Illuminating apology

[gfuertes]

My husband is in prison for fraud, and I am divorcing him.  He has a clandestine cell phone, with which he frequently texts our 11-year-old son and me (we communicate mainly about the kids), and calls our son.  I have found it profound, how much clearer everything is, communicating only in writing!

Months ago, my husband took up knitting and sent hats for every child in the family.  He began offering to make a knit shirt for me, and pressing me to say what color I wanted.  I ignored this, so he dropped it.  About a month ago, he told me an elaborate and very obvious lie that was a continuation of something he's been periodically lying to me about since he's been in prison.  At first, I had believed him.  Later, I saw no point in calling him on it.  But this time it struck me that if he is going to continue, why should I keep sheltering his ego and avoiding an outburst from him, by pretending to buy into what we both know is false?  If he feels exposed or made a fool of because he chooses to lie, it's his own doing.  So I wasn't angry or rude, I just didn't go along with his farce.  He soon exploded and blew up my phone with foul language and statements of how he welcomed divorce. 

Between texting me these things, he started a group chat between himself, his two young adult sons (with whom I have good relationships) and me, in which he sounded self-controlled, rational, kind, loving and religious.  He didn't specifically mention what he and I were at odds about, but said he loved us all so much, and is in a period of getting closer to God and seeking forgiveness, but that things are so hard for him that he just can't deal with other people's "first world problems".  As though I had reached out to him to gripe that my new shoes are too tight.  He lied to me, and me taking exception to it shows how my life is so easy that I have the luxury of complaining about petty things.  He wants credit for being a Godly person seeking forgiveness, without ever having to acknowledge any specific thing he's done to need it.  And if I spoke the truth about his bullshit, *I'd* be the one bringing the kids into it, since he was only being general.

After that, I stopped communicating with him.  When he texted or called, I just let our son communicate with him.  Soon, my husband began telling our son that he had begun knitting that shirt for me, and it arrived in the mail this week.  My husband must have really hyped it up, because our son simply could not wait for me to open it.  It was sized for a twiggy teen who hasn't grown breasts or given birth yet.  It didn't have anything to do with me.  After our son told my husband I'd opened it, my husband started texting me, asking how it fit and whether I wanted him to knit me some sort of a sweater to go over it.  He sent photos of a Christmas table runner he planned to send me, and asked if I wanted it.  After a day, he sent pouty, childish texts complaining about my lack of a response and saying I should just give away the shirt and he'd throw away the table runner.

I shouldn't have, I suppose, but I responded.  I told him the shirt was too small, then reminded him of the last time we'd communicated.  I said if the shirt was meant as an apology, I'd have preferred an actual apology; but it seemed like the shirt was meant to excite our 11-year-old and make him believe his dad was treating me well, when in fact he was doing the opposite - which was exactly what he had tried to do with that group text between us and the older kids.

He said, "I am generally sorry."  Generally sorry.   I thought it must have been an autocorrect error, or ignorance - that when people say "genuinely" somehow my husband thinks they're saying "generally".  But his next sentence made it clear that he actually meant "generally":  "But I am specifically sorry that the shirt doesn't fit."  And then he went on for several more messages, detailing his measurements and the pattern he'd followed, in knitting it, and suggestions for what I might do with it so someone could still get some use out of it.

Generally sorry!  He lied to me over and over.  He sent me a stream of F-bombs.  He spoke as though divorce is not a sad necessity for us, but something he relishes because it's so hard being married to me.  And he is generally kind of sorry, maybe.  But not specifically.

I pointed out how specific he's capable of being, when he says mean things - and how specific he was about the thing he knit - and how odd it sounded, that he was "generally" sorry.  I didn't say it in a combative way.  I just said I hardly knew what to make of it.

He responded by saying "I'm sorry if (if) you question whether I love you.  I didn't even know what love was, before you."

If we were living together, raising our children together, socializing together, sharing finances, space, air...somehow I'm sure I would find exchanges like this confusing, frustrating and emotional.  In writing, I feel wonderfully detached and I can see it all for the manipulative insanity that it is.  I am sorry for him, that he's not capable of conducting relationships better than this.  But he's an adult, and I'm not responsible for him.

[notrightinthehead]

I agree. The writing slows things down and because we cannot see the face or hear the voice a lot of emotional triggers are taken out of the interaction. This enables us to think more clearly.
You are doing well. Stay strong. I hope you find a good place for the unwanted knitting.

[pushit]

Sorry you're dealing with that exchange, sounds like a typical PD manipulation and smear campaign.

I can totally agree that communicating in writing only is a huge help.  I'm in the middle of a divorce right now.  I told her at the beginning, after one attempt at a phone conversation that turned highly manipulative and circular, that I'll only communicate in writing for now.  It's amazing how you can see the pattern in slow motion, but all the attempts at confusion and manipulation are still there.  She selectively communicates about only what she wants to have happen, ignores my requests for anything unless I repeatedly remind her, and continues to try and control our family through very craftily worded emails and texts. 

The good part - every time I get a message, I can read and digest it for a few hours while I think of what her intent truly is and what the ramifications may be, then I can respond.  She's been setting lots of traps for me, to get me to agree to certain things, so I have to think about things carefully.  She also is behaving better than in the past, as I'm sure she's aware that written communication can be shared with the courts if necessary and she has always been concerned about her public image.  Once it was possible that other people may read our communications, suddenly she started cooperating a little better than in the past (which was zero cooperation, only her opinion and decisions mattered).

Bottom line is that our conversations only cause me about 10% of the stress they used to, which I highly appreciate.