"modified" silent treatment

[Sidney37]

Is there a name for what I call "modified" silent treatment?  I'd like to do more reading about it.  My uNPDm doesn't do full on silent treatment.  She gets mad about something petty, then gives short 1-2 word answers to everything you ask her.  It's passive aggressive and can go on for weeks or longer.  Then because she's "still speaking" to me, she tells people that I'm not speaking to her because I'm not going to call to have her sit on the phone sigh and make snippy comments.  She's been doing this for several weeks now.  I don't live nearby, so when I realized she was doing it, I started calling less frequently.  Then she gets mad because I'm calling less frequently and she ups the "modified" silent treatment.  I have no interest in talking to someone who is now snapping 2 word answers at me and sighing when I talk, so I haven't called in days.  I'm sure she's telling relatives that I'm not talking to her.  Does this have a name or is it silent treatment?

[Thru the Rain]

I don't have a technical term, but these come to mind:

- Manipulative
- Sulky
- Childish

Maybe one of these words will resonate with you and help you put her behavior in perspective. Essentially she's acting like a 12 year old mean girl, and is counting on YOU to "fix" your behavior to appease her.

And as far as her smearing you to other people about this odd impasse regarding who's not talking to whom, possibly she'd be smearing you anyway. So do what's best for you.

I would consider dropping the rope, stop calling or taking calls, and let her stew.

I'm betting that anyone she's complaining to has heard her complain before and is either only half listening or is glad they aren't the ones being smeared this time.

[Andeza]

My Mom does full on silent treatment, doesn't call or text as though she can wait me out. It's a matter of pride to make her blink first these days.

Sounds like a form of manipulation for sure. Why don't you make it a self-fulfilling prophecy? She's already telling people you're not speaking to her... so don't.

[Cascade]

I don't know if there is a name for it but I get these from my husband when he's upset with me. He will still usually answer questions, and will ask an occasional question but will say nothing else. He's pretty bad with conversations even when he isn't angry though. 

[Starboard Song]

God, how I hate that in-between, can't-commit crap.

"Is there something wrong? Because you seem upset?"

I'm fine.

"I'm glad. But all your answers have been like that: short, clipped, like you're angry."

You're too sensitive.

"Good. But see, that tone is totally not like your usual self. Dad? Don't you agree mom sounds upset?"




I can't tolerate it anymore, and hope never to again on this earth.

[1footouttadefog]

I think that dropping the ropes after a reasonable amount of patients is the way to go.

Quit playing the game.  It takes to to tango.

[openskyblue]

My exhusband used to do this. I can't tell you the hours I spent on the phone in "conversations" during which he'd give clipped, annoyed responses -- but would not let me end the conversation and hang up. (He'd rage later if I did.) I'd end up on the phone, listening to him talking cheerfully to others at his work, ignoring/torturing me. Awful!

My therapist at the time gave me some great advice about this -- You will just have to make your boundary and bear his anger. That advice ended up  being very true in many different situations. I think with a PD, we yearn for them to change and "see the light" about how they've treated us. But if this forum is any indication, that is a big rarity. The best you can do is make your own bottom lines and stick to them. That often means bearing their anger, smear campaigns -- and keeping your own counsel, avoiding the JADE and cave. It can be excruciating!

I'm with 1footoutta -- drop the rope. Your mom won't like it and there will be a tornado of threats, smears, and accusations, however if you stick to your boundaries, that will settle down eventually. And the next time you make a boundary, the response will very likely be less intense and there will be fewer flying monkeys. And so on...

Hang in there. This is so hard.

[all4peace]

Dropping the rope sometimes seems like the only sane option. I have an uNBPDm and uNBPDmil who are game players like this. Communication is anything but clear, direct, sensical, healthy. I used to try hard to somehow manage in their games, when only they knew the rules, and the rules kept changing. Now I don't.

It's hard when we worry about how they're portraying us and what others might say.

I'd say do whatever allows you to be your best, healthiest self, without regrets or guilt.

[Sidney37]

Thanks all.  I am reading books on boundaries, but this one is my difficult one.  I've been through it before and clearly didn't handle it correctly.   I'm not calling because I don't like the way that I am being treated on the phone when I do call.  When I don't call for longer and longer periods of time, the treatment gets more passive aggressive the next time that I do call.  I wait even longer to call.  Eventually my enF will call me and ask why I'm not calling.  I don't want to JADE and say that I'm not calling because I don't like the way that I am being treated (sighs, short 2 word answers to questions, mocking things that I say to my enF).  If my father wasn't in the picture, I'd just stop calling at all. 

[openskyblue]

If my father wasn't in the picture, I'd just stop calling at all.

That really is sad -- and tells it all. How hard and unfair to find yourself in this situation.

Sounds like your mother is skilled in the classic art of triangulation. Mom starts losing control (you not calling), so she throws your enFather into the mix to go to bat for her. He lays on the guilt, you cave, and your mom's world is back in its unhappy orbit. My suggestion is to take yourself out of the triangle.

The enmeshed spouse goes into action because they are looking for relief from the pressure of having to deal with the PD. However, at the end of the day, it was your dad's choice to marry your mother -- not yours. So it's not fair to go looking for relief from the conditions of his marriage from you -- his child. You didn't ask to be born into that mix. Sounds like a good dose of grey rock may  be the way to go with him.

Good luck! Seems like you are taking all this on with both hands and feet. Good for you!