I’m confused. Normal relationship errands?

bohemian butterfly · May 08, 2019, 10:00:21 AM

Sometimes I get so confused.

My parents were dysfunctional (codependent, alcoholic father, codependent, uBPD mother) so sometimes I have no idea if the things that happen in my relationship are normal or dysfunctional.

I took a personal day (took day off from full time job) to stay home and work on a final paper for graduate school. It is supposed to be 15-20 pages; I have about 5 pages left (it's due tomorrow).

My boyfriend is a full time farmer and we live at the farm, so he's always here. So I'm home, sitting here working on my paper and he comes up to me and asks if I will go pickup lunch for him (and the other farmer and myself). He said, if he pays for it, will I go get it?

How do I feel? At first annoyed. I was just going to grab a sandwich from the kitchen and eat while I work. Even though the Subway is just a mile away, it is still a disruption.

It feels like what I'm doing is not important.

But, then again, don't these kind of tasks come with partnerships? I guess my problem is I feel a slight lack of respect.... like a maid?

I'm confused.

So right as I was about to hit "submit" he walked up to me and hugged me and starting talking marriage??!! He said, "I like having a wife." (Meaning me being home, doing tasks??!!)

What the heck?

It's the mood swings that make me crazy.

Update: he just returned and plucked down a sticky note with his order. I asked, what about ****'s (the other farmer's) order? He told me to go out and get his order. I asked him if he could just get it, because he's outside and I'm inside at my desk. Otherwise I'd have to traipse through fields trying to find them (spending more time away from my paper)

He walked away and jokingly? said, "probably" and then name called, while chuckling. Again, under the guise of teasing. 🤪

StayWithMe · May 08, 2019, 10:17:43 AM

My parents were like this: always asking me to do something RIGHT NOW. /yes, it is disrespectful, they don't value your time.

the next time that happens try saying something like: "I would have loved to have lunch with you but not to day. I already started (whatever) and I don't want to stop right now. I could pick up lunch for you around 2:30 if you can wait that long ......."

Tell him once... just once, they you are happy to do fabors for him but he needs to let you know in advance so that you can plan for them......

The reason why I say just once is because he will probably continue to test you. Always say no and then counteroffer ie I can't pick up lunch today but I can tomorrow.

He'll probably say something sarcastic like Oh yeah, I have to send you gold embossed invitation / you're so precious I have to ask for a favor weeks in advance.

You could either say "Damn right!" or "If you want to raise your standards that high, that's fine with me." Very obviously pick up your calendar and flip a couple of months and say, "Oh look, in July I can pick up your lunch for you."

all4peace · May 08, 2019, 10:26:53 AM

I don't think it's a matter of right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. I think it's a matter of clearly spoken expectations and boundaries in your relationship.

In the course of marriage therapy, our T started with DH and I being able to say "no," to mean "no" and to have our "no" respected. It's hard to joyfully say yes if you've not learned to give and receive "no."

So my question would be: Do you feel free to say no if you need to? Does your BF accept no if you say it?

I also believe in trying to say yes when possible. My belief is that loving relationships are built on a lot of yeses, along with the ability to say no. So if you needed a breaking point in your work, then maybe that would be a great time to say yes. "Sure! Let me finish these 2 pages and then I need a break anyway."

Or maybe it needed to be "I can't today. I have to get this paper done and I simply cannot interrupt it right now."

These yeses and nos are hopefully built on a foundation. In a loving, committed, supportive relationship, our partner knows we will be there when we can, and sometimes we can't. When we can't, it doesn't mean we don't love them, are abandoning them or don't care. It just means at that time, we can't. It goes the other direction, too. When we have to say no, we don't need to worry they'll be angry, passive-aggressive or resentful. We trust them to know we wish we could, but we can't this time. Maybe next time, but not this time.

I think it's a matter of clear communication, building in lots of grace, and talking openly about expectations.

When I need something from DH, I now try to do it along these lines:
"Hey, do you have anything going on this afternoon? I'd appreciate help with xyz, but I can also live without it if that doesn't work for you."
or "Hey, I desperately need help with xyz. I can't do it alone and I haven't been able to find anyone else to help with it. Is there a time it would work for you to help me?"

And I try really, really hard to be clear and honest about the communication on both sides of this. Hope that helps.

coyote · May 08, 2019, 10:32:07 AM

"he comes up to me and asks if I will go pickup lunch"; "No" is a complete sentence in and of itself.

