New here and at wit's end with Mom

[Iris1022]

Hi all,

This is my first post here but I've been a silent observer of this forum for a while now. I have an uBPD mother and the posts here really resonate with me. For so many years I felt like no one understood my experience but your posts sounds like summaries of my own life! I'm grateful to have found others who "get it."

I feel that I've reached the point where I don't have the mental or physical energy to deal with my uBPD mom's antics anymore. We don't talk very often (she won't call me, I have to call her, and believe me she keeps count) and we live on opposite sides of the country so I don't see her very often either, maybe quarterly. However, every time I see her or talk to her, she starts up with her antics. I recently took my 6 year old daughter to visit her over spring break and I'm still reeling from it. Let's see, where do I even begin...

First, there are the endless toys and candy that she gives my daughter, I think in an attempt to bait her for affection. The amount of junk she buys for my daughter is unreal, then when my daughter wants to sit on my lap or play with me she gets miffed and says, "I buy you all those toys and you don't want to have anything to do with me..."

Then there are the endless medical woes. She doesn't take care of herself and has started having some health issues as a result. But it all feeds her waif persona. She blatantly told me that it's my fault she's unhealthy because if she had "family" around, she would take better care of herself but since she lives alone, she doesn't bother. (Note: she divorced my dad when I was 5 and kept him out of our lives, and she hates all of our family members so she doesn't have anything to do with them either.)

Also, she still vilifies me for getting married and having a life of my own. (It's been 14 years since I got married, by the way.) She constantly spews hate toward my husband and in laws for no reason. Early in our marriage, they tried to include her in things and treat her as part of the family but given her attitude toward them, they don't have much to do with her either. During my latest visit with her, she burst into tears when I told her my husband and I were planning a trip to Paris to visit his parents who will be there as well. She tearfully accused me of never thinking about her needs.

As a final stab, she mentioned to my daughter that she might come to her Kindergarten  graduation. Today she told me she won't be coming because of a procedure she has to have on her eyes 3 weeks before the graduation which is complete BS because the procedure doesn't involve any restrictions. She just wants to wallow in her waif-like medical "issues" and she is too selfish to travel or do anything for anyone but herself. Now I have to deal with my daughter's disappointment.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading if you made it this far! I just needed to get this off my chest as I'm at wit's end here. Feel free to chime in and offer advice if any of this resonates with you.

[coyote]

Just wanted to welcome you to Out of the FOG,
I guess you have already done some reading here when you say many stories resonate. Yes there are many of the same situations faced here. You waif of a mother is a common one. That said the individual impact of dealing with PDs are unique to each one of us. You will find this to be an understanding supportive community that will offer insights and support. I'm sorry to hear you need us but glad you found us.

[JustKat]

Hi Iris1022,

I also want to welcome you to the forum. I'm fairly new to Out of the FOG but was posting on another forum before this one. It's been about 15 years since I found my first online forum for survivors of PD parents and it's been a life-changer for me. I used to feel so alone and doubted my own sanity, but finally hearing from others who "got it" validated me and started me on my journey toward healing.

I hope being here helps you in the same it way it has helped me. A lot of your words did resonate with me. I don't have children of my own but my NPDmother also hated all of her family members ... both of her parents and her five siblings. My mother passed away five years ago and I'm seriously considering making contact with some of my remaining aunts and uncles to see what I can learn about that. My Nmother's contempt for her entire family is a mystery I'd like to solve, that is, when I can build up the courage to make contact with people who she would never allow me to have contact with.

Okay, I'm babbling and don't want to make this about me.

I do hope you feel better for getting things off your chest. Keep posting. It really does help to talk to others who understand.

[moglow]

Welcome to our little corner! As Coyote mentions, there's quite a group of "kids of" here, with varying levels of dysfunction and antics, so we get it. It ain't fun no later where on the scale, but we do get where you're coming from.

So your mother's basically pregaming a crisis of sorts before a special event for your family? My guesstimate is, your daughter will be the center of attention and that grinds. Um okay, mom, she's SIX and it's a big deal for her. "We'll miss you and will send a few pics of the day if you want." Then make no further mention other than positive happy future plans.

It's not that you don't care but really, it sounds like a bid for attention. I get it, she's lonely and may feel left out. Who engineered that situation? She did. Who's responsible for her life and/or entertainment? She is. Who gets to plan better for the future? She does. You can't force her but she needs to recognize her own part in this. Whining and complaints aren't apt to draw others close to us, ANY of us.

