Everything you do is actually about me

[Call Me Cordelia]

Nanotech wrote this on another thread, and it struck me so much that I decided to start another topic rather than highjack the previous one:

They  look at the different behaviour, compare it to how they were, and  feel  indirectly criticised by it! They think we only do it to have a go at them!

You absolutely nailed a dynamic that has always bewildered me about my pwPDs, for years before coming Out of the FOG. Anytime I made a choice that was different than what my parents did, it was perceived as a personal attack. Same with the ILs.

One of the clearest examples of this is deciding to homeschool our kids. All of the disordered parents and grandparents have a major major problem with it.   I've heard everything from, "You think you're a better mother than me." (Actually, I know, but non sequitor. ) To a litany of excuses why they couldn't possibly have homeschooled me, devaluing oh well it's easy now that you have the internet,  and then back to, "It would have been impossible for me back then but now I would do it better than you because you're so unorganized." To, "I'm sorry you feel the very expensive private education you received wasn't good enough." "I have a doctorate in education and I still had to work at helping my child to read... You're doomed, you unaccredited canker blossom." (Paraphrase lol)

All of it takes for granted that the decision was made to rub their faces in it. And no inkling whatever of what was actually our motivation, which is what DH an I thought was best for our own individual children in our own circumstances. The choices our parents made had little relevance here. But the idea that their opinions are simply irrelevant, and the children's good is the primary concern... inconceivable!

[athene1399]

I've never thought about it before, but my mom does do that. I'm still not sure if she qualifies as a PD, but she does have some of the behaviors at times. She is so upset that I won't have children. She claims I must not want kids because she was a crappy mom. When I tell her I don't really have the money and don't want to take care of a baby, she tells me that's a crappy attitude to have. lol I think next time she say it I'll respond with "yes. I didn't want to mess up my kid knowing what your abuse did to me."  Actually, I'll only say that if we ever go to therapy together. So maybe never. lol

[Associate of Daniel]

Call Me Cordelia, I just want to encourage you in your homeschooling your children. I think it's fantastic that you are doing so.

It is an incredibly hard thing to do but is so joyous and rewarding as well.

I know a number of parents who homeschool and I don't think any of them are as organised as they'd like to be. And neither are their houses as clean or tidy as they'd like!

I was a stay at home, homeschooling mum for a short time when ds was 5. But let's face it, we all started when the kids were much younger.

I LOVED it and still struggle with the fact that it was all ripped away from me when uNPD exH left.

My parents didn't agree with my homeschooling ds but they were wonderfully supportive.

On a few occasions they created little books using simple words that ds was learning, and drawing little illustrations. They'd send them to ds in the mail.

I remember one time overhearing my dad telling ds that his hand writing was very good (it was - and it went to pot once he started at school.) and that it was because his mum (me) had spent so much time and effort teaching him.

I'm so blessed to have parents who know how to support me regardless of whether or not they agree with my decisions.

So I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to have the opposite. You are fortunate that you and your husband are on the same page though.

Keep going.  Your children will thank you for it. It is so worthwhile.

AOD

[all4peace]

This was a huge part of the erosion between me and MIL. When I was first married and living next door to her (still live next door) I was very young and very compliant. Even if I didn't agree with her constant advice and criticism, I was agreeable about it.

Then we had kids and it got ugly fast. Everything I did, and I do mean everything, seemed to be taken as a personal attack on her. It started with my wish to breastfeed. It was a personal affront to her, since it hadn't worked out for her. I was told to start using Bryllo pads to toughen up so I'd be able to breastfeed. It makes me cringe to think of it, even saying that to another person.

Since MIL and I are very, very different people (and I hope that's not just wishful thinking on my part), nearly everything I did as a mother was different from what she had done and it was all seen as an attack. DH's family has an Us Versus Them mentality about life, and my decisions put me into the Them Camp. I never did get back out.

DH used to use the word "weird" quite a lot in describing others and I would constantly rephrase as "different." He has grown tremendously in his tolerance and appreciation for diversity of thoughts, beliefs, etc.

If I could do it over again, I'd love to simply say to them "This isn't about you."

[clara]

It's so hard to predict what they'll take "personally," isn't it?  Because you always get the feeling they're just looking for your infraction, any infraction, in order to have something to say.  To make you the bad guy--once again.  It's part of their tendency towards projection, and can be difficult to defend yourself from because it's based on actual actions you made or situations you caused.  It's not one of their imaginary infractions (which they have plenty of).  When I've had an NPD pull the trick on me, I usually just gave in and said, "yes, you're correct, I did/didn't (fill in the blank) all because I knew it'd upset you or hurt you or etc.  Just give in to them, which I know isn't the correct response, but really, what do you say?   If you ignore the comment, it makes it look like you're agreeing with it.  But if you counter it, a big fight can ensue (often with them bringing up your past misbehavior as evidence to your endless evil intentions).   

