Need advice from recovering perfectionists

[KittyKat]

This may sound silly, but maybe not to you all, which is why I'm asking here. I need advice on how to shift my thinking. I'm just about to publish a book. This book represents so many things to me: It is an homage to my cat who passed, who was one of only three of my family members left after I went NC with my whole family (the other was another cat who died 11 mo prior, and I have my husband). But also it's this thing inside of me that is the first thing I have really ever succeeded at since I've spent a lifetime being sabotaged by my family. (A family who would find fault if I were to win the Nobel Peace Prize.)

Anywho, I'm about ready to publish. It's been a hard road with more bumps than most self-publishers encounter. But it was doubly hard for me because some of my main issues arising from my upbringing are difficulty in making decisions (the minutia is mind-bending), my perfectionism and my fear of making mistakes. (And the self-beating up that goes along with them.)

I feel like when people hear these things they are just words to them. They don't know the true internal torment associated with them. So, where I am now is that I've uploaded the book for the umpteenth time and ordered a hard-copy proof. I thought I could publish the last round but realized I made a grieveous error, and I contacted the designer who made those and a few other changes.

There was one minor change, however, I neglected to ask her for. It's tiny. It's not even grammatically incorrect, it's just something that is a minor inconsistency that virtually nobody would probably ever notice. Certainly not big enough to send it back to the designer, BUT ... I know it's there.

So, then it started: "How could I be so stupid as to miss this when I had one last chance to fix it?" "It's now going to be out there in every book" (the minute I hit "accept and publish"). It's stupid. I know, but I don't think people who aren't perfectionists because of their upbringing of people telling them .. me ... how stupid I am for making a mistake, or how worthless or whatever ... I don't think they get the torment. They're like, 'It's a piece of punctuation. It's nothing."  Okay, I know that, but I KNOW it's there.

Does anyone understand this feeling? So I've been trying to feel better by changing my view of that one little error. Like: "That's my big FU to my family. I can be imperfect and still be perfect in my imperfection. This one imperfection does not make me ... or the book ... a defect."  I mean, if they ever find out I published a book they'll find fault with it anyway, so I'm trying to think of this one minicule error as representative of something else. "In your face' or otherwise.

Do you recovering perfectionists have any other suggestions on how I can change my thinking to not only not care about this tiny flaw, but embrace it as something intentional and good? I don't want the effects of my family to ruin this for me. I mean, already, one of the reasons I neglected it was because I was always so afraid of asking for changes. I worked really hard on that in telling myself, "I'm paying this person, I can ask for what I want." But I didn't here and I need to change my thinking on why.

Any and all brainstorming of 'change your frame of reference' ideas would be appreciated. I want to feel proud of this book as an accomplishment in spite of my family and the influence they've held on me all these many years.

(As reference, I've been NC with 5 Narc family members, 3 overt and 2 covert for the past 5 years. My journey started when I realized I didn't need their approval anymore because they felt that my success was their failure and my failure was there success.)

Thanks,
K.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Congratulations on having written a book. That's a big achievement! I'm a recovering perfectionist too, and a stickler for grammar, too. So I relate.

There are many cultures with a tradition of deliberately including an imperfection in works of art. Rather than being an FU, it might be more positive to embrace that imperfection as an expression of your humanity and humility. Only God is perfect. You are a person. Beauty is found in reality, not in a never-attainable quest for perfection.

Unless you omitted an Oxford comma. In that case call your publisher immediately! 

[Spygirl]

Try this,

Part of my therapy was to STOP being perfectionist to avoid a rage from my stbxh.

Sooooo,
I didnt do laundry unless i needed to-desperately. I ate whatever, wherever i wanted. I left dishes in the sink, didnt cut the grass or weed the yard unless i felt i had lots of time.
I stopped trying to be "made up" when i was just  rushing about doing errands.

I stopped caring about what other people though about anything i was doing. That took a year.

Basically, i went opposite the brainwashing. It was really hard for awhile.

