolbox which is a great place to start!

As far as your note, have you ever encountered Bill Eddy's BIFF system? It's a way to try to be productive when talking to difficult people. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly Firm. He has a whole book about it but there's a summary here. One thing he says in the book that really stuck out to me is that even he, the creator of BIFF, will ask someone else to edit his BIFF responses. And sometimes they'll cut them by half!

I generally like your noncommittal responses and the short note. But I do I have some questions designed to help you figure out if you can cut more and be even more medium chill. There's no right answer, just what is right to you.

1. Do you need to respond at all? It seems like you're trying to set the boundary that your brother shouldn't come to you on behalf of your parents. Sometimes the best boundary is no response at all.

2. What is the essence of what you are trying to convey to him? Could you just write one sentence that says that, and leave it there? If not, are there any sentences in there that you feel like you have to write to soften it, that don't really hit that central point? Could you delete them?

3. Do you need to let him know that they can contact you in an emergency? To me it seems he'll read that as asking them to pass along the message, is that what you want?

You don't have to answer these questions here (unless you want to), I intended this as more like food for thought.

I'm glad you found us. Good luck with the letter, and I look forward to hearing more of your story on these boards if you want to share it.

[StayWithMe]

As I was progressive l becoming more and more VLC, my sister who likes to be in the middle of communications sent me an email telling that I should call our mother.

I wrote back asking whether she needed to ask about X, Y and Z.  This was a game my mother to play, regurgitating old topics, like how's that woman you never became friends with inhigh school and so on.

My sister wrote back scathingly saying she loves me and so on.......

I wrote back that I felt bad that I did not have new news about these matters and I feel like a failure.  So my sister gave up.

I also find that whenever insult you, simply agreeing with them takes the wind out of their sails. 

Maybe you can find some way to apply this advice to your situation.

[Mathilda]

Thank you, Penny Lane. I'll definitely read the summary of the book you mentioned, it seems helpful.

I feel I do need to respond, otherwise I'm afraid there will be more letters or calls from my brother or worse, he might show up on my doorstep.
Brother is much, much worse than father and mother. He also has a tendency to get violent.
He needs to be treated carefully. He's also completely in the fog. Believes my mother is a victim, believes every story she tells. Therefore my words should be chosen carefully, they must be not too hard, yet firm.

I live only 3 appartments away from my parents.
If something happened to one of the other neighbours (most of them are also aged) I would help them, and since my parents are also one of my neighbours ... I would help them too.  It would be hard to refuse.

[Mathilda]

I also find that whenever insult you, simply agreeing with them takes the wind out of their sails. 

Maybe you can find some way to apply this advice to your situation.

They have always critized me. I'm not kind enough, I'm indifferent to people (especially to mum), I seem to think I know everything better, even namecalling like bitch ...

For years that used to hurt me and I kept trying to prove to them that it wasn't true. But now I WANT them to think of me that way! Please, think of me as the worst unempathetic daughter and sister you can imagine! And then leave me ALONE!   

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi Mathilda - and welcome! 

Yeah, I'm SO sure they cry every night - more like curse you out for *abandoning* them when they're lonely, old, sick and bored.   

I think that may have been the whole point in your brother's email - a fishing expedition to sow the seeds of you becoming their unpaid slave - aka   *caregiver.*

They aren't getting any younger, or healthier, and probably think *you should have apologized by now* and should be doing your "duty" by them and seeing to their day-to-day needs.   

A *lot* can happen in 7 months when you're 81 or 85. 

UnNPD Ray, my alleged father, was 87  and *refused to use a cane or walker* despite numerous falls that would make the entire house shake.   

When he was in the hospital in November of '15, I asked them to do a competency test, which Ray passed.  In January, he flubbed a few questions and still insisted canes and walkers were for OLD people  -  in March, he was pulled out of his house by paramedics (he'd fallen and REFUSED to use his Life Alert, which was right by his hand), taken to a hospital, declared incompetent, and placed in a memory care unit - and I've been NC for over three wonderful years of peace and quiet.   

So yes, their health statuses can change that dramatically, that quickly.

If you want to send something back to your brother, I'd send this:

Dear Bro,

If mom and dad need help with their day-to-day living, they can call Meals on Wheels, the Senior Van, hire Merry Maids, hire home care aides from reputable organizations, ask their doctors to send the Visiting Nurse around periodically, and avail themselves of grocery stores and pharmacies that deliver.