11JB68 · May 09, 2019, 11:37:29 AM

I have actually tried not to comment on your threads because I thick I'm projecting way too much of my own stuff when I read your posts.
Your relationship remind me so much of mine with uOCPDh...
My personal feeling is that if I had had this much insight when I was dating him I never would have married him. Once married it is so much harder to get out.
Obviously I don't know your whole story,and I would not tell you what to do, but it sounds like you are seeing red flags, so I would say trust your instincts.
UOCPDh had a habit for a while, when he was pleased with me (ie i was doing what he wanted) he'd say 'you're a good wife'. I cringed every time, it was oneof the few things that I managed to set a boundary on, and the boundary has mostly been respected. He claimed that he meant it as a compliment bit it felt demeaning to me, and especially when, if I did something he didn't like, he was so quick to anger. It felt like he was trying to 'train' me with rewards and punishments.

bohemian butterfly · May 23, 2019, 09:45:52 PM

Quote from: 11JB68 on May 09, 2019, 11:37:29 AM
I have actually tried not to comment on your threads because I thick I'm projecting way too much of my own stuff when I read your posts.
Your relationship remind me so much of mine with uOCPDh...
My personal feeling is that if I had had this much insight when I was dating him I never would have married him. Once married it is so much harder to get out.
Obviously I don't know your whole story,and I would not tell you what to do, but it sounds like you are seeing red flags, so I would say trust your instincts.
UOCPDh had a habit for a while, when he was pleased with me (ie i was doing what he wanted) he'd say 'you're a good wife'. I cringed every time, it was oneof the few things that I managed to set a boundary on, and the boundary has mostly been respected. He claimed that he meant it as a compliment bit it felt demeaning to me, and especially when, if I did something he didn't like, he was so quick to anger. It felt like he was trying to 'train' me with rewards and punishments.

11JB68,

I meant to reply to your post the other day. Thank you for your reply.

Yes, I totally feel like I'm being trained to be this enmeshed wife figure in his life that helps run the farm and keep the household in line.

I have no time for "me". I'm drowning. It's about his life, not mine. I have no idea how this happened, it just creeped up on me. Now I'm afraid to take a nap or read a book or play with my dogs because there is always work to do.

And the compliments are starting to make me uncomfortable because they feel fake.

11JB68 · May 23, 2019, 10:03:42 PM

It's exhausting.
Everything is my job, my responsibility.
It's gotten worse over time.
Please take care of yourself.

notrightinthehead · May 24, 2019, 04:06:42 PM

"....I have no time for "me". I'm drowning. It's about his life, not mine. I have no idea how this happened, it just creeped up on me. Now I'm afraid to take a nap or read a book or play with my dogs because there is always work to do. "

This should be a massive red flag. Please re-read the traits and the toolbox.

11JB68 · May 24, 2019, 08:39:10 PM

Butterfly...do you have your own dreams? What are they?
I had a dream career that I gave up because we 'couldn't afford' for me to continue with it...
Well...after we bought a house, had s child, uPDh decided HE didn't want to work for anyone anymore and that he would start HIS own biz. Then demanded that I 'help' him with it...
15? Years later... I make more than him and of I leave I'll have to pay him support..

blunk · June 04, 2019, 11:18:32 AM

This used to frustrate me to no end, I hated when he would say "you're such a good wife" and of course it was only when I was doing something for him or about to do something for him.

One time I was working on a paper for school, sitting in the living room on the love seat (laptop in my lap, book on the arm of the love seat next to me, pen in my mouth...no possible doubt that I was busy). xh was across the room on the couch (nearer to the kitchen) and asked me to get him a glass of water.

Or when I was working 2 jobs, including Friday and Saturday evenings, and he was unemployed (by choice). After I worked until near midnight, he would wake me on Saturday and Sunday morning to "ask" me to go to starbucks and get him a coffee. Every. Damn. Weekend. And if I said no to his "request" because I was tired then I was lazy, and told that "a good wife would go and get her husband coffee". Never mind the rage that ensued when I questioned whether he really needed 2-3 $5 lattes a day, especially when he wasn't working.

UGH!

bohemian butterfly · June 04, 2019, 01:07:10 PM

Quote from: blunk on June 04, 2019, 11:18:32 AM
This used to frustrate me to no end, I hated when he would say "you're such a good wife" and of course it was only when I was doing something for him or about to do something for him.

One time I was working on a paper for school, sitting in the living room on the love seat (laptop in my lap, book on the arm of the love seat next to me, pen in my mouth...no possible doubt that I was busy). xh was across the room on the couch (nearer to the kitchen) and asked me to get him a glass of water.

Or when I was working 2 jobs, including Friday and Saturday evenings, and he was unemployed (by choice). After I worked until near midnight, he would wake me on Saturday and Sunday morning to "ask" me to go to starbucks and get him a coffee. Every. Damn. Weekend. And if I said no to his "request" because I was tired then I was lazy, and told that "a good wife would go and get her husband coffee". Never mind the rage that ensued when I questioned whether he really needed 2-3 $5 lattes a day, especially when he wasn't working.