But an amazing thing happened.

I realized that nobody DID care about what i was doing. My friends STILL liked me if the house was not gracious and beautiful. I was LESS stressed..MORE relaxed.

Most remarkably, the souce of all that brainwashing did not put me down to.my face anyway, because he was too busy hoovering me when he wasnt focused on new attention sources.I didnt.care either way.

Let it go. Chances are no one notices.



.

[biggerfish]

KittyKat, I can totally relate!

Along the lines of what Cordelia said, here's a link to an article about Persian rugs with deliberate errors. Knowing that people actually go out of their way to infuse a mistake has helped me. I hope it can help you too.  http://www.orientalrugexperts.com/deliberate-mistakes-in-handmade-persian-rugs-and-carpets/

Another shift in thinking that has helped me, and might help you, is: to be imperfect is a delicious act of defiance against anyone who expected perfection from us. (I love the whole idea of being disloyal to my FOO.)

And one more thing that has helped me immensely is to quit the thinking and instead, command the muscles to move. Muscles are simple and obedient. If you want to get that book published, command your muscles to get a move on.

I'm chering you on. (Intentional error.) 

[Griffen]

I was trained into perfectionism and I've trained myself out of it. It was not easy, but it was worth it.

The first thing is to remember that nobody remembers your mistakes except you. They'll see them, but they're not looking at you. They're looking at themselves. You are seeing your blooper reel and comparing it to everyone else's final cut - but they are all seeing their blooper reels and your final cut. We tend to be self-centered that way.

The second thing is to force yourself to do less than perfect work. Brooke Castillo calls this "shooting for the B-minus." If you notice things that are wrong, shrug and let them go. Learn, over time, that nobody's going to get wigged out if you have a typo or a mistake. You fix it and move forward.

Final thing, and this is from Brené Brown: "If you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion by being brave, then I'm not interested in or open to your feedback about my work. Period." I recommend her books Daring Greatly and Rising Strong for this.

[Wilderhearts]

Have you heard of Brene Brown's book "the gifts of imperfection"?  I still tell myself "shitty first draft, shitty first draft" when writing, just to give myself permission to give myself "shitty" material to work with and "perfect."  It let's me keep writing without agonizing and I usually find that my "shitty" first draft is actually quite passable!

[1footouttadefog]

I think sorting the why it matters is the key.  Is it because it's truly something that matters to you or is it mastering due to years of programming and expectations imposed on you.

Dividing what is truly yours,  and part of your best self, and the values that comprises, will help make all the small decisions easier.


As therapy : place you cursor at the end of this post and backspace (LOL) 😀😀😀
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Having been a language challenged learner I tend to use lots of commas but remember very few rules as to when and why etc.  It seems clauses get them, hmmmm and oh yes, I distinctly remember one goes before the conjuction in a list.  How funny.

I am a dinosaur, I still double space at the end of a sentence and my kids say that is so yesterday.  Glad someone else does the writing. 

Congrats on finishing your book.  Way to go.

[EntWife]

Have you heard of Brene Brown's book "the gifts of imperfection"? 

This book helped me immensely!!!

[all4peace]

Great thread! I was trained into perfection also, and forced myself back out of it.

How I made myself stop was to realize that I was hurting those around me. Our house was more comfortable to my family if I let things slide a bit.
I was more present to my kids if I stopped cleaning.
Our friends would rather be invited more often with a slightly messy house and imperfect meal than the reverse.

I logicked myself out of it, and it feels great! Good luck and huge congrats on completing a book! And I have no idea what an Oxford Comma is. Off to Google it

[CurieFan]

These messages give me so much hope. Maybe my OCPDh can do it?! I hope, I pray...

[Call Me Cordelia]

How funny! I was 100% joking about the Oxford comma. I do use them and sometimes find it awkward when they are omitted, but I also had it drilled into me in my super-controlling Catholic school. I've been programmed. You are most free to disregard my programming as well as your own.