I'm also the caller, and when I do mother will more often than not mention in a snotty tone how long it's been since I called last. Not designed to encourage more, I can assure you, but she doesn't see that. Focus on that and I guarantee this conversation isn't going much of anywhere. I think she has some set schedule in her mind and I'm failing. Nothing I can do there.

To me it stands to reason that if no one in the family calls, visits, etc, they're living their lives. After years of being pushed aside belittled and/or ignored, what does anyone really expect? It's not payback, it's people continuing on with what they have rather than holding out for what sometying different that never materialized.

Yeah, I still get it from mine too. The sharp edges have been dulled with time and repetition, but it still chews at me sometimes. I've tried every contortion known to man and she always seems to come up with something new and fun to shake things up again. I just keep repeating: I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.

[Iguanagos]

Hi Iris, and welcome.  I'm sorry you have suffered, but glad you sought us out. 

And yes, I can really relate to much of your post.  I too am the only caller in our relationship.  N/B M never calls me – yet, like yours, she also seems to notice when it's been "too long" since my last call. 

Hey, the phone works both ways!   

Mine also could never be genuinely happy for any positive events in my life – such as a special trip, just like yours. 

Mine also cancelled plans to visit me, sometimes at ridiculously last minute, out of spite, or hurt feelings, or whatever.  BS excuses (sometimes no excuses if she really wanted to hurt) that we can see right through.

And yes, I too am over most of the drama.  Like you, I also live a long way away from her and EF, and see her in person (at most) once per year.  I'm sure she'd like more, but that is all I can handle.  Even that one annual visit stresses me out for weeks beforehand and leaves me traumatized for some time afterward too.  Calls are about twice a month.  That seems to be working for now.

I agree with the advice to not feed the drama beast, and just say, "we'll miss you", and move on with your own happy life.  If she can't be happy about your travel plans, then she doesn't really deserve to hear about them, does she? 

Mine was so negative and controlling (for example, wanted to know exactly where I was going to be on what day while on the other side of the world) that I started only telling her of my trips AFTER they were completed and she couldn't cover them with her negativity.

Arrgh.  I'm ranting too.  But just wanted you to know you are definitely not alone, and we definitely get it.  Again, welcome.

[moglow]

Iris, you'll probably swear before long that you grew up in the same homes or parallel universes with several of us. I swear Iguanagos and I are siblings. Never saw her in my house, but damn. The similarities aren't pretty.

At least you're not alone anymore. 

[JustKat]

Iris, you'll probably swear before long that you grew up in the same homes or parallel universes with several of us. I swear Iguanagos and I are siblings. Never saw her in my house, but damn. The similarities aren't pretty.

Crazy, isn't it? I also had someone in a different forum tell me that we must have somehow grown up in the same house. Our mothers were so similar that they even used the exact same vocabulary words. I swear PD mothers must have some kind of handbook. It's downright eery how the behavior is often EXACTLY the same.

It's tragic to learn that so many of us suffered in the same way but so wonderful that forums like this now exist so we can help each other heal. As Moglow said, you're not alone anymore!

[Iguanagos]

I swear Iguanagos and I are siblings. Never saw her in my house, but damn. The similarities aren't pretty.

I know, right??  If not the same mothers, then maybe they were separated at birth!   

So Iris, you may meet a "twin" or two on here, where you can totally relate to each other's stories.  Like JustKathy said, it does seem there's a PD handbook out there, since the behavior (especially the manipulative behavior) just seems SO similar.

[absolutelynope]

Hi, newbie here. Currently coming to terms with my uBPD waif mother. What you describe sounds very very familiar. The calling thing absolutely does my head in. When I tell her she can call me she says 'oh but I don't want to disturb you when you're busy'. For crying out loud, if i'm busy I just won't pick up!!!!! I spend all week feeling more and more guilty that i haven't contacted her and then when Friday finally comes around and I realise that i need to do something, I have to find a reason to send a text, like ask her a question about a medical appointment or something. Because i can't just send a social text because i have nothing to tell her, nothing I want to talk to her about.

[sarandro]

There is nothing to be done with these people.

Over the years, you try...it just makes it worse

If they weren't our parents, we would not have anything to do with them would we?

Oh... the shaming/the criticism/lying about past events/silent treat (ment)
When you do ring them...giving you the guilt for not phoning more regularly
I don't want to know anymore!