[Sidney37]

It's amazing what they find to be a personal attack.  I bought new utensils  recently.  My old utensils  were 20 years old, a gift from my PDm and exactly the same as hers.  Many were missing and I needed new ones.   The pattern is no longer made, so I couldn't replace with identical ones.  She noticed when she was here.  She was furious that the silverware that she bought me all that time ago somehow wasn't good enough.  I replaced it with a different pattern!       It was as if I was telling her that I hated a 20 year old gift.  I needed new utensils and bought them!  But Clara is right.  If you ignore it, they think you agree with them, but if you don't it causes a huge fight! 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Athene, I think what you said to your mom would be JADE. Your reproductive choices don't have to be defended to people in attack mode. Anyway, one of the first things I learned in therapy is the most useful phrase, "Sorry to disappoint you." Says it all and shuts it down.

All4Peace, the funny thing is I often did attempt to shut down comments with some variation of, "DH and I think this is our best option for lots of reasons, but none of them really have anything to do with the choices you made. You did what you thought best, we're doing what we think best."

That shut my parents up with the direct attacks but it often turned into my uNM "apologizing" and getting me to validate her choices. ILs would go for, "You think you know everything, but you really ought to listen to the people who actually know what you should do. So arrogant! But we are tolerant and you will have to make your own mistakes" (Irony?) Anyway, once again, no winning. Chances are your mileage would have been similar had you indeed spoken back to your MIL. But you're saying it now with your boundaries.

Clara, yep, projection all the way!  And because they feel entitled to an opinion about evvvvverything, nothing you do is safe.

Sidney that is particularly absurd. You're obligated to keep gifts forever even when it's no longer functional?

And finally, AOD, thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words about homeschooling. I wasn't looking for validation about that specifically, but it's a rare gift to hear from someone not homeschooling and wishes they could! I'm so glad you have happy memories of that brief time you had. Often when I'm in the thick of things I don't see the great gifts it brings to our whole family.

[athene1399]

Thank you for the advice, Cordelia! I will have to use that phrase next time (as I am sure there will be a next time).

Going back to the strange offenses/projection, I wonder if they see it as since we chose something different than what they did then we are telling them what they did was wrong. Which makes them feel insecure so they have to pitch a fit. Like all the examples everyone gave could fit this. "you're choosing to breastfeed even though I had to give it up so I must be a crappy mom since I couldn't stick it out so I will make you feel like crap for making me feel like crap." And "Since you are throwing out my gift of 20 years, you must have thought it was crap all along so I must suck for giving it to you in the first place, so now I am mad at you..." I think just everything others do makes them think of their own shortcomings and they cannot handle that so attack back to feel better. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

  Sounds pretty accurate to me. Black and white thinking, projection, irrational fear of rejection, check check check.

"You're so vain... you prob'ly think this song is about you." It's impossible for people with Cluster B's to grasp that it's simply not about them all the time. Or even most of the time. It's also hard for them to grasp that other people are other people. What works for one doesn't work for another, and that's perfectly fine! Isn't it wonderful how the world is so diverse?

[not broken]

I think this topic is the EXACT reason I can pinpoint as to why after 19 years of emotional and verbal abuse and years of therapy that I can finally grasp the dysfunction and black hole of a marriage that I am in.  I have gotten to a point that I do not want to engage in ANY conversation because it's exhausting.  Plus with him now acting the victim, any information, thought, etc that I share he uses as, "I thought you shared that with me because you were interested in me."

Having a different opinion (unless he has deems it appropriate that I have a differing opinion) equates to:
me rejecting him sexually;
me not considering his opinion;
me not admiring his success;
me not loving him as much as he loves me;
me not respecting what he has done for our family;
me not desiring him; me not greeting him when he comes home;
me not respecting his decisions;
me not respecting what is important to him;
me not appreciating the burden he has;
me ignoring him;
me dismissing him;
me disrespecting him;
me wounding him;
me devaluing him (of course he used this word after I accused him of it);
me being selfish;
me making him the bad guy with our kids;
me undermining him and what he is doing in the best interests of our kids;
me undermining him;
me usurping his time with our daughter (I swear it was the same week I heard Trump say it in the news!)
me_______, me ________, me________, me_________, me__________, me____________, me___________ insert whatever offense he feels I have committed to infinity and beyond.  I tracked this over the last year (before I really became educated about NPD) and it went from 1x every two weeks, to 1x week, to multiple times per week- depending on how many days he stonewalled me in between the offense.

The one thing he may actually be right about now though is when he says I am not empathetic to his feelings.  I used to fight this sentiment- but I think it is true, but not in the logical sense.  I am no longer sorry for being me, only sorry that he feels whatever the sentiment dujour is, because I didn't do all of the things he accused me of when I disagreed or had my own opinion.