It is impossible for me to act in any sort of caregiver capacity as I am not qualified and have far too much going on in my life.

Thank you very much for your attention to this matter.

Mathilda

You said you want to be seen as cold and uncaring?  That's about as matter-of-fact as you can get!   

And it lets them all know NO, you will NOT suck it up  just because you're *female* and this is what everybody expected, especially since you're so near to their physical location.

That double-whammy might have the three of them thinking you really have NO excuse to be *shirking your DUTIES* for this long!   

I really do think that's what this is all about - unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray both expected the same from me, and I just refused to be involved because they were so awful, negative, medically non compliant, nasty, never had a nice thing to say about anybody (especially ME), and were convinced the world OWED them something - and that something was me being their Old Age Golden Parachute Plan.   

No, they didn't get what they wanted - instead, they had to handle their OWN messes while I stayed out of them, completely.     

I was the only child - and the scapegoat, too.  Lucky me.   

If you're the scapegoat - and it sounds like you might be - it's probably anticipated you'll take care of ALL their needs and grind yourself into an empty husk while looking after two people who probably need to be in assisted living, but are too damned stubborn to go, because they don't want to associate with all those awful OLD people!   

Your reply to your brother makes it clear - NO.  You will not be doing a thing or lifting a finger - unless it's one very special sweary finger.   

You said your parents would never ask for your help - I think they just did, by triangulating your brother to communicate with you.

Or who knows - he may have done it without their consent, because he doesn't want to be IT, and he's trying to throw you to the wolves, so he doesn't get stuck taking care of them and doing what he possibly considers "women's work."   

It's *okay* to stand up for  yourself and put yourself first, because clearly none of them will!   

I could be wrong - but I don't think I am.  Your parents' ages just make caregiving duty seem like the most likely option - and THAT is something you never want to be a part of, with PD parents!   

[Mathilda]

WomanInterrupted,
a few years ago the government of my country decided to cut back on healthcare expenditure, as a result people will only end up in assisted living when they are really not capable of taking care of themselves anymore. Our government expects the elderly to stay at home as long as possible, with assistance from their children, other family members, friends and even neighbours. Only those who have no-one that will take care of them end up in assisted living.

But I always knew I would definitely not become their caregiver. I did small things to help them though, like cook my mother a meal when my father was in hospital, buy some groceries, clean their windows, help them with their tax declaration.  They have a cleaning woman who cleans the apartment every 2 weeks that 's partly paid for by the state and they have the Senior Van.

But a lot of the time they get really mad when I try to help. My mother i.e. started yelling at me  last year for cleaning their kitchen. Why? Because she wanted to do that herself, but she was mad she couldn't anymore!

So I'm not so sure this is about caregiving. But it is definitively about getting  attention. They want me to visit them and listen to all their complains. It 's always been that way.  Always about them. My role is just to sit there, be silent and nod. Feeling sorry for them. In quietness and complete submission. And now they 're old, it 's gotten 10 times worse. I was never good at what they expected from me (thank goodness), therefore the name calling, the calling me insensitive etc.

Well, sorry.  Got a mind of my own and a life of my own.

By the way, I think their crying is also about shame, what will the neighbours think of them if their own daughter who lives 3 apartments away from them doesn't want to visit anymore ? And ofcourse she will try to smear me, but she can do whatever she pleases, I don 't mind. I doubt she will be successful  anyway.

[Mathilda]

I read the letter again today, because yesterday I read it only superficially and then put it away.
According to my brother I was the one who raged at my parents and then they kicked me out. That's what they told him.😂 But he thinks they didn't mean it, because they told him they are crying every night.
And the day before yesterday, when he visited them, my mother was also crying and she said "And when she was born, I was so happy to have a baby-girl!" 

I wrote my response (at the back of my brothers letter) and it's ready to be sent.
I wanted it to sound polite and friendly, yet distant, superficial and uninterested.
And yes, I do offer help in case of an emergency, but my guess is they will hate me so much after my respond, they would rather die than ask for my help (because that's just how they are).

Hello brother,

Thank you for your letter.
After all these years, I still wonder why mum and dad always seem to have their own versions of the truth.
But frankly, it's been 7 months and it's not on my mind anymore. I guess I'm too busy with other things.
It was me who broke the contact. I like it much better that way.
I know they are aged and vulnerable, so in case of a serious emergency ofcourse they can always come to me for help. I asume they know.