UGH!

OMG! Thank you so much for validating me. I struggle with these tasks and errand requests every. freaking. day. It's gotten so bad that I don't tell him that I'm stopping by the store on my way home because then he will say, well can you stop by this place and this place and pick up this and that. Like you, I felt like he thinks that I am lazy (if I balk or even hesitate). I also struggle with thoughts like, maybe I'm not being a good partner? And yes, I would foot the bill because his wallet was at home.

A few nights ago I got the "could you do me a favor? I need a glass of water" I don't think that I have ever asked someone for something so trivial. But once again, it's such an easy request, right? I feel crazy for that anger that wells up in me. But I think that it is because this "task" and/or "request" is just one of many and the sheer silliness of it, really makes me mad.

This morning I had to take my cat to the vet (appointment was at 10:00). After the vet appointment I planned on quickly stopping by the house, (to drop off the cat) and head straight to work. When I told him I was leaving (to go to the vet) he said, "hey, do you think you could pick up lunch?" I was like, "no, I need to get to work!" And then I was annoyed all over again.

He also gives me tasks to do while I'm at my full-time job. He will send me a flyer via email and ask me to print 75 copies and/or laminate some recipe cards, etc. Again, somewhat easy task, but added to all the other requests, (plus my actual job!) I feel like his personal assistant!

I've tried talking to him about it, and he will say he understands but then not even 5 minutes later, he asks me to: run up the stairs and get his wallet, or water bottle, or IPad, etc.

The other day he asked me to turn off the hose, while I was looking at the chicken netting and coop. I said "Just a second" and he huffed and said, "fine, I'll do it myself!" And I was like, "wow, gimme a second and I'll do it" His time means right now.

Whiteheron · June 04, 2019, 04:36:21 PM

I can relate to so much of this thread, but this...

Quote from: bohemian butterfly on June 04, 2019, 01:07:10 PM
He also gives me tasks to do while I'm at my full-time job. He will send me a flyer via email and ask me to print 75 copies and/or laminate some recipe cards, etc. Again, somewhat easy task, but added to all the other requests, (plus my actual job!) I feel like his personal assistant!

this is exactly my stbx. He used to call me up at work and keep me on the phone for 20+ minutes describing in minute detail how I needed to call the plumber, for example, and schedule an appointment, but not before the plumber answered his list of 20 questions (and either the answers were never right or I failed to ask the appropriate follow up questions or didn't get enough detail...). A few times I did point out how it would be faster for him to just call the plumber up himself, but he would claim he was "too busy" to do it himself. Five minutes on the phone with a professional vs 20 minutes trying to explain to me what he was talking about...2+2=

He would also call me up at work and drone on and on about things I needed to get done...on the weekend! He would get so irritated if I asked if he could call me after work to give me the list, or wait until he got home (he used to travel three nights a week). Ridiculous. Part of me wondered if he was trying to get me fired.

He insisted I needed to make all of his doc/dental apts. While I was at work and didn't know his schedule.

Hoops. It was all hoops he wanted me to jump through to what...prove I loved him? Proved my worth?

11JB68 · June 04, 2019, 09:05:17 PM

Yup, yup, yup.
I'll be in bed almost asleep and he'll give me a to-do item fur the next day. So then I'm wise awake trying to figure out how I'm going to remember that thing...
Calls me at work to have me come home to deal with/pay the appliance guy cuz he can't or won't deal with it.

bohemian butterfly · June 05, 2019, 12:45:57 PM

Quote from: 11JB68 on June 04, 2019, 09:05:17 PM
Yup, yup, yup.
I'll be in bed almost asleep and he'll give me a to-do item fur the next day. So then I'm wise awake trying to figure out how I'm going to remember that thing...
Calls me at work to have me come home to deal with/pay the appliance guy cuz he can't or won't deal with it.

Ugh, my stomach just dropped (for the both of us, because that is exactly how it is)

I get less requests when I'm actually at work and I'm an office manager!

1footouttadefog · June 21, 2019, 03:04:46 PM

These descriptions are strong signs of being devalued, or sabataged or both.

Be careful. There are other behavior patterns that often come up with such behaviors and patterns by of people.

I also experienced this sort of interuption on my time when I was trying to be a part time college student. My pd spouse and pd mil would both impose on my time and brain space.

They were jealous that I was doing something they had flunked out at. They were also desperate to be at the center of attention over my text book etc.

Be aware of being isolated from friends and family also.