Thanks again for informing me,

Kind regards,

Sis

[lkdrymom]

I think you should have told him that your mother said she never wanted to see you again.  You are just following her wishes.

[Mathilda]

Well, NM told him she kicked me out for raging at them, only now both of them were crying for not seeing me anymore    Brother is very sure "mother didn't it mean it that way when she said she didn't want to see you anymore. She didn't mean forever". She simply turned the whole story around and put the blame on me, but brother is very much in the fog so I doubt he would believe much of what I say.
I changed my plan. I decided to write a very short reply to my brother (Hi, thanks for the letter, I broke the contact, in case of an emergency they can still contact me. Bye), and instead I wrote a letter to my parents.
That I had received this weird letter from my brother that I had raged at them and they had kicked me out, reminded them of what had really happened (they were raging, not me, I told them I wanted to break the contact and they had agreed) and that I am sick and tired of their constant tantrums, their creating drama and conflicts, their raging, slamming with doors, and that a few months ago my mother even attemped to hit my father on his head with a mug ... I had to jump in front of my father to protect him from getting injured. That I have a busy life and events like these have a negative influence on me.

That these last 7 months without contact had been the most quite in my life and I like to keep it that way. That I expect them to respect my wishes, and only in case of any serious emergency  they can ask for my help, just like any other neighbours.

[WomanInterrupted]

Oh noes!  You put the truth in writing!?!?   

Expect to have the living hell gaslighted out of  you - that never happened, I never said that, you're misinterpreting things, you don't know what you're talking about, that's a LIE and maybe you need to see a professional because you're clearly delusional.   

If you get *anything* of that nature back - stick to NC.

If you get *nothing* back - stick to NC.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but that's really your safest, most reliable, and BEST option.   

Once the sharks smell blood in the water, stay in the shark cage with your hands and feet inside, at all times! 

Or, they may wail and cry to your brother about all your LIES, and he calls you, wondering what gives - how could you think that of them?  For all that's right and holy, they're your PARENTS and would NEVER act like what you said in that letter!

That's when I'd block him, too.  He obviously doesn't get it and he's being used as a Flying Messenger Monkey.

Then...I'd *really* focus on finding a new apartment, the further away from your parents - the better!   

[Mathilda]

Womaninterrupted, I know.
They'll say that never happened like that, or that they are old, they forget things, and I should be considerate. Bla bla bla bla.

I already blocked my brother 7 months ago (just to be sure), when he calls me he'll be directed to voicemail. He never called me btw.

I'm not sure how he his reaction will be when my mother wails about the letter. He's just as nuts as they are, but I doubt he will believe my mother when she says I'm lying.
He can get angry and even make threats (which I will report to the police), but I doubt he will. He'll probably decide the best thing for him to do is stay out of it. Choose the easy road. He never visits them much, only when he needs money (he's on social benefits for more than 30 years). He only needs to listen to her, agree with everything she says, cash and leave.

Don't worry about the neighbours either. They are still nice to me and talk to me (I don't talk about what happened and they don't ask). These are old apartments and the walls are thin, guess they must hear them screaming at each other 24/7, won't they?

Family, not a real problem either. They hardly have contacts with their own brothers and sisters, only see them on special occasions like funerals and birthdays. They isolated brother and me from the family when we were kids. I never see them.

They are building new apartments in my city and I had hoped to move this year, but the completion has been delayed and I will have to wait for another 2 years ....

So I'm looking for something else instead.

Found this great video on YouTube btw on covert narcissism. This is EXACTLY how my mother is. She's clearly a level 2.
The three levels of covert narcissism by Abdul Saad

[Mathilda]

A few years ago I had a serious conversation with my brother about our parents. I told him I found it very hard to deal with them and he confessed to me that he had thought about going NC with them, but he felt that it would be cruel because they are now old.
He agreed with me a lot, still he keeps defending them. It's weird.

He also seems to have forgotten a lot of the things that happened when we were kids. I remember i.e. clearly how he was being beaten up by my father and my mother was yelling "stop it, stop it, you are killing him!" He was about 6 years old at that time, I was about 4. He has no memory of it at all.

He told me there was a time when he used to cut himself (that was when he was diagnosed as borderline with narcissistic traits, social security services sent him to a psychiatrist to find out what was wrong with him). I didn't know. But he doesn't agree with his diagnosis. The psychiatrist is wrong. He has PTSS because he was in the army for 1,5 years. Oh, well ... 

It's all very sad.